by Sarah Bailey
I looked up at James.
“Zach might be a heartless piece of shit, but I think Zander was the only person he cared about. At least the way he talked about him made it seem that way. There was only a couple of years between them.”
“I’ve never understood why you don’t call him, Dad.”
I flinched. He didn’t deserve it.
“Why would I call a man who terrorised me as a child that? He’s not been a father to any of us. Fuck, James, he still does it. Uses everything to keep me in line.”
The truth was spilling out and I couldn’t stop it. The need to unburden myself pulsed in my veins. To make James understand everything I’d done was because I cared too fucking much.
“You think I wanted to ruin our relationship with each other? Do you really think I hate you? I don’t. Fuck. You’re my brother. I never wanted any of this, but you have no idea what Zach is capable of. You didn’t suffer the worst of it and you know why that is? Because I protected you. I made sure he took out his shit on me and not on you and the girls. When he realised how much I cared about the three of you, he hurt you to get back at me. Me and her.”
Our mother. She suffered the worst of it. The brunt of his abuse until she died.
James’ eyes widened, but he didn’t speak.
“You want to know the truth? Are you sure you’re prepared for it? I won’t be able to take it back. It can’t be unsaid.”
It had destroyed me, so I knew it would hurt him too. There was one thing I couldn’t tell him. Not yet. But the rest? I’d share it with him if he was willing to listen. Willing to try to understand.
“Tell me,” he whispered.
“You know he beat her? Beat her until she was a bloody mess and couldn’t go out for weeks. You didn’t understand because you were too young, but I did. I saw. He forced me to watch. It only started after you were born. He used to come home in such a rage and he took it out on her. Then he started taking it out on me too. He did it because he thought she loved me more than him. Loved all of us more than him.”
I looked down at my hands, unable to meet his gaze any longer. The memories flooded my mind. His taunts. His fists. The bruises. The blood.
“He beat me so brutally I couldn’t stand to have anyone touch me. Not even Mum. When she cleaned me up afterwards, I’d wince and hiss, trying to get away from her. What type of man does that to his own son? Makes him hate the touch of others?”
I shook my head. A fucked up, worthless piece of shit. That’s what our father was.
“It lessened when I got older, but I still can’t stand anyone touching my back and chest, skin on skin… except Liora. I haven’t told her why I hate it, but I think she knows.”
I sighed, running a hand through my hair. Telling her my own father had beat the crap out of me as a kid was never going to be easy for me. Hell, it was hard enough telling James the truth. I’d never really spoken about it. Not after she died. I kept it all inside where it’d festered, destroying me from the inside out. Twisting me into someone I didn’t recognise any longer.
My need to inflict pain was so intrinsically tied to my father. It was a part of him I carried inside myself. Except what I practised wasn’t abuse. It was about pleasure. It was about testing limits and finding freedom with in it. Pleasure from the good kind of pain. And it was consensual. I might not have had Liora’s agreement the first time I spanked her, but after that, she learnt to trust me not to go too far. I never would. I never lost control with anyone. Going so far as to learn how to whip someone without inflicting lasting damage at BDSM clubs. Practising it safely was important to me.
Zach, on the other hand, got some sick satisfaction from hurting other people. It fed the monster inside him. He relished in it. When he hurt my mother, I could see it in his eyes. How he craved having a person at his feet. At his mercy. He loved the way each bruise formed. Each welt. Each time he hit so hard, she bled for him. I know because he told me.
“After she died, he hurt me worse and then he started hurting the twins and finally, you. It fucking killed me. I was still too young to do anything about it. She made me promise to take the three of you away when I was eighteen and the money she’d left me came through. That’s how I was able to buy this place.”
I finally looked up at him. There was sympathy and compassion in his expression as well as abject horror.
“I had no idea,” he said quietly. “If I’d known…”
“It’s okay. It was better for you to grow up not knowing these things. Not having to take on that burden. I wanted to save you from it. Save you and the twins, but even when I forced Zach to let me take you, he still found a way to hurt me all over again.”
James frowned.
“How did you convince him to let us go?”
“He signed over custody to me after I told him I’d go to social services and tell them about the abuse.”
That wasn’t the whole truth, but the other thing I couldn’t tell him. I had to stay silent until the time was right. It was the only real leverage I had against Zach now.
“What did he do to hurt you?”
“You don’t want to hear this, James. It’ll be too much.”
He shook his head.
“You’ve already told me things that make me sick and hate him even more, what could possibly be worse?”
He had no idea. This was one of the worst things Zach ever did. I couldn’t look at him the same way after he told me.
“Trust me.”
I wasn’t sure I could tell him. Reliving that day was hell and the aftermath, torture.
“Dante, I want the truth. That means facing everything even if it’s awful.”
I saw the sincerity in his eyes. I sighed again, dropping my eyes to the table.
“The girls hadn’t quite turned sixteen yet when we moved here. It was a week before their birthday and a few days before we moved. I’d had an argument with him. He couldn’t beat me any longer because I wouldn’t let him. I wouldn’t take it. I was done. After I tell you this, you’ll understand how fucked up and insane our father is. How far he’ll go to get back at anyone who crosses him and I just crossed him in the worst way possible. By taking you and the girls away. By depriving him of the outlet for his temper.”
I shifted in my seat, already uncomfortable. Nothing about this conversation was comfortable, but this was the worst of it. Almost the worst of it. The things I couldn’t tell him ate me up inside.
“The girls came to me. They’d been crying, but they wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. They asked if we could leave sooner. If the two of them could go to the house because they couldn’t stay there any longer. I said yes because I couldn’t stand to see them like that. I brought them here even though I’d not stocked the house with food or anything, but they didn’t seem to care. They both just sat in the living room staring at the wall with haunted looks in their eyes.”
My heart fractured in my chest. I remembered how the twins looked like they could break at any moment. I hadn’t wanted to leave them there, but I was determined to find out what happened to them.
“I went back to Zach’s and cornered him in his office. I asked him what the fuck he’d done to Jen and Fi. He had the audacity to laugh in my face. Then he proceeded to give me a detailed account of exactly what he’d done to them.”
I clenched my fists, trying not to let my emotions get the better of me.
“He raped them, James. He took their virginity. He started with Fi, forcing Jen to watch and then he took Jen too. That’s why they were mute for months. Because their own father deprived them of their innocence at fifteen years old. I was incensed. He’d done it to get back at me for taking you and the girls away. So I turned my fists on him. I beat him until he was almost unconscious and all he did was smile at me. He promised me one day I’d come crawling back and he’d welcome me with open arms. I spat in his face and left, taking you with me.”
Tears welled beh
ind my eyes because I hated everything about that day. I hated everything about Zach. I hated that he was right.
“That night, I ordered pizza in and we all sat in my bedroom and ate it on the floor. I put you to bed and the girls didn’t want to be alone. So I let them stay with me. I held them all night whilst they cried on my chest. They told me in their own words what happened. It fucking broke my heart. I told them I’d never let him hurt them again. That they were safe with me now.”
When I heard a choking noise, I looked up at James. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he was holding back from sobbing. I stood up, walked around the table, tugged him up off the chair and hugged him, not caring it wasn’t something men did. My brother needed me and I wasn’t too proud to admit I needed him too.
“He didn’t touch them again. They would’ve told me. I know they act like they don’t care about anything and they treat Zach like he’s done nothing wrong, but they’re good at hiding their feelings. Their connection to each other helps. They still talk to me sometimes when it gets too much. They’ll call me and cry down the phone after they’ve seen him. Those memories will haunt them for life. I’m the only one who knows. And now so do you.”
I let my brother cry on my shoulder. I might not get along with my sisters, but this was different. They knew they could come to me at any time if they were suffering. Fi called me the night of the Gala. Liora had fallen asleep so I slipped out of bed and spoke to my sister. Jen had the worst flashbacks. I think it was because she had to watch Fi go through it first before Zach took her.
Liora was none the wiser about me leaving her for half an hour whilst I calmed them down and told them not to see Zach. Every time they did, it brought on the memories and whilst they never let on in front of him, they were haunted by that day all the same.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but my phone ringing startled both of us. I dug it out my pocket and looked at who it was.
“I need to take this, are you going to be okay?” I asked.
He pulled away and nodded, wiping his eyes. I gave his shoulder a squeeze before answering.
“Brent.”
“She’s with me, so you don’t need to worry. I took her to a pet shop and she’s looking at the fish.”
The relief I felt sucker punched me in the gut. Liora was safe.
“Is she okay?”
“No, D, she’s really not.”
“Fuck. Thank you for taking her.”
“She begged me. Told me if she stayed at the house, she’d break. You’ve really fucked with her head, you know that, right?”
I sighed.
“Yes. I do.”
I hadn’t meant to. None of this was meant to happen. She was never meant to know, but not telling her ate me up inside. How could she ever trust me fully if I was keeping secrets from her?
“You’re not going to like this but I told her she could stay with me tonight.”
“You what?”
What the fuck?
“She’s hurting, D. She needs time and space.”
“She has her own room here.”
“Are you really telling me you’d leave her alone? You and I both know you wouldn’t be able to stay away from her.”
I paced away, running my hand through my hair. I wanted her so fucking much. The need burnt in my veins.
“Does she really not want to see me?”
“No.”
I almost shoved my fist through the glass door of the conservatory.
“Fuck. Fuck. How can I fix this? How do I make it right?”
“You can’t fix everything, D. Sometimes you have to let people come around on their own. This isn’t her leaving you, okay? So don’t start thinking like that.”
It’s exactly what I was thinking. She didn’t even want to see me. It was stupid of me to jump to that conclusion. Only I wasn’t entirely rational when it came to Liora. And she had something of mine. My heart. I’d been calling her that this morning when I woke her up. That’s what she was. My fucking heart.
“I can’t do this without her. Fuck, you know how I feel about her. You probably knew before I did.”
He chuckled. The sound irritated me, but I didn’t say anything.
“Yeah, I do. Seriously though, she just needs a bit of time. You owe her that much. And you owe her something else too.”
“What?”
“You need to let her talk to her father.”
My chest tightened. I didn’t want her talking to him because I knew it would hurt her. And I knew Brent was right.
“I’ll think about it.”
“D…”
“I know, Brent. Okay? Just let me think about it.”
“I should go before she asks me to buy her the whole store on your behalf or something.”
I wanted to smile but I couldn’t. I wanted to get her a pet, but if I did that now, she’d think I was trying to bribe her.
“You know you can if she asks.”
“Yeah like you’d want a menagerie of animals in the house.”
“I would if it made her happy.”
“You’re going soft in your old age, man.”
“Fuck off, you’re older than me.”
He chuckled again.
“I’ll see you at home.”
He hung up and I slipped my phone back in my pocket, leaning my hand against the doorframe and staring out at the garden.
“Is she okay?” James asked.
“No, but there’s not much I can do about it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Not as sorry as I am about this entire fucking mess.”
“Will you tell me the rest?”
He wanted to know why I’d gone back to Zach. Why I’d turned into such a fucking arsehole. Except I couldn’t tell him that because it would destroy him.
“I did it… all of it for you, Jen and Fi. That’s all you need to know. I’m doing all of this to protect you. It’s because I love the three of you so much.”
I turned to him.
“Make no mistake, one day I will tell you what hold he has over me, but right now, I can’t. Right now, I need you to trust me and know I will stop him. I’ll take him down and make sure he can’t hurt any of us again. Can you do that for me? Can you wait and pretend like you don’t know a thing? Go back to hating me in front of him?”
He stared at me for the longest time, not saying a word. I saw so much of myself in him. I wanted more for my brother. He deserved so much fucking more than our piece of shit father and our shitty mess of a family.
“I can… but, Dante, I don’t want to go back to not having a relationship with you.”
“You won’t. You know you’re welcome here at any time. I promise. Just please, please, trust me and let me do this for all of us.”
He nodded.
“Even though all of this is really fucked up and what you did wasn’t right, I hope she forgives you. I like her. She’s good for you.”
I smiled. She was more than good for me. She forced me to do better. Be better.
“I hope so too.”
“You really love her?”
I nodded, rubbing the back of my neck. I hadn’t even admitted it to her yet, but I would. She just had to start talking to me again. She had to come back to me.
“I do. Even though going along with Zach was fucked up and I regret it, I can’t regret her. I can’t change how I feel.”
I shook my head. I sounded like a lovesick fool. And I was one. Liora really was everything to me.
“Anyway, since you’re skiving work and I need a distraction, why don’t we watch a bunch of shit films and critique them like we used to?”
James gave me a half smile and nodded. It’d been a weekly thing the four of us had done as a family until Jen and Fi moved out and it was just me and James. Brent had joined in sometimes. I missed those days. Honestly, I just missed my family and I wanted to make Liora a part of it.
I loved that girl.
And deep down, I knew she loved me too.
Chapter Twenty One
Liora
I spent the entire night tossing and turning, unable to sleep. For as long as I’d been here, I’d spent every night next to Dante. Even when he came to bed after I’d fallen asleep and left early, I’d instinctively known he was there. I’d fought against the urge to text him and tell him how much I missed him. How I needed him there.
Brent had been great. After we’d got back to the house, he took me straight to his basement flat and locked the door behind him. He’d spent the rest of the day with me, trying to cheer me up and making sure I had dinner and lunch. He didn’t mention Dante or try to get me to talk about things further. Then he’d tucked me up in bed and told me I’d feel better in the morning.
The problem was. I didn’t feel better. Not at all. If anything, I felt worse.
My chest ached. My heart was broken. And I missed Dante with a force which threatened to tear me apart. I longed for his presence. Even though he’d hurt me and kept things from me. I knew I should be upset with him, but I wasn’t. I understood. At least now I’d had a chance to calm down, I did. He hadn’t wanted to hurt me. He was trying to protect me. All Dante did was try to protect those he cared about even if he had a skewed and fucked up way of going about it.
He had really messed up though. Going along with this ridiculous blood debt business. I didn’t care how much he wanted me. He could’ve got my attention another way. Honestly, if he’d just made the effort to speak to me and get to know me over that three year period after the first day we’d seen each other, maybe I would’ve been more open to this. Then again, this was purely speculation on my part. And it was stupid to think like that.
I rolled out of bed. Brent had brought me some clothes down so I got dressed and went through into his kitchen, which he told me he rarely used. I made myself some tea and cereal and sat down at the table, drumming my fingers on it. I wondered where he was. Had he gone upstairs to speak to Dante?