by Sarah Bailey
Our mouths grew hungry, tongues seeking out each other and dancing. This was utter madness and we both gave in. The pent up longing seeped out of our pores. The air was thick with need. Our bodies did the talking. I ground into her and she whimpered against my lips.
I was so fucking tempted to swipe everything off the desk, lay her down on it and take her in the way I desperately wanted to. Keeping her pinned below me whilst I fucked her long, hard and deep. Listening to her whimper below me.
She might not have said no to me kissing her but having sex with her was an entirely different matter. I’d meant what I said earlier. She had to tell me it was okay. That she wanted it.
We both needed to come up for air, but I couldn’t stop. Her mouth intoxicated me. The taste of strawberries was fucking delicious.
“Fuck, Ellie,” I groaned against her lips.
All that seemed to do was spur her on. Her fingers at my back slipped underneath my t-shirt and brushed against my bare skin. I shuddered at the direct contact. We couldn’t be closer than we were right now unless we were undressed and I was buried inside her. It was exactly where I wanted to be.
This was too much. If I didn’t stop now, I’d let the beast free and then we’d both be fucked.
I pulled my face from hers, staring down at her dilated pupils and parted glistening lips. We were both panting, hearts racing out of control in our chests. Her tits were right up against me. I wanted to feel the weight of them under my hand and run my thumb over her hardened nipples.
I merely brushed my fingers over her jaw, cupping her face again. Ellie was more beautiful now than ever with her slightly flushed face and thoroughly kissed lips trembling for me.
“James,” she whispered.
“Yeah?”
“We shouldn’t have done that.”
Her words were like having a bucket of fucking ice thrown over my head. How could she say that? Didn’t she feel what I felt? That kiss eclipsed everything. Set the world aflame and we’d been dancing amongst the ashes together.
“What?”
She let go of me, her hands falling to her sides. I felt her withdrawal from me instantly. It stabbed me in the chest like a knife digging deep into an open wound.
“Kissed. We shouldn’t have kissed. That’s… we’re friends. Friends don’t kiss.”
Friends sure as hell didn’t kiss like we just did. I don’t think even lovers kissed like that. Two people consumed by each other did. And that’s what we’d been in those moments.
“Ellie…”
“Let go of me.”
I thought her telling me we shouldn’t have kissed was the worst thing, but this dropkicked me in the gut. I stepped away from her, my arms coming to rest by my sides. She stared at me with abject misery for a moment as if saying these things to me hurt her too.
“This was a mistake. I have to go.”
She skirted around me and walked towards the door. I turned to stop her.
“Ellie…”
“Don’t. I can’t do this with you. Not like this.”
Knowing it was futile, I didn’t go after her. I’d pushed her too far. Instead, I watched her walk out of my office. She didn’t look back. I slumped against the desk, swiping a hand across the back of my neck.
How the hell had I fucked that up so badly?
She hadn’t said no.
She’d wanted to fucking kiss me.
So why had she said it was a mistake?
I had no fucking clue.
***
I felt listless. It’d been two weeks of unanswered phone calls and texts. So here I was wandering around Heal’s with Liora. She was analysing everything around us. I’d explained I wanted a more homely look for my flat so we were on the hunt for things like throw cushions, blankets and candles. It didn’t stop her wanting to test out the furniture just in case we found anything I liked.
“What’s up with you?”
I turned to her, finding her green eyes on me with an assessing look.
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve been moping since you picked me up and are hardly looking at anything. What’s wrong?”
I sighed, flopping down on the end of one of the beds we’d stopped by. The mattress was firm but comfortable and I liked the bedframe, but it didn’t matter. All I could think about was Ellie and how I wanted to see her. To fix what I’d broken between us by kissing her.
“What’s wrong is I’m an idiot who fucks up everything in his life.”
She sat down next to me, placing her hand over mine.
“Did something happen with Ellie?”
Was it that obvious?
“Dante told you what I said to him.”
She looked away.
“He only told me you wanted to be more than friends with her and that things were complicated because she knows how you feel about Avery.”
Now one more person knew about this shit with Avery. At this rate, it was going to end up getting back to her and then things really would blow up. Everything was rapidly spiralling out of control and I couldn’t help feeling entirely responsible for all of it.
“I kissed Ellie. I mean really kissed her, it was raw and unbridled. She felt it too, whatever it was happening between us, but then she ran out on me, saying it was a mistake. That was two weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since.”
Liora was quiet for a moment before she looked up at me again.
“Are you still in love with Avery?”
“I don’t know.”
That was the honest truth. Things were changing for me. The way I felt about her wasn’t quite the same as it had been before I met Ellie. I was beginning to think Dante was right. That I was only in love with the idea of her. It was easy to use Avery as an excuse not to get close to anyone else. I didn’t want to do that now. I wanted, no, needed Ellie to see me. All the broken parts I kept locked inside laid bare to her.
“If it was me and the guy I liked said he was in love with another woman then kissed me, I’d be worried he was using me because he couldn’t have her.”
Her words smacked me around the head. Why the fuck hadn’t I considered that as a possibility?
You’re not a girl and normally you would’ve asked Avery for advice. She would’ve told you the same thing.
“I’m not. I don’t want to have feelings for Avery, not like that anyway. Ellie isn’t some kind of consolation prize to me.”
Ellie consumed my every waking moment. She felt like home. Like I belonged by her side.
“I know that, but does she?”
No, she probably doesn’t.
“How can I tell her that if she won’t even talk to me?”
My phone started ringing, the sound startling both of us. I sighed, pulling it out and checking the caller ID before answering.
“Hey.”
“Why are you avoiding me?” Avery asked without preamble.
“What?”
“You’re avoiding me.”
Oh fuck, what fresh new hell is this?
Was I fucking destined to ruin every relationship I had?
“I’m not.”
“Don’t bullshit me, James. I’m not an idiot. I’ve texted you like five times without a response. I called you last week and you were too busy to talk. What the fuck is going on with you? You’ve been acting weird for weeks now.”
I ran a hand through my hair and stood up, pacing away from Liora.
“Nothing is wrong.”
“If nothing is wrong then why the hell are you acting like this? You’ve never been withdrawn and uncommunicative with me.”
“I don’t have time for this, Ave. I’m out with Liora at the moment.”
I could hear her huff followed by a male murmur. Great, Aiden was clearly there.
“Just tell me why you don’t want to talk to me. Please.”
Her voice was almost a plea and it broke something inside me. This
was my best friend. We’d been together through thick and thin. Here I was treating her like shit.
“I’m sorry. I know I’ve been behaving like a dick and it’s not okay. Can you just give me time? I need to sort some shit out then I promise I’ll tell you everything, okay?”
She was silent for a long moment.
“Okay. You better or I’m coming over and tickling it out of you.”
“No, you fucking well are not. Don’t even think about it.”
“Oh, I’m thinking about it. You’re going to be squirming like a little girl.”
I fucking hated getting tickled and she knew it. It was how she got me to do things for her when we were younger. She knew my weak points and used them against me more often than not.
“It’s on, you better fucking watch yourself.”
“I’ve missed you.”
My heart ached at her tone, the sadness lacing it.
“I need to go.”
“Okay… love you.”
“Yeah, me too.”
I hung up, slipping my phone back in my pocket and running a hand through my hair.
“You really are fucking things up,” Liora said as she came and stood next to me.
“Tell me about it,” I replied, chuckling.
“Come on, we better get moving or I’ll be getting a call from Dante complaining about him and Brent doing all the work whilst we slack off in soft furnishings.”
I laughed. We’d left them at my flat to repaint the living room. I could’ve hired contractors. We had the money, but I wanted to do it myself. I think Dante and Liora respected that which is why they were helping me out.
“I like this bed,” I said, pointing to it.
“Well, let’s write it down and we can get it delivered then, hey?”
We spent another hour wandering around and choosing various bits and pieces. My Mini was almost overflowing by the time we’d got everything in. We were having a few larger items delivered. Things were shaping up nicely.
When we got back to the flat, we found Dante and Brent had already finished the living room and had moved onto covering the furniture in the bedroom.
“Well, you two should start a painting and decorating company together, you could call it D & B Do Walls,” I said.
“That sounds fucking stupid,” Brent replied, rolling his eyes.
“We need to call that charity to come pick up the old furniture,” Liora said, ignoring both of us. “Since most of the new stuff will be delivered next week.”
“Sure. I’ll go put the kettle on in the meantime,” I said, nodding at her.
I wandered into the kitchen and found Dante had followed me.
“You okay?” he asked.
“No, but getting this shit done is helping.”
“You didn’t tell her what I said, right?”
I sighed.
“No, of course I haven’t told her.”
As if I was going to tell my sister in law I knew all about what her husband liked to do to her behind closed doors. When I’d gone to theirs for dinner, Dante and I had sat out in the garden afterwards together and he’d explained a few things to me. I wasn’t judging him, but shit, they really were kinky in a way I hadn’t expected. It was always the ones you least expected. I mean, Dante needing that kind of shit I could completely understand, but Liora enjoying it? Well, that was a new one on me.
“She’d probably kill me.”
“No shit. Liora can be a little scary when she’s mad.”
Like when Dante had been in hospital and she’d gone crazy at the nurses for trying to kick her out of the room. It wasn’t just Dante who had a protective streak. I swear Liora would go to the ends of the earth for my brother and fight all of his battles for him. Not that Dante needed her to. He could handle himself well enough. It was sweet. The way they doted on each other. If you could ever call my brother sweet.
“Oh well… I kind of like it when she gets pissed off.”
I turned away, flipping the kettle on so I didn’t have to look at the expression on his face. Smug satisfaction because obviously when she stepped out of line it gave him an excuse to punish her.
“Too much information.”
“What? I didn’t say anything.”
“You really didn’t have to. The look in your eyes says it all.”
When I looked back at him, he was shrugging.
Smug bastard.
“Anyway, your secret is safe with me. I won’t even tell Avery, though you two have more in common than you’d think.”
I pulled four mugs out of the cupboard and dumped tea bags into them.
“What do you mean?”
“Let’s just say someone likes restraints.”
His eyebrows shot up.
“Wait… did you two ever…?”
I scowled.
“No, and just don’t, Dante. I’m not talking about what sleeping with her was like.”
Mostly because I really didn’t want to think about it. It happened and that was that. Dwelling on the way it felt to be with Avery was fucking pointless. Besides, she didn’t ignite me in the way Ellie did. That told me a lot about my feelings towards my best friend.
***
“This has to stop,” I said, pushing her back.
Avery looked up at me, her eyes wide and her mouth glistening.
“Why? It makes both of us feel better.”
All it did was give us an escape for a while but reality always set in not long afterwards. Sex wasn’t a solution to our problems.
“You’re my best friend, Ave. This isn’t healthy for either of us.”
She pushed me back on the sofa before straddling my lap. My hands automatically went to her hips.
“We’re not hurting anyone. No one knows. I know you want it.”
She ground her hips into mine. I stifled a groan. Avery instigated this far too often. It’d been a year since it first happened and things had gone from bad to worse. Her parents were driving her crazy and my dad was putting so much pressure on me. I was so close to snapping. His constant belittling got inside my head. I almost believed him when he told me I was a useless son. Almost.
After I moved out of Dante’s, things soured between me and him. Now he was basically Dad’s younger replica. He didn’t belittle me like Dad, but he acted like a complete dick to everyone around him. He pushed me away and I hated him for it. After all the shit we’d been through and now he was back in Dad’s pocket like nothing had ever happened.
“It’s not about wanting it. What if Gertie finds out, huh? She’s already suspicious.”
“She won’t. She’s too involved in chasing skirt and boys to notice.”
I shook my head even as my hands urged her on. I was a fucking mess. This shit between us made it worse. I was beginning to feel things for Avery I shouldn’t. Beginning to want more than just sex. We had a connection because we’d always been best friends, but this was different. Being around her made my heart squeeze painfully, especially because I knew this was nothing more than a physical release for her.
“Avery, please…”
Her lips brushed against mine.
“Don’t think about it, just fuck me.”
So I did.
And it sentenced me to hell because I was falling in love with my best friend.
***
“Sorry, you’re right. That’s not something we should discuss. Ever,” Dante replied, looking a little chastised.
I finished up making the tea and handed a mug to him.
“You’re right, you know… about me being in love with the idea of her.”
I turned back to the counter and tugged something out of a drawer before I gave it to him. I didn’t really want to talk to Dante about Avery any longer. I did, however, need him to see this.
“He wrote to you again.”
I’d read it twice. Apparently, he wasn’t content with just sending one to the off
ice.
Dear James,
I understand if you’re angry with me. Everything I did was a lesson. To teach you about the realities of this world. To shape you into a better man. One I could be proud of. I want to be proud of you, son. I know the continued success of the company is due to your hard work. You were always far more dedicated than your brother and sisters. I’m sure you noticed I gave you a higher percentage of shares than them. It was to show my gratitude.
Come see me, James. Just for a while. We can talk.
Think about it.
Your father.
“Is he serious?” Dante said, almost scrunching the letter up in his hand.
It was true. I did have a slightly higher percentage of shares in the beginning, but I’d sorted that little error out. All of our shares were even now. I wasn’t giving into Dad’s fucked up mind games.
“Make you into a better man? What with physical and verbal abuse? He’s a fucked up piece of shit.”
I saw the anger and hatred in my brother’s eyes. Felt the venom in his voice. If I’d been under any illusions about his feelings toward my father before, I wasn’t now. Dante hated our father more than I did and I really fucking hated him.
“Can you get rid of that one too?” I asked.
“Of course. You’ll tell me if he sends you another one, right?”
“Yeah. I don’t think he’s going to stop even if I don’t respond.”
I wasn’t about to go see him. His letters couldn’t harm me but seeing him in person would. He would fuck with my head like he always did.
This is something I had planned to tell Ellie about before I fucked it all up. She’d understand why it was affecting me so much. Having my father write to me. I had to fix it between us. Even if it meant going back to being just friends and forgetting that life altering kiss we’d shared.
I needed Ellie in my life.
Everything is falling apart. You’ve become my anchor, Ellie. I can’t be without you.
Chapter Fourteen
Ellie
The ache in my chest which had been there for two and a half weeks was getting to me. I’d lost count of the days where I’d come home from work and hidden in my cupboard for hours on end. It wasn’t panic attacks this time. It was a deep seated longing which tore my insides to shreds. I almost started wishing my father would come to the hotel again just so it would distract me from this feeling and that memory.