Now, of course I can see that you were looking out for me, but in that moment of white-hot insecurity, all I could think was that you wanted to hurt me. And so I said that STUPID, AWFUL thing to hurt you in return.
I hope you know I’d give anything to go back in time and say something different. But life doesn’t work like that. You don’t get ‘do-overs’. I know that better than anyone, believe me.
I don’t think I can express my feelings as well as you did in your email, so I’m just going to quote your own genius right back:
I can’t undo what I said that night, and I don’t expect you to forgive me for it, but I hope you’ll believe me when I say that you didn’t deserve it.
That I never want to say anything like that to you again.
On a lighter note, your comment about holding a grudge made me laugh. You do realise you *sometimes* (future Taylor dodges a virtual backhand from Goldie) slip into stubborn hard-arse mode, right?
I’m not trying to insult you. I laughed because that comment was so YOU – and TBH, I find your stubbornness kind of adorable.
Before you get annoyed, hear me out. Not only do I find your stubbornness kind of adorable, I think it’s one of your strengths. Other people say ‘stubborn’ like it’s a bad thing. But in my eyes, stubborn means ‘tenacious’ – i.e. you persist with things.
You’ve always been that way.
I’ll tell you a secret – everyone used to clap me on the back for my ‘dedication’ to snowboarding, and I’d nod along, but I always knew, deep down, that if I stopped finding it enjoyable (that’s an understatement; as you know, it was my favourite thing to do in the entire world), I would have dropped it.
I’m not saying I didn’t make sacrifices. I gave up loads to get to the level I did. But I had limits. If the fun stopped, then I’d stop too.
Whereas with you – when the going gets tough, you grit your teeth and you hang in there. Even if it’s not fun at all, you still give 100% of yourself. That makes you a Halley’s Comet of a person – someone like you doesn’t come around very often.
I’m willing to bet that when it comes to romantic stuff, you’re exactly the same. You put in everything you’ve got and giving up just isn’t an option.
I’ve already said this, but it can’t be stressed enough. Your ex is an imbecile to have let you go.
Bleugghhh. Let us speak of that fool no more. (That sounded straight out of one of your dad’s opera scenes, right?!) I’m going to end this email with a ‘feel-good’ closer – i.e. YouTube clips of clumsy cats and tiny puppies. You’ll find a bunch of linked videos below.
If these clips don’t trigger a smile from you, let me know – THAT WOULD BE SERIOUSLY WORRYING.
Xx Tay
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 8:42pm
Subject: Angry songs
Hey . . . I just saw your email, and I owe you a proper one back, but in the meantime – do you have any recommendations for angry breakup songs? Today was . . . a horrible mess. Like, blind-rage stuff. My entire head is thumping from tension – no joke, even my eyeballs hurt, which I didn’t know was possible.
I’m kind of terrified I’ll start mass-texting Mr Imbecile again. As in my fingers are twitching to shoot off text number thirty-one right now.
Yes, thirty-one.
Please send songs.
P.S. You know that when it came to you and Natalia, Tay, you had everything to offer, right? That’s what upset me that night. That you were with a girl who didn’t value the kind of qualities that make you the best guy I know.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 10:45pm
Subject: Start with this one
Hey – full list to come, but in the aim of preventing mass-text casualty, I’m shooting a stellar choice over to you RIGHT NOW.
Kelis – ‘Caught Out There’. Aka the ‘I hate you so much right now’ song. It’s super old – 1999 – but it totally holds up when it comes to breakup anthems. Chorus is a definite scream-along to. Or you could smash your pillow against the wall while the song plays? Won’t hurt the wall and it might make you feel like you’re in your own personal rage room.
More song suggestions coming at ya soon.
X Tay
P.S. Thanks for that little P.S., by the way. I might be blushing just a bit right now.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 8:46pm
Subject: You are my saviour
I don’t think you could have sent me a better hits-the-nail-on-the-head song.
I totally went with the pillow thing – and I got so into it, that I didn’t even notice Dad passing by my door. The next thing I knew, he’d grabbed the other pillow from my bed and was smashing the thing against the wall right alongside me, yelling, ‘You’ll get your comeuppance, Aidan!’
Anyway, by the end of the song, I was part exhausted (I’m a beginner in rage rooming, so I obviously need to build up some stamina) and part exhilarated.
I was about to hit ‘repeat’, but Spotify got in first with the selection, and that ancient Kelis song, ‘Milkshake’, began booming through the room. I have NO idea how Dad knows it, but on cue, he started singing along in falsetto to the verses and doing some kind of flailing-arms move, which I’m pretty sure was his attempt at the dance from Kelis’s clip.
Tay, it was so wrong that I collapsed on my bed laughing, and right then, Mum appeared at the door and yanked my curtains closed while saying, ‘Patrick, with that milkshake, no-one’s EVER going to come near our yard again.’
But that only made him more determined, and he started trying to dance all up in Mum’s ‘grill’. Then he tried to twerk in front of her, and I told them they both had to leave my room NOW.
No description of Dad’s moves will do them justice. I wish I’d got them on video for you.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 11:36pm
Subject: RE: You are my saviour
I’m still working on your playlist but had to shoot you a quick reply ’cause your subject line was so awesome.
Saviour. Talk about making a guy blush, Goldie.
And Patrick kickin’ it to ‘Milkshake’? Epic. Reminds me just how much I like your dad.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 9:43pm
Subject: Dads
Your dad is just as epic. Remember that time he won the amateur limbo game while wearing leather pants?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 11:46pm
Subject: RE: Dads
I wish I didn’t . . . don’t you remember he split the things on his final round?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 9:50pm
Subject: Limbo gone wrong
I was thankfully behind your dad and did not witness the atrocity front on.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 11:52pm
Subject: RE: Limbo gone wrong
Lucky you. At least he’s my dad. To you, he’s your mum’s ex-boyfriend/long-time family friend. Could have been seriously disturbing if you’d been standing in my spot.
Funnily enough, the incident never put Dad off leather pants – they’re still on constant rotation in his wardrobe.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 9:55pm
Subject: RE: Limbo gone wrong
I can’t imagine it any other way :) Tobi wouldn
’t be Tobi if he started wearing chinos or something.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 11:59pm
Subject: Dad’s new look
I just spat out a mouthful of tea at the image of Dad as a chino-wearing, golf-playing preppy boy.
Maybe I should suggest that get-up for this year’s Halloween costume. That or a suit. It’s just as unthinkable.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 10:01pm
Subject: RE: Dad’s new look
My mum wears a suit these days. Okay, it’s a designer suit, but still, it’s weird. Don’t do that to your dad.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday 17 September, 12:02am
Subject: YOUR MUM’S NEW LOOK (!)
For reals? Imagine: your mum and my dad together now.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 10:04pm
Subject: RE: YOUR MUM’S NEW LOOK (!)
I’d really rather not.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday 17 September, 12:07am
Subject: Your mum and my dad
Come on. It’s hilarious. They’re so different these days that the idea of them as a couple is . . .
It’s way too old and fancy a word for me to bring out, but I want to use preposterous.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 10:09pm
Subject: Please change the subject
Is it actually?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday 17 September, 12:11am
Subject: Way back when
Okay, way back when they were in their early twenties, maybe it was conceivable. You’ve seen the pictures. Your mum in slip dresses and black velvet chokers, and my dad the walking, talking symbol of rebellion.
But when you think about it, it all worked out perfectly. Dad and your mum stayed friends, Dad married my mum, and everyone got along and holidayed together on the regular. Total Disney movie.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 10:21pm
Subject: RE: Way back when
Yeah, I guess.
Mum still has those slip dresses, you know. No joke, I wore one for my first date with Aidan. They’re back in fashion.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday 17 September, 12:26am
Subject: RE: Way back when
At least your mum passed on the dress. My dad’s never let the nineties go. It’s like his golden era.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 10:33pm
Subject: RE: Way back when
Can you blame him? He was a legit rock star touring the world.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday 17 September, 12:38am
Subject: The past
You can’t live in the past, Goldie.
Wow. How mature and wise does that sound?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday 16 September, 10:43pm
Subject: RE: The past
Stop scaring me.
Oops. Mum’s shouting at me – Vi’s just skyped us. I better go be the peace-keeper. These wedding convos get seriously heated, and Dad’s got no hope of using his ‘humour’ to diffuse them.
I have no idea how I’m going to cope with nine more months of this.
When I get married, I’m eloping.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday 17 September, 12:46am
Subject: Weddings
Right with you. Eloping’s the bomb.
When your mum and sis are arguing, just tune out and think of how spectacular her wedding will be. There will be jaw-dropping mountainous backdrops, delicious food (Mum’s booked the best caterers) and people going crazy on the dancefloor.
Another majorly awesome thing about Vi’s wedding day: it means you are coming to Queenstown and you’ll get to see me.
Anyways, I better let you go skype.
I need to focus on this playlist.
Xx Tay
Skype Conversation
Sunday 16 September, 11:21pm
Violetta Byrne: She’s left the room, right?
Isolde Byrne: In the shower.
Violetta Byrne: ARRGH. I WANT TO KILL HER!!!!
Isolde Byrne: Welcome to my daily reality.
Violetta Byrne: You know I found a grey hair yesterday. The hairdresser said it’s a one-off, but I KNOW it’s the stress of the daily battles with Mumzilla over the guest list. She and Dad are helping Jack and me out with a lot of the costs and I’m majorly grateful for that. So it’s only fair they get to invite a bunch of their friends. But I swear, every single day, I get a WhatsApp message saying, SO, I SPOKE TO MY COUSIN’S SISTER-IN-LAW’S DAUGHTER, AND I’D FEEL BAD IF WE DIDN’T SEND AN INVITATION OUT OF POLITENESS. My ‘out-of-politeness’ invite list is fifty-seven people. That’s on top of the eighty-five-person non-negotiable invite list. What if ALL OF THESE PEOPLE SAY YES?
Isolde Byrne: They won’t. It’s a destination wedding. They’ll have to cough up for flights, accommodation, hire cars . . .
Violetta Byrne: And I feel really guilty about that. That’s why I just wanted immediate family and a few friends. Maybe Jack and I should just elope.
Isolde Byrne: DO NOT DENY ME THE JOY OF SEEING YOU IN A WEDDING DRESS.
Violetta Byrne: Or do something uber-casual. That way I save myself nine months of fights with Mum over table linen and wedding-cake toppers. You know, I saw this couple on the Morning Show the other day who got married in Bunnings. They had a sausage sizzle.
Isolde Byrne: You’d destroy Mum.
Violetta Byrne: Right?
Isolde Byrne: Crap, speaking of Mumzilla, she’s out of the shower and heading this way . . . Uh-oh, she’s banging on my door and asking if I’m still talking with you.
Violetta Byrne: Don’t open the door!
Isolde Byrne: Sorry, Vi. You know Dad transferred the deposit for the venue this afternoon, right? Eloping’s not going to happen.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday 17 September, 2:03am
Subject: The Ultimate Rage Room playlist
Great title, hey? :)
I could have kept adding to the playlist all night, as there is A LOT OF MATERIAL OUT THERE (heartbreak and infidelity having inspired songwriters for eons – T. Swift, you’re not the first ;)), but I wanted to get it done ASAP, so you’d have this thing by morning.
I would have loved Dad’s help with it – as we both know, he’s the master of putting together playlists and always comes up with the most obscure-but-on-point songs – but it’s 2:03am here.
I better head to bed as well, Goldie. That said, if you’re awake to get this (aka you’re tossing and turning over there in Mosman, too angry to sleep) and you need to talk, you can call me. I think it’s only midnight your time right now?
I’ll keep my phone on just in case.
Xx Tay
Ultimate Rage Room
Caught Out There Kelis
Breakin’ Dishes Rihanna
Fighter Christina Aguilera
I Miss the Misery Halestorm
Never Again Kelly Clarkson
Emergency Paramore
Bad Blood Taylor Swift
Survivor Destiny’s Child
Thnks fr th Mmrs Fall Out Boy
Gives You Hell The All-American Rejects
Mr Brightside The Killers
Cry Me a River Justin Timberlake
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday 17 September, 8:29pm
Subject: RE: The Ultimate Rage Room playlist
I feel like this email could be titled ‘You Are My Saviour (Part 2)’ because for real, Tay, you stayed up till 2:03am to finish my playlist?
I want to say, You shouldn’t have, but that would be a lie because when I woke up this morning, the memory of yesterday’s text-rampage rose like a tidal wave of Oh my God, I’m humiliated and Why the hell did I do that?, and I pretty much decided I was going to pull the covers back over my head and call the whole week off.
And then my email pinged, and it was from you.
So I lay there and listened to ‘Survivor’ and thought, What would Beyoncé do? and I knew she wouldn’t hide under a quilt because of some cheating jerk.
In short – the playlist was what got me out of bed today.
I owe you big time.
X Goldie
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday 18 September, 9:06pm
Subject: Give yourself a break, Goldie
So you sent a few texts. It’s not like you pulled a Left-Eye by burning down Mr Imbecile’s house. You know that nineties girl group TLC? Well, Left Eye Lopes actually DID THAT to her ex.
You’ve always been too hard on yourself.
X Tay
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday 19 September, 8:14pm
Subject: I know
Thinking over the last few days makes me disgusted with myself. Going on about how I can’t get out of bed because of some ‘tsunami’ of shame, like my stupid little breakup is the worst thing that’s ever happened to anyone.
Self-indulgent, much?
The Long Distance Playlist Page 5