“What do you want me to say? I don't know where to start? I've been deluding myself ever since that night, the first night that we got together. I said that I didn't want a relationship and because I had, I just kept saying it even when it stopped being true. Now you've been dealing with a pregnancy on your own for months, not to mention getting stalked by your psycho ex and I feel responsible.”
“You never could have predicted Paul coming back the way he did.”
“I should have been honest with myself and with you from the start. I wanted a relationship with you, I wanted everything with you but I was scared and I kept lying. I could have been there when you took the pregnancy test or went to the hospital for the first time and I missed that.” I looked down at the ground and dug the toe of my shoe into the floor.
“There are going to be more hospital visits. Don't worry, you didn't miss much.”
“That’s not the point Maggie. I tried everything. I tried to shut off my feelings, I lied about how I was feeling, I kept settling for sex when I wanted more. I was stupid and I hurt you and you were pregnant through all of it. I want you to forgive me. It’s shameless to ask for another chance but I want one. I need one. I love you.”
I knew how stupid I looked staring at him but I couldn’t believe it. Knowing his track record, it sounded like a lie. He was telling me things he knew I wanted to hear just so he could get more sex out of me. I didn’t want to play that game and I felt like my guard was up. Every horrible thing I had been trained to think about relationships because of Paul played over in my head.
I didn’t want a relationship at first either. I did the same thing with him but he had been pushing me away for weeks. I had no idea that he felt the same way and honestly, I was a little hurt that all this was happening now.
“That’s… that’s sudden, Toby.” He looked a little confused.
“Sudden?”
“You’ve told me the opposite over and over. Whenever we get close, it’s a matter of time before you pull away again. Sorry but by now I feel like I should know better.” He got up and got in front of me, sinking to the ground so we were face to face.
“I said what I said and I did those things and I’m sorry. It was cowardly and there's nothing I can do about what happened. I’m asking for a chance to prove myself.” My eyes started to water.
“Can you give me a second?” I asked. More confusion on his face.
“Yeah. Of course,” he said. He moved and helped me get up. I walked to my bedroom and pulled the door closed. I sat on the bed and covered my face.
He was right there, what was I doing?
He was finally saying all the right things and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to say yes but I was primed at this point to take his rejection so much that his open honesty made me anxious.
There was a knock at the door before it opened.
“Maggie? Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I said, sighing. “Just wondering how long it's going to take you to change your mind again.” He walked over and stood in front of me.
“If you want me to leave, I’ll do it right now and never look back. I’ll organize monthly payments for the baby and if you’ll allow it, visitation, but you’ll never have to see me again. Say the word Maggie and I’ll leave.” I didn’t know how to react to that. He was calm and I could hear the conviction in his voice. He was offering me two futures, one with him and one without him. He could leave me if I let him in, or he could leave me now and I wouldn’t have to worry about when it would happen.
“How can I trust you?” I asked, standing.
“Do you want me to put money on it?” he asked. I pushed his arm, making him smile. “How much?”
“That’s not funny. You have enough money for that not to matter,” I said.
“I’m sorry,” he said. He reached out and hugged me. Was this a trap? I was falling for it. I didn’t want to think about what-ifs right now. I felt like I had everything I wanted right in front of me and for once it was clear what he wanted. Me.
I kissed him.
I stopped thinking. I became intensely aware of him suddenly, like the fact that he was in a tuxedo with his hair slicked back. It never even occurred to me to wonder where he had come from but I wasn’t going to stop and ask him. Orgasm first, questions later.
33
Toby
I pushed her down onto the bed, rougher than I wanted to because I was excited.
“Oh, shit. Sorry. I didn’t meant to shove you like that,” I said. I had no experience with pregnant women. I didn’t know how delicate they were or weren’t. She just laughed.
“Don’t just stand there,” she said, getting out of her clothes. I had a lot more layers on than she did so she was naked, waiting on the bed for me while I kicked my shoes off.
“Where were you by the way?” she asked.
“Are you sure you want to discuss that right now?” I asked, getting on the bed, between her legs. She pulled me into her and naturally, our bodies slid into place. She gasped and clutched me tighter. I closed my eyes, just taking it in for a second.
I loved her. I loved every single thing about her and she was mine.
We weren’t quick. We didn’t have to be and I didn’t have to be. I loved her and I loved the way she felt. Slowly, we worked each other into a frenzy, the friction getting the most of us in the end. I came explosively inside her, slowing down and taking her in in the afterglow of our lovemaking.
“It was a gala,” I said.
“Huh?”
“That’s where I was before this.”
“Oh.” I slid onto the bed and cuddled her. I looked down at her. It was about seven seconds before she noticed.
“What?”
“I haven't seen you in a while, can't I look at you?”
“Not like that, not like you're checking me for lice or something.” I laughed and kissed her forehead. She didn’t really look different. Her face hadn't changed and her body was pretty much the same to but that wasn't going to remain true for the rest of the pregnancy. I put a hand on her stomach.
“Do you know what we're having?” I asked. The question scared me as much as it excited me. I didn't have a preference as far as the child's gender but I was going to be someone's father. I had not prepared for this recently or at any point in my life to be honest.
If we looked at the facts and the things that I knew about myself, I knew that I was not what anybody would call father material. I had never tried to have kids before because I had never tried to have a traditional relationship before. I wasn't against any of it, it was fear to be honest.
I was still extremely scared. My partner in all of this was Maggie and that meant something. It took more than just love to have a family succeed, but I knew I wouldn't have been as calm about doing this with anybody else.
“Not yet. Have to go to the hospital to find out at around twenty weeks. I'm not sure that I want to know though.”
“Really? I'm dying to find out, but we don't have to if you'd rather get a surprise on the due date.”
“No, no. If you want to find out, then we'll find out. After keeping this secret for so long I think that's the least I can do if you really want to know.”
“Thank you.”
“I'm sorry about this, I don't know if I already said that. I know that you weren't looking for any kind of attachment, not to me and definitely not to a child.”
“I'm happy about the baby.” She looked confused.
“You don't have to say that to spare my feelings. I know I'm pregnant but you don't have to be nice to me.”
“I'm scared, I'm way out of my depth. I don't know the first thing about babies, but I'm happy.”
“I know that people change but that is one hell of a one eighty to make in just a matter of months. Just a matter of weeks if not days.”
I lay my head back on the pillow. I had my reasons even though they sounded a lot more like excuses.
“My mother committed
suicide when I was in high school.” She got up and looked down at me.
“Oh my God, I had no idea. I'm really sorry that you went through that.”
“She wasn't sick. It wasn't an accident, it was my dad. They had been together all my life and suddenly he decided that he had married too young and he didn't want family life anymore. He abandoned us and she didn't take it well.”
“Oh my God, Toby, I'm so sorry.” She ran her fingers through my hair.
“That's why.”
“That's why what?”
“That's why I’ve never had relationships. It's why I pushed you away. If anything, it's a defense mechanism but it obviously didn't work in this case.”
“You were afraid of ending up like your mother? Or your father for that matter?”
“I was afraid of loving someone so deeply that they could ruin me like that. I don't like that kind of vulnerability. I avoided it as much as I could but not because I didn't want it.”
“What do you want?”
“I want to actually live my life being truthful to myself. I want to be honest with myself and with you. I'm missing out on so much more by denying myself what I want, rather than taking the risk and having what I want, no matter how impermanent.”
“Are you sure that you're ready? This is so much and so soon. I don't want you to feel pressured. I'm not going to take it personally if you would rather distance yourself. Perfectly understandable.”
“No. I want this, I want our family and I want you Maggie. I love you and I love the child that we're going to meet in 6 months.”
“I'm not really sure what to say to that.”
“Well, I want you to say yes but I understand if you don't.” Why had I just said that? It was true, but I didn't just want her to say yes, I needed that. I needed her. I wouldn't be half as happy or confident about moving forward if it wasn't for her. I needed the way that she challenged me and made me see things that I didn't want to.
I couldn't wait to see her being a mother. Even if I wasn't in the picture, I knew that our kid would grow up to be the funniest, smartest, most well-adjusted kid out there because she would be there.
“I love you Toby,” she said. I cupped her face so that I could kiss her. She started to pull away but I didn’t let her. She giggled as our lips were pressed together.
“I hope you know that I'm not just saying that because I want the baby to have both their parents around.”
Part of me didn't care why she was saying it. I was getting a chance that on many levels I didn't deserve. She was opening her heart and her life up to me and I was going to do everything in my power to make sure she didn't regret it.
Epilogue
Seven Months Later (Maggie)
“I’m going to need you to push,” the doctor said from between my legs.
“I can’t.”
“Keep going babe, I know you can do it. You’re almost there.” I closed my eyes and shook my head. Toby’s hand was gripping mine, I wanted to listen to him, but more than that I wanted to take a nap. I was so tired.
Brenna had told me that giving birth felt a little bit like taking a really huge shit, but she had lied. It wasn’t the pain since I had had an epidural. It was just how long it took. I had been in labor for two days and I still didn’t have a baby in my arms yet.
“No, I can’t do it,” I said, falling back onto the pillows behind me. I felt somebody touch my face, brushing my hair back. It was Toby. He was being so kind to me. He should have been since this was his fault. I had no plans to get pregnant yet here I was giving birth to his baby. He had been nice during the pregnancy, but I was resentful that I was the only one going through this part alone.
“Just take it slow, Maggie. Just breathe the way they taught us in class.” I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I was so tired. All I wanted was to go to sleep and have a baby in my arms when I woke up. We were not doing this again by the way. One baby was just going to have to be enough.
“This will only take as long as you want it to. Give us three good big pushes and he’ll be out,” the doctor said.
Why hadn’t I just had a C-section? I was probably lucky since all of my closest friends had kids and they had had a ton of advice to give me as well as answers for all my questions. Going through my pregnancy, I hadn’t had that many surprises.
I had heard of some of the more extreme changes that could take place, like going up the shoe size, and losing teeth and all kinds the terrible stuff like that. Thankfully it hadn’t gotten that bad. I knew that this obviously wasn’t the end of the line. The next three months were going to be a challenge as well. Toby had been an amazing partner. Trying to be grateful and thinking about the future was too hard while I was trying to have a baby.
“You’re good doing so good Maggie,” I heard Toby say to me. “You’re doing so good, you’re already such a great mother. I can’t wait to meet our son.”
I couldn’t wait to meet him either. I pushed, hard. The pressure in my lower body was immense. I couldn’t remember ever feeling anything like it. The sooner I did it, the faster this would be over and I could hold my baby.
Toby yelling next to me told me it was over. I heard the medical staff talking and hustling around the room, and then I heard our son crying. I lay back on the pillow and closed my eyes. He was here. I did it.
“Oh my god, babe, he’s so gorgeous. You did such a good job.” Everything was a blur until a voice asked whether I wanted to hold him.
Sapped of all my energy after days of labor, I didn’t feel it anymore. The nurse told me to relax and how to position my hands so that I could hold the baby.
“Oh my God,” was all I could say looking into his face. He was so small. His eyes were barely open and underneath the little hat they had put on him, was a full head of red wavy hair. I knew it. After nine months I would have been pissed if he came out looking only like his dad.
“Maggie, look at what you did,” Toby said. I looked over at him. He had tears in his eyes. He had maintained his composure pretty well up until this moment it looked like. I guess he never really saw himself having a baby either. I guess in that way, we were perfect for each other.
Up until maybe ten minutes ago, I never thought that I could love anybody as much as I loved Toby, but that wasn’t correct. Our son might have just eclipsed him as the most important person in my life.
The staff gently told us that they were going to take him and make sure everything was okay, as well as give me a chance to rest. I reluctantly handed the baby to Toby and let him hold him for a little while before the medical staff took him away.
“I can’t believe that just happened,” I said to Toby.
“I can. You did such a good job, Maggie. I’m so proud of you. Thank you.”
“Did you just say thank you? For giving birth to my own baby? I mean it’s not like I had a choice. Once it gets to nine months, it kinda fights its way out whether you want it to or not.” He laughed and kissed me on the forhead.
“You know what I mean. Every day with you is better than the last one and now you’ve given me something completely irreplaceable.” Toby never gave me a reason to doubt him, but there were moments when I was a little bit wary about the distance between us. It was such a sharp change from person he used to be, that I wondered when that person from the past might make a reappearance.
That needed to stop. He told me all the time that this was it and he was happy and what he wanted was a family with me. As much as he said it, he showed it too. He supported me throughout the pregnancy, being there for every doctor's appointment, sparing no expense when it came to buying supplies for the baby. One day, I needed to use his computer to look something up and the last page that he had looked up online had been prestigious daycares and kindergartens for when our baby was ready to attend.
He was all in. Everything he said, he backed up with his actions, and now I got to see him transform again into another different person. I was excited to see what he was like
as a father. I almost couldn’t imagine it, but that was what I thought about seeing him as a faithful and steady boyfriend too. Basically, all he did was surprise me. That, and make me the happiest person alive.
“Oh, well okay. You’re welcome I guess,” I said with a shrug. He laughed and kissed me again.
“Everyone is here by the way, are you ready to let them come and see you?”
“No. Not yet. I just need a nap, I’m so exhausted. Give me like half an hour and I think I’ll feel better.” He told me it was no problem and I closed my eyes knowing that he would take care of everything. I never had to worry when it came to him. He delivered results. He was a man of action. He was more resourceful, dedicated, and faithful than almost anybody I had met. Our rocky past completely faded into nonexistence. It might as well not have happened because of how absolutely in love we were now.
I took my nap and was woken up by a nurse who came to check on me. She helped me use the bathroom, because; something else I was prepared for thanks to my friends, peeing for the first time after having a vaginal birth was extremely difficult.
After I got back in bed, she wheeled our baby back in so that everyone could come and see him.
The kids weren’t invited, because that would’ve been a little bit too much chaos, but in came Niall, Eddy, Charlie, Brenna, Easton and Missy. Missy bustled in with helium balloons clutched in one hand and a giant bouquet in her other hand. She squealed when she saw the baby.
Even though she found out she was pregnant before I found out I was pregnant, my conception date was a couple of weeks before hers. Still heavily pregnant, she strutted around in designer clothes like nothing had happened at all.
“Oh my God, look at him! What an angel!” She said looking over the baby. Putting down her gifts, she came over and hugged me. Everyone else did the same, congratulating me and making comments about our son. Brenna, knowing me far too well had brought a huge haul of food from one of our favorite restaurants, knowing that I wouldn’t want to eat the hospital food.
Admit You Need Me: A Secret Pregnancy Romance (Irresistible Billionaires Book 4) Page 20