by James Veitch
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: March 4 7:10 pm
Winnie (may I call you that?), I agree. The transaction should be done smoothly. On that note, I’ve actually been making smoothies in the mornings—crushing up cashew nuts and almonds and adding oats and banana etc.—the sort of thing Nelson always liked for breakfast. They’re so delicious and healthy. Essentially, what I’m saying, Winnie, is that you and I could do worse than to consider getting into the smoothie business.
We could call it Winnie & James’s Smoothies.
Also, hummus; it’s going places.
From: Winnie Mandela
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: March 4 7:25 pm
But i told you to send me your identifications which you promised to send today. why haven’t you done so?
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: March 4 7:53 pm
Winnie, there’re loads of things to take care of before I do that. I want to know more about you. I can’t very well take so much money off you and become your investment manager without becoming friends first.
From: Winnie Mandela
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: March 4 8:09 pm
do you jump in the air to know more about me when i am known all over the world. have you not heard of me being the second wife of my late husband nelson Mandela ?
i told you to send me your photo to help me recognize you during my visiting you. what is knowing some one better than meeting with the person one on one ?
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: March 4 8:10 pm
When do you want to meet? I can’t do this weekend, unfortunately. I’m seeing a show then going dancing. Unless you wanted to come. What are your thoughts?
From: Winnie Mandela
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: March 4 8:35 pm
what do you mean by seeing a show then going dancing ?
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: March 4 9:09 pm
Would you prefer something more low-key like roller-disco? I’ve literally always wanted to do that.
From: Winnie Mandela
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: March 4 9:41 pm
EXPLAIN MORE BETTER TO ME ON WHAT YOU ACTUALLY IMPLYING HERE: low-key like roller-disco?
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: March 5 8:46 pm
I don’t know, Winnie. I’m playing jazz! Also, marketing idea below. Thoughts? Just say what you think.
From: Winnie Mandela
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: March 5 9:48 pm
i can only visit you when the transfer is completed.
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: March 5 10:24 pm
I’ll make the transfer this evening on my way home. But Winnie, do you ever feel like we should do something more with our lives? Not just this ramshackleness and chasing girls.
In the middle of the night do you ever turn the pillow over, feel its coolness on your cheek and think, “it’s the little things”?
From: Winnie Mandela
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: March 5 10:44 pm
i am the formal first lady to my late husband nelson Mandela. how could you be asking me such a foolish queries.
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: March 5 10:45 pm
W, I don’t think this is working out. I can’t find any houses in our price range. London is so expensive. Moreover, I went to the bank to see about getting a mortgage and I had a number in my head and the mortgage guy had another number in his head and, as it turns out, those were different numbers. His was actually a minus number.
In these situations I often ask myself, “what would Nelson do?” and the answer is, almost always, move slightly further outside London for cheaper prices.
You knew him best. Would he consider Aylesbury?
Keith
From: Catherine H.
To: James Veitch
Subject: (no subject) Date: December 17 5:22 pm
Dear James.
I could not inform anyone about our trip, because it was impromptu. we had to be in Manila, Philippines for a program. Our journey has turned sour. we misplaced our wallet, passport and cell phone.
I will be indeed very grateful if i can get a loan of 1,800 Euro from you. I promise to refund it in full as soon as I return
Catherine
From: James Veitch
To: Catherine H.
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: December 17 6:12 pm
Catherine,
Of course I can help you out. What happened? Is everything ok? How’s Keith doing?
From: Catherine H.
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: December 17 6:24 pm
James!
Am so glad you replied back..… Let me know if you are heading to the Western Union outlet now…
From: James Veitch
To: Catherine H.
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: December 17 6:34 pm
Of course. Don’t worry. How’s Keith though?
From: Catherine H.
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: December 17 6:49 pm
James, Keith is Fine please let me know. He’s having a meeting with the british embassy now to get replacement passports. Please go to the western union. I owe you A lot…
Catherine
From: James Veitch
To: Catherine H.
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: December 17 7:01 pm
Cat, I’ll pop along first thing tomorrow.
I must say though, Keith seems remarkably capable for a Yorkshire terrier. Last I remember he could roll over and woof for a treat; now you say he’s taking meetings at the British embassy? What are you feeding him???
China Jewellery Corporation
From: China Jewellery Corporation
To: James Veitch
Subject: Your registration request received Date: November 20 5:38 pm
Greetings Dear Candidate,
I found your CV in the Internet, and after reviewing it, we would like to offer you a Regional Manager position with our recently formed European department. There is no formal Interview process for this position and most of communication is done on-line.
Here is the position summary:
Position: Regional Manager
Base Remuneration: 2,950 EUR per month plus bonuses
Available in: UK, Portugal, Denmark
This is a home-based position, which means that you will be working remotely, online. Let us know when you can start.
Sorry for using Gmail address for communication, the company e-mail address will be provided in further communications.
Sincerely, Dominic Farnham
HR department
From: James Veitch
To: China Jewellery Corporation
Subject: I’m in! Date: November 26 3:44 pm
Dominic,
Sorry it took so long to get back to you. For some bizarre reason, your legitimate job offer ended up in my spam folder!
Great news about my C.V. I’m really glad I slapped that bad boy on the internet. What sort of job is it? I’m quite handy with a spanner.
I must confess, I like the cut of China Jewellery Corporation’s jib. Most other “companies” I’ve applied to make you jump through all sorts of hoops: references, interviews, applications etc. Most even demand you meet face to face. Ridiculous, right?
&nbs
p; Anyway, full disclosure: Denmark is off the cards for me for obvious reasons.
The salary is quite sufficient but it would be churlish not to haggle. I’ll take 2985 EUR per month and not a penny less. And I don’t work Tuesdays for obvious reasons. Are we agreed?
Yours, James Veitch
Regional Manager CHINA JEWELLERY CORPORATION
From: China Jewellery Corporation
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: I’m in! Date: November 27 11:57 am
James
We will be transferring money into your bank account. Your main job will be withdrawing the funds from your bank and transferring them using Western Union.
Best Regards, Dominic Farnham
HR Coordinator
From: James Veitch
To: China Jewellery Corporation
Subject: Your newest employee! Date: November 27 4:11 pm
Dominic,
This sounds like a great position!
I’m currently between jobs right now so I think I can make it work. One thing: I don’t work Wednesdays for obvious reasons.
Best Regards, James Veitch
Regional Manager CHINA JEWELLERY CORPORATION
P.S. Does it matter that I have a criminal record?
From: China Jewellery Corporation
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Your newest employee! Date: November 27 4:12 pm
Your crime was what
From: James Veitch
To: China Jewellery Corporation
Subject: Re: Your newest employee! Date: November 27 4:12 pm
Embezzlement from a jewelry firm.
From: China Jewellery Corporation
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Your newest employee! Date: November 27 4:13 pm
Not matter
From: James Veitch
To: China Jewellery Corporation
Subject: Re: Your newest employee! Date: November 27 5:20 pm
Excellent! All in the past anyway*.
This sounds like the sort of gig I can really get my teeth into. On that note, question: do you provide any form of dental insurance?
Jim
*fairly recently
From: China Jewellery Corporation
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Your newest employee! Date: November 27 5:25 pm
No, unfortunately we don’t provide dental insurance.
From: James Veitch
To: China Jewellery Corporation
Subject: Secretary Date: November 27 5:29 pm
Not a dealbreaker. I’ll just have to brush more :)
I’ll obviously need a secretary. Is it ok if we hire my sister, Louise? She’s a hard worker.
From: China Jewellery Corporation
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Secretary Date: November 28 2:17 pm
You can hire any body you want to be your secretary at your own expense.
From: James Veitch
To: China Jewellery Corporation
Subject: Re: Secretary Date: November 28 3:23 pm
Good to know, Dom. I’ve gone ahead and hired Louise. She wants to know whether there’s a dental plan. I told her there wasn’t one but can you please just reiterate to me that there is no dental plan?
Louise: “I can’t believe there’s no dental plan.”
J
From: China Jewellery Corporation
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Secretary Date: November 29 12:56 pm
THERE IS NO DENTAL
From: James Veitch
To: China Jewellery Corporation
Subject: Re: Secretary Date: November 29 1:04 pm
Gotcha. Thing is, Dom, Louise is actually quite hard to work with. We may have made a mistake hiring her in the first place.
I’ll keep you posted.
JV
From: China Jewellery Corporation
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Secretary Date: November 29 2:00 pm
You must send us your ID proving your identity, preferably a copy of valid Passport or DL. We require this for background check.
Sincerely, Dominic Farnham
From: James Veitch
To: China Jewellery Corporation
Subject: A few minor concerns Date: November 30 3:16 pm
Domanac,
This whole Louise thing isn’t working out. She takes a two-hour lunch break and, frankly, I can’t stand staring at her crooked teeth all day.
If only we had supplied dental. Is it ok to give her the boot? I’m going to hire my friend Thelma instead. She has nicer teeth and is, on the whole, more reliable.
From: China Jewellery Corporation
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: A few minor concerns Date: November 30 3:20 pm
Mr. Veitch,
You can hire any one you want but you must send us your passport before we can pay your salary. Please be serious with us.
From: James Veitch
To: China Jewellery Corporation
Subject: Not good news Date: December 1 11:40 am
Bad news, Domonoc. Louise has gone on strike over the lack of dental and Thema’s useless.
I asked her to make a scan of my passport and send it to you a few days ago and I’m nearly 100% certain she didn’t do it. I’m thinking of forgetting about this whole secretary business altogether.
From: China Jewellery Corporation
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Not good news Date: December 1 11:45 am
We have not received passport. Please be serious with us. We have many other candidates for the position at CHINA JEWELLERY CORPORATION. You must do as we say.
From: James Veitch
To: China Jewellery Corporation
Subject: Resignation Date: December 3 5:34 pm
We’re in bad shape here, Dom.
We needed some fresh blood so I hired Nigel as the new secretary. But this really pissed off Thelma and Louise who began picketing the offices over the absence of dental insurance. Now they’ve gone off on some sort of crazy road trip.
I hereby tender my resignation. It’s been a blast. Nigel’s doing his best but he’s only 12 years old so he finds it a bit overwhelming.
James Veitch
Former Regional Manager
CHINA JEWELLERY CORPORATION
Hong Kong
From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
Subject: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: January 5 12:04 pm
I am Mrs. Cho Mak, a staff of Dahsong Bank Hong Kong. I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you.
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: January 5 1:01 pm
Intimate away!
From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: January 6 6:04 am
Thank you for giving me your time, Let me start by introducing myself, I am Mrs. Cho Mak, a staff of Dahsong Bank Hong Kong.
A client deposited 13.9 million dollars in an account at the Dahsong bank. I was the officer assigned to his case; a few months later he was apparently dead and he listed no next of kin.
My proposal; I will nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the deposit to you. Upon receipt of the deposit, we share the proceeds 50/50.
Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Cho Mak.
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: January 6 11:33 am
Intimate no more. I am your man.
But Cho (may I call you Cho?), how can I pass for your client? What’s his name?
Question. Will I need to grow a mustache?
From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: January 7 7:12 am
Call me Cho. I am very glad to note that you are a noble, matured, and trustworthy person. I will do everything legally requir
ed to ensure that the project goes smoothly.
You do not need to grow a mustache.
Mrs. Cho Mak.
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: January 7 12:26 pm
I’m going to try and grow one anyway. One can never be too careful, Cho.
Meanwhile, do you think I should come to Hong Kong? How long does the transaction last? Will I have time to take in some of the sights? If so, what do you recommend? Bear in mind I get bored really easily.
From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: January 8 5:10 am
Dear James Veitch,
Coming to hong kong is not the problem, but first this task must be completed before planing to come to hong kong, and when this task is completed i will be glad to welcome you to hong kong. Please do you know that this is a laudable transaction we are into,
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: January 8 7:20 pm
Cho, I’ve looked at tickets and they’re pretty pricey. Cheeky question, but could I stay with you so I don’t have to get a hotel? Happy with sofa.
From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: January 9 4:22 pm
There is no need to come to Hong Kong. i do not mean you should come and see me I was expecting to receive a scan copy of your identity
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: January 9 4:38 pm
I’m not terribly good at computers, so I’ve been having some difficulty getting you a scanned copy of my ID. But I bought a laudable scanner on the internet and it should arrive soon.
The good news is that I’m pretty much packed. Can you confirm that they have KitKats over there? I’m partial to them and if they don’t, I’m going to have to bring my own.