“It’s awkward as fuck, I know.” Madden cleared his throat. “Let’s just clear the air, okay? I’m not mad at you. I, better than anyone in the world, know what my son did and what he was risking. He followed in my footsteps. I just want you to know that you shouldn’t feel guilty, okay?”
His son had done some commendable things in his short life span.
I’d been witness to some of them over the last year of life.
I’d read about the others in the short newspaper article that’d been written up about him.
Even more, I hated that I would miss this kid for the rest of my life.
The day that Jasper had been killed, I couldn’t remember.
Apparently, I’d literally been on my death bed.
I had no memory of Mavis getting me to the hospital on her own. I had no memory of the first week, honestly.
One day, I’d woken up, and I’d had a new lease on life thanks to the death of Jasper.
That had been explained to me by a nurse. At least the full story of it, anyway.
I knew, on a visceral level, that Jasper had been wherever I’d been with me.
I knew that he was in a place that nobody could understand, and that he was in a much better place.
If anyone knew, it was me.
“I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to force myself not to feel guilty,” I admitted. “Not when I’ll be seeing you, and be reminded of it, on a daily basis.”
I did and always would. There was no doubt in my mind.
It wouldn’t matter what he said, to be honest. I would continue to feel guilty because he’d literally had his son taken from him, while I had my life given back to me.
How was that fair?
“You can say that I shouldn’t feel guilty all you want…” I hesitated, and Madden chuckled. “I don’t even have the words, man.”
And I didn’t.
I’d been thinking a lot lately about how lucky I was to find a heart, and how unlucky that I was to find a heart that belonged to someone that not only had I known, but I’d counted as a friend.
I’d miss Jasper.
I’d miss him even more now that I knew what he’d left me behind.
“I don’t think that you need the words. I can tell, just looking at you, that you’re just as broken as I am about it. Now,” he cleared his throat. “I hear you need a ride home?”
“Actually,” I hesitated, not sure how to say it, but deciding that I needed to say it anyway. “I need to go to the gym and find my wife. I want to see her…it’s been a long few weeks.”
Madden’s lips twitched. “I’m glad she found you, man.”
I tilted my head. “You never really had feelings for her, did you?”
“Did I find her beautiful? Yes. Did I want to date her? Sure. Did I want to spend the rest of my life with her?” He hesitated. “There are things about me that not even my own kids know. Knew.” He swallowed hard. “They were too young to know but…I’m really fucked up. I just don’t think that I’ll ever be able to be a normal person that has normal relationships.”
I had a feeling that I would hurt him if I pushed that line of thought. So instead of continuing to question him, I said, “I’m glad that you left her for me, then.”
Madden’s eyes lost that darkness for a few long seconds as he said, “And I’m sorry, but delivering a baby like you did is beyond my scope of heroicness. You did good, man.”
I rolled my eyes. “I did what I had to. And you would have, too.” I paused. “I’m never going to bring it up again unless you do, but thank you. Thank you, even though you’re not really the one to thank.”
Madden’s eyes filled with understanding. “I miss my kid. But I’m glad that you’re here.”
Together we walked out of the hospital.
Me with the heart of his son beating away in my chest. Him with his heart proverbially ripped out now that his son was gone.
CHAPTER 25
What size jeans do you wear?
Jeggings.
-Mavis to Murphy
MAVIS
“Damn, baby. You have a really nice snatch.”
At hearing those words, I couldn’t stop the reaction that poured out of me.
Dropping the bar in the middle of my set—resulting in a no rep—I turned around and ran at the man that held my heart.
He’d been isolated in the hospital since his surgery due first to the blood clot in his brain, then to an infection in the surgical site.
Then there was a setback on his heart, and there was a moment in time that we feared that he might reject the heart.
Which led to now.
I hadn’t been aware that he was being let out of the hospital.
I also hadn’t been aware that he’d be stopping by during a workout seeing as he’d been trying very, very hard not to admit that he’d gotten one of his good friend’s hearts.
A heart of a person that meant a lot to him.
Slowing before I bowled him over, I curved my arms oh, so carefully around Murphy’s middle, and settled my head to the left of his chest.
It was still sore.
It was six weeks after his transplant, and he was just now getting to the point where he could walk around for any amount of time.
And apparently, he was using that ‘little amount of time’ right then, visiting me during a workout. Likely straight out of the hospital.
“How did you get here?” I cried.
Why was I crying?
I didn’t know.
I guessed it was likely due to the fact that I’d never thought I’d see him again here. That the last time I saw him here would be his last.
But he was here, and I was over the freakin’ moon.
“I caught a ride,” Murphy paused. “Madden came to get me.”
I blinked, surprised, and leaned back until I could see Murphy’s face.
“What?” I asked.
He patted me on the ass. “Finish your workout. Then we can go and talk all you want. At home. In our own bed.”
I swallowed hard.
Then let go of him, even though there wasn’t a single piece of me that wanted to finish my workout.
Hell, I hadn’t even wanted to be here in the first place.
This place just wasn’t the same anymore.
And it had everything to do with losing Jasper, and almost losing Murphy.
It was just really hard for me to find joy in this place any longer.
At least, that was likely only a small part of it.
I was depressed.
The last six weeks had physically drained me.
I’d started back to work—after a very large reprimand from my superior and a promise that if I ever did that again, I would be immediately fired—and spent my time worrying about Murphy. At the hospital with Murphy. At home with Vlad who was still rather annoyed with anything that came at my hand.
Or, on the off chance that it was possible seeing as I now suffered with insomnia, slept.
But that was pretty rare at this point.
That’d been why I’d come back to the gym today.
I was desperate.
I wanted a nap.
I wanted to be able to sleep for at least four hours.
I…I wanted a break.
“Go, before you run out of time on this set,” Murphy urged.
I reluctantly pulled away from him all the way and turned around to my bar.
I had to get three snatches in thirty seconds at a pretty decent weight.
I’d rather lie down on the ground and close my eyes and sleep.
But when Murphy sat down on the stack of forty-five pound weights that were stacked up in the middle of the room—definitely not for my use—and watched me with avid eyes, I found myself pulling energy out of some place inside of me that I hadn’t been aware I stored—or had any left to use.
“Go,” he urged.
I set my feet and started my lifts all over again, finding myself blushing at
the intensity of his eyes.
He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, and watched with avid fascination.
“You’re hands need to be just a tad wider,” he said when I finished my last set.
I rolled my eyes, then burst out laughing, catching the attention of our coach for today.
He was new, too.
He was about Murphy and Madden’s age and looked like he had seen a hard life.
Apparently, according to Fran who had the inside scoop, Haggard Beauregard went way back with both Taos and Madden.
Though where Taos and Madden went police when they got old enough, Haggard had gone…not police.
He’d gotten into a little bit of trouble with the law, straightened himself out, then joined a motorcycle club around the age of twenty-two.
From there, though they stayed in touch, they didn’t continue to be best friends like Taos and Madden did.
Then Sophia, Madden’s daughter, came home with a little girl who turned out to be her best friend over the next couple of years. And it was found out that Clementine, Sophia’s best friend, happened to have Haggard as a father. Though, Haggard didn’t have full custody of his kid. Only partial custody.
Over the years, as Clementine and Sophia’s friendship grew, Haggard was slowly pulled back into the fold.
Now, Haggard was working at the gym—at least during a few classes of the day—to help Madden and Taos until things settled down.
I still didn’t know what Haggard did.
I knew that whatever it was, he was pretty secretive about it because not even Taos knew.
I did know he was still in a motorcycle club, and Sophia had a crush on him.
“What are your eyes doing that weird back and forth thing for?” Murphy asked.
I blinked, surprised to find that I was staring at Sophia across the room.
Johan, Soren’s brother, was in the gym working out with us as well, and he was, apparently, Sophia’s last crush.
That crush was now out the window, because Sophia, with the two options in the room with her, chose the bigger and badder of the two.
“You know, during a CrossFit workout is the only time a woman can hear ‘nice snatch’ and it not be offensive.”
I blinked, surprised to find my sister there when she was supposed to be watching my kid.
And no kid in sight.
“Where’s Vlad?” I asked.
Fran jerked her head toward the office where I could see Taos working with the door closed.
“In there,” she said. “I left him with my phone and Taos. Between the two things, he should stay out of trouble mostly. I just wanted to come watch. Heard what was said from across the room, and thought I’d put my two cents in. Oh, and tell you that our grandmother is coming to dinner at our house tomorrow, and you’re required to be there, so I don’t kill her.”
I blinked.
“I have to work tomorrow,” I replied immediately.
I didn’t have to work tomorrow, and she knew it. I’d just come off of a triple twelve-hour shift. She’d kept my own kid for me for all thirty-six of those hours.
At this point, Vlad was just as much her kid as he was mine.
“Why is she coming over?” Murphy asked curiously.
“I at least invited her over to my house.” Fran ignored the question.
“Fran,” I said through clenched teeth.
Geez, but I seriously couldn’t stand my grandmother.
In all this time, she hadn’t once called to check on me.
“Get your last set done and I’ll explain,” Fran promised.
I sighed and loaded another five pounds onto the bar, then did as instructed, making sure to fix the things that Murphy pointed out were wrong—at least I tried anyway—as I did.
When I was done, and we were cleaning up the weights, Fran sat down on the pile of weights without helping and explained.
“So Vlad and I were doing some errands today,” she started. “And I ran into our grandmother at the hospital. She was there on her foundation business or whatever, so it looked really, really bad when we rolled up in there and Vlad had not the first fuckin’ clue who she was in front of her board members.”
I snorted, but ultimately didn’t say a word.
“Then it got awkward as hell because one of the board members brought up the fact that your husband was in the hospital for open heart surgery, and she didn’t even know.” She paused, scrunching up her nose in pain. “So I made a snarky comment, and then she got this look in her eye. You know how we let it slip that one time who Vlad’s father was? Well, Grandmother knew who was just transferred back to our hospital, because that’d been who they were going to see. The sperm donor is now in the burn center she funds in what she calls ‘her ward.’ Her words, not mine. And I just knew that she was about to announce to the world who Vlad’s real father was, and so I all but lost my shit on her, and the price we have to pay is that now she’s coming over to dinner. You’re supposed to be there. And if your husband can make it, all the better.”
“Does she know who her husband is?” Murphy drawled, sounding amused.
Fran shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“And what do you mean Vlad’s father is in ‘her ward?’” Murphy asked curiously.
I winced.
Though Bayne was a big deal to everyone else—a country music superstar being in our town, let alone hurt in our town and now recuperating here—was a big deal. He wasn’t a big deal to me like Murphy.
Had it crossed my mind that my grandmother would hear about Bayne being here and capitalize on that? No. Did it surprise me? Not in the least.
I gritted my teeth and walked away with my barbell to put it in the rack.
When I came back, Murphy and Fran were discussing Bayne’s transfer to the burn unit in our hospital after being in a Dallas trauma center for the last six weeks.
“That explains all the damn paparazzi I saw as I was leaving,” Murphy shook his head. “Madden and I had to do some evasive maneuvers to get out of there.”
“You’re probably a pretty hot topic right now yourself,” I admitted. “You’re the recipient of the heart from the man that saved Bayne Green’s life, too. Bayne is really fucked up, but at least he’s not dead like he could be. You weren’t the only person Jasper saved that day.”
Murphy looked down at his hands.
I looked away, saddened yet again by the person that had to sacrifice their life to save my husband’s.
And, of course, my gaze landed on the father of that person.
As if sensing my gaze, Madden looked over at Murphy, and a wave of sadness rolled over his face.
Taos came out of the office with Vlad in his arms, and nearly ran Soren down.
Vlad, though, had his eyes set on a certain someone. A certain someone that he hadn’t seen in a while, but always seemed to know when he was around. Like Murphy Radar.
Taos put Vlad down and Vlad was off, getting to Murphy as fast as his chubby little legs would take him.
Murphy, over the conversation with Fran about my grandmother, looked to see the shrieking little devil on his way to him.
The smile that lit their faces made my mama heart happy.
Vlad may not be Murphy’s flesh and bone, but it didn’t matter. Vlad would always be Murphy’s to protect.
The two of them reached each other, and I had to fight the urge to tell Murphy not to pick Vlad up.
Luckily, though, Vlad did most of the work, climbing up by hauling himself upward using Murphy’s knees where he was still sitting on the stack of weights.
I grinned at them and looked away once again when Soren and Taos joined us, all of them grinning.
When I once again looked at Madden, it was to see such a look of despair, and a little bit of hatred, that it caused me to move.
I lost my grin in an instant and stepped in front of Murphy, as if that would help, and stared Madden down.
Murphy, oblivious to the move, cont
inued to talk to Taos and Soren as if he’d only been gone a week, not four months now.
With Murphy occupied with the two men, I slipped away and headed in Madden’s direction.
Madden who was now looking at his feet with a look of such sorrow that I wanted to wrap him up in my arms.
“Do you want us to leave?” I asked softly. “Because I will. I’ll take Murphy and go. And never come back.”
Madden swallowed.
“He’s the only connection I have left to my son,” he whispered gruffly, finally looking up and allowing me to see his eyes. “I don’t want either of you to leave. It just…hurt. Still hurts.” He paused. “But Murphy and I spoke. I don’t want him to ever feel guilty about whose heart saved his life, because I don’t. But I’m going to need a little more time controlling my expressions and the sadness. I just…time.”
I deflated slightly. “I’m sorry, Madden.”
I was.
Because Jasper died.
Jasper died, and Murphy lived.
I loved Jasper.
Everyone had loved Jasper.
He’d been the life of the party.
He’d been the one guy in the gym who could always make you laugh, no matter what.
To have him no longer here felt like a solid kick to the gut.
The bad thing was, I’d prayed for Murphy to find a heart.
I’d prayed and prayed and prayed for him to live.
I’d literally wished Jasper’s life away.
I’d hurt a family that I loved.
Because, you couldn’t just get a heart from someone and expect them to live.
Someone else had to die for you to get that heart.
And I’d known it.
“For what it’s worth,” I said softly, “I’ll cherish Murphy for the rest of my life.” I swallowed hard. “And I’ll forever be thankful to you for giving me Murphy back.”
Because Jasper hadn’t been an organ donor.
Madden had made that difficult decision on his own.
Something else that I’d learned about “that night’—‘that night’ being one of the worst nights of my life—from Fran a few days later.
Madden’s eyes returned to me, having once again slipped over my shoulder to focus on the man at my back. My man.
“You’re a good woman, Mavis Romano. Always remember that.”
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