by Sarah Bailey
Jen had never told me that and she’d said a lot of things to me about her feelings towards her father. Dante said nothing. He walked around the sofa and pulled her into his arms, stroking her hair.
“I’m so proud of you. I don’t tell you that, but I am. You’ve grown into a remarkable woman, both you and Fi have. You’re going to make an amazing mother. And even if I think it’s too soon, I’m pleased Logan’s going to have a cousin of a similar age to him. You deserve so much, Jen. I know you two thought I might be pissed off about your relationship, but I’ve always known how he feels about you. I trust him with my life and therefore yours.”
I could see Jen shaking and I knew she’d started crying. The smallest things set her off at the moment, which annoyed her no end.
“Dante… I…”
“Shh, I know.”
She pulled away and stared up at him.
“When… when we get married, will you give me away?”
His face softened and he kissed her forehead.
“I’d be honoured to.”
“Thank you… I know I’m a brat and it drives you crazy, but I do appreciate you. I mean, I love you as well and all.”
He shook his head and rolled his eyes.
“Love you too… I need to go speak to Liora about all of this. You going to be okay?”
She nodded. He patted her shoulder before striding out of the room. Jen slumped on the sofa next to me and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
“You okay, firestorm?”
Her blue eyes met mine.
“Are you annoyed about me going to see Dad?”
“No. I just wish you’d told me before.”
She sighed and rubbed her face.
“I was scared to. Everything with him is so complicated. This is about me and my closure. I know you support me, but it’s something I have to do with Fi.”
“And Jensen it seems.”
She gave me a sly smile.
“Jealous?”
“What? No.”
Okay, so maybe I was a little. Not because there was anything between them. I wanted to be the one Jen relied on. I knew I couldn’t get annoyed about it. Jensen helped Jen in ways I never could.
“He’s coming as moral support, he won’t actually talk to Dad. I don’t know if Fi will either, but I need her there.”
“And you don’t want me there.”
She reached out and took my hand.
“I don’t know that I’ll be able to say what I need to if I know you’re there.”
As much as it killed me, I also understood where she was coming from. She had something to prove to herself. And I would never stand in Jen’s way.
“I didn’t tell him about the baby, but he knows we’re together.”
“I won’t be telling him about it either. He doesn’t get that right. He’s nothing to me anyway. If I do this, then I’ll be okay. I’m stuck in the past and I need to move forward. I have to do it for me and for us.”
I stroked her hand with my thumb. My firestorm. Such a strong woman. She knew what she needed to make things right in her own mind. And she had all the support she needed.
“It doesn’t mean I don’t need you.” She moved closer, reaching up to put her hand on my chest. “I don’t want to be without you ever again.”
“No?”
She shook her head.
“I need you and our baby needs you.”
My voice stuck in my throat. I’d never get over it. Having Jen so open and honest with me. Her heart was mine. Everything about her. And I was hers.
“I’m right here.”
“I know.”
And I’d be here for her forever.
Chapter Twenty Seven
Jennifer
Everything with Max was settled now. He’d been removed as head of his company pretty quickly and replaced by a new managing director which meant I no longer had to deal with his stupid face. The new guy, Dillion Poole, was a nice. I’d had a meeting with him yesterday. He was looking forward to a long partnership with Bensons. Dante was happy since it meant we were able to move forward with our expansion plans. I was glad everything we’d worked so hard for wouldn’t crash and burn. We were going to be okay. The company was safe and the only way from here was up.
Tomorrow I was going to see my dad which made me equal parts nervous and terrified. Right now, I was sat with Liora in the conservatory with cups of tea and a plate of biscuits in between us. Dante was upstairs taking a nap with Logan. He was exhausted after being up half the night on baby duty to allow Liora to get some sleep. They seemed to be sharing the parenting duties which surprised me, but Dante was determined to be a good father to Logan unlike our own had been to us.
“So… you wanted to talk?”
I nodded slowly, cupping my mug in my hands.
“Jensen said I should speak to you about my fears of becoming a mother.”
She gave me a soft smile as she reached out and took one of my hands.
“You think I wasn’t terrified?”
“You’ve not really talked about it.”
“I still am. I just got thrown in the deep end and half the time I wonder if I’m even doing a good job. I’ve got a small person relying on me completely for everything. Anyone who says they’re not terrified is lying.”
I took a sip of my tea, processing her words.
“Don’t get me wrong, having Logan is amazing, but he’s hard work even with Dante being there for me every step of the way. You’d be surprised at how much he does. Hell, I’m surprised half the time.”
I smiled. Dante doted on Logan. I’d seen the way he watched his son and the tenderness in his expression.
“Overprotective brother… overprotective father.”
She rolled her eyes, letting go of my hand to snag a biscuit.
“So, talk to me. What’s bothering you?”
I sighed and drummed my fingers on the table. So many things I didn’t even know where to start. Life was about to change drastically and in ways I wasn’t prepared for. It’d already changed so much in the past few months. Well, if I’m honest, things had started changing the moment Dad was sent down for the murder of my mother. Life had never really been the same and I wasn’t unhappy about it. That change had been good for all of us.
“The usual things. Like can I do this? Will I even be good at it? But I suppose that’s not really the issue. Everything has happened so fast. I know I love Brent and I want this baby so much, but at the same time, it’s massive adjustment. I’ve never had a real relationship before. And now I’ve got impending motherhood to contend with on top of it.”
She nodded and finished chewing on her biscuit before she answered.
“Of course, it’s a big, big change, but if anyone can cope with it, it’s you, Jen. You’re one of the strongest and most determined people I’ve ever met. You’ve got all of us, but really, I know it doesn’t help much with the constant doubts and worrying you can’t do this. But you really aren’t alone in feeling this way.”
It might seem small to everyone else but having someone who’d been through the same thing as me, made this a little easier. The ache in my chest lessened.
“And I’ve got Brent.”
She grinned.
“Hmm, yes, you do, for all your protestations of hating him.”
I shrugged, rolling my eyes.
“Yeah, okay, I was stupid and blinded my determination not to like him. Learnt my lesson now. Not letting that one go.”
“Even if he still annoys the shit out of you?”
I laughed. Oh, he most definitely annoyed me on a daily basis. That would never change no matter how much time passed. Brent knew exactly how to push all of my buttons and he took full advantage of it.
“Yeah, even despite that… Okay, I have an embarrassing question.”
Her eyes narrowed. She was used to me asking her stuff she didn’t want to answer,
especially about her and Dante. Liora wasn’t a prude, she just preferred to keep the intimate details of her relationship with my brother private.
“What is it?”
“Did you get ridiculously horny? Between you and me, I think I might be wearing Brent out.”
She put a hand over her eyes and groaned.
“I didn’t want to know that!”
I chuckled.
“Just answer the question.”
“Maybe a little bit, but do not tell your brother I said that.”
I leant forward.
“Really?”
She dropped her hand. Her faced was flushed.
“Yeah… I thought I was going crazy. Dante certainly didn’t complain, but some days it was all I could think about. It was so bad at work.” She lowered her voice. “There I was trying to concentrate on getting the feed right for the animals and all I could think about was getting home and well… you know.”
I grinned. Oh, she knew exactly how I felt at work when I desperately wanted Brent to come rescue me.
“Oh, I definitely know. I harass him to come into the office.”
“You don’t!”
“I do and well… he can’t really resist.”
She burst out laughing and shook her head.
“So that’s why he keeps disappearing on us. I won’t tell Dante about your extracurricular activities. He supports your relationship, but I doubt he’d be to impressed about the two of you doing that during work hours.”
I shrugged. Needs must. I was sure things would even out eventually. My hormones were just all over the place at the moment. It wasn’t as if all Brent and I did was fuck. We’d discussed plans for redecorating downstairs and he was looking into contractors since I was busy with work. He wanted to take that weight off my shoulders since he said I already had enough on my plate.
“How are you feeling about seeing Zach tomorrow?”
My hand around my mug stiffened.
“Honestly? Whilst I know I have to do it, I’m also scared shitless.”
“Don’t blame you. It’s been years since I last saw him, but even I didn’t relish going to the prison. Is Fi okay about it?”
I sighed. When I told her, she’d immediately said she was coming with me and I couldn’t stop her. I hadn’t wanted to. Having my sister there would give me the strength to go through with it. As well as Jensen who’d been instrumental in my healing process.
“No, but she told me she would never let me go without her. Not when it’s such a monumental thing, you know. I didn’t think I’d reach a stage where I’d want to speak to him ever again.”
“I think you’re incredibly brave after everything he put you through.”
I gave her a tight smile. I suppose this could be considered brave, but I saw it as a necessity in order for me to move on.
“Thank you… I mean for everything. You’ve been the glue keeping our family together since Dad went to prison, and you’ve made Dante happy, so I want you to know how much I appreciate that.”
Tears welled in Liora’s eyes so I got up, walked around the table and gave her a hug. I meant every word. Even if what Dante did to get her here was fucked up, she’d still been the catalyst for the change we all needed.
“You, Fi and Ellie are like the sisters I never had. I’m so happy you and Brent finally found your way to each other. You deserve to be happy, Jen. You all do.”
And I swear to god I couldn’t stop the waterworks from her words either.
Stupid pregnancy hormones.
***
Fi grasped my hand tightly under the table. Jensen sat on the table behind us just to make sure we were okay. He wouldn’t interfere no matter how much he wanted to protect Fi and me. We were in a prison. What could my dad do other than talk to us? Nothing.
“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” she whispered.
“Me either.”
Closure. That’s why I was here. And a small part of me really wished I hadn’t told Brent to stay at home.
The moment our dad walked in, my skin prickled and my stomach dropped. He looked older than when we’d last seen him. Perhaps prison life had done that to him. He sat down in front of us, his blue eyes sweeping over me and Fi. The lines around his eyes were more pronounced and his hair was almost completely grey. Unsurprisingly, he was immaculately dressed in a pale blue shirt and chinos.
“I must say this is unexpected.”
His voice. It made my heart pound in my chest and not in a good way.
“Hello Dad,” Fi said.
He inclined his head before his eyes fell on me.
“Jennifer.”
“Dad,” I practically hissed.
A smile crept across his face and it just plain pissed me off. I wasn’t here to get angry though. That wouldn’t help anyone.
“What brings my two daughters to my doorstep? You’ve never shown any interest in seeing me before.”
“Why would we?” Fi said. “You’re not worth our time.”
If he cared about Fi’s statement, he didn’t show it.
“My question still stands. Why are you here?”
Fi looked at me, giving my hand a squeeze. All the words I’d gone over in my head time and time again weren’t forthcoming. I looked back, finding Jensen’s eyes. He gave me a reassuring nod as if to tell me ‘you’ve got this’ and in that moment, I believed him. I turned back to my father and met his eyes.
“I have some things to say to you.”
He put his hands out.
“Then by all means, speak.”
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. Now I was here in front of him, the memories were no longer there haunting me. In this setting, surrounded by prison walls and guards, I didn’t feel so intimidated by the man in front of me. He couldn’t harm me again.
“I spent years wondering why. Why would my own father do something so horrific to his own children? Not just to me, but to all four of us. What you did haunted me for so long. So many nights for the past twelve years I’d wake up screaming, scared you’d take something or someone else away from me.”
I took a breath. His expression hadn’t changed. His hands were settled on his chest as he leant back in his chair, appraising me.
“The thing is, Dad, I don’t live in fear anymore. Not since I realised you have no power over any of us. And whilst your stupid mind games with Marcus might have only caused me more pain, it doesn’t matter. They did something else too. Taught me that no matter what, the people who really care about me will always protect me.”
I let go of Fi’s hand and pointed at him.
“You know what you did? Failed to protect any of us. Failed to keep us safe over and over again. And you deserve to sit in this prison for everything you did. You don’t deserve this visit nor to ever meet your grandchild or any future grandchildren. You’ll never see their first steps, watch them grow up and have their own families. It’s really too bad you can’t see how your own children have thrived despite everything you did. And you don’t deserve it either.”
I placed both my hands on the table. His lip twitched and his small reaction gave me a sense of satisfaction. My words affected him even if he didn’t want to show it.
“When I leave here, I won’t think about you again. I don’t need to. You’re nothing to me, Dad. Nothing at all. And you know why? Because I forgive myself for all of my mistakes. For all of my regrets. For all my pain. All of it taught me how to live. To strive for better and to never accept anything less than I deserve.”
I hadn’t planned on saying this next bit. Hadn’t thought I’d ever want to reveal any of it to him, but now I was seeing him, I knew this would probably hit him harder than anything else.
“Before we leave, I have one last thing to tell you. Brent and I are getting married. You can’t walk me down the aisle, Dad, and I wouldn’t want you to anyway. You know who will? Dante. And you know why? He’s been th
ere for us. He’s my father figure, unlike you. And he’s a wonderful father to his son who you’ll never know.”
I stood up, not wanting to hear any of the venomous words which might spill from his mouth when I was done. My hand went to my stomach.
“It’s really a pity you won’t get to see my wedding day nor will you get to hold your grandchild growing inside me. The choices you made landed you in here and it’s the best place for you. Goodbye Dad.”
I turned and walked away. Jensen put a hand on my arm to stop me. I looked down at him. He gave me a smile and I knew I’d done good. He let go of me and I proceeded to the door, not once looking back. When I walked through into the lobby, a sense of freedom burst through my chest, warming me from the inside out. I sat down on one of the plastic chairs to wait for my sister and her boyfriend. I didn’t feel too good about leaving Fi in there without me, but she had Jensen.
The one person I wanted to talk to now was Brent, but we’d had to give our phones in at the desk when we signed in. I’d see him when I got home and tell him all about it. He’d be proud of me. I was glad I’d done this without him. I needed to for me. To prove to myself I could stand up to my dad. To prove I wasn’t scared of him any longer. He couldn’t hurt me. He couldn’t do anything.
Ten minutes later, Fi and Jensen walked out hand in hand. I stood at their approach before my sister let go of her boyfriend’s hand and enveloped me in a hug.
“I’m so proud of you,” she whispered. “You did amazing.”
I looked at Jensen over my shoulder. His green eyes twinkled with pride too. I put an arm out. I mean, yes, this was Fi’s boyfriend and my therapist, but he was also my friend. He hesitated for a moment before joining the two of us. A three way hug was a little odd at first, but I needed this.
“You were both brave,” he said. “I think we can say your official time as a patient is over, Jen. But I’m always here if you need to talk.”