by Becca Barnes
“You sick?” asked Nate.
“Lady parts.”
“La la la.” He stuck his fingers in his ear. “All right. I’m going. You coming, Jake?”
“Actually, Tori offered to make me breakfast. For fixing the dishwasher.”
“Wait. You’re sure you’re not sick?” Nate said to Tori.
“Goodbye.” She threw a dish towel at him.
After he’d left, she bolted the lock and came back into the kitchen.
“A fork?” she said. “Seriously?”
“Fixing your dishwasher?”
“What?” She shrugged. “You’re good with your hands.”
“Were you telling the truth?” I asked. “About the doctor’s appointment?”
“Why?”
“I want to go with you.”
“To the obstetrician?” She picked at her nail. “I don’t know.”
“Please?”
She bit her lip.
“Okay. But it counts as the first date.”
“That’s not fair,” I said.
“Take it or leave it.”
“Take it. But then I get to take you out to lunch afterward. With lots of protein.”
“Fine.”
“Oh. And one more thing that I forgot to do last night.”
“What?”
I wrapped my arms around her and drew her in for a big hug.
“Congratulations. You’re going to have a baby.” I couldn’t be sure, but I was fairly certain she was smiling against my chest.
Fourteen
Tori
Okay, this was not in the plan.
I wasn’t sure exactly when or where this situation had gone off the rails, but it had. Big time.
If I were a betting woman, I’d say it was right around the time I agreed to date the father of my unborn child in exchange for sexual favors.
Or maybe it was when I realized how glad I was when he said he wanted to come to the prenatal checkup.
Either way, it didn’t change the fact that I was now sitting in my obstetrician’s office, wearing a paper gown, feet up in stirrups, trying not to lust after said father of my unborn child while he perused old baby gear catalogs.
“What are you in the mood for for lunch?” he said. “There’s a good Thai place around the corner.”
“Or we could go to your place and have sex,” I said casually.
“Nah. That’s where I keep the rest of my harem of pregnant women.”
“Hmmph. Thai sounds fine.”
The doctor came in, and Jake jumped up to shake her hand.
“So you’re the proud papa,” said Dr. Leyman, flipping through my chart.
“More like an overly-involved sperm donor,” I grumbled.
Dr. Leyman lifted her eyebrows but didn’t say anything.
“Tori and I have a, shall we say, slight disagreement about the role I’ll be playing in her and our baby’s lives,” said Jake.
“Namely?” said Dr. Layman.
“I’m ready to go in front of a pastor right now and marry her, and she wants to continue being friends with benefits.”
“Sounds complicated,” said Dr. Layman.
“Doesn’t need to be.” Jake stared at me, and I felt a blush creeping up my cheeks.
“Would you like me to set up an appointment for you two to meet with a counselor or social worker?” asked Dr. Layman.
“Nope,” I said before Jake had the chance to even open his mouth.
If Jake knew the full story about my past, he wouldn’t be so eager to run down the aisle with me.
No, marriage wasn’t an option for me.
Not to Jake.
Not to anyone.
There wouldn’t be any poofy white dresses or happily-ever-afters in my future.
Not after what I’d done.
“Well, then.” Dr. Layman closed my chart and turned to me. “Are you ready for your exam?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
Fifteen
Jake
I wasn’t prepared for the heartbeat.
Whoosh-whoosh-whoosh.
I probably would have thought it was the sound of a broken hot tub if the doctor hadn’t said, “One-hundred and thirty-five beats per minute. Perfect.”
That was when I lost it.
Tears blurred my vision. My knees locked up, and I tried to speak but couldn’t. I’d been running on nothing but adrenaline and coffee for almost eighteen hours straight. But that wasn’t why I came undone.
I was listening to my child’s heartbeat. Inside the woman I love.
I stumbled backward and sat down.
“Are you okay?” said Dr. Layman.
“He’s fine,” said Tori.
God, she could be annoying. And I wanted more than anything in the world to gather her into my arms then and there and kiss the hell out of her.
And then the doctor turned the screen around to face us. And I realized that I hadn’t even begun to fall apart.
The squiggly, wriggly little bean jumped up and down on the screen, waving its arms. Arms. I could tell it had arms. And legs.
“Tori, he’s beautiful,” I whispered. “Or...or she.”
“Do you guys want to know the gender today?” asked Dr. Layman.
“Wait. I thought it was too early,” said Tori.
“Sometimes. It depends on the position and whether we can get a clear shot. I wouldn’t run out and decorate your nursery yet, but I’m pretty certain on this one. Your baby’s not shy.”
Tori turned to me. “Well?”
“It’s your decision,” I said, walking back over to her side. All the while, in my head, chanting, Please say you want to know. Please say you want to know.
“I want to know.” She wrinkled her nose. “I think I’ve had enough surprises for an entire nine months.”
“All right. Say hello to your”—the doctor punched a button and a snapshot printed out below the monitor—“beautiful, healthy daughter.”
Daughter.
I bit my fist to hold back the sob that wanted to escape. But when I looked down at Tori, tears were streaming down her cheeks.
I held her hand without saying a word. The doctor had launched into an explanation of different parts and measurements, but I didn’t hear a word she said.
I couldn’t stop looking at our daughter.
“We made that,” I whispered.
* * *
“Where to next?” I polished off the last of my Tom Kha Kai and wiped my napkin across my chin.
“Umm, I’m headed home,” said Tori. “I assume you’re going to go to work.”
“What are you talking about? The date’s only getting started.”
“Excuse me?” she said. “It was my choice. And I chose an invasive examination of my lady bits followed by a high-protein lunch. Mission accomplished.”
“Well, I took the entire day off, so too bad.”
“You’re welcome to come back to my place.” She waggled her eyebrows at me.
“Nice try. Unless you want to nap and snuggle.”
“Is that code for Netflix and chill?”
“Nope.”
“Hard pass.”
“I’m serious,” I said. “Anything you want to do.”
“Well, in that case, horseback riding followed by some skydiving, it is.”
“Sounds great. If by horseback riding, you mean light to moderate exercise. And by skydiving, you mean ample hydration and plenty of rest.”
“I hate you.”
“If you think I’m being overprotective, just wait until you tell your brother. He’s gonna…”
My voice trailed off, and we both gulped.
And there it was. The massive Nate-sized wall shot up between us.
“When are you going to tell him?” I asked.
“I guess, ‘some point in the next five to six months,’ is my only option.”
“A better question might be, ‘how are you going to tell him?’”
“M
aybe you should tell him,” she said.
“Me?”
“Yeah.”
“Tori, if I tell him, I’ll have to tell him the truth.”
“No, no, no, no. I meant the cover story. The insemination.” She chewed on her lip so hard I worried she might bite a hole right through. “Ooh! We could say it’s your sperm. That I talked you into it.”
“It was my sperm.”
“Yeah. He would wig out at even that, though,” she said, ignoring me. “Shit kickers. There really is no way this can end well, is there?”
She continued to gnaw on her lip, and I realized she might draw blood if she kept at it.
“Hey.” I squeezed her knee under the table. “There’s no reason to worry about it right now. Can I see the pictures again?”
“Yes.” A smile broke through as she pulled out the photo strip. Then she took the bottom ultrasound shot and carefully tore it off. “Here. Yours to keep.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
I gazed at it for a minute.
So. Beautiful.
Then I tucked it in my wallet. Ironically, right next to the slot where I used to carry condoms for our hookups.
Tori stifled a yawn and propped her chin on the table, barely able to keep her eyes open.
“All right,” I said. “I know what we’re going to do for the rest of the day.”
“I thought it was my call.”
“I promise you’ll approve.”
Sixteen
Tori
Jake didn’t lie.
I approved.
But I was also a little confused.
“What am I supposed to do?” I asked.
“Nothing. That’s the whole point.”
“But I must have to do something.”
“Nope. It’s a hammock. You lay in it and swing. Or don’t swing. You can nap. Or don’t nap. Your choice.”
“Huh.” I adjusted the pillow. “So basically just relax?”
“And don’t fall out.”
Although even if I did fall out, he’d hung mine so low that I was barely a foot or two off the ground. He was up higher, parallel to me. I didn’t recognize the wooded land where we’d driven, an hour north of the city, but I wondered if it was Crainfield property.
The air smelled of fresh-cut grass and early summer honeysuckle. The sun shone warm on us with a light breeze blowing out of the south. Even with the mid-afternoon sunshine, though, Jake had grabbed a blanket for me in case I got cold.
Jasper...or maybe Mr. Snuffles...had been sleeping, nestled by my side, a rolled up ball of fluffy fur. I’d brought his leash and lead to attach to the tree if he needed to run around and play, but he seemed content snoozing so far.
“What if I need to pee?” I said. It wasn’t so much a question as an eventuality.
“There’s a roll of biodegradable paper in the truck. And a shovel.”
“Lovely.”
“You’re the one who wanted to go on an adventure.”
“Liar.” I threw my pillow at him. After leaning my head back, though, I realized why he’d brought it for me. “Can I have my pillow back?”
“Say please.”
“Please,” I growled.
He hopped up and tucked the pillow under my head, smoothing my hair back as he did so.
“Comfy?” he said.
“Very.”
“Good.” He started to bend down, and for a second, I thought he was going to kiss me. Not a passionate kiss. But I could picture him planting a gentle kiss on my forehead.
Instead, he tugged on the hammock line as if to check it for stability. As if he hadn’t done that ten times already.
Then he got back in his own hammock and propped his baseball cap over his face.
I could get used to this.
The thought popped up, just as it had this morning. And at the doctor’s office. And again at lunch and on the drive out here.
Being with Jake was easy. Even with the weirdness of our current circumstances, it felt effortless to be with him.
Part of me had been hoping that it would feel awkward now that he knew that I was pregnant. That it would be obvious to both of us that our attraction had evaporated now that it couldn’t be the carefree, commitment-free, simple arrangement that we’d had for so long.
But if anything, it was the opposite. It felt more normal now.
As I drifted off to sleep, I stared up at the ropes that held me aloft. The strings that kept me from falling.
Oh, how I wished that I could see relationship strings the same way. But they weren’t. They were more like the silky, sticky spider webs hidden in the branches of the trees above, waiting to trap their prey.
Relationship strings always came with complications and consequences.
I knew that better than most.
That feeling of normalcy...that was dangerous.
And I was a fool to try to convince myself otherwise.
* * *
It was almost midnight when Jake dropped me off at my apartment.
“Do you want to come in?” I gestured behind me. I’d spent most of the day napping and was now wide awake.
“Nope.” He grinned. “Nice try.”
“It was worth a shot,” I said.
“Good night, Tori.”
“Wait,” I said as he turned to go. “So this was our first official date, right?”
“Yeah. I guess it was.” He shrugged. “Don’t most men get to see an ultrasound of their love child on their first date?”
“Can I have a good night kiss at the door then?” I batted my eyelashes. “Nothing more.”
“I suppose so.” He moved toward me, but he squinted like he sensed a trap.
Probably because it was one.
I didn’t pounce on him. Oh, no, no. He would have seen that coming twenty yards away. I let the kiss start off innocently enough. A chaste peck with my hands resting square on his shoulders--tempting and sweet.
Then I let my hands drift.
Slowly. Carefully. So I wouldn’t set off any of his defenses.
I drew my palms down the sculpted muscles of his torso, coming to a rest on his hips.
Then I totally cheated.
I pressed my newly swollen breasts against his chest. His breath hitched in his throat as the slight curve of my baby bump met his chiseled six-pack. Jake let out a muttered swear and tangled his fingers into my hair, drawing me tighter against him as the kiss turned into something more.
Something passionate.
Something needy and demanding and deep.
And something...something I couldn’t put my finger on.
But whatever it was, I craved it.
I wrapped my leg around him, and his hands drifted down to my ass. He curled his fingers into my haunches, lifting me against his hardness. I gasped as he snatched my mouth back up with hungry lips. Any pretense of a sweet good night kiss was long gone.
I may have been the one to light the match under this kindling, but we both got caught in the fire.
I grappled at his shirt’s top button with shaky fingers. It had been awhile since we’d done this. I found myself feeling inexplicably shy. As if this really were the first time we’d come together, all fumbling limbs and tentative caresses.
I reached the third button, my confidence back. Or maybe it was just pure, blind lust at that point.
Jake’s kisses drifted from my mouth to my neck, down to the top of my cleavage.
Yep. Blind lust. I gave up on his shirt and went straight for his fly.
Jake froze. He released his grip and started to push me away.
Turdburgers.
I made another lunge, but he held me at bay.
“Shhh,” he said, as if he could feel the rush of roiling blood building within my veins. “Shhh.”
“Jake.” My voice was a whimper.
“No.” His was resolute. “Not tonight, Tori. Not like this.”
He didn’t want me. Maybe it was
one of those “pregnant women aren’t sexy anymore” evolutionary things. Time to go plant your seed in another pot.
He reached around me and opened the door.
“Good night, Tori.”
“One more little—?”
“Good night.”
I walked inside and shut the door behind me, my hand hovering over the deadbolt, hopeful he’d come back tonight, change his mind. But then I snapped the lock closed. He wouldn’t. I knew it.
Impregnate me, sure.
Offer to marry me out of some misplaced sense of honor.
But he wasn’t attracted to me. Not like before.
After I grabbed a quick shower and crawled into bed, my exhaustion came back with a vengeance. As I lay under the covers, I traced my thumb over my lips, still swollen and puffed from earlier.
In vain, I tried to bring back the sensations from our kiss. Feeling sexy, desirable. Even if it were a lie.
All I felt now was alone.
But then I rubbed the tiny, growing bump below my belly button.
My baby.
My daughter.
And I realized I was never alone.
I fell asleep grinning.
Seventeen
Jake
“I’m worried about Tori.”
Not nearly worried enough, I wanted to say to Nate. But of course, I couldn’t. Not yet. Not while she was still keeping our child a secret.
And definitely not while my best friend was holding an axe.
So I nodded and said, “Oh?”
“Yeah. She’s been acting odd lately.” Nate pulled the ax out of the log he’d just whacked in two and tossed the split wood over to the pile where I was stacking them into a neat cord.
“She’s been quiet,” he said. “Just...not herself.”
“Hmm,” I said as noncommittally as possible.
“I don’t know if it’s that she’s mad that I put her on the energy project or what. It started around that time. And then disappearing for weeks on end at the cabin. I told Nana I’m worried about her, and Nana told me to mind my own damn business. Of course.
“Well, your nana is entitled to her opinion.”
“Yeah. I just can’t help but wish that Tori would get serious about something. I thought maybe the renewable energy thing might interest her, but nope. I mean, she’s always been this way, but I thought that by now, in her late twenties, she’d settle down a little. Not that she’s been acting wild. Just...different.”