William nodded. “Of course. I might bring him back down here afterwards though, okay?”
“Sure, I think it’s good for him to see you two together. He needs to know there are good women out there,” Killian agreed.
William grinned, then covered his mouth and lunged for the trash can again.
Killian looked at Penny. “Is this normal? I mean, he’s not the one who’s actually pregnant.”
Smiling, Penny shrugged. “I’d say he’s having sympathetic symptoms. Many men have a few, some never, and some seem to do the whole bit. Even human men have been known to have sympathetic pregnancies.” She gave William a cheerfully wicked grin as she rinsed out the towel he’d used earlier. “I’ve even seen a couple of men go through labor pains with their wives.”
William gave her a horrified look. “Oh, Deity, help me.”
Killian couldn’t help it, he laughed hysterically at the whole situation. William was usually so cheerful and relaxed. It was amusing to see him so rattled.
William punched his arm in disgust, although there was a small smile trying to break onto his face. It took a few minutes for Killian to get himself back together, but he felt better for the happy news and laughter.
§ § § §
Shiloh stared at the closed door of the study for a minute before turning back to Celie. She was tall, and what he figured would be called pleasantly plump. Her face was unlined, although he figured she had to be in her nineties—around middle-age for most Rimalians—and she had clear, sparkling brown eyes. He swallowed nervously. “Hello.”
“Hello, Shiloh.” Her voice was soft and carried a faint accent he couldn’t place, although he figured it didn’t matter. He didn’t know whether he should be angry with Killian or not. “You could be angry with him, but it wouldn’t change the fact that he called me. In all honesty, there’s so much pain and fear swirling off you, I’m surprised he didn’t call sooner.” She held out her hand. “Come Shiloh, share with me what hurts, and we’ll see if we can make it better.”
Shiloh stared at that beckoning hand, with its faint tracery of veins, and then slowly took it. Maybe Killian was right, and he did need a Tii-su’s care. The nightmares only got worse every night.
The first thing he felt was warmth. Not the warmth of Celie’s hand in his, but the warmth of her mind. Then he heard her voice in his mind, asking him to show her everything that had led to his being in Killian’s care. He did, even including his discussion with Kelia. The sense of betrayal he felt that his parents had known about Anan’s past and arranged to marry him to her anyway was what hurt him most, besides the fear the Council would require him to honor the agreement.
Why don’t you want to honor it? Celie asked.
Anan doesn’t really want me; I’m not even a person as far as she’s concerned. I’m something for her convenience, and a means to gain money towards recovering her estate. And…
And…?
I don’t think she’s changed, Celie. I would never be safe or valued. If I had children with her, they would never be safe or valued. If she decided I was inconvenient, she’d put me aside. I think she wouldn’t care if I told her no, either. She certainly didn’t care that Killian told her no.
What of Killian?
What about him?
He’s part of what’s causing you so much pain, Shiloh. Celie’s voice continued to be quiet, soft and accepting, making it easier to accept her intrusive questions.
Shiloh cringed. He didn’t want to talk about that. He felt a brief burst of anger at Celie’s amusement at his reticence; his feelings for Killian were special and not for dissection.
Ah, but the fact remains that you must, if not with me, with someone. Your new love for him is a large part of what’s hurting you, which in turn hurts him.
Why would it hurt him? That was a ridiculous thought.
No, not ridiculous. Killian loves you as well, that is quite evident to me, although I don’t think he realizes it yet. Not in those terms. You are a little more self-aware on some levels. It’s not that he’s an insensitive clod. He’s just been so busy surviving that his emotional growth became a little delayed in some ways. We Tii-su were aware of it, but as long as it wasn’t hurting him, we had no reason to disturb his peace of mind.
He just feels sorry for me, and hates Anan, Celie. That’s all.
No, that’s not all. You’re right, to a point, and he’s a wise one to know and admit it, he does feel sorry for you, and there is still some lingering hatred of Anan. From his point of view, her actions led to the destruction of his life, and he’s not entirely wrong. It’s unfair to place all the blame on her shoulders, however. Anan isn’t responsible for Janet’s actions, after all. But the fact remains, he cares for you, because you’re you. Not just because you’re someone he can save from Anan, or just because he thinks your parents did wrong by you.
Shiloh thought about that for a long while. Let’s say you’re right, there’s a vast difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.
And you’ve fallen in love with a man you don’t think wants you.
Yes.
Let me give you another perspective, Shiloh. Perhaps you have fallen in love with a man who has no clue about any kind of love, other than for his siblings, a few friends, and his lands. Love he doesn’t differentiate. To him it’s all the same, except that he places more value on people than lands or things. Now you enter into the picture, and there’s something new in his heart, but he doesn’t know what it is or what to do with it. He knows it’s possible for people to be in love, because he’s been fortunate to have the example of Natalya and Ignacio, as well as William and Carys, but he doesn’t really understand it.
Celie paused a moment to give him time to digest the information and then continued. Add to all that, the fact that he has given you Sanctuary. He is bound to see to your needs, without taking advantage of you. You’re under his protection, and there you must remain until Kelia deems otherwise. There is also the fact that technically, you are still engaged to Anan, and any kind of romantic relationship between you and anyone else would be inappropriate, unless and until that is ended.
I know.
And that’s a big part of why it hurts, yes?
Yes. Why doesn’t Killian at least say something, though?
Maybe he doesn’t know what to say. He may feel there is no point in bringing up something which will only hurt you both right now. I will tell you in confidence, because it may help you, and will not harm him, that Natalya called me after Killian asked her for a guest room for me. She told me Killian is very innocent in many ways. That he has never been attracted to anyone before, at all. She’s of the opinion that he just operated in a kind of asexuality until he met you. She doesn’t know if he’s gay, straight, bi, or only notices you out everyone on the planet.
How could that happen?
I would guess a large part of it began with Anan’s assault on him. It’s quite common for sexual assault victims to become uninterested in sex for a while. Some only a few months, others, years. It depends on circumstances in many cases. Rape may be about power, but it uses sex to get it, and that creates some serious hang-ups. That is part of why rape is so severely punished in our culture. The victim suffers for a lifetime from it. Natalya thinks that’s how it began, and it became a natural state for him, because there was nothing to change it.
So it’s like he’s ten again and just now noticing boys?
Something like that.
What do I do?
First, you must heal yourself. Your sense of betrayal at your parents’ hands is every bit as important as this, and you can’t hide from one in favor of the other, Shiloh. All your hurts need to be addressed, and I think perhaps you need a little training among the Tii-su. I think your touch-sense has gotten stronger, probably because of age and stress. Sometimes our abilities get stronger as we get older. You’ve felt hunted and hounded for months now, and I think your abilities have grown stronger in
an attempt to help you survive. I’ll begin training you, and we’ll go from there.
What will training do?
It will let you have better control over what you do and do not pick up, so you can maintain normal relationships without too much strain. Even as we’ve talked, I’ve picked up on so many background pieces of knowledge that you’ve picked up over the past few years, things you don’t even know you know, but plague your mind, anyway. You need to be taught to shield yourself from that. Rimalians are very good about avoiding skins without comment, but humans aren’t, and there are times when touch is unavoidable. Would it not be better to shield yourself if you wish?
Oh, I get it. Celie?
Hmm?
Am I judging too harshly? My parents, Anan, everyone?
You have every right to feel as you feel, Shiloh, no matter how others perceive the situation. There are those that wouldn’t understand why you’re upset, and others that would think you’re not mad enough. It is possible you judge your parents a little harshly, but I think it is because you do not accept that your parents may have been fooled by Anan. Anan, I think, hasn’t changed at all, and you do not judge her harshly enough. How we see things often changes with experience and information. Only time will answer that question truly for you. How you feel today, may be different tomorrow.
How long will I have nightmares about Anan killing Killian, or my dogs being butchered by my father, and everything else that has me screaming in my sleep?
I think that as you deal with your fears, the nightmares will fade. They’re your subconscious trying to work out your issues, that’s all. All those nasty little things that have preyed on the back of your mind are coming to the forefront. I can, however, set things up to give you a few nights’ peace. Not a permanent cure, per se, but a few nights actual rest will do you good. Your mind is chasing itself in circles, viciously biting itself and then crying because it doesn’t understand what it did to get hurt. I think we can short-circuit that pattern. Maybe your mind will… uh… reboot itself into a healthier pattern.
How many nights?
Oh, I think three. Then we’ll wait a week and see what happens. Come on, we’ve been at this a while, and we’re both tired. We’ve done enough for now.
How long are you here for?
A few weeks, I should think. Maybe longer. We’ll just have to see. There’s no timetable in healing this kind of pain, Shiloh. And even after I go home, you are welcome to call upon me anytime you feel the need. Now, let’s go take care of young William, he’s throwing up again.
William? He’s sick?
Only sharing his wife’s morning sickness, although I think we’re not supposed to know. But he’s thinking very loudly about it right now.
Shiloh blinked as he found himself aware of physical reality again. He jumped up at the sound of someone being sick outside the study, in the hall. It was a good thing the hall floor was tile…
Chapter 8
Later that day, after they were settled in for the night, Shiloh decided to talk to Killian about some of the nightmares that awakened him every night. Celie had promised him three nights without nightmares, and this seemed to be the best time to talk about them without repeating them when he tried to sleep. Killian was in the study, doing his paperwork, so he went and made their hot chocolate, bringing the mugs to the study.
Killian looked up from his desk and smiled when Shiloh set his mug down beside him. “You seem a little better,” he said.
“I think I do feel a little better. Maybe because Celie promised me no nightmares tonight?” Shiloh mused as he sat on the couch.
“Maybe. There were a few nights where Georges did that for me. Something about giving my mind enough actual rest to look at things rationally,” Killian said as he picked up his mug and stood, crossing the room to sit down beside Shiloh.
Shiloh chuckled a little. “Celie called it a reboot.”
“As good a term as any. What’s on your mind?”
Shiloh took the opening, telling Killian about the nightmares, and how he was feeling about his parents. The only thing he didn’t bring up was how he was falling in love with Killian.
Killian listened quietly, giving in to the urge to hold Shiloh to his side. Holding Shiloh as he slept every night had become an exercise in torture, because his body always reacted to Shiloh’s proximity. He taken to wearing his baggy jeans and longer shirts, leaving them untucked. He’d come to terms with his attraction to Shiloh, although he knew nothing could come of it, at least while he was providing Sanctuary. Earlier, William had taken Shiloh and Penny back to his house, so he could make his wife’s dinner. Killian had used the chance to speak privately with Celie. She hadn’t told him much—he hadn’t expected her to—but she did tell him the two of them should use this time to get to know each other. She also told him to continue taking care of Shiloh as he had been, and that Shiloh and Killian both needed all the TLC they could get.
Once Shiloh had talked himself out, Killian stood. “Come on, let’s go to the couch in the den, it’s more comfortable.” He took Shiloh by the hand and led him to the den and grabbed the blanket he’d taken to leaving on the back of the couch for Shiloh. He sat down and gestured for Shiloh to get comfortable. Shiloh laid down, snuggling close, his head on Killian’s leg as usual. Killian spread the blanket over him and settled back, getting comfortable. Killian stroked Shiloh’s head, sometimes playing with his short braid. Shiloh’s hair fell to his waist in thick waves when it was loose, Killian knew, but he left it in its braid. Killian always let Shiloh sleep as late as he could, since his sleep was often interrupted, and he knew Shiloh would be embarrassed if someone saw him with his hair loose. He smiled as Shiloh’s hand snaked out and found Killian’s own braid, and the end of it was dragged under the blanket where Shiloh could hold it to his face. It wasn’t long before both men were sound asleep.
§ § § §
The day after Celie arrived, Kelia called Shiloh and Killian into the village to meet with her, Anan, and Shiloh’s father, Ewan. When they arrived, she told them she was turning the matter over to the Council for mediation, as well as giving them her recommended course of action. When Ewan questioned why and pointed out he was denied his inheritance until his son married Anan, she informed him that stipulation was one of the reasons she was turning it over to the Council. She told them to go to Rimalia for the Council meeting and the business would be settled then. In the meantime, she forbade them from having any contact with each other. When Anan had smirked, Kelia glared and made sure she wasn’t misunderstood. She didn’t just mean that Anan and Ewan couldn’t contact Shiloh; it also meant that Ewan and Anan couldn’t contact each other. Killian had wondered why that had angered Anan so much; although he had the impression Kelia had been amused.
The following five weeks continued much the same. Shiloh still had days where he didn’t talk much, but those quiet days now lacked the broken, hopeless quality that had so concerned everyone. He gradually began to show his natural, spritely personality. He continued to talk to Celie every day, and occasionally Celie brought Killian into those sessions. Shiloh spent more nights actually sleeping in his room and fewer retreating to the den.
His gradual return to good health showed in the dogs as well; they returned to their usual playful, high-spirited selves. The estate children often took off with the dogs, returning them at dinnertime after having run them ragged. All the children enjoyed the dogs so much Killian wondered why none of his tenants had any. He found out one day while talking to Mary, Carys’ mother, that his own mother had not allowed the tenants to have pets, and they had continued to obey the stricture. Since many of his tenants were there with him and Mary, he told them all to spread it around the estate that if any of them wished to have a few pets, they were quite welcome to do so. He did however draw the line at any of them owning lions, tigers, or bears. With laughing calls of “Oh, my!” he left them to their work, pleased at how happy they were.
Shiloh was of
ten seen in the fields, pestering everyone to teach him what they were doing. It meant there was a little less progress as a result, but Killian turned a blind eye to it, glad to see Shiloh wasn’t so withdrawn all the time. Besides, willingness to learn should always be encouraged.
He and Shiloh spent nights quietly, sometimes just talking, other times playing with Jaden, or speaking with Araminta—who seemed relieved Shiloh seemed much better—and giving into their attraction a little and snuggling on the couch in the den after Jaden went to sleep. Although they never talked about it, they firmly kept their actions to just sitting closely, having separately concluded there was no point in discussing their attraction to each other until the Council had made its decision. Neither mentioned the number of cold showers they both took, either.
Chapter 9
They arrived at Rimalia two days before Council was to meet, partly to spend time with Araminta, partly because Shiloh had never been and Killian thought it would nice to show him around a bit. Shiloh tried to be interested, but he was too worried about what the Council would decide to really be able to focus. Araminta was allowed to come stay with them at the Larrestes house while they were visiting, which offered a welcome distraction. They’d left the dogs with William, and Shiloh had asked Killian to take care of them if the Council made him go with Anan or back to his father’s house, so they couldn’t be held hostage against him. Killian had agreed, mostly to keep Shiloh from worrying. He didn’t like it, but he understood the request.
The day after they arrived, they were informed by messenger that both Anan and Ewan had arrived. That ratcheted Shiloh’s stress level to the point that Killian dragged him into the study and just held him in his lap until Shiloh fell apart again and let it all out. Celie came in and, getting his permission, she used her abilities to soothe Shiloh, quieting him a little. They didn’t sleep much that night.
Killian Page 7