I had had a lot of fun that night, Toby was a spectacular lay, but I didn’t want to just pump and dump guys for the rest of my life. I wanted what Missy and Easton had. What Brenna and Charles had. What Eddy and Niall had too. They were all happy and committed, some of them even with kids. All I had was a drunken story about the hook up with Easton’s coworker. At the best of times, it was a little bit embarrassing, at the worst of times like now, it was painful.
I watched my computer start up feeling pathetic and small. It really didn’t matter what I wanted since I wasn’t going to get it. I had had my shot and I blew it. I never should have been that open and vulnerable. That had allowed somebody to hurt me in ways that I didn’t think I would recover from. I never wanted to allow that again. Sometimes, my resolve weakened. I thought about how lonely I felt and whether putting myself at risk for heartbreak would hurt less, but then I come to my senses. Certain things in this life were just not worth it.
Toby might have had the right idea. Have sex with women but keep none of them around. If you kept a steady enough stream, you didn’t have enough time to be lonely. Men were so much more… tedious though. I had gone a long time without any sexual contact before the hook up with Toby. No relationships of any kind, no serious dating, and guess what? I didn’t die.
No amount of horniness or loneliness would ever be enough to kill me so that right there was enough of a reason not to do anything stupid. I had learned my lesson the hard way and I knew that other methods of fulfillment were just going to have to be it for me from now on.
If I was a crazy cat lady at sixty, no kids, and never-married, it was going to be better than being a divorcee who had let someone make me believe in real, fulfilling love only to trick me later.
Missy walked into the room which allowed me to take a break from my depressing thoughts. Work, friends, hobbies; that was what I was going to use to fill my life up, so at some point, I wouldn't even notice that I didn't have anybody to share it with.
“I haven't kept you waiting, have I?” Missy asked, taking her own seat at the computer across from me. Her face was flushed, and I couldn't help wondering what she and her fiancé got up to after I left the room. Right, as if they even noticed that I was there in the first place.
“No, not at all.” I waited for her to quickly look at her phone and turn on her computer.
“Ready to start?”
“As always.”
“Wonderful, I have good news. We have a job.”
“Really?” I asked. It was unusual that she came to me with news about a job since, as her assistant, I was usually the first point of contact between her and prospective clients.
“Yes. It’s Easton. He and Toby have been approached by a major financial magazine about a cover story. They want to do a shoot, a full spread for the magazine and their website. He wants us to do the styling.” That sounded good. Probably the perks of having a professional stylist as a fiancé.
“Interesting.”
“It gets better. They're shooting on location. They want to do it out in Colorado, in the mountains.” That did make it interesting. That meant we were traveling.
“A wilderness concept for a tech company?”
“They want rugged and wild, you know? Like a Frontiersman feel I suppose. Don't worry, we won't be camping or anything. We will be at a very, very nice resort, Easton has assured me.”
“Good of him to make sure.”
“Absolutely. Won't it be nice to get out of the city while the weather changes?”
The weather was the least of my concerns. I was thinking about the trip. Planning the trip was not going to be a problem. It was going on the trip. I quickly cycled through all the ways I could possibly get out of it. Toby was Easton's partner and the co-founder of their company. That meant he was going to be there.
The whole point of a random hookup was you weren't supposed to see that person again. Under normal circumstances, I could have avoided him, but now I was likely going to have to face him again.
What was that going to look like? Would he say hi and be cordial or was he going look at me like he had never met me before? I wondered idly whether Easton knew that Toby and I had had sex. Was he the kind to kiss and tell?
Missy started giving me the details. I didn't have that much to do since the resort we were staying at had done most of the heavy lifting, including booking a remote cabin in the mountains for us to stage the photo shoot. Our role was simply to go there ahead of Easton and Toby with the wardrobe, they would do the photoshoot, and then we would make our way back to the resort.
“It’s basically a holiday,” Missy said. “The shoot is going to take one day, two days at the absolute longest, and the rest of the time we spend at the resort.” I did a Google search on the resort and looked at their accommodations. It was nice, very far out of my usual budget, but I wasn't paying. Every private room had a hot tub and they were decorated in a style that was both luxurious yet cozy.
I couldn’t remember the last time that I went on a vacation. My previous salary and working hours just didn't allow it and it was never a priority to treat myself in the past. I sent up a quick thank you to whoever had orchestrated me meeting Missy because I never would have gotten this opportunity in the past.
She was right, this was basically a vacation, the best I was likely to ever have in my life. Was I really about to let Toby, a random hookup from a little while ago ruined that for me? He was not allowed to have that kind of power in my life. I deserved this. While I was out there, cozy, steeping like a teabag in the private hot tub in my room, he would be the furthest thing from my mind, definitely.
Oh my gosh, had I really had second thoughts about going on a free vacation to Colorado just because Toby would be there? I was embarrassed. I couldn’t believe had briefly considered depriving myself in that way just because of the threat of a little awkwardness. Fuck that. If it was going to be awkward then so be it. I could deal with awkward when I was at a five-star resort getting treated like royalty.
We got started on wardrobe choices for the two men. It was barely working, since both of the men were very attractive. They were tall, muscular, and had proportions that made every type of clothing look good. I could already imagine Toby in some of the pieces. While Easton was a little bit ginger, Toby’s features were dark. Both his hair and eyes were almost black and he had the type of skin that tanned well.
God, getting over this guy wasn’t going to be easy, was it?
That didn't matter, I wasn't going to lose out on this vacation just because of him. I couldn’t be lonely when I was sipping champagne that was more expensive than my rent.
I couldn’t wait.
3
Toby
Traveling alone wasn’t the worst thing in the world; I didn't know why I was in such a bad mood about it.
As I thought that, I looked around the cabin of the plane. It was bigger when it was empty. I wasn't truly alone of course because there were people flying and staffing the aircraft, but my usual travel partner, Easton was absent. He had chosen to come up to Colorado a little bit later with Missy and their friends. I was fairly close with the group and on various occasions, I had joined their get-togethers.
I wasn't comfortable referring to them as my friends yet, even though they had been nothing short of welcoming. When he told me I wasn’t going to tell him no, of course not. I could have waited and gone with them too, I knew he wouldn’t have minded but that was off the table too. I felt like a third wheel when I was with them.
Everyone was coupled up, and not just regular couples, real couples. Endgame couples. Brenna and Charles had kids, Niall and Eddy too, and Easton and Missy were probably next. They were engaged, and you know, kids were the natural progression from that point. Easton had been spending a lot more time with the group lately and had invited them up to Colorado with us. If it was just us, we would have completed the trip in a couple of days, in and out, no fuss. With the group, it had turned into more
of a vacation.
I didn't care. The more the merrier, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of jealousy. Aside from being in the Army, I had never had a larger group of friends. Besides Easton and a couple more casual acquaintances, that was pretty much where the list ended. I had never had a problem with that, but Easton spending a lot more time with them on top of being engaged had made me reconsider some things.
He always invited me to hang out when the group of them met but I said no more than I said yes because like I said, they were all happy with their other halves. I often invited a date when we would meet, but it wasn't the same because the next time they saw me, it was with a different woman. They never really mentioned it but I knew that they noticed, and I knew that they judged, especially the women.
I wasn't doing anything wrong so I had no reason to feel shame, but it still didn't feel good. I had seen the change in Easton since he and Missy had become more stable. That was it, the stability. I felt like he was just better all-round. Like he had optimized all his systems and it was just operating at a higher level ever since she became a constant part of his life.
So yeah, I was a little jealous, but not enough to try and monopolize Easton's life as if he was still single. I had to take a step back and that was my fault if anything. Get a damn fiancée if you don’t like it. It was fine that he had other priorities and other friends, he never let work take a backseat and that was what was important.
Maybe this was a sign, the encouragement I needed to go ahead and try to make some more friends in York City. Might as well get a girlfriend so I wasn’t introducing more random models whenever the group saw me. Since the bulk of my social interactions were mindless hookups with a rotating roster of women, and I hadn't been doing that lately, I hadn't been getting much.
Here was a thought; how about you actually go on honest dates with a woman you intend to spend more than three hours with, get to know them, make a commitment to them, date about one to three years, propose, and then get married?
Yeah, wasn't going to happen.
My insecurities and hang-ups around love and marriage were getting in the way of me being happy for my best friend. She was great for him and he was the happiest that he had been in the time that I'd known him. A little bit before the flight, when he called me to tell me he'd be coming later, he confided in me that he had to take Missy to the hospital. Of course, I was worried so I asked what the problem was and he told me that there was none. She had however missed her period though so they were waiting to find out whether or not she was pregnant.
I knew what the right thing to say in the situation was. When somebody told you that they were expecting a baby with a person that they loved most in this world, you told them congratulations, and I had. I congratulated him because she was his fiancée. Even if it wasn’t exactly planned, it would have likely happened sooner or later.
Sometimes pregnancy was a good thing. When you did it with someone you loved, you could actually look forward to it. Not everyone was filled with terror at the thought since they only had hookups.
I couldn't help feeling a little bit scared on Easton's behalf. He was so happy and so different these days, so dedicated to this new life with Missy, which just made me scared of what would happen to him if it all fell apart.
That was the thing, there was a chance that Missy wouldn't be in his life forever, but no matter how many women ran through his life, I would always be there as his friend. I would be the one who got to see him crumble and then be the one who helped him rebuild something out of the rubble.
I probably was out of line making those judgments about Missy, especially since Easton had given her his stamp of approval, but I couldn't help worrying about him. I had seen the worst of what a broken heart could do. Easton hadn’t ended up as a statistic after the Army, I didn’t want to see him go down just because he gave his heart to the wrong woman.
I shook my head and tried not to think about it. I couldn't rely on Easton’s or anyone else's relationship to restore my faith in love. I was too far gone anyway and I didn't need to poison Easton and Missy's happy life because I was a fuck-up. It was no use being that negative too. If he was happy then what right did I have to have reservations?
I was going on vacation, now wasn’t the time to whine about things that had nothing to do with me. I couldn’t wait to get to the resort.
Maybe while I was there, since everyone else was going to be loved up with their significant others, I could talk to a couple of people and hook up with a bored wife that was there on a ski vacation with her much-older husband who had erectile dysfunction. I worked way too hard anyway, this was going to be nice. We were going to get excellent pictures for the editorial, and business would boom as soon as the story was out.
I left it at that because I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I wasn’t a child who was jealous that his friend had a girlfriend and he didn’t. The mountains were beautiful and they wouldn’t look different just because he had a woman there and I didn’t.
It sucked, but if Easton had a lesson to learn and Missy was the way he was going to learn it, then I had no right to stand in his way. All I could do was be there just in case he needed me on the other side.
The plane touched down at the airport near Vail, where we were heading. I had traveled with the bulk of the drone equipment that we were going to showcase up in the cabin. Transferring it from the plane to the vehicle waiting for me at the airport would have been easier with an extra set of hands, but then I remembered that I was going to stay out of Easton’s business.
The original plan was to use a cab service to take us to the resort. After everything changed the way it did, I decided to rent a car and go to the cabin instead of the resort. I was going to be alone no matter where I was, so why not go there? It was a nice, isolated place up in the mountains with a private owner. It was going to be good to have some time with my thoughts.
Vail was a one hundred and eighty-degree shift from New York City. It was still a little bit too early for snow, but the mountain peaks were covered in it, and that was what scraped the sky instead of huge, tall buildings. It was silent and there was almost nobody around versus the nonstop activity of the city. I meant that in a good way, as much as I liked living there.
I was going to be on the road for a little over an hour, so I turned a podcast on to keep me company and followed the directions on the GPS. I snaked up into the mountains, the signs of impending winter apparent in the bare trees.
It was nothing I would want long term but the quiet was going to be good for me. This was for work after all and the shoot was going to result in a lot of publicity which meant more work. More work meant I wouldn’t have to think about anything else.
Wow, I never thought I’d be the guy who relied on work to take up all my time because I was lonely. That was who I was now. The realization was sobering. It was a little pathetic too, I couldn’t lie. I hated that guy. He was lonely, had unresolved childhood issues, and probably bad breath in the morning. I didn’t want to be him. That needed to change but it wasn’t my first priority.
The GPS chirped at me, telling me to turn off the road in a few yards. I did and ended up on a short driveway to the cabin. I saw a car up ahead, parked in front of the cabin. It matched its pictures, large and all wood with stone chimneys. There was a patio in the front and there was meant to be a verandah on the side too for the living room. The property was bordered by evergreens and probably looked stunning in the snow. I wondered whether I’d be able to see it that way.
Maybe the person who owned the car could tell me.
That was unexpected. The shoot wasn’t today which was exactly why I had come up here, but I figured it was probably the people who were doing the shoot. Maybe they came up here to set up and scope out the area. Whatever, hopefully, they weren’t thinking about staying the night.
If they were, it was no problem, I would just spend the night at the resort, but I was really hoping for some time alo
ne out here. I didn’t even know who was in there, so I decided to go and check before I jumped to any conclusions.
I climbed the steps up to the door and tapped in the entry code, unlocking it. I left my suitcase in the entryway and walked in, turning into the kitchen.
“Hello?”
“Oh my God!” she yelled and spun around with her hand on her chest. It was a woman standing in the kitchen holding her phone in one hand. Her face only slightly registered in my memory but that red hair was unmistakable. I felt my chest clench and my breathing went short.
“Sorry, I didn’t know anyone was here,” I said. She was in a loose sweater and leggings. Her hair was piled up on her head and she was wearing little if any makeup. She was stunning. I thought the flashbacks to the night together were bad before but now they were about to be worse. I realized that she'd likely be on the trip being Missy’s assistant but I thought they'd be traveling together.
I was banking on being able to avoid her if I needed to and generally not seeing much of her. I was fucked up over her and I knew that without needing this encounter for confirmation. My palms started to sweat.
“I thought so too,” she said. “Why are you here?”
Wait a minute.
She was Missy’s assistant. A glorified coffeemaker. I was the reason the shoot was even happening and she was asking me why I was here?
No, something wasn’t right. Come to think of it, I didn’t like the way she was looking at me. I didn’t like the way she was talking to me either. Her stance and outrage seeing me told me that she hadn’t been masturbating every night thinking about our night together like I had and that irked me.
Admit You Need Me: A Secret Pregnancy Romance (Irresistible Billionaires Book 4) Page 3