“You are, Mia, you are both of those things.”
Mia pulled the car over to the side of the road and turned in her seat to face Ever. Ever scooted as close as the seat in Mia’s compact would allow and kissed her gently. “I love you Mia. You. I don’t wish you were someone else when we’re together, I don’t see anyone but you when I close my eyes.”
“I know.” Mia said and returned the kiss. “I don’t even know why I asked. My own insecurities rearing their ugly heads I guess.”
“Promise me that if you ever feel that way again, or those insecurities start to get the best of you that you’ll talk to me about them ok? I don’t want us to have any secrets.”
“I promise.” Mia said against Ever’s lips and leaned her forehead against hers for a moment. “That goes for you too you know. No secrets.”
“No secrets, I promise,” Ever said and smiled when Mia opened her eyes and looked at her. “Let’s go home.” Just then Hope let go of a very loud meow from the backseat. Ever laughed and Mia smiled and after one more kiss pulled the car back onto the highway and continued home.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
6 MONTHS LATER
The car ride was silent, both women lost in their own thoughts. Mia drove as Ever sat in the passenger seat looking out the window. Her left hand was intertwined with Mia’s ad in her right hand she held an envelope which she caressed unconsciously with her fingers every minute or so.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to go in with you?” Mia bit her bottom lip with her teeth, a habit she had when she was nervous. Ever thought it was adorable. Ever gave Mia’s hand a squeeze and looked at her girlfriend with a smile.
“I’m sure. Thank you, but I just feel this is something I need to do alone.”
Ever prayed that Mia would understand.
“I get that, I really do. I’m just… well protective of you I guess.” Mia said quietly.
Ever smiled and leaned over to kiss her cheek. “One of the many things I love about you. You’re always looking out for me. I’ll be fine baby, really. I’m ready.”
Ever tried to sound stronger than she felt for Mia’s sake but the woman knew her too well and Ever could tell she wasn’t buying it.
“You don’t have to do this you know.” Mia tried again.
She was afraid this would set Ever back, and they had come so far already since returning from the cabin. Ever had enrolled back in school and was due to graduate with her degree in just a few months. She was seeing a therapist; they both were and their relationship was thriving. Mia wouldn’t let anything compromise that. Not now after all they had been through.
“I do have to though Mia, for you, for us, for Caroline, but mostly for me. I need this closure. Do you understand that?”
“I do.” Mia replied. “I love you, Ever, and I’m here for you.” Ever smiled and thought again how lucky she was.
“I love you too. Thank you.”
The car grew quiet again as they approached the cemetery. Mia pulled in through the wrought-iron gate and stopped next to a pavilion that contained a few marble benches. The sun was shining, and it was a beautiful day.
“I’ll wait right here for you ok? Take all the time you need. I’ll be here when you’re done.”
Both women exited the car and walked toward each other. Ever took Mia into her arms and just held her trying to absorb some of her strength and courage. For Mia’s part she held tightly to Ever not really wanting to let her go but knowing that she had too. Their lips came together in soft passion and love once and then again.
“I love you, Mia. Thank you for being here today.” Ever whispered against Mia’s hair.
“There isn’t anywhere else I would be. I love you too.” With that both women looked at the other one more time before Ever turned and made her way to the path that would lead her to Caroline’s grave and Mia sat on the bench and prayed that everything would be ok.
Ever didn’t have to walk very far until she came to a section with a small wooden placard that read C-4. She took out the slip of paper that Mia had given her earlier today. It read “C-4 Second row, fifth stone down from the front. I love you.” Ever smiled and replaced the paper in her jeans pocket. She took a deep breath and looked around. The area was quite beautiful she thought, if such a thing could be said about a cemetery. There were trees surrounding the area, their branches slightly bowed at the top to almost meet in the middle. The sun shined through their leaves, allowing just enough in warming your skin. It was peaceful and Ever thought that Caroline would approve. Ever looked to the second row and counted back five from the front as Mia’s instructions had said. She walked around the front of the fifth stone and there it was. The Caroline B. Davis.
The sight of Caroline’s named carved in the stone momentarily took Ever’s breath away and she staggered slightly. She closed her eyes and whispered to herself, “you can do this.” And with that she opened her eyes again and took in the sight fully. The stone itself was a very light gray, almost white I the sunlight. There were flowers, tulips, Caroline’s favorite, in blue vases on either side. Above Caroline’s name was a delicate scroll design that ran from one end of the stone to the other. Below her name the words “Daughter, Sister and Friend. Dearly missed.” Ever kneeled in front of the stone and with a shaky hand traced the letters of Caroline’s name one by one.
“Hi” she said softly in a broken voice. “I’m sorry it took me so long to come here, I had some trouble with that. I had some trouble with a lot of things, actually.” Ever smiled a sad smile as she sat fully on the grass, running her hands through the lush blades beneath her. “I miss you so much.” She whispered, a tear escaping her eye. “I have been so lost since you left me Caroline, so broken. I know you did what you thought was best, for everyone, but it wasn’t best for me. It destroyed me Caroline and if it weren’t for Mia…”
The wind gusted just then, and it blew Ever’s hair back from her forehead. For a moment if felt like a delicate hand running its fingers through her hair and Ever shivered. “I know you’re at peace now, but I wish you hadn’t gone. I wish I had paid more attention. I wish, on that last day that I had said I love you too because I did, I do, so much and I am so sorry, baby.”
Ever looked up to the sky, the sun was shining on her face, warming her and she suddenly felt something she hadn’t felt in a long time other than when she was in Mia’s arms. She felt calm, she felt forgiven. She took a deep breath and then another, she knew it wasn’t logical but she could swear that she hadn’t breathed this easy in over a year. She reached into the back pocket of her jeans and pulled out the worn envelope and held it to her chest. “I guess it’s time for this too huh?” Ever said with a smile. She knew if Caroline were here, she would be exasperated that Ever had waited this long to read it. She saw the words, written in Caroline’s sure hand, somewhat faded from the thousands of times Ever had run her finger’s over it. “My Forever.” Ever took a deep breath, turned the envelope over and with her finger, opened the sealed flap. The letter was folded in three parts and as Ever began to unfold it, something fell out from the middle. A photograph. Ever smiled when she saw the picture and wiped more tears from her eyes. It was a picture of Ever, Caroline and Mia at the cabin on the trip they had taken after Caroline had been discharged from the hospital. All three had huge smiles on their faces, their arms wrapped tightly around each other, their eyes shining, young and untouched by tragedy. Ever held the picture to her heart and then gently set it down beside her. She unfolded the paper and against all reason Ever swore that Caroline’s scent wafted up to her nose from its pages. She saw the familiar hand writing, took a deep breath, and began to read.
My love, How do I even begin to say goodbye to you? You have brought so much into my life, joy and love and intimacy, if I had a million years, I could never find the time to thank you enough. I guess the first thing I need to say to you is I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Ever, I tried, I really did but I’m just so tired baby. I know you don’t u
nderstand and you will probably be angry with me but I hope some day that you can forgive me. You have so much love inside of you, Ever, I knew that from the moment I first saw you. You have so much to give this world, please don’t let anger diminish any of that, not even for a moment. I enclosed the picture from the cabin for a reason. That photo, that one snapshot in time, I was truly happy, and that was because of you. You and Mia gave all of yourselves for me time and time again, you saved me more than you know. When you remember me Ever, remember me like that, happy and free because that is what I am now. You and Mia are going to need each other, and I hope that you will lean on each other in times of sorrow, that you celebrate together in times of joy and that you will love one another at all times. Know that there will never be a moment that I am not with you, if you need me, I will be there. My wish for you Ever is to live, and love, and change the world. You already changed mine. So, how do I say goodbye to you? It’s simple, I don’t. This isn’t goodbye, I know that we will see each other again. When it’s your time to leave this earth, hopefully when you are old and gray, just know that I’ll be waiting.
With Love,
Caroline
Ever folded the letter back up carefully and returned it to its envelope. She didn’t know if she would ever read it again but she was glad she had read it now, with Caroline near. Although the tears had come and were continuing to come, she felt lighter than she had before. She looked at the picture again and instead of the jolt of pain that usually came with seeing Caroline’s image she felt immensely grateful that she had been a part of her happiness, however fleeting. She carefully replaced the picture and the envelope into her back pocket. She looked one more time at Caroline’s name etched forever in stone, much the same way as it would be etched forever on the hearts of those, she touched in her short time here. She leaned forward and placed her lips briefly on the cold stone. “Thank you.” She whispered and rose, without looking back made her way to the path and Mia.
Ever half jogged the short way back to the bench where Mia waited. When she saw Ever, she jumped to her feet and hurried to meet her.
“Are you ok?” She said looking Ever over as if for physical wounds. Ever grabbed each side of Mia’s face and kissed her hard and long. She wanted to convey every bit of love and passion and gratefulness she felt for this woman in that one kiss. When both women pulled back for air, Mia staggered a little on her feet. “I guess that’s a yes.” She said holding her fingers to her lips.
“I’m ok, I really am.” Ever laughed at the blush that was making its way across Mia’s cheeks. She felt so much love for this woman and she knew in that moment that just as Caroline had said, together they could change the world. She threw her arm around Mia, pulling her close. “Let’s go home.”
THE END
With Love, Caroline Page 13