The problem was that both of those voices were part of my very own brain, and I agreed with both of their sentiments. Irrespective of the noble intentions I’d had by not telling Tristin what Selena had done earlier, it hadn’t been the smartest move. If I’d just come right out and told him, things might’ve happened very differently for us this time.
He insisted that she didn’t have the hold on him I believed her to have, and that the world she advocated for, belonged to, and had raised him into didn’t mean a thing to him. A part of me still believed that he believed all that. If that was true and that part was correct, it would mean that I hadn’t been stupid to give him another chance, because the only thing truly standing between us would be insignificant to him.
But the only way of knowing whether that part was correct would’ve been to have told him what Selena had done and to see how he’d have gone forward with that knowledge. I was the one who had taken that option away from us. Now, I would never know, and I only had myself to blame—which was the other thing the snarky bitch inside was calling me stupid about.
Even if the hopeless romantic argued that withholding the information had been the right thing to do. Whichever way I looked at it, mistakes had been made by the both of us. Mistakes that had ripped us apart from the inside out.
Selena, Faye, and the paparazzi wouldn’t have stood a chance against us if we’d really been a united front, and that was what killed me the most about it all. We should’ve been a united front. There hadn’t been a reason for us each to have been going at things by ourselves, but we had been.
I’d been holding myself back from him because of the seeds Selena had planted so many years ago, and he’d been dealing with her latest schemes on his own. Together, we would’ve been able to overcome it all. I was sure of it. Yet here we were, further apart than ever before, and if he was feeling even a fraction of what I was, we’d both gotten knocked down further than ever because of it.
It hadn’t even been a week yet, but it felt like so much longer. When every day seemed to take three years to pass, almost a week felt like a decade.
Lou had been a trouper so far, the only bright spot in the clusterfuck that my life had become. People recognized me from those pictures in the gossip pages sometimes, which made the whole situation seem that much worse. The side-eyed glances, the whispering, and the continued interest about the “love triangle” was driving me nuts.
The only reason my head was still above water was Lou. He kept me going, made me smile, and while I knew he was confused about what had happened, he didn’t ask too many questions. At this point in time, he was the only reason why I was dressed and about to head out the door, my keys in hand as I called for him over my shoulder.
“You ready to go? We have to be there in fifteen.”
“I’m coming,” he grumbled, then appeared from around the corner with his backpack hiked up over one shoulder. His grip was tight on the strap, his features resigned.
“It’s just the public library. You don’t need to look like I’m marching you off to jail. The summer reading program will be fun, I promise.”
“I’m not really interested in books,” he mumbled, offering the same excuse he had been for the last two days in an attempt to get out of it. “Are you sure I can’t go to American Aviation instead? Tristin promised he’d take me through everything.”
“I know he did, and I’m sure he’ll still do it, but not today, okay?” My heart gave that same pang it always did when Tristin’s name came up. “Just give the reading program a chance. A lot of the others from school will be there, and the books on the list are really great ones.”
“I’d rather be out in the world, learning by doing,” he reiterated, just in case I hadn’t been clear on it before.
“You’ll do that too,” I promised. “Plus, we’re having a pizza party after, remember? Isn’t that worth at least trying to get into it?”
He perked up a little, soft brown eyes suddenly sparking to life as he offered me a small smile. “I love pizza. Will I really get to do both? Do you think Tristin will still let me visit his offices?”
The smile had melted away again, and I silently counted to ten to gain control of my emotions before I responded. Lou had had too much to deal with in his short life already. I wouldn’t let him see how close I was to tears every time a certain name came up.
I raked my fingers through his red hair, giving him a hug from the side on his way out the door. “He’ll make good on his promise to take you. We just have to give him some time, that’s all.”
Please don’t turn me into a liar, Tristin Ramsey. You’re better than that. Lou simply nodded, but he didn’t seem convinced that I was telling the truth either.
When we got to the library, something deep inside my soul eased when I breathed in the rich, musty smell of the worlds that existed between all these pages. Small motes of dust drifted in the air, shining under the light streaming in from the stained-glass windows situated high up on the triple-volume walls.
E-readers were great and all—they certainly made it much easier to just be able to click a button and get a whole new book delivered without even having to leave the couch—but there simply wasn’t the same satisfaction in watching pages turn on a screen. To me, there was nothing quite like cracking open the spine of a real book, of holding it in my hands and feeling the anticipation pooling inside me for the journey I was about to embark on while feeling the weight of a book in my lap.
Lou flicked a gaze around the interior of the old building, and it occurred to me that he might never have been here before. He seemed mildly wary, but the air of boredom and resignation had suddenly lifted from him when we’d walked in.
There was a certain magic to watching a child discover something they might grow to love, and I was here for it. For all of it. Even if he never got into reading, I’d keep trying until I found things that did interest him. Despite everything that had gone down between me and Tristin, I would forever be grateful for the part he played in helping me with Lou.
After I got him settled with the librarian and the small group of other kids here to find out what the reading program was all about, I retreated to give him some space. Walking backward, I was smiling at the way they all greeted him and moved over to give him somewhere to sit when I smacked into something hard behind me.
Whirling around, I was confronted by a trim chest in a plaid shirt I’d recognize anywhere. My eyes jerked up, and sure enough, I found myself looking into the amused face of my ex. I’d literally run into Beckett James.
“I’m so sorry,” I said as loudly as I dared without getting in trouble. “I didn’t realize there was anyone behind me.”
“Obviously.” He chuckled, straightening out his already perfectly straight shirt. His gaze moved from mine to glance over my shoulder. “I’ve heard about the situation with Lou and that you’re keeping him now. How’s that been going for you?”
“It’s been an adjustment, but we’re getting there,” I replied honestly.
There was no point in being anything less than straight with him. As the principal of the school Lou attended, he’d have access to all kinds of reports and paperwork from the social worker and the school’s guidance counselor. Heck, he might even have been asked to participate in the process.
His dark gaze lingered on Lou for a moment, and a smile I wouldn’t have expected appeared on his lips. “It’s very noble what you’re doing. There’s already something much more settled about him, but a boy needs a male role model in his life. Is Tristin still helping you?”
Fuckety fuck fuck. He was the last person I wanted to talk to about this, but again, he’d find out sooner or later anyway. “Tristin and I are no longer seeing one another.”
“Is that so?” His nostrils flared in surprise, but then he reached out to place his hand gently on my arm. “That’s too bad.”
A shudder traveled through me at his touch, but it wasn’t a good one. I hadn’t forgotten how he�
�d treated me, and frankly, it still disgusted me when I thought about the things we’d done together regardless of what an ass he’d been.
His fingertips trailed up and down my skin, giving me the willies as he fixed his gaze on mine. “You know, Brittany, I still have feelings for you, and I’d be a suitable role model for Lou. You should consider getting back together with me. I might even be able to help your case with social services.”
I took a small step back, just enough to dislodge his hand from my arm without having to physically remove it. “I appreciate the offer, but I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now. I’m focusing on Lou and his transition.”
He dipped his head into a nod, raising his hands as he took a step back himself. “I understand, but I’ll be around if you change your mind. You two have a good day. I need to check in with the head librarian about some of the books we loaned them while our library is being renovated, but I meant what I said. If you need me, I’ll be around.”
“Thank you, Beckett,” I said sincerely, feeling like we’d finally turned a corner from the ugly path things had been on between us after the breakup. “I truly appreciate it.”
He nodded and came in for a hug, which ended with me awkwardly patting his back as he brushed a kiss to my cheek. Being back in his arms for the first time, I wondered if I might feel anything that would remind me of why I’d ever agreed to go out with him in the first place, but I felt nothing.
Not even the faintest spark when his lips brushed against my skin or his arms tightened momentarily around me. The fact of the matter was that he wasn’t Tristin, and as much as I hated it right now, he was the only man who’d ever really lit my fire. Now that I’d felt not only a spark again, but the raging inferno he stoked inside me with the barest touch of his fingers against mine or even just by looking at me a certain way, I was more sure than ever that there had never been anyone else for me.
Beckett released me and strode toward the office without a backward glance, and as I watched him walk away, I knew I’d never take him up on his offer. It might make things easier with Lou in every respect, but just because it would’ve been easier wouldn’t make it right.
Not when I missed Tristin like crazy, with every beat of my heart and every fiber of my being. The longer we were apart, the more I wondered if my being born on a different side of the tracks had really doomed us right from the very beginning.
Selena seemed to think so, but did that make it true? Sometimes I felt like it did with such absolute certainty that I’d be willing to stake my life on it. But at other times—most of the time—the mere concept felt idiotic to me.
Since she wasn’t my mother, I supposed it didn’t matter what I thought anyway. What mattered was how Tristin felt about it and whether he was willing to stand up to her once and for all. If he could just do that, I’d know there could be a real future for us.
But if he didn’t, if he couldn’t, then there had never really been a future for us to begin with.
37
TRISTIN
While I’d stuck to my vow about staying at work, showing up every day, and putting my own stamp on American Aviation in the time I had left here, I was barely able to function. Being physically present in my office and doing what needed to be done didn’t mean that my head was in the game.
All I could think about was Brittany. She still wasn’t returning my calls, and I was starting to realize she wasn’t going to. Staying away from her was beginning to get old—and fast.
She still didn’t even know about the falling-out I’d had with my mother or the fact that I’d threatened to walk away from it all if she didn’t butt the fuck out of my life. We were still at a stalemate, with neither of my parents having made a peep about the showdown we’d had nearly a week ago.
In the meantime, I’d started looking for my own place, and I was pretty close to locking one down. If it had just been me I was looking for, it would have been easy. There was a killer penthouse available right in the center of the action downtown that the realtor had promised me wouldn’t be on the market for long.
I’d be lying to even think that I hadn’t been tempted. As a bachelor pad, I wouldn’t be able to find anything better. It had a bar, a balcony with a view over some of the best bars, a hot tub, a shower the size of a fucking room which was more than big enough to get up to some very interesting things in, and a few other gimmicks that would’ve been fun.
If only I was looking for a bachelor pad, but I wasn’t. On the contrary, I was looking for a family home. Things might’ve gone to complete shit between Brittany and me, but I wasn’t giving up.
The realtor had nearly fallen over backward when I’d told him no on the penthouse. He’d looked at me like I was insane, and then that look had intensified when I’d told him to find me somewhere I could raise my children.
If it hadn’t been for the budget I’d given him, I was pretty sure he’d have demanded my man card on the spot and walked out. But money talked, and he’d reined himself in fast. The very next day, he’d shown me two perfectly respectable options, but the one he’d taken me to the day after had been perfect.
It would be an epic fail if I ended up living there by myself, drifting around the six bedrooms I intended on filling with Lou and any other children Brittany and I might have together. But that wasn’t a reality I was willing to face just yet. Maybe not ever. Who knows?
A soft knock on my office door prompted me to sit up straight and wiggle my mouse so my computer screen would at least come on. Fake it ’til you make it, right?
“Come in,” I called.
Surprise had my brows shooting up and tugging together at the same time when my father’s head popped around the door. Unlike my mother, he didn’t march right in. “You got a minute?”
“Absolutely. Are you okay?” I got to my feet. “You haven’t been back here since your heart attack. What’s happened?”
I felt the blood draining from my face until I realized he looked completely healthy. Better than he’d looked since I’d been back, actually. It was like he was standing up straighter again, his shoulders pulled back and his color back to normal.
“I’m fine,” he said, waving his hand as he walked in. He sank his hands into his pockets and stopped in the center of the room, letting out a low whistle as he looked around. “It’s not as big as I remember it being.”
“What?” I frowned as I walked over to him, putting my hand on his elbow. “Come and have a seat. Should you even be here?”
He chuckled and lifted his arm gently out of my grip, choosing to go over and sit on the arm of one of the couches instead of at his desk. “I’m visiting my son, not reporting for duty. It’s fine that I’m here. The doctors even encouraged it. I have to say, that shrink they made me see for safety’s sake when they told me it would be best to retire was onto something.”
Joining him in the sitting area, I sank down on a couch and crossed my ankle over my knee, keeping my gaze glued to him for any sign of discomfort. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“There was a time when this office was my world,” he said, looking around incredulously again. “In my mind, it was larger than life. The shrink told me that once I’d taken a step back, I’d see it for what it is—just another office. A place to work as opposed to a place to live.”
I lowered my chin, my eyes narrowing as I swept them across his frame. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’re being… weird. You love this place.”
“Used to love this place,” he corrected, then let out a sigh as he kept letting his gaze run over every nook and cranny of his office. “Truth be told, I let it consume me, and I shouldn’t have. When I was in here and that door was closed, I was the king of the world. Or that’s what it felt like, anyway. I let that power go to my head. That feeling of being invincible. Indestructible.”
Another chuckle escaped him before he shook his head. “Then, when I discovered I wasn’t indestructible after all, it wasn’t this place
or that power that kept me alive. It was your mother. It was you. It was the feeling that I had more living to do because I’d let life pass me by while I worked.”
“What are you doing here, Dad?” I asked, realizing he hadn’t just dropped by to get all philosophical on me. “It’s good to see you, but let’s be honest, we’re not exactly at a popping in for a casual chat stage.”
“No, we’re not.” He shut his eyes, a pained expression that almost had me leaping to my feet passing over his features. “Don’t. I’m fine.”
When he opened his eyes again, he focused on me so intently that it felt like he was looking clear through me. “We need to talk.”
“Okay,” I said cautiously. “What would you like to talk about?”
“Your mother’s appalling behavior,” he stated without so much as flinching.
I, on the other hand, couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. The corners of his eyes crinkled on a smile when he saw my expression, but he didn’t acknowledge it in any other way before he carried on.
“I’ve had a talk with her, but I regret not doing it sooner. I should have, and for that, I truly apologize.” He exhaled a deep breath, his eyes brimming with remorse where they remained steadfast on mine. “I was silent for too long, letting her run things the way she saw fit while I concentrated on the business.”
“What are you saying?” I asked after a brief pause.
“What I’m saying is that I should’ve been in your corner, and if I could turn back time, that’s exactly where I would go. However, for all the incredible advancements we’ve made in this very company, we haven’t invented a time machine. Not to my knowledge.”
He laughed a little at his joke, his shoulders moving beneath the impeccable suit that was well on its way to fitting him properly again. I frowned at him, wondering if he was in the middle of some kind of mental break.
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