by Sarah Bailey
“Don’t run off on me like that, not when we need to talk about what you said,” he told me and his words cut me like a knife. Had I underestimated him yet again?
“I shouldn’t have said it,” I whispered. “I’m sorry. I’ve fucked it all up.”
He shook his head. Why couldn’t I just be normal and not get emotional about stupid shit? James made me feel so many things and I simply wasn’t prepared for it. I’d never been with anyone before. Not like this, with a man who completely consumed me. Who could tear me apart with a few simple words if he chose to.
“I didn’t mean to,” I continued, not letting him have a chance to speak. “I wanted to make a good impression and now everyone in there probably thinks I’m crazy. I can’t believe I said that to her. Oh god, I’m such an idiot. I should’ve kept my mouth shut. I should’ve just stayed calm. I should’ve—”
“Ellie, stop it.”
I shut my mouth immediately. His eyes were intent on mine. There was no anger in them at all. He just looked concerned. He took my clutch from me and procured a tissue, wiping my cheeks with it gently now I’d finally stopped crying.
“Come with me.”
I let him lead me away from the crowd into a quiet corner. He rested a hand against the wall by my head, staring down at me intently. I was effectively caged in, but James wasn’t a threat to me, he was merely hiding me from view. He obviously knew I was embarrassed by this whole thing.
“Why did you come after me?” I asked without thinking.
His eyebrow shot up and an incredulous look flittered across his face.
“Are you serious? You’re my girlfriend and you’re upset. What kind of person would I be if I didn’t come after you?”
I swallowed, unsure of how to respond to that. It was stupid of me to have asked since I knew James. He’d cared for me this past month. Made sure I took my painkillers. Let me live with him. Believed me when I told him about my father. James really was the most considerate and understanding person I knew.
“I’m sorry.”
“Please stop apologising. Ellie, sweetheart, do you think I’m angry with you for what you said to her?”
I nodded. How could he not be?
“I could never be pissed off with you for speaking the truth. Do you have any idea how many times I wished I could tell her how I felt? How much she hurt me? I’m the one who’s a coward, but you, you’re the bravest person I know.”
My heart felt tight.
“I am?”
His expression softened, his blue eyes radiating pride and adoration.
“Yeah. Brave, strong and beautiful, that’s what you are. You mean everything to me.”
I couldn’t speak. Everything about him was too perfect. His sweet and giving nature. The way he saw me. I couldn’t believe he was still here. Still looking at me as if he couldn’t live in a world without me. How could I have ever thought he would hate me for what I said? How could I ever doubt him when he’d come after me? He’d put me first just like he promised he always would. So the next words out of my mouth surprised the shit out of me.
“I love you.”
And judging by his shocked expression, he hadn’t been expecting me to say it either. The silence between us was deafening. If I ran now, he would follow me because that’s just the person he was, but I couldn’t stand it. I’d just admitted something I didn’t even know I felt until I said it. The truth of it rang in my heart. I really was in love with him even though I had no idea if this was how love was meant to feel. Were you meant to be utterly consumed by the person you were with? Like you couldn’t breathe without them and you’d waste away if they ever left you.
Instead of letting the silence suffocate us, I stepped towards him, went up on my tiptoes and kissed him. He wrapped an arm around me, his other hand cupping my face. His tongue danced with mine as my fingers threaded in the hair at the back of his head. It showed me he was okay with what I said, that he wasn’t going to run just because I uttered those three words. At least I hoped he wasn’t. I hoped this wasn’t the last kiss we’d share. I was all in with him.
“Ellie,” he breathed, rubbing his nose against mine.
“I mean it,” I whispered.
“I know.”
I had no expectations he would say it back. It wasn’t something I needed either. If and when he felt that way, he could tell me in his own time.
“Do you want to go home?” he asked, pulling back and staring down at me, his blue eyes filled with so many conflicting emotions.
Going back in there filled me with dread, but sooner or later, I would have to deal with it. Besides, I knew for a fact we were sitting with James’ family rather than his friends. And I liked his family a lot. They’d all been lovely and incredibly welcoming.
“No. I said I’d do this.”
He searched my face for a long moment.
“Okay.”
“Suppose I need to fix my face first.”
He gave me a smile.
“I’m saying nothing.”
Probably best he didn’t. I knew my makeup had run. He waited outside the bathroom for me. I managed to salvage my face and was back out in the lobby, holding his hand tightly before long. Just as we re-entered the ballroom, people were taking their seats. We were some of the last to slip into ours. I was next to Liora who gave me a bright smile. James wrapped an arm around my shoulders which helped me relax a little. I was still tense, but I reminded myself this was for him. I had every right to be here. I was one of the girls the charity had helped.
Glancing around the room, I found Avery’s eyes on me. They were narrowed and I tried not to flinch. Had I made her hate me by exposing the truth?
“Ignore it, sweetheart,” James whispered in my ear. “I’ll sort things out with her, I promise.”
I looked over at him. He was giving me a half smile, but his expression was tense. Knowing I was coming between him and his best friend made my heart sink. It had never been my intention. I leant closer. My hand landed on his thigh. The contact was exactly what I needed. The closeness and connection between us.
“Thank you.”
His eyebrow quirked up.
“For what?”
“For being you.”
That made him smile wider and I swear my heart stopped. I was utterly addicted to the way James looked at me like I was the most important person in his life. Not once in the month we’d been together had he made me feel like I was anything other than his number one. He’d been so patient with me when I struggled and panic set in. Even earlier this evening when I said I was scared of people seeing my scars, he’d reassured me. We’d stood in front of the mirror together and he’d pointed out how each scar on view showed my strength. How I’d persevered despite all of the horrors inflicted on me. Then he’d kissed each one and told me how beautiful I was. I was practically melting in his arms and it’d taken all my self-control not to drag him to bed so he could kiss me in other places.
How could I not be in love with this man?
For a moment, I wished we had gone home because I wanted to tell him over and over again how I felt. Our little tryst in the cupboard earlier wasn’t enough. Nothing would be enough when it came to him. I’d missed out on so much during my years of captivity and recovery. I wanted to make up for it.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he murmured, his ocean blue eyes darkening.
“Like what?”
His nose nuzzled my neck, his breath dancing across my skin. His hand on my shoulder tightened.
His deep voice rumbled across my skin as he whispered the words, “Like you want to get down on your knees under the table.”
I felt hot all over and my insides clenched. I hoped no one was looking at us because they could probably tell we weren’t having a very appropriate conversation for a charity gala. A quick cursory glance told me no one at our table was paying attention. My eyes were drawn to the table next to us, where
his best friend was still watching us. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. Her expression bordered on surprised bemusement.
“You can’t say stuff like that,” I hissed.
“No?”
“Not in public.”
His other hand fell on my knee, fingers brushing over the bare skin where my dress had ridden up. I bit my tongue, trying not to whimper as heat flooded my core.
“Who’s in charge here, sweetheart?”
Fuck.
“You.”
“Good girl,” he murmured against my skin.
He knew just what to say and do to get me to fold. My need to please him overrode anything else. It was so much deeper than sex. When he told me to do something, I complied without thinking. And it hadn’t been an issue when we were alone.
“You’re not being fair.”
He chuckled, pulling back and dropping his hand from my knee. Sometimes James was utterly maddening and right now, I was sure my face and neck were bright red.
“You’re so cute when you’re blushing.”
I turned to him, giving him a smile as my hand crept beneath his jacket, brushing against his side lightly. His amused expression disappeared in an instant. I’d discovered he was ticklish quite by accident one day when we’d been watching a film. I’d been gently running my fingers down his arm and they’d brushed his side. He’d flinched and almost jumped up off the sofa in response. When I asked what was wrong, he’d just told me not to do it again. I’d put two and two together and later in bed, I’d tested out my theory. Let’s just say James may have screamed like a girl and fallen out of bed trying to get away from me.
“Ellie,” he warned. “Don’t.”
I pulled away and settled myself back in my seat properly as I noticed the host was about to start speaking
“She’s still watching us,” I told James quietly after I’d taken another cursory glance at Avery.
He sighed, dropping his arm from around my shoulders.
“I promise I’ll handle it.”
I believed him, but her gaze made me uncomfortable. It was a mixture between annoyance and I think, jealousy. I suspected it had nothing to do with her wanting James and everything to do with not appreciating how close he was with me already.
And I tried not to think about how it made a small part of me feel a little victorious.
***
Standing with Liora and Dante near the edge of the dancefloor, I watched James and Avery have a heated conversation in the corner of the room with some trepidation. He promised to handle it, but I hadn’t expected it to be during the gala. I thought he might wait until later. She wasn’t having any of it. She’d pointedly ignored me when she asked to speak to him five minutes ago. To be honest, after what I said, I could hardly blame her.
“That doesn’t look good,” Liora said, startling me.
I shook my head. From what James had told me, the two of them rarely argued. It was his other friend, Gertrude, whom he bickered with on a regular basis. Now he was arguing with Avery over me. I was about to respond to Liora when I realised someone had approached us. Looking up, I found it was Avery’s husband, Aiden. His eyes drifted over to James and Avery before landing back on me. I couldn’t read his expression.
What does he want?
“Uh… Hi,” I said.
“They’ll sort their shit out between them.”
That was the last thing I expected him to say to me. In all honesty, I found him kind of intimidating now I was seeing him close up. He was taller than James and ripped to fuck. His tattoos were covered, but I knew they were lurking underneath his sleeves.
“I hope so.”
He had a beer in his hand which he took a long swig of.
“Trust me, those two are close as fuck. She’s just pissed he didn’t tell her about you sooner.”
I couldn’t fault her for that. If I’d known, I would’ve made James talk to her long before he did. I always assumed he’d have told his friends about me.
“Seems he felt weird about it what with everything…”
I couldn’t finish that sentence. Aiden nodded slowly.
“I’m going to assume James told you about us and her family.”
I nodded.
“I’m sorry, I knew for a long time and I’ve kicked myself so many times for not stopping it all sooner. Things were fucked and then there was her.” He nodded over at his wife. “She changed everything.”
I saw the way his eyes dragged across her like he couldn’t believe she was his. James was right. Something about the two of them fit when I saw her glance at him and her eyes did a similar thing.
“The only person I blame is the one who sold me to them in the first place, so don’t worry.”
I slapped a hand across my mouth the next moment, staring up at his darkened grey eyes. There was something akin to anger simmering in them.
“Are they in prison with the rest of them?”
I shook my head. Thinking about my dad had my stomach sinking. I should’ve said yes, but something told me I needed to tell the truth.
“Well fuck. Some days I wonder if we’re ever going to see the back of this shit.”
My hand dropped back to my side.
“One day maybe. Until then, at least you have this to show for it.”
I waved my hand around the room, indicating the event which by all accounts seemed successful. The auction earlier had banked them a lot of money for their charity.
“This is Avery’s thing. I just run a tattoo shop now. She calls me her arm candy for these things. You should come see her gallery, that’s her real passion, though she hasn’t painted much since Afie was born.”
I snorted. That was one way of describing him. Then the other thing he said registered with my brain.
“She paints?”
He nodded, pride flashing across his features.
“Amongst other things. Talented as fuck that girl.”
Another thing James never told me. I was beginning to see how Avery felt about him being limited in the details he spoke of. Something I’d need to address. He’d been open about many things with me, but he often held himself back. I think it had everything to do with the way he saw himself after his father’s belittling and abuse. James just needed help to open up.
“So… a tattoo parlour?”
He smiled.
“Oh no, I’m not the artist, my best mate, Ben does that shit. He did all my ink and Avery’s too.”
I’d never thought about getting a tattoo in my life what with all my scarring. It was enough body modification for me if you could call it that.
I felt an arm around my waist and hot breath on my ear.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
I looked up at James, his blue eyes were dark and full of sadness. Having no idea what he and Avery talked about and not daring to ask, I leant against him, putting my hand on his around my waist.
“I take it things didn’t go well,” Aiden said.
“Not at all,” James replied, his voice cracking on the words.
Aiden sighed and looked over our shoulders.
“Well fuck. Now she really won’t get off my fucking case. Excuse me.”
He strode away, leaving me alone with a sorry looking James.
“Home?” I asked.
He gave me a dejected nod. He’d taken care of me for the past month, it was time I returned the favour.
We said a few quick goodbyes before piling into an Uber. He was silent the whole way back to the flat, his hand resting on my thigh. He rubbed his thumb across it absentmindedly, staring out of the window. I had no idea what to say. I’d never seen him like this. Almost as if the world had caved in on him.
When we got in, his shoulders had dropped and his expression was heart breaking.
“Let me fix you something to drink,” I said.
He simply nodded and walked into the bedroom without a word. I
slipped off my heels which were pinching my feet and padded into the kitchen. After boiling the kettle, I made him a herbal tea and poured a glass of water for myself. I brought both into the bedroom, finding his clothes strewn across the floor and him huddled under the covers.
It was only when I set the mug and glass down, I realised he was silently shaking. Unzipping my dress, I hurried out of my clothes and climbed in next to him. I wrapped myself around his back, holding him to me as the man I loved broke down entirely.
James… please don’t cry. I’m here and I love you.
Chapter Twenty Three
James
You never know how good you have it in life until everything you hold dear crashes down around you. The only reason I wasn’t drowning was Ellie being right there, holding onto me like her life depended on it. My sweet Ellie who deserved the world. Who I’d defend and protect with my dying breath. She was my lifeline.
“I’m here,” she whispered, her breath tickling my back. “I’ve got you.”
She echoed the words I’d uttered to her so many times. Fuck I felt like a pussy. No sooner had she crawled in next to me and wrapped her arms around me, the hold on my emotions snapped. And now it whirled inside me like a hurricane, tearing me to shreds.
My best friend just told me she didn’t know who I was any more.
I didn’t think hearing those words from Avery would cut me so deeply, but they had. If she didn’t know me then who the fuck was I? Avery was the one constant in my life and all I could think was I’d lost her. Lost the person who understood me the most.
The argument played over and over in my head. The words she’d spewed at me like I was the bad guy, the one at fault.
***
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why would you let it go on for years like this? How do you think that makes me feel? Knowing all this time I was hurting you.”
“I didn’t know how to tell you. You were so happy with Peter then you disappeared and after that, you met Aiden. What was I supposed to do? Ruin your happiness? What good could’ve come out of me telling you back then?”
“You should’ve just been honest and not lied to me for years. Years, James! What kind of friend does that?”