by Sarah Bailey
“I’ve got you. I’m here. I love you so much.” She kissed the top of my head. “It’s you and me, okay? You and me. They’re going to be okay, you’ll see. Everything’s going to be okay.”
Her words soothed me. She kept talking to me until my fists uncurled and I wrapped my arm around her. I kept my face pressed against her chest.
“I love you,” she whispered one last time, leaning her cheek on top of my head.
The sound of her breathing and the soothing noise of her heart beating in her chest lulled me to sleep. My strong, beautiful and incredible firestorm was the only person in this world to complete me. And I was so fucking grateful she was here.
Chapter Twenty One
Jennifer
I lay awake with Brent sleeping against my chest. My fingers were tangled in his hair, keeping him pressed against me. His worry and concern for his nieces had my heart breaking for him. I couldn’t sleep, however, needing to watch over him in case he woke up again. In case he needed me. I’d never been much of a selfless person, but for him, I’d do just about anything.
I’d dropped a text to Dante before we got into bed to let him know we were staying. I’d also sent one to Fi to let her know I wouldn’t be in work tomorrow. Leaving Brent here alone to deal with his family? Not an option for me. I couldn’t think of anywhere I’d rather be than right here with him.
I wondered if the police would find the girls soon. His sister had been a complete mess. I completely understood what Brent had meant when he said Cam was dependent on him. The way she’d clutched him and her wracking sobs had echoed around my skull. Reminding me of the way I’d felt the day we discovered our mother was dead. The sadness which encompassed us for months afterwards. How Dante had cared for us the only way he knew how. And the devastation I felt when he revealed it had been Dad who stole her away.
Whilst I didn’t have kids of my own, I could only imagine how awful Cam felt knowing the father of her children had taken them.
Something significant struck me then. I wracked my brain for when I last remembered having my period and realised it hadn’t come when I was taking my dummy pills. That was two weeks ago. I choked out a breath. Had I been so wrapped up in everything between Brent and me that I’d not noticed?
That can’t be right. It can’t.
I’d never missed a period. Even when I’d gone on the pill, they’d been like clockwork.
Crap. Fuck. Shit. No. I can’t be. I just can’t be.
I mean if I was pregnant it could only be Brent’s and whilst he’d told me he wanted marriage and babies with me, this was too fucking soon. We’d only just decided to be together.
Carefully, I extracted myself from Brent and made sure he was still sleeping before grabbing my phone and checking if there were any twenty four hour shops open nearby. I got dressed as quietly as I could before I slipped out of the room, taking the key card with me. Brent would be fucking mad if he knew I’d left the room, but it couldn’t be helped.
I had to know.
And I had to know right now.
No one could ever say they knew me to be a patient person.
As I walked the shop, huddled in my coat because it was cold, I racked my brain for how this could’ve happened. I was meticulous about taking it. So fucking meticulous. Then it struck me all at once. I put a hand to my mouth, feeling nausea drive through me.
The anniversary of my mother’s death. I remembered that day vividly because of what happened between Brent and me. The argument and the epic sex in his bed. But the other thing which happened that day? I’d been violently sick half an hour after I’d had breakfast. And what did I always have with breakfast? My fucking pill.
I’m such a fucking idiot.
Why had I not thought about how that could be a possibility? It’d never happened before, that’s why. I’d never had sex on the anniversary of my mother’s death for obvious reasons. I’d remembered my dad’s face and the way he’d never shown any remorse for the things he’d done. The thought of it made me sick.
When I reached the shop, I browsed through the aisles until I found the pregnancy tests. It felt so weird picking one up off the shelf, but thankfully there were self-checkouts so I didn’t have to look anyone in the eye as I paid for it.
It’d taken me twenty minutes to walk here. I really hoped Brent would still be asleep when I got back. He’d have called me and demanded to know where I was if he had woken up. The whole walk back, nerves coiled inside me and by the time I got back in the room, I was shaking like a leaf. I checked on Brent, finding him still fast asleep.
Quietly, I took off my coat and shoes and crept into the bathroom. The wait was agonising. I kept looking at the timer on my phone, wishing the seconds to go by faster. I’d bought the brand where it would come up on the little screen to say pregnant or not pregnant. I stared at the little stick sitting on the sink counter, willing it to change. Willing it to tell me I wasn’t pregnant.
When the timer went off, I silenced it immediately to make sure I didn’t wake Brent up. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath.
I could do this.
I could face reality.
I opened my eyes and picked up the stick. It slipped from my hand the moment I read the screen, landing with a clink on the floor. I sunk down onto my knees and put a hand to my mouth. Tears pricked at my eyes and I allowed them to fall.
How the fuck had this happened?
How the fuck had my life become such a fucking mess?
Not only was I still being blackmailed, my dad was involved in helping us find out how it’d happened, Brent’s nieces were missing, I’d just become an aunt and now… now I was fucking well pregnant with Brent’s baby.
Could things get any more fucked up?
I certainly damn well hoped not.
I couldn’t do this alone. It was too fucking much. No matter how much my boyfriend was suffering with his own shit, this wasn’t something I could cope with. I needed him.
I picked up the offending stick which had told me something I really didn’t want to know and pulled myself back up to my feet. Trudging out into the bedroom, I stood by the bed and turned one of the lamps on.
“Brent, wake up.”
He didn’t stir.
“Please, I need you to wake up.”
I leant over and shook him. My other hand held the stick of fucking doom in it. He grunted but didn’t move. Straightening, I started to feel panic setting in. I needed him right now. Right fucking now.
“Brent, for fuck’s sake, wake up!”
He groaned again, opening his eyes and blinking rapidly. Then he sat bolt upright and took in my appearance.
“What’s wrong? Wait, why are you dressed?” His eyes searched mine, widening. “Jen, why are you crying?”
With a shaky hand, I held out the stick to him. His eyes fell on it and the blood drained from his face. He gently took it from me and peered down at the little screen. There was silence for a long minute. He discarded the stick on the bedside table before looking up at me and putting his hand out.
“Come here.”
I crawled on the bed. He tugged me closer and began to take my clothes off me until I was kneeling next to him in my knickers. Then he laid a hand across my stomach and stroked it whilst he stared into my eyes.
“Did you go out and get that?”
“Yes. I realised I’d missed my period during the week I was taking my dummy pills. I had to know. I had to be sure.”
“You should’ve woken me up. I would’ve taken you.”
More tears slipped down my cheeks at the love and adoration in his eyes. Was he okay with this? How could he be okay with this?
“I can’t do this. It’s too soon. I can’t. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
He pulled me towards him and wrapped me up in his arms. I sobbed on his bare shoulder, feeling the weight of everything crashing down on me.
“Shh, it’s okay.”
It wasn’t. Nothing was. I felt broken, lost and so damn alone.
“I can’t,” I sobbed. “I can’t.”
“You can and you will. I love you. I love you so much. Please don’t cry. It’s going to be okay. I’m right here. We’ll do this together. You have me. Always. I promise it’ll be okay.”
I clutched him, feeling as though I was drowning and he was the only person in this world who could keep me afloat. His words penetrated my misery. Did he mean it? That he’d be here? He wasn’t mad?
“Together?”
“Yes, together. Do you think I’d leave you when you’re pregnant with my baby? Have a little bit more faith in me, Jen. I’m not going anywhere. Fuck, I can’t live without you.”
I cried harder. The world felt as though it was caving in on me. How could I ever have doubted him? He’d been here all along. Even when I’d been awful to him. God, I regretted the way I’d behaved so much.
“I love you,” I sobbed into his shoulder.
“I know.” He stroked my hair. “You don’t have to be afraid. We’re going to get through all of this.”
He gently pulled me down on the bed and held me against his chest after he’d tugged the covers over us. Leaning over me, he turned out the light and kissed the top of my head.
“Shh, my love, try to get some sleep. We’ll talk about this in the morning.”
He hummed along to some stupid song we’d heard on the radio when we’d been driving up here. Somehow the sound of it lulled me to sleep. It was that or emotional exhaustion. Either way, I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.
Brent was here and taking care of me despite his own turmoil.
I couldn’t ask for any more.
***
When I woke up, the bed was empty next to me and I could hear the shower running. As much as I wanted to go jump in with him, I still felt like my world was all kinds of fucked up. And although Brent had said it was okay, it didn’t feel okay at all.
Grabbing my phone off the bedside table, I dialled my twin because I just bloody well needed her.
“Hey, everything okay?”
I hadn’t explained why I wouldn’t be in work today when I’d texted her last night.
“No… I’m with Brent, we had to go see his sister as her ex has taken her daughters. The police are involved and it’s all kinds of fucked up but that’s not why I’m calling.”
“Well, I did wonder why my senses have been tingling for days. Is Brent okay? Is his sister?”
I sighed, rubbing a hand over my face.
“Not really.” Tears began to well in my eyes. “Fuck… Fi, I don’t know what to do.”
“What’s wrong?”
The weight of it made my chest constrict. My hand fell to my stomach as tears ran down my face. A small tiny life was growing in there.
“I’m pregnant,” I choked out.
“What? You are? Are you sure?”
“Well, the test I took in the middle of the night was pretty fucking sure.”
I felt it too. Felt the truth of it.
“Well, shit.”
“Is that Jen?” I heard Jensen say in the background. “What’s she done now?”
“Can I tell him?” she asked me.
Didn’t see much point in keeping it from him. I likely needed to talk about it with him since I was scared fucking shitless.
“Put him on the phone.”
“She wants to talk to you,” I heard Fi’s muffled voice. “Okay, I’ll put her on speaker.”
A moment later, a deep voice rumbled down the phone, “You getting into trouble again?”
I didn’t have it in me to get riled up by his comment.
“You know how I told you Brent and I decided to make a go of things?”
When I’d had my session on Wednesday, I’d discussed it with him. He seemed happy for me which could only be a good sign. Although I hadn’t told him about the whole love revelation thing since that had been yesterday. There wasn’t time for it now.
“Yes.”
“Well, I’m now also pregnant.”
Jensen didn’t speak for a long moment.
“And you’re not happy about it.”
“I’m fucking terrified more like.”
“What does Brent think about it? I’m going to assume it’s his and you told him.”
“I don’t actually know since I broke down and cried on him. He told me it would be fine but it doesn’t feel fine at all.”
The shower turned off. I didn’t have long until he came out here.
“I need to go.”
“Do you want to come talk to me about it?”
“I guess so, but we aren’t in London.”
It would be better for me to be able to have a frank conversation about my feelings on the matter.
“When you get back then.”
“I don’t know when that will be. Fi can explain why.”
Brent walked out of the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist. My eyes followed the droplets of water dripping down from his hair onto his chest. They ran down the well-defined muscles of his abs.
Well, damn. My boyfriend is too hot for words.
Despite everything going on, I couldn’t help but appreciated the view.
“Call me when you know, okay? Talk to him, Jen. I know you’re scared but do it for the both of you.”
I swiped at my eyes when I noticed Brent looking at me with concern etched into his features.
“I’ll try. Thank you, Jensen.”
“Anytime.”
“It’ll be okay, Jen. He cares about you. Text me and let me know what’s happening,” Fi put in.
“I will.”
I hung up and dropped the phone on the bed just as Brent sat down next to me. He reached up and wiped away the tears still spilling down my face.
“You called Jensen?”
“I called Fi… He was just there.”
He looked tired but I could hardly blame him since he was stressed about his nieces and then there’d been me waking him up in the middle of the night to inform him of his impending fatherhood.
Impending fucking doom more like.
“Why are you crying?”
“How can I not goddamn cry at a time like this? I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t want to be pregnant with your fucking baby right now.”
I shoved his hand away from my face. He looked at me with such sadness in his eyes, it almost cleaved my heart in two. Why the hell had I just said that?
“I know it’s a lot to take in and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared too, but you can’t take it out on me.”
As much as anger coursed through my veins, there was so much confusion, terror and sorrow there too. Was it too much to ask that he’d just tell me if he wanted this with me?
I’m such a hypocrite. I just told him I didn’t want his baby which is a blatant fucking lie.
Instead of throwing more shit in his face, I buried mine in my hands and let out a pitiful sob. Having a baby should fill me with joy. It didn’t. The world was having a joke at my expense. I finally had the one person I’d always needed and now it might well all turn to shit.
“Shh, come here.”
He wrapped me up in his arms and stroked my hair as I continued to cry into my hands unable to bear the thought of looking at him.
“It’s okay, just let it out,” he murmured. “You’re okay.”
How could I be okay? Nothing about this was remotely okay. My heart ached. I felt so shit since I’d been awful to him and here he was comforting me. What the hell did I do to deserve him?
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”
“Shh, don’t apologise.”
“But I am sorry. All these years, I treated you like shit and here I am doing it again. You don’t deserve any of it. You’re so good to me.”
I felt him pull away before his ha
nds rested on mine. He tugged them down before cupping my chin and forcing my face upwards. His gold flecked hazel eyes spoke volumes.
“I love you just the way you are. You know that. You can give me as much shit as you like and I’ll still be here. Don’t you get it by now? You’re perfect to me.”
His words made me cry harder. How could I be perfect to him when I was a hot mess? And there was one question still nagging at me.
“Do… do you want this baby?”
He smiled and stroked his thumb across my cheek.
“I think you need to clean your ears out. I distinctly remember telling you yesterday before everything went to shit, I want you to be the mother of my children.”
He had said that whilst he was fucking me into oblivion.
“It’s a yes or no question.”
He shook his head, still smiling and rolled his eyes.
“Yes, idiot. I want this baby with you.”
I didn’t even care about him calling me an idiot. Reaching out, I grabbed his face and pulled him to me, kissing him for all I was worth.
“Make love to me.”
“Now?”
“Right now.”
He smiled against my lips. Normally I’d have told him to fuck me, but it didn’t seem like the right word. We probably should’ve talked more, but I wanted him close to me.
He wants our baby.
My heart swelled and whilst our lives were still a mess, some of the worry slipped away. Brent would take care of me. Of us.
He pushed me down on the bed and slipped between my legs after practically ripping my knickers off. The wicked smile on his face had me melting and growing wet for him. The way he held me with such tenderness and care as he slid inside me. How he kissed my skin and told me I was beautiful. And the heights he made me soar to only served to make me fall deeper in love with him.
When we both fell over the edge with each other, the bliss I experienced was unlike anything else. Laying in his arms afterwards, our breathing laboured and our hearts hammering I felt safe and loved. Brent had kept telling me over and over again during the past few weeks he’d protect me. And for the first time, I believed the words he’d said.
“We’re going to have a baby,” I whispered.