I came across a trail that led through the trees about ten minutes before coming to a clearing that looked over a gully. It looked like something out of a movie and I thought she would appreciate getting out of the cabin for an afternoon. Turned out I was wrong.
“Come on, just follow me. You're going to love it.” I reached out and grabbed her hand. She kept stumbling but she followed me. Neither of us were nature lovers but this place held a special place in our history, even though it wasn’t necessarily pleasant the first time we were out here.
“Here it is,” I said as we came out to the clearing. She looked around, panting.
“Is this it?”
“What do you mean is this it? Look around you, we're in paradise.”
She looked at me in disbelief.
“You brought me out here to look at trees and twigs when there's going to be snowfall coming tonight? I'm going back to the cabin.” She turned and started walking away. I went after her, grabbing her hand to stop her.
“Okay, no, that wasn't all I wanted to show you out here.”
“Then what? I don't want to be caught out here when the snow comes down. We've been through that before,” she said. The somewhat unfortunate circumstances of the first time we were out here came to mind. I checked the forecast before this trip, and we were supposed to be good for another few days but that's what we thought before the first trip too.
Despite everything that happened that trip, it was important to both of us. It was the first time we were alone together and were forced to face our feelings and without it, we might not have gotten to the point we were at now.
It was cold though and the surprise wasn't shaping up the way I thought it would. The forest wasn't even what I really wanted her to see. I dug my hand down into my pocket and clutched the velvet-covered box that I had been hanging onto for a month already, waiting for the perfect moment.
“Toby, come on, let's go back to the cabin.” I grabbed her hand and got down on one knee.
“Only if you agree to marry me first,” I said to her. She was dumbstruck. Her mouth hung open and she looked like she was on the verge of tears.
“Oh… oh my God, Toby.”
My eyes flew open.
My phone wailed with the sound of my alarm, startling me out of my dream. That was what it was, a dream because there was no way in hell anything like that would happen in real life. Marriage now? I was losing it.
I rubbed my hands over my face, wondering why another morning had to come. Now instead of dreaming about her, I could just have her invade my normal daylight thoughts. I couldn't shake her and I felt like it was getting worse.
It had been weeks since we had gotten back from Colorado and I was still thinking about the woman. I hadn’t seen or talked to her in that time but that didn't matter because she was always on my mind.
I fucking missed her. I wanted to see her and be with her and touch her and that wasn't on the table.
You're clearly in love with her, I thought.
Yeah, well not on my watch. I threw the covers off and got out of bed. This sort of thing was like a cold, you got over it eventually, right?
I took a quick cold shower to clear my mind and then I went to the kitchen to down some coffee before heading to the office. Work was supposed to distract you from your real life, but it had been weeks and I was still waiting for it to happen.
I took my time going to work. When I got there, one of my employees was standing in the elevator. I saw the look of shock on her face when she noticed me coming inside and noticed as she slowly edged away from me as the doors closed. I hit the button and we started our trip up to our floor.
“Good morning, Mr. Anderson,” she said softly.
“Lauren, I know you're being polite but this morning keep it,” I said, trying to keep my voice level. She didn't say anything after that, taking my instruction. I had to give her a raise or something; that was out of line. She wasn't doing anything wrong, I was just in a bad mood and it wasn't even her fault.
She practically ran when the elevator stopped and the doors opened. I walked out and made my way to my office.
I noticed our employees physically move out of my way and lower their gazes as I walked by. If they were trying to hide it, they weren't doing a very good job. I wasn't fun to be around at the moment and I understood that at this moment there was little that I could do about it.
I walked into my office and sat down. Getting on the phone with our receptionist, I asked her what was on for today. I was going to try again. This time, unlike all the days before since coming back from Colorado, I was going to get so lost in my work that I forgot to think about her.
Right. This time it was going to work.
Someone knocked at my door before throwing it open. Easton. He was the only one who would do that, especially given the circumstances.
“I'm busy,” I said, without even looking up.
“Hey, are you going to do something about this?” he asked. I sighed, forced to pay attention to him.
“Do something about what?”
“You've been a mess ever since we came back from Colorado.”
“I'm dealing with some stuff. It will pass.”
“Are you sure? Because it's been weeks and still nothing.” He walked towards my desk. “Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask whatever you want. That doesn't mean that you're going to get an answer but try your luck.”
“What happened in the cabin when you and Maggie were trapped?” he asked.
“We waited for someone to rescue us, why?” I said. It was too fast; obvious guilt because I wasn’t being totally honest.
“Because I have a feeling that whatever happened in there is the reason why you're like this right now.” He wasn't wrong but I didn't want to admit it.
“I told you, it will pass. Give me like a week or something.”
“Okay, and during this week you're going to continue being trash at our meetings and make everybody around you uncomfortable. Look, you called me out when I was messed up over what happened with Missy and I think it's only fair that I return the favor.”
“This isn't about her.”
“You're right, it's about you. What the hell happened that messed you up so much?” We had kind of had this conversation before, but only kind of. I glossed over the details and I didn't know how much he knew. I didn’t know if he could help me but there was only one way to find out.
“To be honest, it didn't start at the cabin. It started before that, the night that you proposed to Missy the two of us hooked up. It was only supposed to be a one-time thing. We agreed that we were never going to do it again, but we ended up in the cabin together and one thing led to another.”
“So you two have been dating and you broke up?”
“No dating. That was off the table from the start and that's probably why all this went downhill. We agreed to a no-strings-attached deal but I guess one of us wasn't being honest.”
“Have you spoken to her? It sounds like you two had something, and now you want to take it seriously. Telling her sounds like an easy fix.”
“No, she said that she didn't want a relationship and I agreed to those terms.”
“You were lying and maybe she was too. Why don't you talk to her?”
“Easton, I don't need her to reject me twice. Even if it doesn't happen immediately, it's going to happen down the line. Both of us are just going to end up hurt so I might as well nip it in the bud now.”
“I think you're going to regret this.”
“What's my alternative? Tell her so that what can happen? We get together, have a relationship that eventually ends when I could have cut my losses early.” Easton was taken aback.
“If that's the attitude you have then maybe you shouldn't. Nobody goes into a relationship thinking about the end. They think about the intimacy, the support, the love that they're going to get, and also give to the other person.”
“I swear to God,
I don't know who you are since you got engaged,” I said, mostly out of frustration, but if we were being honest, a little bit of jealousy.
“You're going to do what you want at the end of the day but I think you should take a chance with Maggie and see what happens. You wouldn't be in the relationship alone, she would be there making decisions and participating as well so you have no way of knowing what would happen unless you try.”
“If all of this is to finally get my head out of my ass, I think I can handle it, but thanks for your help.” Easton did not look convinced and I wasn't convinced either, but I didn't want to have the conversation anymore.
The way I saw it, he was so happy and loved up with Missy that he thought that kind of thing was available to everyone and the awful, catastrophic end wasn't inevitable, but I knew different. I knew better.
He left me alone after that and I spent the rest of the day catching myself in daydreams about Maggie before pulling myself back. I wasn't very productive but I hadn't been since Colorado so that wasn't different. I was going to take care of it the best way I knew how. The only way I had been taking care of things since becoming an adult and maybe even before that.
It had been a long time since I’d been to the club but I was back. The way I saw it, I had everything under control in the past. I entertained women only for sex, was a regular at the gentlemen's club, and had never said two words to Maggie more than “hello, how are you” and my life made sense. I knew what I was doing and my system worked even if it wasn't flawless. I was going back to that.
Back at the club, walking off the street and into the darkened room felt a little bit weird rather than familiar, it had been a while. I made my way directly to the bar.
“Wow, it's you. I thought you went sober or something. It's been a while,” the busty bartender said to me. I knew her name usually, but it was escaping me.
“That means you know my order,” I said. She did and brought it over. I looked around still feeling a little bit out of place. Since it was too early for any dancers on the stage, the women were working the floor and a woman with a blonde bob wig and pink bikini zeroed in on me.
“I know you,” she said coming up to me. I wasn't sure who she was but if she knew me, she was probably right. I used to be here all the time.
“Do you? I don't think I know you,” I said, taking a swig of my drink. “How about I pay you for a private dance and we can change that?”
She squealed and bounced up and down, probably excited that she didn't have to put in any more work to get me to pay for a dance. I pulled out a hundred dollar bill and handed it to her. She grabbed my hand and led me to one of the VIP rooms. I knew what went on in those rooms and yes this was that kind of club. As long as no one said anything, anything was possible. Even if they didn't say it outright, many of the women would magically turn into escorts if the price was right.
The room had gaudy red lighting and even though the furniture was expensive and clean, you just knew that bad things took place in that room. Men cheating on their wives and fiance's, women jerking off guys who they really wouldn't look at if there wasn't money involved. The woman pushed me down onto one of the couches.
“Comfy?” she asked before she sat on my lap and started grinding her hips. She was petite and slim, a beautiful body which she obviously worked hard for but I had gotten used to Maggie's voluptuous curves and I was having a hard time not imagining Maggie in her place.
“Not yet. Turn around,” I told her. She did and knelt between my knees before slowly taking off her bikini top.
Nothing. I was staring at a pair of beautiful pink-tipped tits and my dick was asleep.
Perfect, Maggie broke my fucking dick.
This was supposed to do it. Having sex with another woman, another couple of women if I had to would do the trick. I mean asking me to have sex with multiple women was not exactly a sacrifice. I knew that I needed someone else to get over her, but the thought wasn't even turning me on. In the past, rarely a week went by when I didn't have sex with somebody, usually a different somebody than it had been the week before, but Maggie had been my last lay weeks ago in the cabin.
The woman stood up where she was and pulled the strings of the bottom piece of her bikini loose so that it fell to the ground. She looked beautiful. She was something right out of Sports Illustrated, tight, lean, with nice tits and a cute ass but my body wasn't cooperating.
“You know, I can do more than just full nude,” she said to me. There it was, the woman was telling me that if I wanted it, I could have sex with her.
I didn't want it. Against all normal impulses, I didn't want to have sex with her.
I reached for my wallet and pulled out a couple of hundreds anyway since I felt bad for turning her down.
“I don't think tonight is the night,” I said handing her the money.
“Are you kidding me? When you stopped showing up, I thought I'd never get a chance to be in here with you.”
“It's not you, trust me,” I said to her.
“There was this rumor that you were gay but I never believed it.” I laughed and told her to have a good night, then walked out.
I remembered what Easton told me that work and silently resented him for it. I told him I had it under control, that I would take care of things the way that I knew how. Well, my old ways didn't seem to work anymore. I wouldn't have been able to get hard in there and the awkward apology and retreat would have been even worse.
Looked like Maggie had won. If it was as simple as going to her house and demanding that she fixed this, I wouldn't have been so bitter. Things were already bad but now they were worse and I had no idea how to change them.
20
Maggie
I flushed the toilet, saying goodbye to my egg and bacon breakfast. I gave myself a second to compose myself then shakily rose to my feet and took a deep breath. It was day three of this bullshit.
After feeling sick the first day, I told Missy and she told me not to worry about it, I could work from home if I needed to. I thought I had the flu or maybe I had eaten something bad. None of the other flu-like symptoms were coming through though, but I didn’t have any reason to think it was anything else. Not until it kept coming.
Brushing my teeth, I tried to analyze my reflection. I didn’t feel like I looked different. My face was kind of red, but I had just been bent over the toilet bowl. I felt normal too. Normal-ish, at least.
I didn’t want to think about it, but it was getting to the point where I couldn’t afford not to think about it. Throwing up in the morning for three days was one thing but to top it off, I was late too.
A couple of months ago, I never would’ve entertained pregnancy as a possibility in my life because it had been years since I had seen a flesh and blood penis, much less had one inside me. Things were different now.
We had been safe, mostly. The night of Missy’s proposal, we had used condoms and those had a pretty good success rate unless one of them ripped and neither of us noticed. In the cabin, we hadn’t used protection, but he had pulled out every time. Yeah, I was way too old to think that was a reliable way to prevent pregnancy.
I started feeling sick again. I had to find out once and for all before I could really start panicking. After cleaning up, I took the short walk to a drugstore and bought a couple of pregnancy tests.
I felt like a high school student again. I remembered being seventeen, having just had sex for the first time, and being paranoid that I had gotten pregnant. We used a condom, but only after I agreed to let him stick it in just one time without the rubber on. The test was negative of course and the sex was horrible, but something about sitting on the closed toilet waiting for the results to show up took me back to that time.
I didn’t have any solid intentions of becoming a parent. Ever since my relationship broke down in the spectacular way that it did, I had pretty much resigned myself to being alone. If the desire to have children had shown up at some point, maybe I would have done so
mething about it. Brenna, my closest friend had briefly worked for a fertility clinic as a surrogate. That had gotten me thinking of alternative methods of having a family, but it looked like I had beaten myself to the punch already.
I stood up and checked the test sitting on the edge of the sink.
Just as I thought, positive.
I tossed it into the trash and walked out into the living room.
Of course, it would happen to me. Of course, the first time I have sex in years, it results in an unplanned pregnancy. The man was somebody who didn’t want a relationship with me, because of course he didn’t, and my life was simultaneously the best and worst that had been in a long time. What was I supposed to do with a newborn?
I felt like nothing around me was moving. I was floating in this formless, liquid world. Everything had stopped, but everything inside me was racing at a hundred miles an hour. I was pregnant. I was going to have Toby’s baby and he wanted nothing to do with me.
The dam broke. I sunk down to the ground and I sobbed. I cried like it was someone’s funeral. I cried because I had no idea what to do otherwise. I wished that this was good news because this baby didn’t deserve to be conceived under the conditions that it was conceived, but I wasn’t even allowed to be happy about it.
It felt like an hour had passed when I finally felt numb enough to do something again. I had to tell someone. I was getting tired of holding it all in, the secrets, the lies, and now this. I had been dealing with it alone and if what I needed was a sign to finally seek help, this was it.
I called Brenna. She was a mother so there was no guarantee that she would be available, but I had to try.
Did calling the baby daddy ever occur to you, I wondered as the phone rang.
Nope, never. Wasn’t doing that. Brenna picked up.
“Hey Maggie, what’s going on?”
“Hi, Brenna are you busy right now? Sorry for calling out of the blue.”
“No, I’m not, is everything okay? You sound a little different.”
Admit You Need Me: A Secret Pregnancy Romance (Irresistible Billionaires Book 4) Page 13