by Sarah Bailey
The door opened and on the threshold stood my sister in law, her green eyes wide as she took in my appearance.
“Fi? What’s wrong?” Liora said, reaching a hand out to me.
I dropped my bag and all but collapsed into her arms, sobbing on her shoulder as everything crashed down around me.
“I can’t. I can’t… My heart. It hurts.”
“Shh, shh, it’s okay.”
I shook my head. Nothing was okay. Dante had completely ruined everything with his reaction to Jensen and my relationship. A relationship which was now over.
“Come on, let me get you inside.”
I couldn’t move. My whole body burnt with pain as my heart shattered over and over again.
“No,” I sobbed. “It hurts.”
She stroked my back. I didn’t care how this looked to anyone else. My whole world had just crumbled around me.
“Brent,” she called out. “Brent, I need your help.”
A minute later, I heard footsteps.
“What’s up? Oh… is that…?” Brent’s voice rang in my ears.
“It’s Fi. I don’t know what happened, but can you take her upstairs, please? Ellie is in the living room.”
I felt myself being pulled away from Liora and lifted up like a child. I clutched Brent’s t-shirt, sobbing into his chest without a care. Nothing mattered any longer.
“It’s okay, Fi. Just let it out,” he said, his voice low as he carried me upstairs.
“Do you think I should call Jen?” Liora asked.
“No,” I sobbed. “No. Don’t.”
It would only make things worse. Jen finding out about Jensen and me would make an awful situation absolutely dire. I was happy Dante wasn’t back yet. I don’t think I could’ve taken seeing him even though I’d run to his wife.
All of us were silent apart from my sobbing as Brent took me upstairs into the living room. I didn’t want him to put me down so when he tried to, I clutched him tighter. I heard him sigh before seating himself on the sofa and holding me close.
“What’s going on?” I heard Ellie ask.
“I don’t know,” Liora replied. “She just turned up crying. She doesn’t want me to call Jen so I think it might have something to do with her boyfriend.”
I sobbed harder as Brent stroked my hair.
“Oh… Oh shit. You don’t know who he is.”
I looked up from Brent’s chest, finding Ellie sat on the sofa next to us and Liora had taken a seat on the one to our left.
“And you do? Wait, how do you know?”
“James told me. He met him last week.”
Liora looked over at me with a frown. Even though my heart ached and I was still sniffling, I owed them all an explanation.
“Dante found out,” I said, choking on the words. “He’s mad and threatened Jensen so I broke it off with him to stop Dante ruining his career.”
Ellie stared at me with wide eyes because she knew the situation, but Liora looked confused.
“Who’s Jensen?”
Ellie turned to Liora.
“Fi’s boyfriend… who also happens to be Jen and Fi’s therapist. Fi quit therapy last week though, so she could be with him openly. They haven’t told Jen yet, for obvious reasons.”
Liora was silent for a long moment before she got up and paced away so I had no idea how she took this piece of information. I buried my face back in Brent’s chest. He’d not said anything, just continued to stroke my hair and hold me. I was grateful to him even though he can’t exactly have been comfortable having a crying woman holding on to him for dear life.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“It’s okay, Fi,” he murmured back. “I’ve got you.”
For a second I wondered how my sister could hate Brent so much. He’d been in our lives for twelve years now. Yeah, he could be a complete dick at times, but he was also kind and considerate. He’d been there for our family through thick and thin.
“Let me get this straight,” I heard Liora’s voice from across the room. “You’ve been sleeping with your therapist and Dante found out and threatened to report him for it?”
I flinched. When she put it like that, it sounded terrible.
“I love him,” I whispered, knowing my voice was too quiet to be heard by anyone but Brent.
“What did you say?” Liora asked.
“She said she loves him,” Brent answered for me.
“It’s not just a fling, Liora,” Ellie said. “James said they’re serious about each other. The other complication is Jensen is Ben’s brother.”
I heard the shuffle of footsteps.
“Wait, Aiden’s friend, Ben?”
“Yes, that’s why Fi told James. Jensen wants her to meet his family at his parent’s wedding anniversary. She wanted James to ask Avery to keep it a secret from Dante and Jen until Fi was ready to tell them.”
I raised my head off Brent’s chest again. His hazel eyes were full of compassion. This entire situation sucked. I’d done what was best for everyone involved. Broken up with the person I was pretty sure was the love of my life. But it was time they stopped talking about me like I wasn’t here.
“I am still here you know,” I sniffled.
Both of the girls looked at me with concern in their eyes.
“It doesn’t matter any longer. I ended it. It’s done.”
“Fi…” Ellie said reaching a hand out to me.
I shook my head.
“I’m broken. He’s my air, Ellie. I can’t breathe without him, but I can’t allow Dante to ruin his career. I can’t.”
That’s when the door to the living room opened and in walked Dante and James. Both of them scanned the room for a moment before their eyes settled on me, Brent and Ellie. James’ eyes were full of compassion whilst Dante just looked pissed off. I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye and found Liora storming over to Dante with a grim expression on her face.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” she seethed, poking a finger in his chest.
Dante turned to her, eyes wide. James crept around Dante, looking like he wanted to be anywhere else as he came over to us and sat next to Ellie, giving her a kiss on the forehead.
“Liora…” Dante said, his voice tentative.
“Your sister turned up on our doorstep sobbing her heart out because of you, so don’t you Liora me right now.”
“What?”
I’d never seen my brother cowed by a woman, but right now, he looked outright terrified of his wife.
“You heard me. Threatening to destroy her boyfriend’s career. That’s low even for you.”
He put his hands up and backed off slightly.
“He’s taken advantage of her.”
“Is that what you think? Did you even ask her what was going on? No. You just jumped to conclusions and now she’s broken up with him because you threatened him. I warned you about this kind of shit after everything with Zach.”
Neither of them brought it up very often, but we all knew the circumstances behind Liora and Dante’s relationship, although I wasn’t sure if James had told Ellie yet or not.
“Are you really going to tell me it’s okay for her therapist to sleep with her whilst treating Jen at the same time?”
“Did I say it was okay? No, I didn’t, but you don’t get to dictate your sisters’ lives either. It’s not a fling, Dante. They’re serious about each other. Fiona loves him. She quit therapy so they could be together. What part of that sounds like he’s taking advantage of her?”
Dante looked over at me. I shrank back into Brent’s arms again, the overwhelming pain of leaving Jensen because of my brother ripping through me.
“I told him all of that,” James muttered, rolling his eyes as Ellie curled up against his side.
The only person we were missing now was Jen, but I hoped no one would mention that part. I still didn’t want her to find out about Jensen and m
e. Especially not now we’d broken up. My heart fractured all over again. I hadn’t wanted to break up with Jensen. I wanted him to be my forever.
Dante put a hand on Liora’s arm and leant closer to her, murmuring something in her ear which none of us could hear. When he pulled back she nodded at him, her mouth set in a firm line. He walked around her and came over to me, squatting down to my level. He took my hand and stroked his thumb over the back of it.
“You love him?” he asked, his voice soft.
I nodded, a fresh set of tears spilling out over my cheeks.
“Will you explain it to me?”
I nodded again. He stood and reached out, helped me up from Brent’s lap and took me over to the armchairs in the corner. He sat me down and held my hand whilst I told him about Jensen and how we’d met. Dante had always been my support network. The person Jen and I ran to when things got rough. He’d been my source of comfort for so long until Jensen had come along and provided me with a safe haven in his arms. He couldn’t replace Dante, but he did something else for me which no one else could. He became the single most important person in my life. The one I wanted to share everything with. My partner in crime.
“I didn’t mean to fall in love with him,” I whispered. “I never meant for any of this to happen, but it did. He makes me happy. I felt like I was finally living because he was there and now… my heart is broken and it’s my fault.”
He stroked the back of my hand with his thumb.
“Shh, I know it hurts,” he whispered back.
“I didn’t want to end it, Dante. I need him.”
He was silent at that. I’d done it because of his threats and coming to the realisation that Jensen and I being together would only cause Jen pain. I couldn’t do that to her. Not when she trusted him. Not when he helped her in the way I never could.
“He’s my air. I’m suffocating without him.”
I didn’t think Dante would answer that because there were no words really.
“I’m sorry, Fi. I didn’t know.”
“Please don’t ruin his career. He’s helped Jen so much. He never took advantage of me. Not once. He’s a good person even if he thinks he isn’t. He needs his career. It’s the only thing he has.”
He had you until you walked out on him.
A fresh set of tears spilt out over my cheeks. Jensen told me he needed me. Told me not to leave him and I had. What kind of girlfriend did that after everything he’d told me about himself. After he revealed the circumstances of his sister’s death and the reason he and his family were all but estranged.
Dante sighed, wiping away my tears with his thumb.
“Okay, Fi. I won’t do anything.”
“You’re not going to tell Jen, are you?”
He shook his head.
“Thank you.”
“That doesn’t mean I approve of any of this. He still has a lot to answer for, you do realise that, right? What happened isn’t okay.”
I stood up, not wanting to deal with any of them any longer. Especially not Dante’s disapproval over the situation. My heart ached and my lungs felt tight.
“Can I stay here tonight?” I asked, avoiding his gaze and what he’d said.
“Of course you can.”
I nodded before I walked away towards the door. Liora followed me, picking up my bag which she’d brought in the house after I’d dropped it on the floor when I’d arrived. She came with me across the hallway into the spare bedroom on this floor which used to be mine and Jen’s room. I sat down on the bed, wanting to disappear into nothingness.
“Are you okay?” she asked, dropping my bag by the door.
“No.”
She came over and sat beside me, taking my hand.
“You should’ve seen the hurt in his eyes when I left. It was like I ripped his soul out of his chest. My heart physically hurts. I want to run back to him but I know I can’t.”
“You can go back, Fi. You love him, surely you can get through all of this.”
I shook my head.
“I can’t hurt Jen. She’ll feel betrayed. She trusts him. He’s helped her get better and if I ruin that, what kind of sister will I be?”
Liora sighed and rubbed her stomach with her other hand.
“You can’t allow other people to tell you who you’re allowed to love. I mean look at me and your brother. You know what shit he put me through and I forgave him for it. Dante can be stubborn, but he’s not unreasonable. If you give him and Jen time, they’ll come around. Jen’s a grown up and she has to learn you need love too. You two can’t spend your lives joined at the hip. It’s not healthy.”
I hung my head, knowing she was right, but being too scared to admit it. The thought of hurting Jen even for a second didn’t sit well with me. It wasn’t enough for me to change my mind. Jensen and I couldn’t be together. There was no way past this issue. Not when my sister’s happiness was at stake. The guilt of keeping this secret from her was too much for me to bare and after Dante’s reaction, I couldn’t do it any longer.
“Is the baby okay?” I whispered.
She smiled.
“Yeah, we’re going to find out the sex next week.”
Dante and Liora had finally told everyone they were having a baby. Jen had been ecstatic about becoming an aunt whilst James had basically said something along the lines of ‘I told you so’ according to Dante. That had prompted Jen to punch him in the arm.
“That’s exciting. And the kittens, are they okay?”
“They’re around somewhere. Probably on our bed, which Dante absolutely hates. He complains about their hair getting everywhere, but I told him to suck it up.”
I shook my head. Liora was the only one who gave it to Dante straight other than Brent.
“You know you were kind of scary when you told him off.”
She laughed and shook her head.
“He shouldn’t have been interfering. I know he’s protective of you and Jen, but it’s also your life. He doesn’t get a say in what you do with it. Now I don’t think you should’ve broken up with Jensen over all of this, but I’m not going to tell you what to do. I will say that you don’t need to sacrifice your own happiness for other people. Just think about it, okay? None of us like seeing you upset.”
She patted my hand before standing up and walking to the door.
“I’ll bring you up something to eat soon, okay?”
“Thank you, Liora.”
For someone four years younger than me, she was certainly far more grown up than any of us. Liora had become the voice of reason and stability in our family. She was the glue which kept us together. I appreciated her more than I could say.
When she left, I changed into my pyjamas and crawled into bed, burrowing myself under the covers. I tried not to think about how much I missed Jensen already and how broken he’d looked before the lift doors closed. It was impossible. My body ached, needing his presence surrounding me. His familiar woodsy scent. I needed everything about Jensen. I missed him so much.
I didn’t think I could cry any more tears, but they came in waves, leaving me struggling to breathe as sobs wracked through my body. What the hell did I do to us? How had I managed to walk away from him when I swore I’d stay by his side? Was my family really more important than my own happiness?
Questions about my decision whirled around in my brain.
Everything was wrong.
Nothing felt right.
And I didn’t know if I’d done the right thing or not any longer.
Jensen, I’m so sorry. I love you. I love you so much it hurts and I can’t breathe.
Chapter Twenty Three
Jensen
Strange things start to happen to the human body when sleep deprivation sets in. I couldn’t concentrate. My brain felt like a fog had descended over it. My mood was sour and I ached all over. I didn’t trust myself to drive or even treat my clients. After two weeks of sleeping maybe o
ne or two hours a night, I asked Tracy to cancel all my appointments for the next week. It’d be irresponsible to compromise my client’s care because of issues in my personal life. I’d engaged in enough irresponsible behaviour to last a lifetime and I refused to do it any longer.
So here I was in bed, trying to fall asleep during the day and failing miserably. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was her. It used to be Hailey I’d think about all the time. The thought of my sister’s death still hurt, but my current heartbreak was at the forefront of my mind. I actually felt fucking embarrassed for myself. I’d fallen head over heels like a teenage boy for someone eleven years younger than me. If it’d been any other woman, then I’d have kicked myself into gear and just got over it.
The problem was, Fiona wasn’t just any woman. She was it for me.
I groaned, slapping a hand over my face.
What the hell is wrong with me?
The day she walked out I’d stood there staring at the lift for longer than I care to admit. I felt as though my heart had bled all over the floor. Picking myself up after that seemed like an impossibility, but the world doesn’t stop turning because the woman you’re in love with ended your relationship. I’d tried so hard to keep going but the lack of sleep had all but ruined me.
My phone started buzzing. I didn’t want to check it, but I dragged it off the bedside table just in case it was important. My heart almost stopped when I looked down at the display.
Fiona.
I almost dropped my phone.
FIONA: I miss you. I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me.
How could she think I would ever hate her? As much as it hurt me, I understood why she’d left, but now she’d text me. Told me she missed me. Fuck. I needed her.
I lay there for several minutes, wondering what I should do. She’d be at work at this hour, but I could call her. She’d texted me so I figured she was available. I dialled her number and waited.