by CJ Murphy
“Laurel, it’s been great to chat with you.” Jo looked at Val, “Night, Jarhead.”
“Night, Dogface.”
Riding up in the elevator, Laurel massaged Val’s neck. Val put her head back and relaxed into the touch, allowing the skilled fingers to work up and down her neck. The strong thumbs ran from the base of her skull to her shoulders.
“God, you have magic hands.”
“I hope your surgeon will give us some good news tomorrow.”
“Cat’s going to chew me a new one.” Lieutenant Colonel Catherine O’Neil was a battle tried and true surgeon who had earned the birds on her collar. She’d operated on Val all those years ago and was one of the few doctors that Val trusted to play it straight with her. Val shook her head. After Val had been completely patched up, Cat made no bones about her interest. Val’s mind drifted on a memory.
“Go to dinner with me, Val.”
Cat was petite and one of the most feminine women she’d ever met as long as she wasn’t in a battlefield hospital tent. She was short, but once she put those ‘come fuck me heels’ on, look out. She could maneuver in those as well as she did in her combat boots.
“Cat, I think you’re an incredible doctor, but I think we need to keep things simple.”
Cat stalked around Val, running a polished nail across the back of her neck making her shiver. “What I’m proposing is simple, Val. Dinner and then we go back to my place for some wine and other pleasures.”
Val had declined and that hadn’t been the last offer. There’d been a weekend of insanity in P-town she still regretted. She’d told her persistent suitor it would never happen again, but that didn’t keep Cat from hitting on her and trying every time they met up. She wasn’t sure how that would play out with Laurel. Unless she missed her guess, Fourth of July fireworks wouldn’t hold a candle.
Laurel helped her into her room. The nighttime basics completed, they got her undressed and settled in bed. Val was surprised with how comfortable she was with Laurel. Leaning over, Laurel kissed her lightly on the lips. Drawing back, she whispered, “Sleep well, Viking. We’ve got a big day tomorrow.”
Val pushed her head up to meet those lips again. She whispered, “stay,” and kissed her a bit more firmly.
“Val,” Laurel protested.
Val closed her eyes against the rejection and fell back onto the pillow. “See you in the morning?”
Laurel kissed her again and pulled away. “You can count on it.”
“Ok, good night.”
Val lay there as Laurel walked across to the door and flipped off the light. As she lay there in the darkness, a feeling of recognition washed over her, and she finally admitted to herself that she was in love with Laurel and had no idea what to do about it. She wasn’t even sure she knew what it took to have a good relationship, she’d only witnessed it with Liz and Jo. Would I hurt Laurel? Closing her eyes, the questions bounced off her mind like a pinball stuck between two bumpers. She willed sleep to come. Val settled back to try and relax, giving her body all the incentive it needed to reach that goal.
Chapter Thirteen
LAUREL REACHED HER OWN room, pulled off her clothes, and slid into the boxers and t-shirt she’d brought to sleep in. Like Ree, she never slept well in a bed that wasn’t her own. Since coming home from college, she’d rarely done so. This was for Val though, and she’d do whatever needed to be done. It had taken all she had to not crawl into bed beside Val tonight. Her body and soul longed to lie beside her and that scared her to death. After her talk with Liz, her heart told her she needed to make a decision while her mind cautioned her to hold onto her fear. She needed to focus on getting Val well and then they could talk about what came next. She crawled under the cool sheets and twisted her hair in her hands. She turned on her side and closed her eyes.
Laurel didn’t feel like she’d been asleep long when a crash and shouting from the other room made her sit up. Rubbing her eyes, she tried to clear the cobwebs of interrupted slumber from her head and swung her legs out of bed. Disoriented, she held her head and tried to get her bearings. Again, she heard a shout and then a cry of pain along with more crashing. Val’s room. She raced to the room next door and saw Liz running toward her. Jo wasn’t far behind in her wheelchair.
Laurel started to hit the light when Liz yelled, “No!” A light turned on in the hall and Liz held her arm out to stop Laurel from going in. “Let me go in first.”
Jo stopped beside her wife, holding on to her arm. “Be careful, baby, broken wing or not, she’s strong.”
Liz stood at the doorway, the light from the hallway shining into the room. It was still too dark for Laurel to make anything out clearly, especially from where she was tucked behind Liz and Jo. The bed was empty, covers strewn on the floor.
Liz called out in a strong voice. “Val, it’s Liz. You’re in my home, and you’re in no danger. There are no suicide bombers, there are no children in danger, and you aren’t dying. You’re all right. I’m coming in.” She paused. “Val, I want you to call out to me. I’m going to turn on the bathroom light. The light won’t hurt you. You’re in no danger.”
Laurel watched as Liz crossed the floor to the bathroom. A soft white light illuminated Val huddled in a corner, a wingback chair on top of her. She let out a cry. Laurel’s stomach twisted with guilt at the scene before her.
Liz motioned for Laurel to approach. “Laurel, talk to her. Remind her where she is and that she isn’t in danger.”
Laurel took a few steps closer. “Val, honey, it’s Laurel. We’re all okay. There isn’t any danger. You’re okay.” She stepped closer and watched as Val’s left leg tried to find purchase. With one missing foot, she was unable to do so. “Val, baby. I’m going to come down beside you. You’re at Jo and Liz’s. We’re all okay.” Val cried out in pain, and it nearly broke her. “You’re going to hurt your shoulder. Please let me help you. Can you hear me?” Tears began to trickle down her face as she pushed the back of the chair up. She saw Val wide eyed, lying on her injured arm, her right hand clutching the chair as her left searched on the side of her leg for something.
Jo whispered, “She’s looking for her side arm.”
“Val, honey, it’s Laurel. You’re okay. Let me help you. You’re okay, I promise, we aren’t in any danger.” Finally, Val’s death-grip on the chair loosened, and Laurel lifted it off Val. Laurel made her movements slow and purposeful. “Val, honey, it’s going to be ok.” Laurel looked at Val’s unfocused eyes that flitted left and right. She was soaked with sweat, her fear palpable.
Liz cautioned and placed a hand on Laurels arm. “Be careful. She hasn’t come back to herself yet. She may hurt you.”
“No, she won’t.” Laurel reached out for her. “Val, it’s Laurel. We need to get you off your shoulder. You’re going to hurt yourself and then Gram is going to kick my ass. Val, can you hear me?” Recognition flashed in Val’s eyes and some of the fear receded from her face. Laurel moved closer and touched one hand to Val’s cheek, forcing Val’s eyes to hers. She wanted Val to see that she wasn’t afraid of her, that she trusted her. She watched as Val began to tremble and then a cry of anguish came over her as she pressed into her hand. Laurel pulled the trembling woman into her arms, rocking her. “Honey, did you hurt yourself? It’s all right. I’m here. Nothing is ever going to hurt you again. I’m right here, Val. You’re safe.”
Val sobbed, and Laurel whispered, “That’s it. Come back to me. Your arm has to be killing you.” Laurel’s heart raced, but she fought to keep her voice low and even.
Val trembled as she struggled to regain control. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, tears choking her words.
“Val, there isn’t anything to be sorry for. I’m sorry I didn’t stay with you like you asked. If I’d been here, this wouldn’t have happened.” Laurel felt sick to her stomach, anguished at Val’s state. “We need to get you up off the floor so we can look at that shoulder, okay?”
Val nodded. Together, Liz and Laurel got Val
up and helped her back into the bed. Laurel watched as Val took deep breaths in through her nose, exhaling slowly through her mouth. They examined her arm. The incision on Val’s side looked fine. Unfortunately, the shoulder was warm and red. Liz cursed. “I can’t tell if she’s done any more damage, only a scan will tell us that. Val, can we take you over to the ER?”
Val shook her head. “It’s fine. It hurts like hell. Trust me, it doesn’t feel as bad as it did after the accident.”
“Honey, are you sure?” Laurel frowned, worry coursing through her.
Jo made her way to the bathroom and retrieved a wet towel that she handed to Laurel. Wiping Val’s sweaty face, she examined Val’s eyes. They were clearer, but still dilated. She caressed Val’s back and shoulders.
Val looked at Liz with a face full of apology. Her body trembled, still not under control. “Honestly, guys, I’m okay. I should’ve known what we talked about would bring this on. It’s been a while since this happened. I thought maybe I was getting over them. Obviously not.”
Liz stood beside Val and touched her forearm. “I was afraid it might. I should have kept a closer eye on you.”
Laurel shook her head, remorse still twisting inside her. “No, Liz, I should’ve.”
Val grabbed Laurel’s hand, kissing the fingers that had been caressing her. “Laurel, you’ve never seen one of my flashbacks. This isn’t your fault. I’ve been having them for years. This whole trauma has it all stirred up, and it’s nobody’s fault.”
Laurel closed her eyes for a second, trying to find her voice through a throat thick with anxiety. She was scared and knew that if she showed even a hint of it, Val would take it on herself.
Jo had rolled up to the bed. She wagged her finger and smirked at Val. “Hey now, I didn’t try to take the blame for any of this, Jarhead. I was just snuggling with my wife, and you had to try to remodel my guest room.”
Liz smacked her. Jo rubbed her arm in mock distress. “What was that for?”
“Go get her an ice-bag, you jackass.” Liz leaned down and kissed her. “I love you.”
“Love you, too. Be right back.”
Laurel climbed on to the bed and held Val in her arms. She was grateful for the banter between the couple. It lightened the mood, and she saw Val break a smile. They seemed adept at putting Val at ease and she relaxed a little.
Liz went about quietly examining Val, checking her pulse and respirations. “My blood pressure cuff is out in my office. I think we can skip it. Val, can you tell me about it?”
Val bit her lip, but took a deep breath and the words came tumbling out. “It’s always the same. The kids are so excited, and the teachers are there. I’m trying to find the best camera angle so I’m not interfering. Lieutenant Gamble and Sergeant Layfield are passing out the supplies to the kids. I see that bastard walking up in his robes, and something doesn’t feel right. Angry words, upset kids, and then all hell breaks loose. I’m knocked back. I try to get up, but I can’t. My leg is blown to bits and I can hardly move my left arm. Shouts everywhere. Then it’s a kaleidoscope of images until I see the kid with the crayons.”
Laurel was horrified, never having heard what happened in Val’s own words. She held her tighter and kissed Val’s damp hair. How close had she come to never having known this woman? How close had she come to not ever having felt this way about someone? She made up her mind right then that Val would never suffer another flashback like this one alone.
***
Val rubbed her free hand across her face and through her sweaty hair. She was still jittery and skittish after the flashback. After everyone settled down, Liz and Jo went back to bed. They told Laurel to call for them if she needed anything. It was clear she wouldn’t be leaving Val alone again tonight.
“Can I have a pain pill?” Her shoulder was screaming, but she didn’t want to frighten Laurel. She was sure she would never get to sleep without it. Whatever damage had been done this evening could be fixed after Cat tore into her tomorrow. The pain was making her sick, and all she wanted to do was curl up in Laurel’s arms. Laurel handed her a bottle of water and the pill. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now get some rest.” Laurel kissed her head and settled Val down at her side.
Val sighed. If she couldn’t sleep, then she’d draw strength and peace from the woman holding her and the easy rise and fall of the soft chest her head rested against. Knowing that Laurel had now seen her at her worst and hadn’t run, eased her fear. “I don’t like feeling helpless.”
“You’re not helpless. You’re hurt, and it’s been a hell of an evening. Going through what you did, most people would be curled up in a corner. You’ve pushed through it and come out the other side. This is nothing more than a speed bump.”
Val raised her head to look at Laurel and smiled at the twinkle she saw in the eyes that met hers. Laurel’s hand cupped her cheek, her thumb softly stroking it, and Val pushed herself up enough so their lips were millimeters apart. She licked her lips and wished she had her lip balm, afraid her lips would be rough. Laurel brought their lips together. She wanted heat, but what Laurel brought to her was tenderness. The kiss was gentle and yet held more passion than any kiss Val had ever experienced.
Val wanted more, so much more, but she needed to feel in control of her life first. I need to be able to hold her with both arms and be able to touch her everywhere. Even though her arm was restrained, she could brush her hand across Laurel’s breast. Surprisingly, she didn’t react the way Val would’ve expected. She crushed her lips harder to Laurel’s and leaned up to move her head closer. She felt Laurel melt into the touch and for the first time in a long time, Val knew what she wanted. She could enjoy this kiss and every one she could manage after this. After her arm was healed, she’d do so much more.
Laurel pulled back from the kiss, gasping for air, a smile escaping her lips.
Val could feel her insides clench. God, I want her. Want to feel every part of her. She was in no condition to make love though, and she hoped Laurel was stronger than she was right now.
Laurel pushed softly against her chest. “Val, honey, we have to stop. You need to rest. You’re safe with me.”
Val yearned to make love to Laurel. She couldn’t imagine a day without Laurel in her life and yet, she still needed to get past her own insecurities. “I know, this can’t happen right now. I need you to know, I want another chance. I want you, Laurel. You’re so beautiful.” She pulled Laurel in for another kiss.
Laurel pulled back, running her hand through Val’s hair. “Behave yourself and try to sleep. It’s after midnight and we have to be over at The Bodyshop by 8:00 am because you, my sweet, have an appointment with your surgeon at 10:30 am. Now sleep, love.”
Val sighed. “Are you brushing me off?”
“No, I’m trying to get you to rest. I think you can figure out from that kiss how I feel, but this isn’t the time or place.”
“Then just tell me that there will be a time and a place, and I’ll go to sleep.”
“We’ll see, Viking, we’ll see.” Laurel settled Val back against her chest and wrapped up against each her.
For the first time in a long time, Val felt safe and complete. She fell asleep content to be exactly where she was in Laurel’s embrace.
Chapter Fourteen
THE NEXT MORNING LIZ eyed Val clinically. Clear eyed but still tired and pale. About what I expected. Val had made it to the table. She’d been in great deal of pain and cried out as they sat her up. Her shoulder looked inflamed and hot. She struggled to get showered and dressed, requiring Laurel to help her more than ever. Liz gave her permission to take the maximum dosage on her pain meds. Doing so would make her groggy, but without it, Liz knew she’d have difficulty doing much of anything.
At breakfast, Jo created a feast of pancakes, eggs, and sausage. “Breakfast is the only meal I’m any good at. The rest of the time, I leave the culinary skills to my wife, who’s as good as any trained chef in my humble opinion.”
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Liz kept the breakfast conversation light and comforting. No one brought up the episode, and she wheeled Val back to the study while cleanup took place. They settled again in the comfortable chairs and Liz took another hard look at Val. There were dark circles under her eyes. Her face was tight with pain despite the narcotics she had taken earlier.
“How are you?”
“I feel like shit,” Val grumbled. “I hate that Laurel witnessed that. It had to scare her to death.”
“I’m sure it did, not for the reasons you think though. I get the feeling she’s not afraid for herself, rather she’s worried about you. Seeing someone you love in that much pain, tears you up inside. During Jo’s last spinal surgery, I felt like I was dying.”
Val leaned forward in her chair, her left hand grasping the armrest. “I never wanted that for her. Why do you think I avoided any relationships? I hurt Tess more than once, and not just emotionally. I still haven’t forgiven myself for that. I couldn’t live with myself if I ever did that to Laurel. She’s too important to me to fuck this up. It’s why I’ve never told her how I feel or stayed around long enough to let this develop. She deserves someone to care for her without all this baggage. What kind of life will that be, watching me cower against something that isn’t there? I carry what happened every day. How could I make her bear that burden?”
Liz knew that part of being a marine was the deep sense of valor and responsibility. Val had seen and photographed things no one should witness. She sat back and spent a few minutes considering her next words. She diagnosed Val with survivor’s guilt many years ago. It was her professional opinion that the images from Val’s past were embedded in her psyche. The scars were deeply rooted and had nothing to do with her missing leg or other injuries.
They’d made tremendous progress toward exorcising those demons, but some still persisted. Her challenge now was to get Val to the next stage of healing. “Val, you have to believe that who you are right now is more than enough for anyone. You’re not less because you left part of yourself in that schoolyard. You couldn’t have changed what was going to happen that day. What you can change is every single day from here forward.” There was a big part of the equation she knew Val had yet to reconcile, one that she tried numerous ways to bring clarity to. “Have you made any headway identifying the soldier in those pictures, the one that was holding the child?”