With Love, Caroline
Copyright Jennifer Hebbard 2019
No part of this work shall be copied or reproduced without the author’s permission.
ISBN-
Acknowledgements
Thank you to my Beta readers, Jeannie, Dolora and Dava- I know you are all just a comma placement and a missing letter away from insanity. Thank you for all you do.
Thank you to Jordan Gochenouer for helping me choose Ever’s name and for being as excited as I was at the beginning of this writing.
To anyone who has felt desperate and alone and kept on fighting. This is for you.
If you or anyone you know is feeling suicidal, please get help. I promise you; It does get better.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
With Love, Caroline
Jennifer Hebbard
CHAPTER ONE
Ever Rhodes was running late, again. As she dashed across campus to get to her nine am class, she saw students eating breakfast and enjoying the company of their friends. Sitting under trees and on benches, Ever was momentarily jealous of their laid-back attitudes, but she knew that in the last semester of her Senior year of college this was no time to slack off. She wanted to graduate with honors, and she would if she could just stay on track. As she ran across the lush spring grass towards the Mechanical building, her backpack bouncing heavily on her back she heard her cell phone ring. “Damnit” Ever exclaimed as she skidded to a stop right outside the building and dropped her pack on the ground to rummage through it. The ringtone of Taylor Swift’s Calm Down continued as she dug through notebooks, texts and random papers. Her fingers finally closed around the phone and she pulled it hastily out and looked at the caller ID. Ever smiled as she saw Caroline’s face on the screen. Caroline, the love of her life since Sophomore year of high school. After almost six years together Ever knew that Caroline was her one. She answered, still a bit out of breath from her run across campus and with not even thirty seconds to spare.
“Hey Babe, I’m almost late.”
“Hi baby, I’m sorry I called.” Caroline sounded a bit off to Ever, there was no animation in her voice at all but honestly Ever didn’t have the time to think too hard about it.
“It’s ok, I’m just running a bit behind today that’s all. Are you ok?” There was silence on the other end of the line for a long moment.
“Yes, I just wanted to say that I love you. I’ve always loved you Ever.” Ever thought she detected tears in Caroline’s voice but couldn’t be sure. She had been really emotional lately for some reason and all Ever had really been doing was trying to hang on for the ride. She was sure that it was just stress and that things would go back to normal once they graduated.
Just as Ever was about to tell Caroline that she loved her too she saw her friend Jordan running towards her. She needed to get Jordan’s notes for her Philosophy class and had been trying to catch up with her all week.” Jordan! Hey wait up!! I gotta run babe, I’ll see you tonight though ok?” Ever said already jogging towards where Jordan had stopped and waited for her.
“Ok. Bye.” Caroline said in a soft voice, almost too soft for Ever to hear her.
“Bye.” Ever said quickly and dropped the phone back into her bag and she caught up to her friend. It was that moment, that one millisecond of time in an entire life that Ever would remember, and regret for the rest of her days.
Ever only ended up by some miracle being a few minutes late for class and her entrance through the back of the auditorium went largely unnoticed. She sat down in the back and quietly removed her textbook and notes from her bag, sliding the Philosophy notes she had just gotten from Jordan in to a folder for later. She tried to pay attention to the lecture but her focus was off and her mind wandered. She thought about graduation and what that meant for Caroline and herself. She dreamed of the future, beyond the classroom and marveled at how fast these past four years had gone by. It seems it was just yesterday that her and Caroline were signing up for their first college courses together. They did everything together and Ever didn’t see that changing for the future, she didn’t want it to change. She smiled as she thought of when she would propose to Caroline. She didn’t have a set date yet, but she knew that she would do it and probably sooner rather than later now that they were through with college. Her mind continued to plan her future as the Professor continued to drone at the front of the class. Suddenly about thirty minutes into the lecture a feeling of dread more powerful than Ever had ever experienced hit her out of nowhere. She jerked in her seat as her arms flailed knocking her book and notes off of the desk to scatter along the floor. It felt like she had been hit by a cannonball directly in the chest. “Jesus Christ.” Ever whispered bending over in her seat, trying to catch her breath. She felt like she might pass out so she tried to take a couple of deep breaths and found it impossible.
“Is everything alright Ms. Rhodes?” The Professor asked more irritated that she had been interrupted than concerned with Ever’s well-being.
“I… I have to go.” Ever didn’t know what compelled her. She had never left a class early under any circumstances before but she knew right then in that moment that she needed to get home. She grabbed her bag and ran for the door leaving her scattered notes all over the floor. It didn’t matter, nothing mattered except getting home.
CHAPTER TWO
Ever and Caroline shared an apartment off campus just a few blocks away with their friend Mia. They had been living there for almost two years now. It wasn’t much, just an old renovated house that now held three apartments in it. Ever, Caroline and Mia lived on the top floor. They had furnished it with a mish match of thrift store finds and family donations. It wasn’t the prettiest place, but it was home. As she ran towards her house, she dug in her bag for her cell phone which she had shut off before entering her class. She found it and powered it up again never slowing her headlong pace. The first thing she noticed as five missed calls from Mia. That cemented in Ever’s mind that something was very wrong. She tried punching in Mia’s number as she ran but kept getting it wrong. She was almost home now and decided she would just see for herself what was going on instead of wasting time making a phone call. She put her phone in the back pocket of her jeans and redoubled her efforts the last half a block before their apartment. The first thing Ever saw when she turned the corner to the street where she lived were the red and blue lights. It seemed to her there were a million of them, every direction she looked in they flashed, coloring the surrounding area. The largest concentration of them seemed to be directly in front of her house, and there were uniformed officers standing on the lawn. Ever slowed and then stopped not at all sure she was ready to face whatever it was that had brought her here in the first place. That feeling of dread had stayed with her the entire way home and it amplified upon seeing all of the police activity. Unnoticed at first, there also sat an ambulance in her driveway. Something bad had happened, Ever felt it in her soul. “Caroline.” She whispered and picked up her pace to a fast walk. The first person she saw that she actually knew was Mia. Just as she started towards her Mia turned in her direction. The look of utter devastation on Mia’s face didn’t escape Ever, and she suddenly felt like she was going to throw up.
“Mia? What the hell is going on? Where’s Caroline?” Ever spoke rapidly grabbing Mia’s shoulders as she did.
“Ever, oh God Ever.” Mia collapsed into Ever’s arms and started sobbing. Ever pushed Mia back but kept hold of her. “Damnit Mia where is Caroline?” Mia tried valiantly to compose herself. She had to be the strong one now.
“Ever I came home early because my last class was canceled. I went into yours and Caroline’s room looking for one of you and I, I fo
und her Ever. She’s gone, she killed herself.
Ever staggered back a few steps. She stared at Mia as if she were an alien that had just landed in front of her. “What do you mean she’s gone? I just talked to her less than an hour ago! Killed herself? No, Caroline would never…” But that wasn’t exactly true and Ever knew it. For as long as she had known Caroline, she had bouts of depression. They used to get pretty bad back in high school but Caroline was seeing a therapist and on medication now things were better, or at least they had been. Ever suddenly broke free of Mia and ran full speed towards the front door of the house. She had to get to Caroline, she had to save her. She ran past two startled officers who immediately gave chase, grabbing her arm before she could enter the building.
“LET ME GO YOU FUCKERS.” Ever struggled with the officers. She punched and kicked and scratched. “I live here goddamnit! That’s my girlfriend in there!” A man with dark blonde hair carrying a medical bag exited the front door just then. He witnessed the struggle.
“Let her go. I’m through in there now. Give her some time.” The man must have held some authority because the officers immediately released their hold on Ever. Ever pulled away from the officers’ grips and mouthed a silent thank you to the man as she quickly passed him and entered the foyer and headed toward the stairwell. The man nodded, and with a sad expression on his face got into a sedan with the words “County Coroner” stenciled on the side doors and left the scene.
Ever started up the stair in what seemed to her to be slow motion. She felt like she was walking in tar, each step an enormous effort. She could see people standing outside of their doors, talking to one another but she couldn’t hear their words. Ever wanted this nightmare to just stop. She wanted to wake up next to Caroline and take her into her arms as she had done so many mornings. She wanted this dream like haze to end and for everything to just be normal again. She prayed for it but as she reached the top of the third landing and stood outside the door to her unit, she knew that this was real life and that the nightmares, they would come later.
Ever stood in front of her and Caroline’s bedroom door. The apartment was empty with the last officer leaving to stand outside the door to give her some privacy. It was quiet, too quiet. Ever stood with her hand on the doorknob, she couldn’t bring herself to turn it. She knew that what she would see on the other side would change absolutely everything forever. Ever took a deep breath and entered the room. Her eyes couldn’t understand everything she was seeing at first. Caroline lay on the bed, a white sheet pulled up to her forehead. Her blonde hair cascaded over the pillow under her head. Pill bottles lie around her on the bed and open on the nightstand next to her. Some had tipped over, their contents spilling out onto the table and the floor. There was a neat stack of sealed envelopes that sat next to the pill bottles and in front of a single plastic bottle of water with only a few sips gone from it. Ever walked slowly to the table, avoiding looking at Caroline, that would come soon enough. When she looked at the envelopes, she noticed that each contained the neatly printed name of a person close to Caroline written on the front. The envelope on top had simply “Mom and Dad” written. There was one for Caroline’s sister, Jill, and one with Mia’s name written on it as well. When Ever got to the last envelope her hand went to her mouth as she gasped. Written in Caroline’s flowery handwriting were the words “My Forever. An unhuman wail erupted from Ever’s mouth as she sunk to the floor in utter despair. She sat on the floor and sobbed until she couldn’t catch her breath, holding the envelope to her chest but not opening it. She finally made it to her feet again and stood swaying a bit looking down at Caroline. She reached down with shaking hands and took the top of the white sheet and pulled it down to uncover her head.
CHAPTER THREE
Caroline just looked like she was sleeping. Her skin had an almost translucent quality to it. She had always been fair; she had always been beautiful. Ever ran her hand along her face gently. She was cold and so still. Oh God, she was so still. Ever leaned down and kissed Caroline on the forehead over and over again. It was always one of Caroline’s favorite things when she did that; it always made her smile.
“Oh baby, you can’t leave me. I can’t do this, any of this without you.” Ever whispered in Caroline’s ear. “I need you so much, please come back.” Ever’s tears fell onto Caroline’s still face. Ever stayed like that for a long while. She continued to talk to Caroline as if she were still sitting in the room with her, but Ever knew she wasn’t there any longer. She could feel it. The absence left a gaping hole in Ever’s heart that she didn’t think she would ever be able to fill again. That’s how Mia found her an hour later, sitting on the bed next to Caroline’s body, holding her hand tightly and staring into space.
“Ever? Ever it’s Mia. Can I come in?” Mia couldn’t help the tears that continuously streamed down her face. Caroline had been her best friend since the sixth grade, and by extension, Ever had become one of her best friends as well. Her heart broke again as she watched Ever stare at her blankly as she continued to hold on to Caroline.
“Mia? Mia she’s gone.” Ever seemed to just realize that Mia was in the room.
“I know, sweetheart, and it’s time to let her go. There are people here that will take care of her now.”
Ever immediately started shaking her head violently. “No, I’m not leaving her,” she said and Mia nodded. She understood, but she needed to get Ever out of that room.
“She’s not here anymore, Ever. You can feel that can’t you?”
Ever began to cry as she nodded. She did know that, but she also knew that when she let go of Caroline this time, that it would be for the last time.
The days and weeks after Caroline’s suicide were the hardest of Ever’s life. She felt sad and numb and empty all at once. She felt like she was sleepwalking through Caroline’s funeral. She tried to be present, but it was all so overwhelming and she knew instinctively that if she let go of the tight rein, she held her emotions in with that she would breakdown in such a way that she would never recover. Caroline’s sister Jill was devastated and clung to Ever at the service. The two had always gotten along well and Ever felt that Jill was her sister as well. She could offer no comfort though. As Jill grieved over the loss of her sister the one prevailing question seemed to be why? Jill and the rest of Caroline’s family, of course, knew of her history of depression but they, like Ever, had thought that it was under control.
“How could this happen Ever? Is this even real?” Jill was trying to find her own answers Ever knew, but she felt lacking all the same that she had nothing to tell her except “I don’t know.” It seemed so… insufficient. Caroline’s parents were less than warm with Ever, cold is how most people described their interactions. Ever had the feeling that they blamed her for Caroline’s death. She couldn’t really fault them for that though; she blamed herself. She was closer to Caroline than anyone in the world. How could she have not seen this coming? “Maybe,” she thought to herself, “if she had paid Caroline more attention instead of being so wrapped up in her studies, in herself she may have seen some sign and been able to stop it, to save her.” Caroline had been her responsibility, and she had failed her. For that, Ever didn’t ever think she would be able to forgive herself. Through it all though, standing by Ever’s side, supporting her and comforting her in the midst of her own grief was Mia. Ever was so grateful for her friend. She truly didn’t believe she would make it through without Mia.
After leaving Caroline in their bedroom, Ever never entered that room again. She told Mia she couldn’t live in that house any longer. Mia not only agreed; she felt the same. The two friends camped out in sleeping bags in the living room until after the funeral. They found a new place to live on the opposite side of town. They continued to be roommates even though neither one of them really had to. They just felt more settled in each other’s company and neither of them wanted to be left alone with their thoughts. It was Mia who had cleaned out Caroline’s things with the help of J
ill. They had decided with Ever’s blessing to donate most everything to the mission where Caroline occasionally had volunteered. Both Mia and Jill had taken a few things for themselves to remind them of Caroline. Ever kept nothing, except for the note Caroline had left her on the day she died. The note that Ever carried with her everywhere but still had not read.
When it came time to leave the house for the last time it was just Ever and Mia.
“We did have some fun times here, didn’t we?” Mia said taking a last look around. Ever nodded. They had, but there was so much of Caroline in the house now that it was as if she haunted the rooms in which she had once lived. Not in a physical ghostly sense, but the memory of Caroline’s life, and death. was ingrained in the very walls of this house. With a final walk through Mia and Ever closed the door of their apartment for the last time. “You’re free now.” Ever whispered and she turned and exited the building for the last time.
CHAPTER FOUR
ONE YEAR LATER
Mia finished her pasta and looked across the table at Ever who sat playing with the food in her dish instead of eating it. Ever had lost weight this past year and Mia was worried about her. After Caroline’s death, Ever was unable to complete her last semester of college. She just didn’t have the drive or desire any longer. Her friends, Mia included, begged her to stay until graduation. She had worked too hard for four years to let it all fall away now, but Ever just didn’t care anymore. In fact, she never returned to the campus again. Mia graduated on time. There had been a moment of silence for Caroline at the commencement. When she had told Ever about that she scoffed saying that if anyone at the university had really cared about Caroline, they would have helped her before she died. Mia knew that Ever was really saying these words to herself. She was drowning in her guilt over Caroline’s death and Mia was at a complete loss as to how to help her friend. Ever had found a menial job that paid enough to cover the bills and her half of the rent. She showed up every day, but that was all Ever did now, she showed up. Mia thought that when Caroline died, the very best part of Ever had died with her. Mia dealt with, was still dealing with her own guilt when it came to Caroline. She was her best friend, and she never knew how much pain she was in, how she suffered. Caroline his it well she knew, she always had but still. She should have paid more attention. She looked at Ever and decided she was never going to make that mistake again.
With Love, Caroline Page 1