by James Veitch
Can you give me the certificate that I need? Otherwise I cannot proceed with this business. I haven’t heard from you in days and this is making me very concerned.
From: Kamanda Koroma
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 25 12:00 pm
Dear Dr, James,
Thanks for your concern. I called the phone numbers you gave me, and the lady that picked up the phone told me that it’s Bank phone and that she did not know you.
I need to talk with you before we can proceed. We are in here for a very very serious business.
Regards,
Lt Kamanda.
From: James Veitch
To: Kamanda Koroma
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 25 12:30 pm
Kamanda,
I trust you implicitly, but the bank is getting well lairy about this certificate.
Can you please send to me immediately?
Yours, JV MD.
From: Kamanda Koroma
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 25 2:20 pm
Dear Dr, James,
When will you be answering phonecalls I have been making or call me on the number I have given you.
Regards,
Lt Kamanda.
From: James Veitch
To: Kamanda Koroma
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 26 10:10 am
Apologies. I have been exceptionally busy seeing patients.
Honestly, I can’t get the certificate from you and the other guy is being difficult. I don’t know what the consignment is. I’m beginning to think this might be one of those scams you hear so much about.
Dr. J
From: Kamanda Koroma
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 26 1:30 pm
Dr James,
I am not sure you are real at all, you gave me phone numbers of a Bank which I called and they say that you are not real, that they don’t know you, they even advised me to be very careful about you.
Now you suddenly turn to be a medical doctor seeing patients. And you can’t call me?
WHO ARE YOU??????????????? I am an Army Intelligent.
From: James Veitch
To: Kamanda Koroma
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 26 7:55 pm
Dear Kamanda,
There was never a shred of doubt in my mind that I was dealing with an intelligent.
To answer your questions, I see patients during the mornings and hold an advisory position at Goldman Sachs in the afternoons.
How can I prove to you that I am real?
How can you prove that you are real?
In truth, how can any of us prove that we are real?
I also golf professionally.
From: Kamanda Koroma
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 28 11:59 am
Dr James.
Hope all is well with you in that part of the world? haven’t really heard from you so lately. Please do try and write me my friend. I will await your mail.
Regards,
Lt Kamanda.
From: James Veitch
To: Kamanda Koroma
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 29 11:28 am
Kamanda,
All is going well here, thank you. I would like a picture of the consignment, please. What does it consist of? What do you need from me to complete this transaction?
From: Kamanda Koroma
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 29 11:32 am
Dr. James,
I will ask the Security Company to take the photo of the consignment and send to me, so that i will forward it to you by mail.
While you and I will use it for investment in Europe. Do send me any of your Valid ID by e-mail attachment. I will await your reply soon.
Regards,
Lt Kamanda.
From: James Veitch
To: Kamanda Koroma
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 29 11:38 am
Kamanda,
I will have my secretary scan my passport and driver’s license for me.
In the meantime, please find attached my Blockbuster video membership card.
From: Kamanda Koroma
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 29 12:26 pm
Dr. James,
Do try and send me your passport or your driver license. We need to pay off the demur rages before I can have access to the box.
I have forwarded the certificate of deposit to the safekeeping Company, so you have to contact them now and ask them to make delivery to you.
Regards,
Lt Kamanda.
From: James Veitch
To: Kamanda Koroma
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 29 12:40 pm
Kamanda,
Superb. This is GREAT news. I’ll contact the safekeeping company now and get them to send me the bling.
Look, Kamanda, can you take care of the fees and I’ll pay you back as soon as I’ve received the gems?
From: Kamanda Koroma
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 29 12:44 pm
Dr. James,
I did not have any money with me here, which was the reason while I contacted you to assist me make the clearance of the consignment.
Please do try and assist me make the clearance of the consignment. The safekeeping Company called me yesterday and said that you are asking them to open the box before you can be able to proceed. If the safekeeping finds out that the contents of the box is money and diamonds they will confiscate it, because it was deposited as family valuables not as money.
Regards,
Lt Kamanda.
From: James Veitch
To: Kamanda Koroma
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 29 1:04 pm
Lt Kamanda,
That’s fine. How much do you need?
From: Kamanda Koroma
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 29 1:14 pm
Dr, James,
Thank you for your mail. I just called the safekeeping Security Company Director now and he told me that he has already told you the amount needed to be paid to them to enable them process the needful documents to be able to deliver the box to your address.
Please Dr. do try and assist me. I really wanted to be out of this place, i am suffering so much here. Please help me.
Regards,
Lt Kamanda.
From: James Veitch
To: Kamanda Koroma
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: February 29 4:00 pm
Of course. I’m excited to get the consignment. I’m going to pay the money in the next few hours. There’s a Western Union really close by.
From: James Veitch
To: Kamanda Koroma
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: March 3 10:30 am
Kamanda, I tried to send it today, but they said I need some sort of number from you. Or a password or something. Can you help?
From: James Veitch
To: Kamanda Koroma
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: March 3 5:05 pm
Kamanda,
When can I expect to receive the shipment?
Do you need anything else from me?
I am anxious to get this resolved today as I am going on holiday tomorrow.
From: Kamanda Koroma
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: March 4 11:48 am
Okay give them this as the password. You are Ewu, or ogologo amu. please do that as soon as possible, the company is waiting.
Regards,
Lt Kamanda.
From: James Veitch
To: Kamanda Koroma
Will do this tomorrow. What does “ogologo” mean?
From: Kamanda Koroma
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: March 4 12:39 pm
Ogologo means a fine thing. Pls do.
From: Kamanda Koroma
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: March 5 11:00 am
Dr. James, what happen I did not hear from you again, what happened? all hope is well with you.
From: James Veitch
To: Kamanda Koroma
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: March 5 11:10 am
Thank you for your kind words, Lieutenant. Hearing from you again is an “ogologo”!
When can I expect to receive the shipment?
From: Kamanda Koroma
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: March 5 11:15 am
As I have said you must send the money before I can access the box.
From: James Veitch
To: Kamanda Koroma
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: March 5 11:16 am
Ah, yes. I completely forgot. I’ll do that momentarily.
From: Kamanda Koroma
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: March 6 10:35 am
Have you sent money?
From: James Veitch
To: Kamanda Koroma
Subject: Re: Honest and sincere Date: March 6 2:30 pm
I was about to, Kamanda; I was literally in the queue at Western Union, about to send some cash your way when I realized I’m still not sure that we are talking about the same Dora. The one I knew was quite literally the size of a postage stamp. Can you confirm this?
Coda
From: James Veitch
To: Solomon Oddonkoh
Subject: (no subject) Date: January 30 5:44 pm
Solomon, I expect you’ve sussed out that I’ve known from the start that you’re a scammer. And you know that I know that you know. So I was wondering whether you’d be willing to do an interview with me about what it’s like to be a scammer?
From: Solomon Oddonkoh
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: January 30 10:13 pm
i cannot believe i have been wasting my precious airtime with a mad man like you. What a waste is this?
You are a total disgrace to manhood.
Go fuck yourself..
fuck you asshole.
Acknowledgments
For Ma, Alan & Hannah
I’m grateful to a ton of people who’ve made this happen. So, thanks (in the order people come to mind—make of that what you will) to David Pogue for finding it funny enough for the New York Times, Charley Elliott and Max Shapira for the title, the French House, ramen and friendship, Gemma Corby because I miss her, Rebecca Soboti for a face and a fly, Fran Bushe for writing on a banana, Annabelle Berizzi, Claudia Laing, Lucia Brizzi and Lynsey-Anne Moffat for boundless enthusiasm, Tom Lamont for believing in it and me, Harry Hill for his generosity, Ed Griffiths and Lucinda Nicholson for being amazing, Joel Parsons for being insanely great, Robert Forknall for being marooned and Hannah Boyde for letting me know. Alex Kern, of course, whose hacked email account inadvertently began everything. Thanks to Matthew Harvey for being an exceptional agent, Winnie Mandela for stirring it up, Carla & Sophia Oddy for their art, my father for his support, Adam Barnard for suggesting I go to print and whomever mans the switchboard at Goldman Sachs for enduring God knows what. Thanks to RHM for beginning with the eyes. Big, massive thanks are due to Céline Hughes, Matilda Forbes Watson, Mollie Weisenfeld, Sarah Falter, Michael Barrs, Monica Oluwek, Fred Francis, Vicky O’Connell, LeAnn Falciani, Sabrina Taitz and the rest of the brilliant team at Hachette Books. Thank you to CB for having made my heart beat a little faster and to Jim Nolan for being the kindest person I know. And thank you, Solomon. Corresponding with you was a treat.
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About the Author
Comedian and writer James Veitch is renowned for his unashamedly nerdy and hilarious stand-up material. A former Apple Store Genius, Veitch’s comedy is high-tech: picking apart, parodying (and pranking) the fast-advancing and perplexing technology we live with. His live shows have explored technology, retro-gaming and finding love through troubleshooting theory.
James has sold out shows throughout the world as well as given three TED Talks—one of which is the most-viewed video on their YouTube channel. He currently holds the third most popular talk of all time on TED.com. He has written and performed two viral hit seasons of his show Scamalot with Mashable, made two appearances on TBS’s Conan and also supported Conan O’Brien on his national tour in 2018. James made his first appearance on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon in March 2019 and hosted the BAFTA Britannia Awards in October 2019. He recently filmed his first stand-up special at the Avalon Theater in Los Angeles, produced by Conan O’Brien and Conaco, which will air on HBO Max in 2020.
* Elena is dangling in front of me everything she thinks I want. Which makes me wonder whether I can return the favor. Who does Elena want? What’s her ideal mark?
* Godwin has sent me a phoney PayPal payment. The PayPal email looks legit until you look at the domain it’s been sent from (top left)—@mail2online.com, which is definitely not PayPal.com. Godwin is betting on me not checking my PayPal account before I ship the phone. Which explains the urgency…
* In 1996, someone wrote a tiny piece of software to generate (and then email) random, meaningless sentences. It’s been running ever since.
* These guys are masquerading as the Royal Bank of Scotland. What I love is that their email address is info@royalBS.