by Sarah Bailey
And when the ring was resized and ready to pick up from the jewellers, I’d make sure she knew I’d stay by her side forever.
Chapter Twenty Three
Jennifer
When Doctor Williams confirmed I was pregnant, I had no idea how to feel about it. On the one hand I was happy because I’d always wanted children, but the larger side of me happened to be terrified of the whole thing. Probably why I was at Jensen and Fi’s right now without Brent and sitting in Jensen’s home office with him.
“How are you feeling?”
I looked up at him. His expression was neutral as usual with him being in therapist mode.
“Honestly? I don’t know how to process this at all. How can I have a baby when I’m still so… broken?”
He leant forward in his chair, placing his elbows on his desk.
“You’re not broken, Jen.”
“I feel it.”
“You’ve made a lot of progress since you started therapy, doesn’t that count for something?”
I sighed, rubbing my temple.
“I guess so. It’s just so sudden. In the space of a week I’ve got myself a boyfriend, realised I’ve been in love with him since I was teenager and now we’re having a baby.”
“That’s a lot for anyone to process in such a short space of time. Do you want to talk about your realisation about you and Brent?”
I tapped my hand on the arm of my chair and looked away.
“I met Brent for the first time just days after what Dad did. Fi and I were only two days away from being sixteen at the time. As soon as I laid eyes on him, I felt something, you know, but I was so messed up and he was totally out of bounds. I mean he was our bodyguard and five and a half years older than me. Plus, I was still really fucked up over Dad. So I buried those feelings and pushed him away. I tried to convince myself I hated him instead, but I think I hated myself for having feelings for someone forbidden. Someone I barely even knew. It didn’t help that he kept pushing me into talking to him.”
I’d mentioned a little about this on the phone to Jensen yesterday when I’d arranged this meeting. Getting my head on straight was best for all involved. Brent especially since he kept looking at me like he wanted to ask what was wrong. He’d held my hand when the doctor was over and had told me he’d arrange for my care going forward. I’d known Doctor Williams for years, so I trusted him to make sure I got the very best. Dante wouldn’t settle for anything less, but he didn’t know about the pregnancy yet. We were going to have a family meal this week so we could tell everyone at the same time. Jensen and Fi already knew, but that was beside the point.
I looked up at Jensen again, feeling the weight of it all crushing my chest.
“I blame myself for not realising sooner how I felt about him. I buried it so deep and I was awful to him instead. Taking out my anger and frustrations with myself and my own stupid feelings on him.”
Jensen leant back again and observed me for a moment.
“Do you think placing blame for this situation is helpful? You were sixteen and had been through a traumatic experience. I imagine you didn’t expect to want someone after what your father did and you didn’t know how to cope with it. Especially not when he happened to be employed by your family to protect you and your siblings. You recognise you made a mistake which is good, but you can’t spend the rest of your life blaming yourself for not realising sooner how you felt about him. That’s not going to be productive to you or your relationship with him. You need to forgive yourself, Jen. Not just for this, but for all the things which happened to you that were out of your control.”
Trust Jensen not to sugar coat the truth for me. Forgive myself? How the hell did I even do that? The guilt I felt for not protecting my sister even though she never resented me for it ate me up inside. Even though we’d discussed this subject on numerous occasions now, I still hated myself for it. And I hated myself even more for the way I’d treated Brent.
“How?”
“How do you forgive yourself?”
I nodded.
“By letting go of the past and accepting there was nothing you could do to change what happened to you and Fi. You aren’t to blame and you can’t keep shouldering it. Do you think your sister blames you?”
“I know she doesn’t.”
“Then why do you think you keep blaming yourself?”
I considered the question for a long moment. All these years I’d hated myself for what happened. Couldn’t see myself as anything other than a failure although I tried to be strong. But it wasn’t my fault. None of it had been. I hadn’t asked for. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Fi and I were victims in my father’s fucked up manipulation games. So who’s fault was it really?
Your father. It’s always been your father. You know that. You blame him entirely. You always have. You hate him for making you hate yourself so much.
“It’s Dad’s fault not mine. He did this to us but blaming him isn’t helping me either.”
“Placing blame rarely helps anyone. Accepting you weren’t at fault is the first step. Forgiveness will come in time. You and your sister were thrust into a situation beyond your control and neither of you are to blame for what happened that day. You did nothing wrong. You’re so much stronger than you think you are, Jen. Just look at what you’ve endured throughout your life and yet you’re still here. You’ve never given up.”
He was right as usual. Sometimes I hated how he always knew the right things to say, but right now, I was grateful.
“You’ve opened up your heart to someone. Did you think you were capable of that?”
I shook my head. My heart was closed off to love entirely. I didn’t think I was worthy of such a thing.
“You blame yourself for not realising the truth of your feelings towards Brent sooner, but don’t you think he also shoulders some of the responsibility for your situation by not telling you how he felt? Nothing in life is ever one sided when it comes to relationships. There is always give and take. You both made mistakes, but you’re together now. Isn’t that far more important than living in the past with what could’ve beens?”
I looked away, unable to take his gaze any longer. Brent and I were both responsible for not communicating with each other.
“I guess it is.”
“Forgive yourself, Jen, but most importantly, forgive him.”
“I don’t…” I sighed. “You’re right. I do blame him too. I wish he’d said something. Wish he hadn’t just taken my shit. But I can’t dwell on it, like you said, the now is what I should be focusing on. And the now is fucking terrifying.”
I heard him shift in his seat and I looked up. He smiled at me, which was unusual for Jensen when he was in session.
“You’re going to be a mother. It’s normal to be scared. I’d be more concerned if you weren’t worried about it all. I think it would be helpful if you sat down with Liora and talked to her about this. It’s always better to discuss these things with someone who’s been through it themselves. I guarantee she’ll have been nervous about becoming a mother, just as you are.”
I cocked my head to the side.
“She doesn’t know yet.”
“Well, after you tell her obviously. You’re not alone in this, Jen. You have your family and you have Brent. We’re all here if you need us, especially Fi. Between you and me, she’s been bouncing off the walls ever since you told her.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“And you’re complaining that your girlfriend is in a good mood?”
His smile got wider.
“No, but you’re making her broody and I really don’t need that.”
I couldn’t help bursting out into laughter. His face. I knew Jensen wanted kids with Fi, but judging by his current expression, it most definitely wasn’t right now.
“Glad to see my predicament is so amusing to you.”
I waved him off, unable to stop as tears started to stream down my
face. Fi would never force him into having kids if he wasn’t ready. She wasn’t that type of person.
When I finally settled down, he was still smiling at me.
“Trust me, Fi will wait until you’re on board with it. All she talks about is how much she wants to please you, which, quite frankly, is sickening.”
His eyebrows shot up in the most comical fashion I almost started laughing all over again.
“She tells you that?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, did you not remember we’re twins and Fi pretty much tells me everything? I know some very sordid details about you and my sister.” I waggled my eyebrows at him. “But don’t worry, your secrets are safe with me.”
“I’m going to have words with her,” he muttered, scowling.
“I should warn her she’s going to get punished, but she quite likes that so maybe I won’t.”
His frown deepened and one of his hands closed into a fist.
“You shouldn’t know those things about me. I’m your therapist.”
“Oh yeah, because that really mattered so much when you were getting down and dirty with my sister whilst treating her.”
“You are incorrigible.”
I shrugged. I’d give Jensen shit all I wanted and there was nothing he could do about it.
“Brent says the same thing.”
He shook his head and rolled his eyes.
“I think he’s the only man who’ll put up with you.”
“Hey, you’re not supposed to say stuff like that!”
“And you’re not supposed to know about my sex life with your sister. I’d say we’re even.”
“Touché.”
He shrugged, his fist uncurling as he flexed his fingers.
“You sound like you’re feeling better.”
I guess I was. Talking through stuff with Jensen always did help.
“I mean I’m still pretty freaked out about the baby thing, but I do feel better about things on the whole.”
He clapped his hands together and sat up.
“I think we’ll leave things there then as I’m sure your sister wants to shower you with questions.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me.”
We both stood to leave. Fi would be on my case as soon as we got out into the living room so I braced myself for the onslaught.
“Just don’t give her any further ideas about babies, got it?”
I grinned and shook my head.
“No promises.”
***
Brent had been acting weird for days. I first thought it was because of his sister giving him shit about me, but he told me him and Cam were always getting into arguments so it was nothing new. Then I suspected he wasn’t as okay about the baby thing as he’d first made out. Again, he quickly dissuaded me of that idea by telling me whilst it was scary, he wanted the little life growing inside of me.
So I was at a complete loss as to why he was being all cagey. I knew he was going to see my dad in prison tomorrow, but it didn’t explain why he’d told me to get dressed up this evening. I did as he asked even though I wanted to demand answer. I specifically picked out a red dress with a plunging neckline which left my back completely bare along with sky high heels. I had my hair down in loose curls and dark smoky eyes completed the look. The first time I’d ever really gotten dressed up specifically for him so I wanted to make an effort.
He hadn’t told me where we were going. I descended the stairs and found him waiting for me in a suit no less. Swallowing hard before I started drooling all over him because he looked so damn handsome, I stood before him with a smile. His eyes roamed across me and he made a low growling sound in the back of his throat.
“Fuck.”
I raised an eyebrow, sweeping an arm out as I twirled for him.
“Is that all you have to say?”
His hazel eyes were dark when I faced him again, the golden flecks more pronounced.
“Damn it, Jen, you’re making it impossible not to want to have you on your hands and knees for me right now.”
I bit my lip, imaging his hands banded around my hips whilst he slammed his cock inside me over and over again. My insides clenched.
“You’re the one who told me to dress up.”
“Mmm, I did. Now close your eyes.”
I put a hand on my hip.
“Why?”
“Because it’s surprise, that’s why.”
I rolled my eyes but did as he said. I felt him walk around behind me and cover my eyes with one of his hands whilst the other rested on my shoulder.
“Now turn around and step forward for me.”
I did as he asked, letting him guide me through the house and wondering what the fuck he was playing at. I heard my heels tapping across the kitchen tiles so I roughly knew where we were. He told me when to take a step as we walked down into the conservatory and brought me towards the patio doors. I knew because I felt the warm breeze fluttering across my bare skin.
“You ready?” he asked, his mouth right next to my ear.
“The anticipation is killing me.”
“Watch it or I’ll punish that smart mouth of yours later.”
I grinned and felt him lower his hands.
“Open your eyes, firestorm.”
I took a breath before I did. My hand went to my mouth immediately. My heart hammered in my chest and I felt as though all of my breath was stolen away.
“Brent…” I whispered, utterly at a loss for words.
I knew Dante must’ve helped him with this because there was no way he could’ve it done alone. From one of the trees hung a curtain of fairy lights and before it was a table set for two. On the table was a vase of blue irises which were my absolute favourite flowers. It was almost like a fairy tale setting. Far too romantic and sappy, but right then, I really didn’t give a shit. He’d done this for me. Just for me.
“I can’t take you out on a proper date yet because of everything going on with Max, but I can do this.”
I didn’t really want to be reminded of Max, but I understood completely. I looked up at him as he came around and stood next to me.
“Thank you. It’s perfect.”
“Yeah? Not going to tell me it’s too over the top and you hate romantic bullshit?”
I shook my head, stepping closer and looping my arms around his neck.
“I love you so much, you know that? I can’t believe you and Dante did this for me. How did you convince him?”
He smiled and it lit his whole face up.
“Liora told him if he didn’t help me, she’d make him sleep in the nursery whilst she slept in their bed with Logan.”
“I can’t imagine he was too happy about that.”
“He got all huffy and told her she was walking a fine line. Personally think the sooner they can fuck again the better.”
I wrinkled my nose.
“Gross, I don’t really want to think about my brother having sex. I already hear enough about Jensen and Fi’s sex life.”
His smile got wider.
“Yeah, okay, so have I. Too much really.”
I kissed his cheek. I may have told him about me winding Jensen up during our session. He took my hand and tugged me over to the table, pulling out my chair like a proper gentleman. He poured me a glass of juice since I wasn’t drinking due to being pregnant and all.
“Who made this?”
We had steaming plates of my absolute favourite dish in the world… mac and cheese.
“I did.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“You made it?”
“What? I can cook. Okay, so Liora may have supervised to make sure I did it right.”
I laughed and shook my head. It was sweet of him to do this for me, but I wasn’t going to admit it. He knew I hated sweet and romantic even if I was secretly overjoyed at the effort he’d gone to.
“Well, excuse if me whilst I tuck in. Me and the baby a
re starving.”
I heard him chuckling as I dug in and stuffed a huge forkful of cheesy pasta in my mouth. I practically moaned in delight.
“Oh my god, it’s so good,” I mumbled through a mouthful.
He rolled his eyes at my inability to act ladylike. He knew what he’d signed up for with me.
“Well, I’m glad you think so.”
I reached over and squeezed his hand, making sure to swallow before I spoke.
“You’re amazing.”
His eyes twinkled and adoration spread across his features. As much as I hated it, Jensen was right. Forgiving myself and Brent for what happened in the past was the only way forward and I realised right then, I had. This man right here was my one.
We spent the rest of the meal winding each other up and bickering in the way we always did. He was adamant I needed to move downstairs with him, whereas I wanted to stay in my room. He had a point though. When the baby came, we’d need our own space.
“I’ll move down on the condition you let me redecorate.”
He raised an eyebrow before shaking his head and sighing.
“Fine, just don’t go crazy, okay?”
“Me? I’ll have you know I plan only to brighten the place up. The lack of natural light is limiting so we need to remedy in other ways.”
I already had so many ideas and a plan to convert his second bedroom into a nursery. We could be happy there together with our own little family and still be close to Dante and Liora.
“When you put it like that, how can a man resist?”
“Oh shut up. Just you wait, you’ll be wondering how you spent so long in the dark by the time I’m done.”
There was still the option my own place with Fi, but we had tenants and well, if we were having a baby, it would be better for us to be close to Dante and Liora so we could have that support network.
“I trust you.”
Those three words warmed my heart and the way he looked at me stole my breath from my lungs. I often wondered how I never noticed it before. Noticed the way his eyes lit up when I was around. The golden flecks more pronounced and the hazel colouring so vivid.