They do?
COLCHESTER
He strutting sometimes, to his companions
In a majestic tone, will say, “My lads,
I at my coronation will make you all
Great men; though now you are boys, as I am prince.”
KING
Is he so forward?
COLCHESTER
Forward?Why, sir, king’s bastards
Are made of lightening — oh!
KING
How does his mother?
COLCHESTER
She, ‘las, poor whore.
KING
How, sir, my love a whore?
COLCHESTER
I cry thee mercy; a king’s concubine,
But the true ancient English is plain whore.
KING
She lost, sir, nothing by being mine.
COLCHESTER
’Tis true, she got a child by it.
KING
And you got something, sir.
COLCHESTER
Right, sir, a dukedom,
And would I had two daughters more to play ’em
Away at two such casts.
KING
A brave old boy!
COLCHESTER
Some have by daughters fall’n, why should not others
Be rais’d by daughters?But, in sooth, my liege,
Would thou couldst quoit her off, bandy this white ball
Into some gallant’s bed, there are enow
Would take her at rebound.
KING
Her at rebound?
No, in few days myself will call thee father.
COLCHESTER
I’ll call you son then.
KING
To Armante have I sent good Winchester
And myself am going to her.
COLCHESTER
Are you?
My house shall bid you welcome.Some business ended,
I’ll there wait on your grace.
KING
Do so. [Exit.
COLCHESTER
Thy grace?
Would thou hadst any, I will smooth my forehead,
Be the king’s fool, and call’d the good old man,
The silly duke; and though a barbed horse,
The shaking of his wand makes me stand still,
I will be rid and spurr’d.But king, take heed:
Headlong I fling thee when to much I bleed.[Exit.
Act One, Scene Three
ENTER WINCHESTER AND ARMANTE.
ARMANTE
Did the king speak this?
WINCHESTER
Did both speak and swear it.
ARMANTE
Heaven pardon him.I do not.
WINCHESTER
Let not wild rage
Bear you beyond yourself.
ARMANTE
I thank your counsel.
WINCHESTER
Be not o’er-flown with gall.
ARMANTE
No, I’ll take nothing.
Enter Clown.
WINCHESTER
Fellow, avoid the room!
CLOWN
The room?Wear it quarter day, I take you to be none of my landlord.Avoid without warning?
WINCHESTER
I ha’ business for the king here.
CLOWN
And I ha’ business for the king here too; that is to have a care to this lady my mistress, who is the king’s game.
ARMANTE
Game?
CLOWN
Yes, game.I’m sure his hawk with the long wing has flown at you.[To WINCHESTER.] I have as much to do here as you, and therefore avoid you the room.
ARMANTE
My lord, the fellow is silly.
CLOWN
For aught I know, he’s as silly as I am.
ARMANTE
Set not your wit to his.
CLOWN
I do not mean he shall.If he would give me a benefice to boot, I’ll not change my wit for his.My lord the Duke of Colchester — under whom I have an office about oysters — bids me a have an eye to his daughter.Now, sir, will I have two eyes.
WINCHESTER
A good servant.
CLOWN
Nay more:if I fetch my suspective glass — in which, standing at Queen Hive Dock, I can tell to a kernel how far Dover Pier is — I will then cast three eyes at her.
WINCHESTER
Ay, do so, do so.
CLOWN
Nay more, when I’m at age to wear woeful spectacles, my four eyes shall not have an eye to see, but I’ll look to her water.
WINCHESTER
Thou art too careful.Prithee, leave us now.
Stay, what’s thy name?
CLOWN
My name is Lapland.My mother was a witch, my father a broker, mine aunt cried ends of gold and silver, my grandsire went up and down with an ape.My lord of Landosses fine ape.Here a jolly kindred.
WINCHESTER
Born in London?
CLOWN
Yes, In the backside of Billingsgate.There are of my name i’th’city young gentlemen know the Laplands.There’s a cousin, a scrivener that can look through an inch-board his eyes are so sharp — has lap’d more lands in sheep-skin then all our backs can carry.
Enter KING.
WINCHESTER
Peace.Here’s the king.
KING
Leave us.
CLOWN
Avoid the room.
KING
Oh, my Armante.
ARMANTE
This is strange that I,
Who have so long been nipp’d even dead with could,
Should now have sunbeams warm me.Oh, sir, my wrongs —
KING
Come, dream not of them.I will fan them off
As if they ne’er had been; for here, Armante,
I vow tomorrow ere the god of day
Has put a golden ring about bright noon,
Thou shalt be mine, as fast in nuptial band
As I am thine by contract, and thy son,
With full consent of state freely proclim’d,
Mine and my kingdom’s heir, which to effect,
That contract which thou hast shall be enlarg’d.
ARMANTE
’Tis well enough already.
KING
But now it shall be made past all dissolving.
KING
Keep it and marry that then.Lie with that.
Call that your husband.If that paper king
Can get young paper princes of you, let him.
Come I with all my drossy scales fil’d off,
Polish’d and smooth’d, and do you use me still
As if I wear base metal?Rail no more at me.
Remember thus I came to you, thus leave you.
ARMANTE
Royal sir, the contract’s here.
KING
I will not touch it,
Not see it.Let me go, pray.
ARMANTE
‘Las, being before
I’th’falcon’s grip, I would be pinch’d no more.
KING
The falcon would fly from you.
ARMANTE
He shall not, see, sir,
Here as the dearest jewel of my fame,
Lock’d I this parchment from all covetous eyes.
This your indenture holds alone the life
Of my sick wasted honour, yet behold,
Into your hands I redeliver it.
KING
So, it is i’th’lion’s paw and who dares snatch it?
ARMANTE
Ha, you do but counterfeit to mock my joys.
KING
Away, bold strumpet! [Exit.
Enter Clown.
ARMANTE
Are there eyes in heaven to see this?
CLOWN
Mad maudlin, are you going to bedlam?
ARMANTE
Yes, let me have fresh straw.I am mad.
CLOWN
So am I.Let go your cat’s nails, or I’ll fall upon you, as I’m a man.
ARMANTE
Is the king gone, thou slave?
CLOWN
He’s gone, but not so far gone as you.
ARMANTE
Rocks leap out of the sea to fall upon me
And grind me into powder.
CLOWN
What powder?Come, what powder?When did you see any woman grinded into powder?I’m sure some of you powder men, and pepper ’em too.
ARMANTE
Away.I’ll be a ghost and haunt the king
Till want of sleep bids him run mad and die
For making oaths bawds to his perjury. [Exit.
Enter COLCHESTER.
COLCHESTER
How now, where’s my daughter?
CLOWN
Troth, my lord, I know not.The king was here.Out they fell about a writing, which he got from her.Through a crevice I saw all.
COLCHESTER
A writing?
CLOWN
Yes, sir, and her nails in her rage were currycombs in my hair, for she looks as wild as a gentleman frighted by a sergeant.
COLCHESTER
A writing?I divine the mischief. [Is going.
CLOWN
My lord, I would fain five up my cloak; this livery of waiting on my lady your daughter.I have some learning and am loath to grub my pen wholly in a woman’s business.There’s a goose-quill sticks in my stomach.I have a mighty desire to be bound to a chronicler, or some such lying trade.
COLCHESTER
Leave her not yet, I prithee.One storm blown o’er,
Take thine own course.
CLOWN
And then my muse will roar. [Exeunt.
Act Two, Scene One
ENTER ELDRED, EDMOND, PENDA and CAPTAIN VOLTIMAR.
ELDRED
All’s well.Our dice run fair.Fortune herself
Lends us a lucky hand.
EDMOND
The king throws on us
Bounties in such abundance they come rolling
Like waves on waves.We know not for what service
Unless because we brought him like French foot-posts
News of the two slain princes.But we hope
His kingly largess is a golden hook
At which some high attempt hangs, and on us
He means to put the execution.
VOLTIMAR
Will not you meet his offers?
OMNES
Oh, by all means.
PENDA
As eagerly as an old regiment
Of totter’d soldiers, who amon
A shirt’s half-sleeve, run on your fresh blown troops
Of gallants that come brisk into the field,
Of scarlet, larded thick with glittering lace
And feathers that plumed estridges outface.
VOLTIMAR
I am glad since all of you are come a-fishing,
Your nets are cast so well.
ELDRED
Pshew!Beyond face,
And this superfluous dandlings of the king
Teach all the court to dance us on their knees.
EDMOND
There’s not a morning but we break our fast
Upon the salutation of some duke,
Some earl, great lord or so, and passing by,
“Good morrow to Captain Gildas!”
ENDRED
“The good day
To noble Captain Uffa!”
PENDA
“Oh, Captain Conon,
Mine arms are proud to reach you!”
ELDRED
Says Duke Cornwall,
“Uffa, pray dine with me.”“I thank your grace.
PENDA
Says th’Earl of Chester, “Conon, prithee, see me
So soon as I ha’ din’d.”I come.Discourse
How here our main ballalia came up proudly;
Here the right wings flew hotly up; left here,
Pell mell; all here together by the ears;
Here wheel a troop of horse; the pikes charg’d there,
The bowmen yonder with their showers of arrows
Gall the French chevals, as they descend
That hill there; here our Saxons are at point
To fly, our captains swear ’em into courage;
Here they turn head again, and here my mounsieurs
Are maul’d, and cry “Mort Dieu!”Then, sir, I tell him
That in this quarter brave Prince Eldred fell,
Hack’d in a thousand pieces.
VOLTIMAR
So.
PENDA
Prince Edmond —
His body being nothing but a sign
Hung at a surgeon’s door — in yonder quarter.
VOLTIMAR
Good.
PENDA
And afar off in yon regiment,
Penda was cut in mammocks.I talk high,
Some truth, some lies, which ended my earl drops
Twenty half-pieces for more noise and number
Into my hand, I pocket them.
EDMOND
Soldiers were never
Bless’d with such days as these.
VOLTIMAR
Troth, so I think too.
How shall I get access now to the king,
For I’m so overgrown with hair, the guard
Will take me for a savage.
EDMOND
I’ll in and tell him.
ELDRED
You shall not.The labour’s sav’d.
Flourish.Enter KING, CORNWALL, and CHESTER.The three step to the KING.
KING
My Voltimar,
I will make haste to me thee, rise.Of all,
Of all those fiery spirits that flew to France,
Are all to cinders turn’d, but Voltimar?
VOLTIMAR
No, sir.Here’s a mess of us, set by for a second service.
KING
You wear a volume of arithmetic,
And now four figures are the sum of all.
I will be thrifty, and the rest being spent,
Make much of what’s here left me.Art well, Captain?
VOLTIMAR
Sir, my sword and I have ta’en physic in France.
KING
Art full of French crowns, honest Voltimar?
VOLTIMAR
We had our hands full of so many crack’d ones, they were not worth
KING
him.
< >es.
CORNWALL
And when my Pends fell?
VOLTIMAR
Yes, at my foot he fell.
KING
Were my brothers forward in the battle?
VOLTIMAR
As any.
CHESTER
The French did come up bravely, did they?
VOLTIMAR
Like the French.
CHESTER
We heard the fight lasted some seven hours.
VOLTIMAR
’Twas a pretty long breakfast.
CORNWALL
Was the French king i’th’field in person?
KING
Withdraw.
VOLTIMAR
Make much of these three men, sir. [Exeunt.Manent KING and VOLTIMAR.
KING
I wear them soldier,
As jewels on my bosom.I had thy letter.
VOLTIMAR
’Twas short.
KING
Only two words.�
�’Tis done.”
VOLTIMAR
And ’tis done, and almost as quickly done as those words were read.Would ‘twere to do again!
KING
Why?
VOLTIMAR
I would then forswear writing that court hand.’Tis done.
KING
Dost repent?
VOLTIMAR
Do not you?Would you and I stood upon equal bases, would I were your fellow but for half an hour’s talk, freely to ease my mind.My heart swells.It’s ready to burst.
KING
Unbutton then thy heart — for one half hour,
We are fellows.Come, be cover’d and talk boldly.
Whate’re it be, ’tis pardon’d.
VOLTIMAR
If it be not I care not.It’s but your “yea” and my “nay,” if you swear I’ll swear as fast as you.
KING
Well said.Let’s fall to’t. Come.
VOLTIMAR
Did not you sent me a letter which did cry out that Penda was a pernicious traitor; that you saw earthquakes in’s eyes to shake your kingdom, to toss you out of our throne; that if he stood you must fa
KING
’Tis true, I wrote so.
VOLTIMAR
’Tis false what you wrote so.Penda was no traitor.Penda was honest, honourable in all his actions, a soldier the world had no better; a man mortality has none so good, yet him, would you ruin, him!All this heap of admirable building have I for you demolish’d.You have made me both your butcher and your bawd.
KING
Bawd?
VOLTIMAR
Yes, bawd.I never was a carpenter till now.I have made a bridge of the husband’s body for you to go to his wife.
KING
Ha!
VOLTIMAR
Y’are a whoremaster.
KING
How?
VOLTIMAR
A most horrible whoremaster; the devil’s master point lies in the codpiece, and that point you have unti’d.Do you send me to win towns for you and you lose a kingdom at home?
KING
What kingdom?
VOLTIMAR
The fairest in the world, the kingdom of your fame, your honour, your soul.
KING
Wherein?
VOLTIMAR
I must be plain with you.
KING
So methinks you are.
VOLTIMAR
Angels err’d once and fell, but you, sir, spit in heaven’s face every minute and laugh at it.Laugh still, follow your courses, do.Let your vices run like your kennel of hounds yelping after you till they pluck down the fairest head i’th’herd, your everlasting bliss.
KING
Spit thy venom.
VOLTIMAR
’Tis aqua cælestis, no venom.
KING
Thy half hour is out.
VOLTIMAR
Turn up thy glass again.I will follow tr beat my gums in pieces.
KING
The barber that draws out a lion’s tooth
Curses his trade, and
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 62