by Sarah Bailey
“Were you waiting ages for me? At the hotel I mean.”
“No. We never specified a time, but it was only like five minutes.”
“Maybe we should do that next time.”
Why the hell did I just blurt that out?
Would there be a next time? I couldn’t deny I wanted a friend. Someone to confide in at least.
“Maybe we should.”
I was stalling now. I had no idea what to tell him. There were so many places I could start, but perhaps it was better not to scare him off. What would he think about my past? The horrors inflicted on me. How did you even go about telling someone that kind of shit?
I knocked back the rest of my drink, trying to settle my nerves. I could feel his eyes on me.
“Another?” he asked.
“My round.”
I got up abruptly. Why had this been easier last time? Talking to him, I mean.
You weren’t talking about yourself then.
If he noticed my nervous behaviour, he didn’t comment. I got us two more Amaretto Sours after getting raised eyebrows from Sandro about my companion and brought them over.
“You don’t have to tell me anything, you know. We’re complete strangers so I can understand why this would be weird.”
I hadn’t expected him to say that.
“I want to. My life is complicated and I honestly don’t want to scare the crap out of you or anything with it.”
He gave me a reassuring smile.
“Trust me, you won’t.”
I took a deep breath, then undid the button on my left shirt sleeve and rolled it up slightly. I held it out to him so he could see the almost crescent shaped faded burn mark on my forearm.
“I got that when I was sixteen. My… I… someone held an iron to my skin.”
I was about to tell him one of my tormentors did it to me but I wasn’t ready to admit that part quite yet.
He didn’t touch me but he examined it closely
“Why?”
“I disobeyed them.”
I could see the compassion in his eyes like he understood exactly what that meant. To have someone punish you in such a violent manner. And he did because of his father. That’s why I knew I was safe to tell him these things. He wouldn’t judge me.
“Can I ask if you have more?”
“Scars?”
He nodded.
“Um, yes, I do.”
I didn’t like to see myself naked. They littered my back along with a few on my torso, arms and thighs. Some of them were worse than others. They were all reminders. Reminders of what had been done to me over the years before I was rescued.
“Extensive?”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.
“I know saying sorry that happened to you is kind of useless, so I won’t.”
For the first time in my life, I felt like someone actually understood me. Everyone kept saying they were sorry. The word became meaningless.
I pulled my arm back and covered it again, rebuttoning my sleeve.
“Do you have any?”
“Yes, but… not ones I can show you in public.”
“Where?”
He pointed to his abdomen.
“He hit me with his belt sometimes. The buckle caught my skin in several places.”
He was talking about his father.
“I have a burn mark from a cigar on my shoulder and a few other scars. I was young when it started. Dante took the brunt of it and I didn’t know the extent until the day before Dad was arrested.”
The charges brought against Zachary Benson were revealed to the public, but not the details of the abuse. I wasn’t trying to pry into his life nor get him to tell me about his experience of abuse. If he wanted to talk about it, then I’d listen.
“How did it feel, like when he got put away, I mean?”
“Honestly, all I felt was relief. He wasn’t physically abusive much when I got older, more verbally. So knowing I didn’t have to put up with that any longer… I almost felt like I could breathe again.”
I didn’t feel like I could breathe. Some of the people responsible for what happened to me weren’t in prison where they belonged.
“This got deep quickly.”
He laughed. That baritone laugh which I felt deep in my bones.
“Are you complaining? I mean, we’re both here which by default means we’re miserable and haunted by our pasts. I figured perhaps we both had dark and twisty in common.”
I grinned, trying to hold back from laughing but I couldn’t. It felt so good to laugh. To actually enjoy someone else’s company without it feeling forced.
“Dark and twisty is the right word for it.”
It wasn’t a competition. I was sure the things James experienced were awful in their own right just as my harrowing past was too.
“Does telling you about my dad count as a story?”
“Yeah, it does.”
“Then I guess we’ve both met our end of the bargain.”
Somehow that made my chest feel tight. Was this coming to an end already? I honestly didn’t want it to.
“You want another?” he asked when I said nothing.
“Um, sure.”
He got up, taking our empty glasses back to the bar with him. When he returned, he had a napkin tucked under one of the glasses and a pen behind his ear. He set the drinks down and handed the napkin to me along with the pen.
One month today at 6 pm, I promise to meet you outside this bar before we go to dinner where we will exchange another story.
He’d already signed it. I smiled, unable to help myself. He wanted to go to dinner. I wracked my brain for my work schedule before pulling out my phone and checking the app for it. The hotel I worked at had some fancy technology and the rotas were done well in advance. I wasn’t working that day so I picked up the pen, signed my name too and slid it back to him.
“Let me guess, you’ll remember.”
“How could I forget? I mean, I don’t get random invites to dinner very often.”
His smile was becoming my new favourite thing. It was radiant. His ocean blue eyes twinkled in an almost mischievous way.
“I’d hardly call it random. You did tell Sandro we’re friends.”
“If you turn up next time, then we can officially call each other friends.”
“Deal.”
For the next half an hour we talked about work mostly. We didn’t stick around for another drink. We stood a little awkwardly outside the bar together.
“So, um, guess I’ll see you in a month then.”
He rubbed the back of his neck.
“Yeah, a month.”
He looked like he wanted to say more, but he didn’t open his mouth again. Why did it feel like the next month would drag?
“I had fun.”
I wasn’t lying. Talking to him had been easy once I started. He didn’t give me any weird vibes or cause my anxiety to spiral out of control. James made me feel safe in a strange sort of way.
“Me too… I… I’ll see you soon.”
He looked like he might try touch me for a moment but then he gave me a smile, turned and walked away. I watched him for a long moment before turning in the other direction so I could catch my bus.
Tonight had been a giant leap for me. I’d told someone something about me not many other people knew. Someone who didn’t look at me with pity.
I like you, James Benson. I hope we can be friends. Having a friend like you would make me happy.
Chapter Five
James
For the first time in forever, I was actually looking forward to something. It wasn’t a date or the promise of sex. It was just a thing between two people who shared a past marred by violence and abuse. There was no doubt in my mind, Ellie had suffered. The scar she’d shown me was only the tip of the iceberg. Seeing it hadn’t bothered me at all. Some people wore their scars on their skin a
nd some etched on their souls. I suffered from both and I had a feeling Ellie did too.
Perhaps this was what I needed. A new friend. That’s what I wanted out of it. Someone I could confide in who wasn’t Avery. Ultimately, she was right. I needed to find another person even though she’d always be my best friend. We’d been close for so long, not having her in my life would be like severing a limb. When she’d disappeared after her parents’ deaths, I’d almost lost it completely. Dad was getting worse and my world was falling apart around me. The one person I needed wasn’t there. I was terrified she’d met the same fate as her parents.
When she’d come back, I was relieved, but that’s when everything changed because of her family and Aiden. Our relationship with each other hadn’t been the same since. We’d always share a certain level of closeness, but her love for Aiden eclipsed everything else.
I needed to stop thinking about this. Why was I continuing to torture myself in this way? It wasn’t healthy. More like self-flagellation. It wasn’t anything less than I deserved considering how I’d kept the truth of my feelings from her. It wouldn’t do her any good to know anyway. I knew Avery. Her soft heart wouldn’t be able to stand it. She’d feel responsible for it and she wasn’t. It was my fault. My burden.
I meant to tell Ellie about Avery. That was why I’d kept my promise to meet her. When she’d told me about her pain, I couldn’t help but share mine because she understood it. I had a hard time talking about my father with my siblings. None of us liked to bring the subject up. Not since he went to prison. Besides Dante had Liora to confide in and the twins had each other. I didn’t like to discuss it with Avery much so I had no one.
You have Ellie now.
I barely knew a thing about this girl and yet talking to her was easy. She got it without me having to explain. Next time I’d talk to her about Avery. Except next time felt too far away.
The door to my office slammed open on its hinges. I looked up just in time to see Cassie walk in, her features painted with irritation.
“I’ve been back and forth with myself for a week now wondering if what you said was true.”
I was so startled by her presence, I couldn’t think what she was talking about.
“I thought you wanted this thing between us to work and yet now I just think you’ve been lying to me this whole time. You’re selfish, you know that? You expect me to be at your beck and call when you want it, but when I need you, you’re never there. Did you ever care about me or was this just some fun to you?”
Fuck, she hadn’t shut the door. I had to stop this. Her voice was all high pitched and I swear everyone on this floor could hear her. I stood up and walked around the desk, putting my hands out to her.
“Cassie, now isn’t the time for this.”
“When is? You never want to talk,” she almost screamed at me.
I walked past her and shut my office door firmly without looking to see if anyone was in the hallway. She turned to me.
“Tell me the truth, James, there was no family thing last week. You just didn’t want to spend time with me.”
“I didn’t lie to you about that.”
She crossed her arms over her chest.
“I don’t believe you. How can I believe anything you tell me?”
“I haven’t lied to you, Cassie. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen this way.”
I was saying the wrong things. I knew I was but the right words didn’t seem to want to come out of my mouth. Words like I’m sorry and I should never have treated you this way.
Her eyes flashed with anger.
“No? You didn’t mean to kiss me that night nor bend me over your fucking desk, did you?”
I flinched. We’d been working late six months ago when it happened. I’d just found out Avery was pregnant. Even though I was happy for her, it hurt. So I sought solace in Cassie because I knew she had a crush on me. It was obvious. I felt something for her but that something faded quickly. It was too late to stop all of this by then. Everything between Cassie and I was a mistake. One I sorely regretted making because all I’d done was hurt her. I wasn’t proud of it.
“Not got anything to say for yourself? Why the fuck am I not surprised, huh? You sure you don’t want to placate me with sex yet again?”
My office door opened and in walked Dante.
“What the fuck is going on? Everyone can hear you shouting,” he said, shutting the door behind him.
“Oh, well, here’s someone I might be able to get a straight answer out of.”
Dante looked between us.
“Excuse me?”
“Last week James claimed he had a family thing.”
His eyes fell on me.
“You didn’t tell her what we were doing?”
I shook my head.
“Wait, you did have a thing?” Cassie asked, her voice hesitant.
“Yes, the anniversary of our mother’s death,” Dante said.
She turned on me, her expression stricken.
“Why didn’t you just tell me that?”
“It’s not something I talk about, okay?” I replied, rubbing the back of my neck.
Talking to anyone who didn’t know my mother was hard for me. I’d only been ten when I lost her. Her death left a gaping hole in my chest. A void that would never be filled. And knowing it was my own father who stole her from us made it worse. I hated him. I hated him so much it threatened to consume me sometimes.
“I could’ve been there for you.”
“We agreed no partners, Cassie. It was family and those who knew her only,” Dante answered for me.
She looked at the floor. What happened last week had nothing to do with her. Even if this thing between us had been serious, I still wouldn’t have wanted her there. My family and my two friends understood the magnitude of her loss. No one else could.
Except Ellie. She would. I know she’s lost people in her life. I sense it.
“Regardless, this is a workplace and shouting at your manager no matter what problems you’re having personally is unacceptable. Go and wait in my office whilst I have a word with my brother,” he continued.
“Yes, Mr Benson, I apologise,” Cassie said before she left without looking at me.
When the door was closed I moved away and stood by the window, staring out at the street below.
“You need to sort your shit out with her.”
“I know I do,” I said, my voice quiet.
“Do you? Because this can’t happen again.”
I sighed, putting a hand against the window frame.
“I’ll sort it out.”
“James, leading her on is fucked up, you know that, right? She’s our employee.”
Having him reprimand me stung especially because Dante was right. Even though he wasn’t a saint and the shit he’d been involved with when it came to Dad was also fucked up, he never put his own interests above work. The business was different. It was our livelihood and he took that seriously now the four of us were in charge.
“I didn’t mean to.”
He came up and stood beside me, his expression one of sympathy.
“It’s her, isn’t it? It always has been.”
He was referring to Avery. Dante had always known how I felt. He was the only one who saw it. How pathetically in love with my best friend I was, even though she was married with a baby now.
“She’d be heartbroken if I told her the truth.”
“Her or Cassie?”
“Both.”
He gave me a slight nod.
“You need to end it with Cassie. It’s not fair on her and honestly, I can’t entirely blame her for getting pissed off at you.”
I stared out of the window again.
“I know. I will, I promise.”
Dante was right. I’d led her on and created this mess. I could only hope I could say the right words to show her how fucking sorry I was. How much I regretted the w
ay I treated her and how she deserved more.
***
The past couple of weeks had dragged to the point where I thought the day would never come around, but here I was, standing outside the same bar. Frankie’s. I liked it. It was quiet, and whilst I never really listened to jazz, I didn’t mind it so much. I’d been paying more attention to my companion then the surroundings anyway.
I looked at my phone. As usual, I was early by at least fifteen minutes. I wasn’t sure if Ellie was the punctual type or if she left things to the last minute. A part of me wanted to know everything there was to know about her. I wouldn’t press her though. She could tell me things in her own time. That’s what this was about. Having a person to talk to about the dark and twisted aspects of our lives. I smiled to myself at the thought of it.
Dark and twisty.
“And I thought I was overeager.”
I looked down, finding Ellie standing next to me with a smirk on her face and her sky blue eyes full of amusement.
“I like to think of it as being punctual,” I replied.
“Hi,” she said, almost shyly.
“Hi, yourself.”
I looked at her closely, her coat was hanging open and I could see she was wearing a navy dress which fell to just past her knees with ballet flats. My mind went into overdrive thinking about the ways I could dress her for her slight hourglass figure. I think it was a product of being raised around clothes. Somehow Dad’s eye for it rubbed off on Dante and me.
Not sure Ellie would’ve appreciated me thinking that about her so I raised my eyes back to hers. Her face was a little flushed. Shit. I wasn’t checking her out in the way she thought I was. Ellie wasn’t unattractive. In fact, she was stunningly beautiful. Her dark hair had copper tones to it. Her face, heart shaped and her button nose was kind of adorable. There was just something about Ellie which had me wanting to see more of her. Know more of her.
“Um, shall we get a drink first or go straight to dinner?” I asked, trying not to make this any more awkward than it already was.
“Have you planned where we’re eating?”
I grinned.
“Yes, I was the one who invited you so it’s only fair.”