I’ll stand to’t, I.
SPENDOLA
With one leg.
SOLDIER
Yes, with one.
OCTAVIO
Young lords, thus to scorn soldiers, ’tis ill done.
KING
Uncle, here’s no man scorns ’em.Must we be brav’d
By a staring fellow, for a little fighting?Go.
SOLDIER
Fighting!I cannot halt, I, but speak plain.
No king on earth baffles me.I’d baffle again
Th’ whole race of great Turks, had I ’em i’th’ field.
I ha’ brought with me a hundred soldiers, old servitors,
Poor as my self in clothes; pick out five hundred
Of such silk-stocken men, if they beat us, hang us!
S’blood! if we toss not them, hang’s again.A fort
We ha’ built without, and mand it, this was the sport
A soldier would ha’ given thee.My one hundred
Had taught thee all the rules i’th’ school of war.
KING
All this I’ll read without maim, would, or scar.
SOLDIER
What say you to an engine that at once
Shall spoil some thirty men?
JOVINELLI
Thirty men!Nothing.
SOLDIER
If nothing!Hast thou been beat for this?Farewell.
JOVINELLI
I can fetch twenty scriveners have done more
With a bare goose-quill.
SOLDIER
Mayst thou but live to need
A soldier’s arm that hath laugh’d to see him bleed![Exit.
BRISCO
You have lost the day, sir, for your soldiers fly.
KING
Fly to the devil, let ’em!
JOVINELLI
Your leaders before.
SPENDOLA
You fight all under one colours?Do you not?
SCHOLAR
Sir, these pleasures to the King which I prefer,
Flow from Jove’s brain.
NARCISSO
Heyda!Here’s one has beaten our Jove’s brains.
MARINER
[Aside.] Would I had thee hung up at our main kite!
SCHOLAR
No, sir, Jove’s brain, Minerva, queen of wit,
If all the Muses and the arts can fit
With their high tunes such choice and princely ears,
Apollo, Father to them all, appears.
JOVINELLI
Apollo was an ass!He let a wench whom he lov’d to be turn’d into a bay-tree, and now she’s glad for a penny to stick ale house windows and wind dead corses.
BRISCO
Let Apollo go and lie with his own daughters.
KING
Are you a scholar, sir?
JOVINELLI
A school-master, sir, as I take it, and comes to present a very pretty show of this scholars in broken Latin.
OCTAVIO
Can we be dumb and see this?
SCHOLAR
O, hapless learning,
File and complain to Heaven, where thou wert born,
That thou, whom kings once nurs’d, art now their scorn![Exit.
NARCISSO
How blows the wind, sir?
MARINER
Wind!’tis nor-nor-west.
NARCISSO
To hoise your sails up too, I think, ’tis best.
MARINER
A black gust is coming; up a-low, there, hey!A young man up to’th’ topmast head and look out; stand to your sails; stand to your topsails; let go your harriers, let go; amain, lower amain; quick, quick, good fellows!
OMNES
He’s mad.
MARINER
Who’s at helm?Bear up hard, and hard up, and thou beest a man, bear up. Starboard; port again!Off with your drabblers and your banners; out with your courses, ho!I spy two ships yonder; that yaw too and again, they have both sprung a leak.I think the devil is sucking tobacco; here’s such a mist. Out with your boat and your boatsmen; cut down mast-bith-board; bear up!
I’m a blunt fellow, you see.All I say is this:
You that scorn seamen shall a seaman miss. [Exit.
OCTAVIO
Now, by my life, I have patient stood too long
To see rich merit and love, paid with base wrong!
Learning! and arms! and traffic! the triple wall
That fortifies a kingdom, race ’em down all!
This seaman, he that dearest earns his bread,
Had rigg’d and mann’d four galleys bravely furnish’d
With soldiers, rowers, and fire works for a sea fight.
KING
You are full of squibs too; pray, go fire ’em all.
OCTAVIO
Must I be then cashier’d too?Marry, and shall.
To save thy sinking honour I’ll send hence
These men with thanks with praise and recompense.
OMNES
Pray, do.
KING
Brave Shalcan Bohor, all this while
Our eye has followed yours and seen it smile,
As ‘twere in scorn, of what these men could do,
Which made us slight them off; to engross you,
Our best and richest prize i’th’ courts of kings
Through which you ha’ passed, you ha’ seen wonders: shoe ’em.
RUFFMAN
I shall at opportune hours.If your grace
Arride the toys they bragg’d of, fireworks,
And such light-stuffs, sit fearless without danger
Of murdering shot, which villains might discharge,
In idle counterfeit sea fights, you shall see
At opening of this hand, a thousand balls
Of wild-fire flying around the air:there! [Fire-works on lines.
OMNES
Rare, rare!
KING
’Tis excellent!‘Sdeath, from whence flew they?
BRISCO
Hell, I think.
JOVINELLI
Hell!Nay, if any that are in Hell skip up ever so nigh Heaven as these devils that spit fire did, I’ll drink nothing but gun powder!
RUFFMAN
Ha, ha, a trifle this.Your scholar there
Come with his arts and muses shallow, leaden brain,
Your swaggering soldier, lead a totter’d train
Of ruffianly boot-haulers; I noted all
These feasts for kings; i’th’ garden of variety
The vast world!You are starv’d midst your satiety;
Pluck no one apple from the golden tree
But shake the fruit of every pleasure down.
KING
Thanks, Bohor; why else wears a king his crown?
Shalcan, all Naples shall not buy thee from me.
RUFFMAN
Nor you and these from me.
KING
Ask what thou wilt have
But to stay here.
RUFFMAN
Lo, this is all I crave. [Hugs him.
KING
Thou hast our fast embraces.
RUFFMAN
Swift as man’s thought,
Various delights shall be each minute born
And die as fast that fresh may rise.We scorn
To serve up one dish twice, be’t ne’er so rare;
Will you that gainst to-morrow I prepare
A feast of strange mirth for you?
KING
Dear Bohor, do.
RUFFMAN
I shall.Nor do I thus your love pursue
With servile hopes of gold; I need it not.
If out the jaws of Hell gold may be got
Black arts are mine to do’t, and what delights
Those work be yours.
KING
Thou art gracious in our sight.[Exeunt.
Act Two, Scene Two
A table is set out by young Fellows like Merchant’s Men, books
of accounts upon
it, small desks to write upon; they
sit down to write tickets; LURCHALL with them.
FIRST SERVANT
Come, fellow Lurchall, write.
LURCHALL
Fuh, stay not for me;
I shall out-go you all.
SECOND SERVANT
I hold five crowns,
We all leave you behind us.
LURCHALL
Done, but I
Must not leave you behind me.[Aside.] What pains a poor devil
Takes to get into a merchant!He’s so civil,
One of Hell must not know him with more ease;
A devil may win ten gallants then one of these;
Yet a merchant’s wife, before these ten, is one
To entertain her devil if Pride be one.
But Luchall, not tha’rt in, and for years bound
To play the merchant, play him right; th’ast found
A master who more villainy has by heart
Then thou by rote.See him but play his own part;
And thou doest Hell good service. Bartervile,
There’s in thy name a harvest makes me smile.
BARTERVILE
[Within.] Luchall!
OMNES
My master calls.
LURCHALL
Ay.
Enter BARTERVILE.
BARTERVILE
Oh, art there?
This day twixt one and two a gallant’s bound
To pay four hundred crowns to free his lands
Fast mortgag’d to me.Lurchall, get thee up high
Into my turret where thou mayst espy
All comers every way; if by thy guess
Thou seest the gull make hither —
LURCHALL
So, sir.
BARTERVILE
That his hour
Lie gasping; at the last minutes let him beat at door;
Within, I’ll beat his heart out.
LURCHALL
I’ll let him stand.
BARTERVILE
Do.Take my watch; go faster.All his land
Is summed up with these two figures, two and one.
At past one, his; strike but two, ’tis mine own.
LURCHALL
I’ll turn the wheels and spin the hours up faster.
BARTERVILE
The city clocks then strike and kill thy master.
Would all the city sextons at my cost
Were drunk this day four hours.
LURCHALL
Troth, so would I,
And we their jacks at the clock-house.
BARTERVILE
We’d strike merrily.
Fly up to th’ top i’th’ house.
LURCHALL
[Aside.] There, sir, I’ll sit,
And croak like a raven to damn thee in Hell’s pit.[Exit.
BARTERVILE sets amongst his men reading a long scroll.
BARTERVILE
How goes this month?
OMNES
Much shorter than the last.
BARTERVILE
Weddings this month twelve thousand:not worth the scoring,
But think there’s little marrying, we ha’ so much whoring.
Grinding mills so much used; about the city
Such grinding, yet no more money; suits in law
Full brought to an end this month, no more but then.
The law will beggar us.Had I the bags again
I bought this cumbrous office with the king
Should make his best of’t.He that did farm’t before
Had it for lease than I, yet received more.
How much remains of the salt tribute due?
FIRST SERVANT
Seven thousand crowns.
BARTERVILE
That’s well; a savoury sum.
These our Italian tributes were well devis’d.
Methinks ’tis fit a subject should not eat
But that his prince from ever dish of meat
Should receive nourishment; for, being the head,
Why should he pine when all the body is fed?
Besides, it makes us more to awe a king
When at each bite we are forc’d to think on him.
Enter a Bravo with money.
FIRST SERVANT
What payment’s this?
BRAVO
The pension of the Stews; you need not untie it.I brought it but now from the sealer’s office.There’s not a piece there but has a hole in’t, because men may know where ’twas had and where is will be taken again.Bless your worship!Stew-money, sir; stew-prune cash, sir.
BARTERVILE
They are sure, though not the soundest paymasters.
Read; what’s the sum?
FIRST SERVANT
But bare two hundred crowns.
BRAVO
They are bare crowns indeed, sir, and they came from animals and vermin that are more bare.We that are clerks of these flesh-markets have a great deal of rotten mutton lying upon our hands and find this to be a sore payment.
BARTERVILE
Well, well, the world will mend.
BRAVO
So our surgeons tell ’em every day, but the pox of mendment, I see.
BARTERVILE
Do not your gallants come off roundly then?
BRAVO
Yes, sir, their hair comes off fast enough; we turn away crack’d French crowns every day.I have a suit to your worship in behalf of all our dealers in small wares; our free-whores, sir, you know my meaning.
BARTERVILE
If your whores are known, what’s thy suit?
BRAVO
I should have brought a petition from ’em, but that ’tis put off, sir, till cleansing week, that they may all be able to set to their hands or else a whore’s mark.
BARTERVILE
Well, what’s their request?
BRAVO
Marry, sir, that all the she-tobacco-shops that creep up daily in every hole about the city may be put to silence.
BARTERVILE
Why, pray thee, honest fellow?
BRAVO
I thank your good worship.I had not such a sweet bit given me this seven years, “honest fellow!”Marry, sir, I’ll open to you your suppliant’s cases; they that had wont to spend a crown about a smock have now their delight dog-cheap; but for spending one quarter of that money on smoke; besides, sir, they are not contented to rob us of our customs only, but when their pipes are foul with spitting and drivelling in those foresaid shops, they have no place to burn ’em in but our houses.
BARTERVILE
Draw their petition and we’ll see all cur’d.
BRAVO
Let a frost come first, sir; I thank your venerable worship; the pox gnaw out so many small guts as have paid thee crowns![Exit.
Enter LURCHALL running.
LURCHALL
The tide’s against you, sir; the crowns are come!
BARTERVILE
How goes my watch?
LURCHALL
As most watches use to go, sir, sleepily, heavily.
BARTERVILE
Not reach’d to one yet; wert thou to be hang’d
The hour had gallop’d.
LURCHALL
I spurr’d it all I could.
BARTERVILE
S’death keep his hour!Heaven help poor citizens
If gentlemen grow this wary.Let him in.[Exit LURCHALL.
Barren now that hast in craft so fruitful been
Enter LURCHALL with two Gentlemen.
Your business, sir, to me?
FIRST GENTLEMAN
Do you not know me, sir?
BARTERVILE
No, in good truth, sir.
FIRST GENTLEMAN
To know you I am bold, sir.
You have lands of mine in mortgage; this is my day
And here’s your crowns.
BARTERVILE
Signior Innocentio,
My memory had quite lost you; pray, sit both.
A bowl of wine here!
FIRST GENTLEMAN
Sir, it shall not need.
Please you to fetch my evidence whilst we tell.
BARTERVILE
What needs this forward spring?Faith, two months hence
Had been to me as welcome.
FIRST GENTLEMAN
Sir, I thank you.
SECOND GENTLEMAN
Your hour draws on, Signior Innocentio.
BARTERVILE
Go beat a drum i’th’ garret, that no tongues
Of clocks be heard but mine.
LURCHALL
Little past one.
BARTERVILE
Wind, wind.
LURCHALL
[Aside.] Thus windst thou to damnation.
SECOND GENTLEMAN
I’ll part with none, sir, pardon me, till I see
Your writings.Will you fetch the evidence, sir?
BARTERVILE
What evidence, sir, have I of yours?
FIRST GENTLEMAN
My friend, sir,
Whose money he lends me to redeem my mortgage —
BARTERVILE
Which you would have for your security.
SECOND GENTLEMAN
’Tis so, sir.
BARTERVILE
No, sir Innocentio,
To-morrow on your bare word will I lend you
Thirty crowns more; I love you, sir, and wish you
Beware whose hands you fall into; the world’s a serpent.
SECOND GENTLEMAN
This does but spend the hour, sir; will you take your money?
BARTERVILE
With all my heart.
FIRST GENTLEMAN
Let him see my writings then.
BARTERVILE
Have you such covenant from me?I remember none.
FIRST GENTLEMAN
Your conscience is sufficient covenant, sir.
BARTERVILE
Ha!What that conscience?I know no law terms, I.
Talk to me as a citizen.
SECOND GENTLEMAN
We’ll dally no longer.
We knew what snake would sting us, and therefore brought
Our medicine gainst his venom.You’ll keep the writings
And we’ll i’th’ court of conscience tender your crowns,
Whither this writ does summon you.
LURCHALL
A fox and are taken?
BARTERVILE
Serve writs upon me, yet keep my money too?
[Aside to LURCHALL.] Dull slave, hast thou no brain?
LURCHALL
[Aside to BARTERVILE.] Brain! Try this. [Whispers.
BARTERVLE
Peace.
SECOND GENTLEMAN
Will you as fits a Christian give us in
What is our right and take your crowns, sir, yet?
BARTERVILE
’Tis good to try men’s patience; fetch me down
Those writings on my pillow; there they ha’ slept [Exit LURCHALL.
These two hours for you.Must not friends jest? Ha!
BOTH
Yes, sir; let you men tell, just four hundred crowns.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 52