Do this and I will make thee a great man.
BALTHAZAR
Is there no farther trick in’t but my blow, your purse and my pardon?
MALTATESTE
No nets upon my life to entrap thee.
BALTHAZAR
Then trust me. These knuckles work it.
KING
Farewell. Be confident and sudden.
BALTHAZAR
Yes.
Subjects may stumble, when kings walk astray.
Thine Acts shall be a new Apocrypha.
Exeunt.
ACT IV SCENE ONE
ENTER MEDINA, ALBA, [Carlo], and Daenia, met by Balthazar with a poniard and a pistol.
BALTHAZAR
You met a Hydra. See, if one head fails
Another with a sulphurous beak stands yawning.
MEDINA
What hath raised up this devil?
BALTHAZAR A great man’s vices, that can raise all hell. What would you call that man, who under-sail in a most goodly ship, wherein he ventures his life, fortunes, and honours, yet in a fury should hew the mast down, cast sails overboard, fire all the tacklings, and to crown this madness, should blow up all the decks, burn th’oaken ribs, and in that combat ‘twix two elements leap desperately, and drown himself in the seas? What were so brave a fellow?
ALL
A brave black villain.
BALTHAZAR That’s I. All that brave black villain dwells in me, if I be that black villain. But I am not! A nobler character prints out my brow, which you may thus read, I was banished Spain for emptying a court- hogshead, but repealed so I would, ere my reeking iron was cold, promise to give it a deep crimson dye in - none hear, - stay - no, none hear.
MEDINA
Whom then?
BALTHAZAR
Basely to stab a woman, your wronged niece and her most innocent son,
Sebastian.
ALBA
The boar now foams with wetting.
DAENIA
What has blunted
Thy weapons point at these?
BALTHAZAR My honesty. A sign at which few dwell, pure honesty! I am a vassal to Medina’s house, He taught me first the A-B-C of war. E’er I was truncheon high, I had the stile on beardless Captain, writing then but boy, and shall I now turn slave to him that fed me with Cannon- bullets and taught me, ostrich-like to digest iron and steel! No! Yet I yielded with willow-bendings to commanding breaths.
MEDINA
Of whom?
BALTHAZAR Of King and Queen. With supple hams and an ill-boding look, I vowed to do it. Yet, lest some choke-pear of state policy should stop my throat, and spoil my drinking pipe, see, like his cloak, I hung at the King’s elbow, till I had got his hand to sign my life.
[Balthazar passes over the document signed by the King.]
DAENIA
Shall we see this and sleep?
ALBA
No, whilst these wake.
MEDINA
’Tis the King’s hand?
BALTHAZAR
Think you me a coiner ?
MEDINA
No, no,
Thou art thy self still, noble Balthazar.
I ever knew thee honest, and the mark
Stands still upon thy forehead.
BALTHAZAR
Else flea the skin off.
MEDINA
I ever knew thee valiant, and to scorn
All acts of baseness. I have seen this man
Write in the field such stories with his sword,
That our best chieftains swore there was in him
As ‘twere a new philosophy of fighting,
His deeds were so punctilious. In one battle
When death so nearly missed my ribs, he struck
Three horses stone-dead under me. This man,
Three times that day, even through the jaws of danger,
Redeemed me up and, I shall print it ever,
Stood over my body with Colossus thighs
Whilst all the thunder-bolts which war could throw,
Fell on his head. And Balthazar, thou canst not
Be now but honest still, and valiant still,
Not to kill boys and women.
BALTHAZAR
My biter here, eats no such meat.
MEDINA
Go fetch the marked-out lamb for slaughter hither,
Good fellow-soldier aid him, and stay, mark,
Give this false fire to the believing King,
That the child’s sent to heaven, but that the mother
Stands rocked so strong with friends, ten thousand billows
Cannot once shake her.
BALTHAZAR
This I’ll do.
MEDINA
Away.
Yet one word more. Your counsel, Noble friends.
Hark Balthazar, because nor eyes nor tongues,
Shall by loud larums, that the poor boy lives,
Question thy false report, the child shall, closely
Mantled in darkness, forthwith be conveyed
To the monastery of Saint Paul.
ALL
Good.
MEDINA
Despatch then, be quick.
BALTHAZAR
As lightning.
Exit Balthazar.
ALBA
This fellow is some angel dropped from heaven
To preserve innocence.
MEDINA
He is a wheel
Of swift and turbulent motion. I have trusted him,
Yet will not hang on him too many plummets,
Lest with a headlong gyre he ruins all.
In these state consternations, when a kingdom
Stands tottering at the centre, out of suspicion
Safety grows often. Let us suspect this fellow,
And that albeit he show us the King’s hand,
It may be but a trick.
DAENIA
Your Lordship hits
A poisoned nail i’th head. This waxen fellow,
By the King’s hand so bribing him with gold,
Is set on screws, perhaps is made his creature,
To turn round every way.
MEDINA
Out of that fear
Will I beget truth. For myself in person
Will sound the King’s breast.
CARLO
How? Yourself in person?
ALBA
That’s half the prize he gapes for.
MEDINA
I’ll venture it,
And come off well I warrant you, and rip up
His very entrails, cut in two his heart,
And search each corner in’t, yet shall not he
Know who it is cut up the anatomy.
DAENIA
’Tis an exploit worth wonder.
CARLO
Put the worst,
Say some infernal voice should roar from hell,
The infant’s cloistering up.
ALBA
’Tis not our danger,
Nor the imprisoned Prince’s, for what thief
Dares by base sacrilege rob the Church of him?
CARLO
At worst none can be lost but this slight fellow!
MEDINA
All build on this as on a stable cube.
If we our footing keep, we fetch him forth,
And crown him King. If up we fly i’th air,
We for his soul’s health a broad way prepare.
DAENIS
They come.
Enter Balthazar and Sebastian.
MEDINA
Thou knowest where to bestow him, Balthazar.
BALTHAZAR
Come noble boy.
ALBA
Hide him from being discovered.
BALTHAZAR Discovered? Would there stood a troop of Moors thrusting the paws of hungry lions forth, to seize this prey, and this but in my hand, I should do something.
SEBASTIAN
Must I go with this black fellow, Uncle?
MEDINA
>
Yes, pretty coz, hence with him Balthazar.
BALTHAZAR
Sweet child, within few minutes I’ll change thy fate
And take thee hence, but set thee at heavens gate.
[Exit Balthazar and Sebastian.]
MEDINA
Some keep aloof and watch this soldier
CARLO
I’ll do’t.
Exit Carlo.
DAENIA
What’s to be done now?
MEDINA
First to plant strong guard
About the mother, then into some snare
To hunt this spotted panther, and there kill him.
DAENIA
What snares have we can hold him?
MEDINA
Be that care mine.
Dangers, like stars, in dark attempts best shine.
Exeunt.
ACT IV SCENE TWO
ENTER CORNEGO, BALTHAZAR.
CORNEGO The Lady Onaelia dresseth the stead of her commendations in the most courtly attire that words can be clothed with, from herself to you, by me.
BALTHAZAR
So Sir, and what disease troubles her now?
CORNEGO The King’s evil. And here she hath sent something to you, wrapped up in a white sheet, you need not fear to open it, ’tis no course.
BALTHAZAR What’s here? A letter minced into five morsels? What was she doing when thou camest from her?
CORNEGO
At her prick-song.
BALTHAZAR So me thinks, for here’s nothing but sol-re-me-fa-mi. What crotchet fills her head now, canst tell?
CORNEGO
No crotchets, ’tis only the Cliff has made her mad.
BALTHAZAR
What instrument played she upon?
CORNEGO
A wind instrument, she did nothing but sigh.
BALTHAZAR
Sol, re, me, fa, mi.
CORNEGO
My wit has always a singing head, I have found out her note captain.
BALTHAZAR
The tune? Come.
CORNEGO Sol, my soul. Re, is all rent and torn like a ragamuffin. Me, mend it good captain. Fa, fa. What’s fa Captain?
BALTHAZAR
Fa, why farewell and be hanged.
CORNEGO
Mi Captain, with all my heart. Have I tickled my Lady’s fiddle well?
BALTHAZAR Oh, but you stick wants rosin to make the strings sound clearly. No, this double virginal, being cunningly touched, another matter of jack leaps up then is now in mine eye. Sol, re me fa, mi, I have it now. Solus Rex me facit miseram . Alas poor Lady, tell her no apothecary in Spain has any of that assa foetida she writes for.
CORNEGO
Assa foetida? What’s that?
BALTHAZARA
A thing to be taken in a glister-pipe .
CORNEGO
Why, what ails my Lady?
BALTHAZAR What ails she? Why when she cries out, Solus Rex me facit miseram, she says in the Hypocronicall language, that she is so miserably tormented with the wind colic that it racks her very soul.
CORNEGO
I said somewhat cut her soul in pieces.
BALTHAZAR
But go to her, and say the oven is heating.
CORNEGO
And what shall be baked in’t?
BALTHAZAR Carp pies. And besides, tell her the hole in her coat shall be mended, and tell her if the dial of good days goes true, why then bounce buckrum.
CORNEGO
The devil lies sick of the mulligrubs.
BALTHAZAR
Or the Cony is dub’d, and three sheepskins …
CORNEGO
With the wrong side outward …
BALTHAZAR
Shall make the fox a night-cap.
CORNEGO
So the goose talks French to the buzzard.
BALTHAZAR But, Sir, if evil days jostle our prognostication to the wall, then say there’s a fire in a whore-masters cod-piece.
CORNEGO
And a poisoned bag-pudding in Tom Thumb’s belly.
BALTHAZAR
The first cut be thine. Farewell.
CORNEGO
Is this all?
BALTHAZAR
Would’st not trust an Almanac?
CORNEGO Not a coranta neither, though it were sealed with butter, and yet I know where they both lie passing well.
Enter Lopez.
LOPEZ
The King sends round about the court to seek you.
BALTHAZAR
Away Otterhound.
CORNEGO
Dancing bear, I’m gone.
Exit Cornego. Enter King attended.
KING
A Private room,
Exeunt, King and Balthazar remain
I’st done? Hast drawn thy two-edged sword out yet?
BALTHAZAR No, I was striking at the two iron bars that hinder your passage, and see Sir.
Draws.
KING
What mean’st thou?
BALTHAZAR
The edge abated, feel.
KING
No, no I see it.
BALTHAZAR
As blunt as ignorance.
KING
How? Put up - so - how?
BALTHAZAR I saw by chance hanging in Cardinal Alvarez gallery, a picture of hell.
KING
So what of that?
BALTHAZAR There lay upon burnt straw ten thousand brave fellows all stark naked, some leaning upon crowns, some on Mitres, some on bags of gold. Glory, in another corner lay, a feather beaten in the rain. Beauty was turned into a watching candle that went out stinking. Ambition went upon a huge high pair of stilts but horribly rotten. Some in another nook were killing Kings, and some having their elbows shoved forward by Kings to murder others. I was, me thought, half in hell myself whist I stood to view this piece.
KING
Was this all?
BALTHAZAR Was’t not enough to see that a man is more healthful that eats dirty puddings, than he that feeds on a corrupted conscience?
KING
Conscience! What’s that? A conjuring book ne’r opened
Without the reader’s danger. ’Tis indeed
A scarecrow set i’th world to frighten weak fools.
Hast thou seen fields paved o’er with carcasses,
Now to be tender-footed, not to tread
On a boy’s mangled quarters, and a woman’s!
BALTHAZAR
Nay, Sir, I have searched the records of the Low-Countries, and find
that by your pardon I need not care a pin for goblins, and therefore
I will do it Sir. I did recoil because I was double charged.
KING
No more. Here comes a satyr with sharp horns.
Enter Cardinal, and Medina like a French Doctor.
CARDINAL
Sir, here’s a Frenchman charged with some strange business
Which to close ear only he’ll deliver,
Or else to none.
KING
A Frenchman?
MEDINA
Oui, Monsieur.
KING
Cannot he speak the Spanish?
MEDINA Si Signor, un Poco - Monsieur Acontez in de Corner, me come for offer to your Bon Grace mi trezhumbla service, by gar no John fidleco shall put into your near braver melody dan dis un petite pipe shall play to your great bon Grace.
KING
What is the tune you strike up, touch the string.
MEDINA Dis - me has run up and down mine Country and learn many fine thing, and mush knavery, now more and all dis me know you’ll jumbla de fine vench and fill her belly with garsoone, her name is La Madam …
KING
Onaelia.
MEDINA She by gar. Now Monsieur dis Madam send for me to help her malady, being very naught of her corpus, her body, me know you no point loves dis vench. But royal Monsieur donne moye ten thousand French Crowns she shall kick up her tail by gar, and beshide lie dead as dog in
de shannell.
KING
Speak low.
MEDINA
As de bag-pipe when de wind is puff, Gar beigh,
KING
Thou namest ten thousand Crowns, I’ll treble them
Rid me of this leprosy. Thy name?
MEDINA
Monsieur Doctor Devil.
KING
Shall I a second wheel add to this mischief
To set it faster going? If one break,
T’other may keep his motion.
MEDINA
Esselent fort boone.
KING
Balthazar.
To give thy sword an edge again, this Frenchman
Shall whet thee on, that if thy pistol fail,
Or poniard, this can send the poison home.
BALTHAZAR
Brother Cain we’ll shake hands.
MEDINA
In de bowl of de bloody busher. ’Tis very fine wholesome.
KING
And more to arm your resolution,
I’ll tune this Churchman so, that he shall chime
In sounds harmonious, merit to that man
Whose hand has but a finger in that act.
BALTHAZAR
That music were worth hearing.
KING
Holy father,
You must give pardon to me in unlocking
A cave stuffed full with serpents, which my State
Threaten to poison, and it lies in you
To break their bed with thunder of your voice.
CARDINAL
How princely son?
KING
Suppose a universal
Hot pestilence beat her mortiferous wings
O’er all my kingdoms, am I not bound in soul,
To empty all our academies of doctors
And Aesculapian spirits to charm this plague?
CARDINAL
You are.
KING
Or had the canon made a breach
Into our rich Escurial , down to beat it
About our ears, should I stop this breach
Spare even our richest Ornaments, nay our crown,
Could it keep bullets off.
CARDINAL
No sir, you should not.
KING
This linstock gives you fire. Shall then that strumpet
And bastard breathe quick vengeance in my face,
Making my Kingdom reel, my subjects stagger
In their obedience, and yet live?
CARDINAL
How? Live!
Shed not their bloods to gain a kingdom greater
Than ten times this.
MEDINA
Pish, not matter how Red-cap and his wit run.
KING
As I am Catholic King, I’ll have their hearts
Panting in these two hands.
CARDINAL
Dare you turn hangman?
Is this religion Catholic to kill
What even brute beasts abhor to do, your own!
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 37