“There will be days my heart is so broken over things you can’t fix it’ll seem like happiness can’t be reached, but it will be, and some days I’ll rely on you to carry me through. Some days I’ll push you away so I can carry myself. Vulnerability will clash with independence and I’ll forget that it’s okay to need you. No pressure, right? It sounds impossible.” I laughed a little, making him smile. “But it’s perfection in its impossibility. I’ll confide in you my unrealistic dreams and expect you to support that which can never happen. There will be days of agreeing and days of bickering, days of confiding and days of silence. The words that come out of my mouth will be confusing and emotional.
“I’ll want snuggles, and I’ll want to be alone. I’ll contradict everything you thought you knew and I’ll contradict myself. I’ll long for adventure and stability at the same time and expect you to be on the same page even when I’ve skipped to another book altogether. I’ll weep and smile over fictional lives and expect you to celebrate and mourn with me. Understanding will take tolerance. I’ll want you on your knees worshiping me, or standing tall protecting me.
“Even though I’m impossible, even though I’m overwhelming, I’ll love you. I’ll love you like its potion running through my veins, like it’s a disease I can’t cure myself of, like it isn’t a choice. I’ll love you so completely that your flaws will seem like perfections and all your words will be sweet nothings. I’ll love you irrevocably, irrationally, impossibly, and I’ll never hesitate to tell you.”
EPILOGUE
IN COLLEGE, IT’S all about the future. You’re getting your degree for the future, for future employment, future finances, and future life. It’s easy to dwell on the ‘in a few years’ and the ‘after graduation’.
Then it arrives.
That morning I woke up giddy with excitement, which was not how I usually rolled out of bed. I couldn’t help it, though. To wake Ben up, I just opened up the bedroom door and let his present greet him. A floppy-eared puppy bounded onto the bed, licking his face in greeting.
Jules followed behind; she’d been keeping him a secret for me for the last two days.
Ben immediately shot up in surprise, and once he registered why his face was wet, his laughter filled the room.
“You got me a golden retriever?” he asked, cradling the puppy like a baby.
“This is Winston, or Winnie for short.” I reached over to pet the wild puppy.
“We needed a dog,” he said, smiling at me. I agreed, but I would agree with almost anything when he produced those laugh lines around his smile.
Graduation day was excitement all around. The black gown and square hat swallowed me whole. I sat next to Ben and took the next step of our future together. My parents met Ben’s parents in an awkward dinner—at least I felt awkward, though Ben assured me I was the only one.
That night, Jules, Miles, Ben, and I sat around the coffee table drinking really expensive champagne Miles’ dad had sent in lieu of actually showing up at graduation.
“Cheers!” I declared, raising my glass. “No more eight a.m. classes.”
“No more overdrawing my bank account for textbooks I’ll never use!” Jules added, clinking her glass to mine.
“No more flip-flops in the shower!” Miles cheered.
“No more paying for a parking pass and never finding a spot!” Ben added.
“Hear, hear!” Jules agreed. The bubbles were clearly going to her head.
We stayed up into the early morning hours, celebrating the closing of a chapter in our lives. We kept turning pages, filling up new blank ones.
And just like that, diploma in hand, I was done, as confirmed by that piece of paper that had cost more than I ever wanted to think about again.
The world never stops turning. College was over. I was moving, starting a new job. We were all starting down new paths, working on new goals, saying hello, saying goodbye.
We were changing, moving on, moving forward. Another door opened and I closed the one behind me, staring at a new blank page.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I’ll start with my husband. As I wrote in the dedication, without you continuous unyielding support, this book would still be just a figment of my imagination. The long hours you work and then take care of the kids so I can write did not go unnoticed. I will forever be grateful for your encouragement while I pulled my hair out and swore I’d never finish. I was wrong. You were right. And there it is in writing. I love you.
To my best friend, your unflinching kindness spreads around you like confetti and I danced on it while I wrote this book. Your positivity is the light in my rainy day and without it, this book would only be chicken scratch on random sticky notes. You’re my sister in every way that counts and I can’t imagine a day in my life without you.
To my family, for being the support system I needed, even when you didn’t notice. You make me feel like I can do anything, and then you take care of my kids, so I can actually try. I’ve been blessed with you.
To Caitlin at C. Marie Editing for polishing this baby up. Sara at Okay Creations, you put a face on my words and it was a beautiful face.
To all the Indie Authors out there, thank you for following your dreams so successfully, so that I have the courage to follow mine. Mariana Zapata, Sara Ney, R.S. Grey, Karla Sorensen, Jay McLean: You’re an inspiration to me — and I’m sure countless others.
And for you, if you’ve made it this far, for taking a chance on a new author and reading this book. I can already tell, you’re the greatest.
COMING SOON
Beneath the Surface
It was easy being me. Until it wasn’t.
When you’ve been quiet so long, it was hard to remember you had a voice. I finally realized I didn’t like who I was, but I couldn’t start shouting. I stayed quiet. No friends, no boyfriend - the life I knew was gone.
Then I met Jax. He showed me what friendship was supposed to look like. He taught me that being me was enough.
Doubts still crept in, though, and college was coming fast. Decisions had to be made. How was I supposed to figure out who I wanted to be when I was still trying to find out who I was?
Summer 2020
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Alice spends her time in the hills of small-town Tennessee. When she isn’t writing or reading, she’s spending time with her beloved husband, John. They’re probably watching Disney or sports-center and attempting to wrangle their 2 children. To fill out their house, they also have 2 dogs and a cat. Their bed is full, and so is their hearts.
You can follow her here:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/author_darlingace/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/author_darlinga
Or shoot her an email: [email protected]
Blank Pages Page 22