I bury my face against my pillow and cry. The worst thing about all this is the wasted time and the dreams I had… dashed. I’ve always been one of those girls who’s wanted to get married, have kids. I thought with Ian I might have that sooner rather than later, him being an older guy and all. I’d hoped he would be ready for all that and I wouldn’t have to wait years. Turns out he never intended to propose, never would’ve given me kids…
A man who could chuck out the possessions of someone he was meant to have loved… that’s not a man with the potential to become a father, a husband…
That’s a squalid degenerate.
And I was his girlfriend… for over three years.
Wow.
What a dumb bitch I am.
Paul comes towards me, moving up the bed. I still have my face pressed into the pillow, sobbing, when he pulls the duvet back a little to stroke my hair.
“I ought to take Theo and Steve round there and fucking smash his shit up. What a tosser.”
I bite back a snicker, loving his aggrieved tone of voice, though I can’t imagine Paul ever hurting anyone. He’s not like that. I know his brothers, his mum and dad, his cousins and his grandparents. We all grew up knowing each other’s families. I know who Paul is. He isn’t remotely like Ian. The problem is, I’m ready for marriage now. I’m ready to have a family and settle down, be in love and buy a house. I want to have that closeness we had the other night. I want to lie in bed together every night forever, holding each other, nothing between us.
However, Paul might not ever want those things. I seem to fall for these men who are hopeless and want exactly the opposite of what I do.
We’ve liked each other for years and it’s been no secret, but he never acted on it until he saw me miserable and thought he could save me. Well, he well and truly fucked it all up. I didn’t get to save myself and dump Ian. I got thrown out, made to feel like a tramp and saw the true colours of a wretch I once thought I loved.
Wasted time.
“Let me make you some toast and a cup of tea and we can talk about it.” Paul moves the covers back a few inches more, stroking my cheek and reaching for my hand.
I consider his offer for a moment, knowing he’s not just offering tea and toast, but possibly another night of complication.
I know exactly how I feel and what I want, but he doesn’t. He’s clueless and I don’t need that, not after everything I’ve been through.
“Paul, unless you’re here to tell me you’re serious about us, we can’t be friends anymore. I’m sorry, but we crossed the line. You didn’t just fuck me, you made love to me. You kissed every inch of my body. I swallowed your cum. You held me as I slept. You kissed me even as you flooded my body. You made me feel things I’d never felt, but sadly it came at a cost. I was working up to leaving him. I was getting there. I feel like this is worse. And the only thing that would make me feel better is you finally admitting I’m the one. Otherwise, you can shove your tea and sympathy toast right where the sun don’t shine.”
I wait for him to prove me wrong, but he only ends up proving me right.
He leaves the house, posting the key back through the letterbox.
I pull the duvet back over my head and stare at the blackness in front of me.
It’ll take time, but I’ll get me back.
Chapter Seven
It’s summer, August to be precise. I turned twenty-five a couple of months ago and I can’t believe I’m watching my friend get married who’s the same age as me. I know Marie already got married and now has a baby boy, but this is different. This is Adam, the most laidback guy who never, not once when we were growing up, ever expressed an interest in settling down. But now he’s marrying his Susan and it’s official and everything.
Being a beautiful sunny day, they’re marrying outside on the lawn of Oulton Hall, a beautiful 18th-century former country pile turned hotel. There are white chairs set out in rows, decorated with ribbons, and the aisle has a floral arch all the way down. It’s picturesque. All I can think is that Susan’s family must be loaded because I know Adam’s aren’t. They still live in a terrace house in one of the worst parts of Leeds, though Adam’s now a copywriter and earns a decent wage befitting of his Susan.
The music starts and I turn to look at Theo beside me. Theo and I have been spending more time together recently, ever since I broke up with Ian. There’s nothing between us in that way, we’re just friends, but he is a comforting constant and I’ve begun to rely on his kind, listening ear more than anyone else’s.
I haven’t told anyone about what happened between me and Paul, and I don’t think he has either – because nobody has come up and asked me straight, “Did you and Paul really…?” I can’t even tell Theo because I’m still cut up about it all – and also embarrassed and ashamed. Cheating is not something to be proud of and certainly not something anyone would ever expect of me.
“Are you okay?” I whisper, squeezing Theo’s hand as Susan floats down the centre aisle.
“She looks beautiful,” he says, quickly swiping at the unwelcome tear balancing on his lashes.
As bride walks towards groom, he wipes a tear away, too. Shocking, as Adam has never been a crier for as long as I’ve known him. Maybe this is why Theo’s so cut up – she has that effect on people.
I don’t think there’s a dry eye around, except for mine, and that’s only because of what happened to me eight months ago. My heart is frozen shut because that’s the only way to survive, right?
I lean over and whisper into Theo’s ear, “Aren’t you sad about him marrying off? I am.”
He leans into me and whispers against my ear, “Hush, Lily. Later.”
Theo is the most camp of all the men I know and yet he’s absolutely straight. He has to be because he has a crush on Susan. I mean, he’s gorgeous and a lovely man, so why can’t I love him? Surely, he could be turned to monogamy? Eventually they all have to accept that people only live longer if they have a significant other at their side, rabbiting on about eating healthy, drinking less and getting enough sleep – right?
Only problem is, I’ve had to listen to him constantly bore on until the wee hours on many an occasion, going over and over his crush on Susan and what there is to be done about it. Perhaps Theo and I should resign ourselves and get together as life partners or something. At least he’s not an abusive thug. Plus, he’s the only friend I can stomach right now, because all my female friends either want to know the ins and outs of me and Ian – or set me up on a blind date to help me ‘move on’. Yeah, right.
Theo squeezes both hands around mine and looks sombre as he watches his best friend prepare to marry his bride. She really does look beautiful, though. Her dress is simple, elegant, silk with a lace overlay. High collar, buttons galore, dainty cuffs, also buttoned. Her train isn’t extravagant, not simple either. Her dark-brown hair is in an updo and rather than a veil, she’s gone for twinkling hair decorations and a sizeable tiara. She’s slender but incredibly feminine. As she glides towards Adam, to the tune of ‘All of Me’ by John Legend, I wonder if this is the start of it…
Weddings… then babies… then we all drift apart.
Susan and Adam are certainly setting a precedent by having a civil ceremony, turning their backs on Adam’s Catholic upbringing and her Polish-Jewish traditions. They’re off on a new adventure, starting their own unique dynasty… if that’s what they want.
God, I wish that was me.
As the ceremony gets underway, Theo drinks a swig from the hip flask he just took out of his pocket. Passing it to me, I take a sip too. Then I take his hand and hold it again as we watch the apparent love of his life say ‘I do’ to his best friend. Worse yet, he’s been asked to do a reading and is working his way up to it, I know.
When the time comes for him to get up and read Sonnet 116, my heart breaks for him as he walks to the front, belts it out like a true orator and even smiles.
I’ve tried to convince him it’s not healthy for
him to linger on her, that it’s a crush and when it comes to love, that goes a whole lot deeper than lust, which is what he’s probably feeling. But who am I to talk? I haven’t been with anyone else since Paul. I’m in love with him. I think about him every minute of every day. For me, he’s what Susan is to Theo. The difference is, I’ve tasted the goods and it’s too late for me. Perhaps Theo still has a chance of getting over his crush and finding someone who feels the same way about him.
When Theo returns to his seat he’s shaking and I put my arm around him. He takes another drink and looks down into his lap, perhaps blocking out what comes next.
After the ceremony is over and everyone’s thrown the confetti and drinks are starting to emerge on the lawn, served by waiters on silver trays, Theo rushes off into the trees behind us and I’m about to go after him when Paul comes up to me, dashing and gorgeous in a grey suit, being that he’s one of Adam’s many ushers. I thought if anyone might be Adam’s best man it would be Paul, who he’s known since they first started playing football together as seven-year-olds. If not Paul, then perhaps Theo, who joined our school late on but hit it off with Adam before he made friends with anyone else. The pair of them share the same passion for high culture and literature. And yet, for some reason, Adam went with a colleague from work as his best man. This guy, who none of us know, organised a stag do at a pool club and put £50 behind the bar. They were buying their own drinks after the first round and from what Theo told me, they tied the guy to the toilet and tore Adam away, taking him clubbing. I do wonder if Susan had a say in who was to be his best man. After all, Theo, Paul and our ever-absent friend Tom (working abroad), plus the regular stragglers, would all have foisted a wild stag night on Adam, who has rarely been allowed out since he met the girl. Chloe and Marie refuse point blank to discuss what it is they dislike about Susan, and all Saskia ever does when she’s mentioned is pull a face. For someone so desperate not to get wrinkles, that kind of says it all. The consensus among us all is: Susan bad, Adam whipped.
“I’ll go,” Paul says, brushing a kiss across my cheek before running after Theo.
I touch my cheek and it’s scalding. If that isn’t evidence enough that I’m past the point of no return, I don’t know what is.
After the speeches and the cake is cut, there’s a break before the night-time festivities. I have a taxi booked for ten p.m. so after the first dance and a bit of buffet food later on, I’ll be out of here. Theo can come with me, or I’ll go alone, I don’t care. I’ll be gone, though. Done my duty. Done.
I’m currently wandering the halls of this beautiful stately wedding venue, admiring the art with a glass of fizz in my hand. I’m all cried out after listening to the father-of-the-bride speech. It hit home that Adam has actually found himself a really lovely girl and he’s happy. For so long we’ve all sat around and bitched about Susan as if she’s the devil incarnate, taking Adam away from us, when actually he couldn’t have found a nicer girl and we ought to bloody well grow up. I suppose maybe what we don’t like about her in reality – is that she and Adam are making all the rest of us look bad. They’re dedicated to one another, committed and truly happy. Would Susan put up with a boyfriend who constantly called her paranoid, even when she wasn’t? Nope. Susan’s solid, that’s why Adam’s happy. That’s why he’s no longer a layabout. He has his Susan. None of us can compete with her. She outshines us all. No wonder Theo is fucking in love with her, she’s a dream, a fantasy… a beauty, too.
I leave the house, having seen enough of the interiors, heading out into the grounds. I need to find a bench in a quiet garden or something. Walking along the chequered hallway floors, I inhale the scent of summer as it floats into the house. It’s a hot day and all the floral arrangements are pungent, but also the grass outside smells freshly cut and the insects are at work on several big pots of lavender.
I’m lucky. Everyone is inside checking into their hotel rooms. I’m not staying, which means I can avoid Sass and Marie’s interrogation later on when all the other guests have thinned out and they’re still making me do shots. Chloe isn’t here today because she’s backpacking around Australia with Cole. It’s her last big holiday before she starts her final year of law school. I think it may also be their last-ditch attempt to make a failing relationship work, given that Chloe has a packed social calendar, works long hours and drinks far too much, often falling into bed with random men. Strangely, Chloe must have known this trip would exempt her from attending this wedding.
I find a spot to watch the golfers and stand under the shade of a tree, enjoying the peace and harmony of no drama, no questions, no groaning from Theo and no severely depressed people needing me all the time. Today I can just be Lily.
Then footsteps near me, breaking the moment.
“You look beautiful today. Absolutely stunning, actually.”
I groan inwardly, hating that his compliment makes me feel good. I keep my back to him, watching the golfers down below, not acknowledging I want to speak to him.
“I put Theo in a taxi home. He’s in a right state. I was worried he was going to say something stupid; he was drinking heavily through the wedding breakfast.”
“That was wise, he is a mess,” I admit, because talking about someone else’s mess is certainly better than talking about ours.
Earlier, I was put on a table of singles which meant I wasn’t seated with any of my old friends. Two guys tried to chat me up and I shot them down without letting them have a real go. I must have seemed like the ice queen, but better they know now.
“Lily—”
“Don’t start, Paul.”
I know that tone in his voice. He wants to make reparations or something… be friends again.
Rubbish.
As if it wasn’t bad enough that I had to sit on the singles table today! Lucky Paul, he brought his mother as his date and was seated with the wedding party. There he goes, being a good son again… a good friend.
Damn him.
He moves in front of me to face me and licks his lips, staring at my breasts and my mouth. He looks like he’s in love, but he’s not, is he? I’m only someone he wanted to save, because apparently that’s what Paul does. He saves people, including Theo, and me, I guess. Now I don’t have to drag Theo home later, drunk and crying, and I also don’t have to go back home to Ian, thanks to Paul.
He digs into his pocket producing a white card. A swipe card. A hotel room card?
He reaches out towards me and I’m about to protest at him touching me when instead, he opens the clasp on my tiny handbag and tucks the card inside.
“It’s room 208. Go up now, I’ll meet you there in half an hour. I’ll get us some champagne.”
He smiles and dashes away, leaving me in shock.
“Paul—”
It’s too late, because by the time I’ve got my senses back, he’s long gone.
There are many reasons I shouldn’t go, but the number one reason why I should is, fuck, he looks good in a suit.
Chapter Eight
I hate the truth, but here it is: men seem to be able to fuck without all the feelings, but women don’t, or at least the men in my life seem able to fuck whomever they like, when they like. Even Theo once admitted he’s been with girls he never had any intention of committing to or even seeing again. Call me old-fashioned, maybe. All the guys I’ve been with were people I deluded myself might one day become my husband.
It’s the ugly truth, but when a man demonstrates he likes a woman, often she reads a lot more into it than he does. He might see it as a sexual transaction, all while she’s hoping… imagining… perhaps even planning, secretly. And I’ve always hated the feeling… that vibe some men give off… like they’ll shag you, but they won’t give up their heart or their trust – because they had a bad experience in the past, therefore we’re all tarred. And still, it works vice versa, but more often than not, the woman (even if she’s not looking for a relationship) will still develop an attachment that the bloke is a
ble to somehow avoid. He walks away, the same as he was the day before, whereas she’s forever changed. Maybe I’m talking about myself, or maybe it’s the truth. Perhaps some blokes even agree with me that sex does cause feelings to develop pretty quickly, or maybe it’s a rare thing between two particular people.
So, this thing with Paul… it’s the most perplexing.
We’re friends. He stated he doesn’t want to ruin that friendship, nor do I, but he lunged at me last Christmas and it basically resulted in us fucking all night long, my relationship with Ian breaking up and my life forever changed. I often feel like I can’t go on, whereas he seems to be going about his business in the same way he always has. I even heard from Theo that Paul is still planning his trip to Asia.
I’m sitting in the hotel room, wondering what I’ll do when he arrives.
Did he plan this? Am I stupid for coming up here? Is he using me?
I don’t get it. If he wants to remain friends, he’s going a funny way about it. He wants to keep me in his life, but also cause me serious pain?
True, it’s a nice hotel room, decked out in clean, crisp linens and fancy furniture. It must have set him back. But perhaps he was intending to bring a girl, but brought his mother instead, and now I’m the consolation prize.
I decide I’m thinking about all this way too much when he arrives in the room carrying a bottle of champagne and two glasses.
“Good, you’re here,” he says, “wondered if you’d actually come.”
I don’t reply and instead let him stew on my silence.
He pops open the bottle and fills our glasses, passing me one. I’m sitting by the window in a wingback chair, but there’s not another nearby that he can sit in, so instead he sits on the edge of the bed.
Bad Friends Page 4