by Alison Mello
“We need to talk, Zachary.”
“Yes, and we have the rest of our lives to do that. You relax. I’ll get the doctor.”
He took long strides out the door. Less than a minute later, he walked in with a nurse, looking thrilled and enthusiastic.
“Mrs. Peterson, I am Hilda. How are you feeling?”
“Good, I guess. I need to see my regular doctor. Where am I?”
“Northwest Hospital,” Zachary and the nurse responded in unison.
Nurse Hilda added, “We have your chart, and all updates have been sent to your oncologist. She is actually scheduled to come in this afternoon to see you.”
Courtney looked at Zachary as all hope diminished from his eyes. Without taking her eyes off him, she asked the nurse, “When do I get discharged?”
“That will be up to Dr. Hughes.”
“Thanks,” she said, feeling the need to be strong.
Noticing the rapid change in the atmosphere between the couple, Nurse Hilda swiftly inspected Courtney’s vitals and made her exit.
Zachary fought hard to bite his tongue until Nurse Hilda was out of the room. “Oncologist?” he echoed, his voice trembling.
Courtney pointed to the chair behind him where he had laid for hours caring for her. “Please sit down, Zachary. We should talk.”
“You think?” he scoffed and ran his hand through his already disheveled hair. He took a few steps back and sat.
“Cervical cancer.”
He drew in a deep breath. “For how long? What stage? Since when?” His brain was working overtime.
“I found out four years ago. Two years into my marriage. I was in remission until a month ago.”
“A month ago? We were—”
“We were on different paths,” she cut in as a way to ease his guilt for abandoning her. “You’d moved on, and I stayed away because it was a good thing for us. I didn’t want to put you through this.”
He frowned. “So why did you seek me out?”
“Because I needed closure, to make amends, before…”
Zachary shifted to the edge of his chair. “Before what, Courtney?”
She looked away from him. “It’s stage four, Zachary.”
He urged her with his dark eyes to keep talking. “What does that mean?” He comprehended what it meant, but the reality of it punched him in the heart. He couldn’t bring himself to accept it.
“It has spread through my body. It’s no longer just the cervix, and it’s no longer curable, at least with traditional treatment like surgery or chemo.”
“FUCK!” Zachary bellowed and jumped to his feet. He moved to the window, placing both palms against the glass. He looked down and repeated to himself, “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”
Tears ran down Courtney’s cheeks, her hand trembling as a result of trying to control her emotions. She sat up, grabbed on to the IV stand, and wheeled it toward him. Her weak knees quaked, but she retained her composure until she was directly behind him. She wrapped her arm around his waist. Spiraling out of control, he broke down, and wild tears streamed down his cheeks, dripping down the rail.
“I am so sorry,” she said repeatedly, ignoring the throbbing pain in her body as much as she could to be there for him.
He turned around and took her into his arms. “I am so sorry, Courtney.”
He placed his hand at the back of her head, positioning her in the crook of his neck. For moments, they embraced, and an oath was made with unspoken words.
CHAPTER 23
Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance could there be recovery.
~J.K. Rowling
It had been a tough forty-eight hours for Zachary, discovering and accepting the heartbreaking reality of the beautiful life he once thought was God sent. After the talk with Courtney, a few scheduled engagements pulled him away from her side. Once alone, he couldn’t believe how fast his ill-fated life tainted his newfound joy. Since he’d been born, he was yet to find that pure joy that never faded. It was now clear to him that he was destined to fail no matter how much he fought. He’d struggled to be accepted by his father and was instead exposed to violence. He married Alison to secure peace and acceptance yet found anything but that. Though he loved her, his violent past consumed him, and she suffered his shortcomings. Then by some miracle he found peace. Courtney. While in the back of his mind he always knew it was too good to be true, he dared to ask why not? Why not him? He deserved happiness too. How foolish of him to let his guard down. Not that he wished he never met her, but because he expected life to show him some mercy.
He walked into Dr. Hughes’s office with Courtney on his arm. She was discharged the previous day, and Zachary insisted he attend today’s visit with her. This would help him gain some insight into the future. His duties as her partner, how much he could offer to help her with the process, whatever that meant. He refused to accept her too late for treatment theory. There must be a way out of this, and he was determined to find out.
“Mrs. Peterson?” Dr. Hughes stood as they stepped into her office. She shot Zachary a confused and surprised look. It was odd seeing her patient with anyone other than her husband. William was by her side each step of the way when Courtney was first diagnosed. For the past month on her visits, Courtney had tried to ignore the fact that she was alone. Maybe she was ashamed and didn’t want to see sympathy in Dr. Hughes’s eyes, so she never told her about the divorce. Today she didn’t care anymore what people thought. Her days left on Earth had been cut by an enormous amount, and she needed to live her remaining days in peace, not pretending to be something she wasn’t.
“Courtney. Please call me Courtney.”
“I’m sorry, Courtney. Please, have a seat.” She extended her hand to Zachary, and he took it in a firm handshake.
He sat beside Courtney and took her hand into his, giving it a light squeeze to assure her she wasn’t alone. She reciprocated. Gazing into Dr. Hughes’s eyes, a bad feeling washed over Zachary, all sense of hope beginning to diminish. Her eyes held so much remorse she didn’t even make an effort to hide it. Zachary rubbed his palm over his pants leg, preparing himself for the worst.
“Zachary is my…” She broke off. Was her what? What was he? In a perfect world she would have said boyfriend, but now she wondered what she was to him. He said he’d be by her side through the bad times, but would he be there when she lost all her strength and would need to latch on to his? He was already finding a hard time accepting the truth.
“Boyfriend,” Zachary provided, and she looked at him with gratitude.
Sensing the recent drastic change in her patient’s life, Dr. Kristine Hughes greeted him kindly, though with skepticism in her eyes. At this point in her life, Courtney needed stability and no stress of any kind that would push her closer to the end.
“So, Dr. Hughes, what are our options here?” Zachary asked.
Dr. Hughes darted glances between the couple then settled her eyes on him. “Courtney is at Stage 4B, and the survival rate is about fifteen percent. This stage of the disease is not usually considered treatable. The only option right now is best managed by a combination of radiation therapy and chemotherapy to try to slow the growth of the cancer or help relieve symptoms. We initially started on Carboplatin-Taxol, which is a chemotherapy drug, but Courtney reacted negatively to the treatment, so I decided to switch to Doxil, which might work better for her. Courtney’s immune system isn’t strong enough to help fight the virus from spreading, and it’s been a challenge finding the right kind of treatment. We can continue with the chemo for a period of six weeks.”
Courtney pulled her hand away from Zachary and shook her head, refuting the idea of fighting on with another round of chemo.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Zachary asked. “You don’t want to do this?”
“You don’t know how much all these toxic treatments take from my body. I’m tired, Zachary.”
Zachary angled his body toward hers, and she was forced to face him. He took her ha
nd and gazed deeply into her hazel eyes. “You are a fighter, baby. You can’t give up. You have to give it your all. Please do this for us. I’m pleading with you.”
Tears threatened, but Courtney sniffed them back.
Zachary looked at Dr. Hughes. “Are there other options? Anything?”
She looked sympathetically at him, meeting his tearful gaze. “Most new treatments are developed in clinical trials and—”
“No!” Courtney readily interjected.
“No other options?” he asked again. “If she decides not to go forward with the chemo, then what next?”
Dr. Hughes resisted using the dreadful word. She thought how best to elucidate this without breaking him. She and Courtney knew exactly what happened next, but it was obvious he wasn’t ready to accept it. “I can’t say for certain how long she has,” she replied carefully. “It can be six weeks or five years.”
Zachary looked at Courtney, his breath ragged, waiting to hear her thoughts and hoping for the best.
Turning back to Dr. Hughes, Courtney sighed. “I’ll give the chemo another chance.”
Zachary let out the breath he was holding and nodded at the doctor.
Feeling defeated, Courtney rose to her feet. She had a plan, and that didn’t include another round of that lethal stuff they pumped into her body. She’d already accepted her fate, until she found love. Now she had to fight for him. After all, wasn’t that what love was supposed to be about? Fighting until the end.
***
The drive home was uneventful, both in deep thought about the bleak future. Courtney needed the support. In the past it was William, and despite everything, he was great with her. He was patient and eager to educate himself about every aspect of the treatment and what her body was expected to go through. It was a full-time job, but they were married, and it was his responsibility to care for his sick wife. With Zachary it was completely opposite. They weren’t married, he didn’t owe her anything, and he had his own mental and emotional setbacks to deal with. How could he take on such responsibilities for a woman he’d only known for a few months? She didn’t think he was up to the task, and that terrified her. He might leave her at some point and she would die alone, surrounded by no family and no love. It was the same reason she decided to let the sickness take her, but she had given in to his appeals. As if he was listening to her thoughts, he turned to look at her as the car braked to a stop at a traffic light.
“I’ll take you to my place and go to the office. It’s the first day of training with the new batch of the security team, and I can’t miss that. When I get back, we will go over to your place and grab your stuff,” Zachary said. “Well, you point, I’ll do the heavy lifting. You are staying with me now. I’ll feel better having you beside me so I can take care of you.”
“Thank you,” she said with a weak smile that didn’t reach her eyes. Her lack of faith broke his heart. He didn’t want her to be a quitter; he wanted her to fight. He gathered it was easier said than done, but he would be damned if he didn’t push her to try every possibility.
“Let’s grab some lunch before I drop you off.” He made a turn at the light, and Courtney nodded, looking out the window.
CHAPTER 24
She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings.
~Ariana Dancu
Courtney sat in the recliner, her hands clasped over the warm blanket the nurse had placed over her lap earlier, and stilled as the nurse inserted an IV needle in her arm to begin chemotherapy. As promised, Zachary sat across from her with a reassuring smile. If he was nervous, he did a pretty good job hiding it. For the last couple of days, he’d been great at hiding his real feelings from Courtney, working hard not to alarm her or cause her any concerns. As vowed, he moved her into his apartment and managed to convince her to permanently let go of her place. Knowing her inevitable fate, she did not argue. She just agreed to every decision he made regarding her welfare. He needed it. It was his way of feeling in control, that he was making a difference in her life.
In her mind, she was surviving for him.
When the nurse left the room, he hauled his chair closer. “You okay?”
Such a simple question but it held so much. Was she okay? Where did she begin? There’s so much she wanted to say to him, but as always, she bit her tongue.
“I’m okay,” she crooned.
“I have been thinking, in a few weeks, we should take a trip,” said Zachary. “Our first trip as a couple. Where would you like to go?”
He was trying to distract her, and Courtney appreciated his effort.
She thought about the one place she’d love to visit if she was truly given the option, not just by Zachary, but by God. Only God held the key to her future.
“I read about this place in Indonesia called Borobudur years ago. Prior to meeting William, I was enthralled by it. I was pulled into this wild fantasy, and for months that’s all I could think of. I couldn’t get William to take me. He had all the excuses in the world. After my parents’ passing, I struggled to find myself. I tried many things, like all kinds of church denominations, read about Judaism, Hinduism, and Islam.” She chuckled. “I was curious, and I loved to read. It was a great escape. Anyway, my curiosity lingered longer on Buddhism. That’s when I discovered Borobudur. It has the most astonishing Buddhist temple in the world. It’s the largest, actually. You should see the images. It’s fascinating.” Her eyes were wide like a child’s, and it amused Zachary. “It’s surrounded by hundreds of Buddha statues. The part that intrigued me the most was I read it is said that the universe is divided into three realms. I can’t pronounce the names of these domains, but they represent individually the province of desires where we are bound to our desires, the province of forms where we forgo our desires but are still destined to name and form, and the province of formlessness where there is no longer either name or form.”
“I’m confused.” Zachary leaned in closer, expressing his curiosity.
“Basically saying, do not allow sin to reign in your body. In the end, your body is destined to die, so do not submit to its weak desires in order to keep your soul pure.”
Zachary scoffed. “That’s easier said than done. The body is a weak vessel. It takes a strong will to rebuke its lustful desires. After all, we are only humans.”
Courtney shrugged. “Lives in the form realm are not sexually separate. They do not experience desire, overindulgences of pleasure, or pain in the way ordinary mortals living in the physical world do.”
“I have seen some fucked-up shit in my lifetime, trying to do good, make a difference, whatnot. This not giving in to desire and not feeling shit is as fucked up as it sounds. Nonetheless, that’s some deep stuff.” Zachary leaned back into the chair, unamused.
“Well, when you are knocking on death’s door, you tend to get deep,” Courtney said, and he frowned.
“I don’t want to hear you say stuff like that.”
“It’s inevitable, Zachary.”
His expression pleased her, and she cackled. “Thanks for the distraction, baby,” she said, and he nodded, fuming over her last words.
***
“Hey, Corey,” Zachary said somberly when his old friend strolled into his office.
“Seriously, dude? We were supposed to meet up days ago. What’s going on? You’re not changing your mind again, are you?”
“About what?”
Corey frowned. He laid his suit jacket over the back of the chair across from Zachary and sat. “What is going on?”
“I’ve been distracted lately. I’ll pass by and drop off the papers myself.”
“Is it the business? The beginning can be tough.”
“Nah, it’s going great. Better than we anticipated.”
“That’s good to hear. Then what is it? You’re not falling back into your mood swings, are you?”
Zachary scowled. “And it always comes to that.”
/>
“I’m just worried about you.”
After a few seconds, Zachary broke. “It’s…it’s Courtney.”
“What about her?” Corey asked.
“She’s sick, and I am having a hard time dealing with it.”
“What do you mean by sick?”
“Cancer.”
“Fuck!” Corey’s gaze softened. “How bad?”
“Very bad.”
“Shit, I am sorry.” He sat, marinating what he’d just heard. “She’s a beautiful woman, kind. She doesn’t deserve this.” Corey had only seen pictures of her on Zachary’s phone, and even in pictures, he appreciated her beauty.
“Yeah.” After a lengthy moment, Zachary confessed, “She’s living with me.”
Corey shot him a searing glance. “Say what?”
“She has no one, Corey, just me.”
“Are you sure you can handle this? You’ve a lot on your plate. This is too much of a responsibility to handle. My aunt Lisa died of ovarian cancer. I saw how it affected Uncle Carl. You were around, and you saw how fast she deteriorated. It was messed up. This is not the kind of responsibility you can easily take on, man. Hell, you can’t even remember to sign your divorce papers.”
“What exactly do you suggest I do, huh? Throw her out in the streets?”
Corey shrugged. “Call her husband. He has family, too. That’s her family. She’s not completely alone.”
“I should send her back to the man who abused her for years? Are you crazy?” Zachary bellowed, slamming his fist on the table. “Besides, they are divorced. His family never accepted her, so no, that is not possible. I care deeply for this woman, and taking care of her is not a chore or a burden, so you can drop that idea.”
Corey just stared at him. “All right, let me know if you need anything. I don’t want you falling back into the hole you struggled to pull yourself out of. This is too much, but your mind is set on it, so all I can do is support you.”