To save their throats from bleeding and cut hers.
TRAPDOOR
This is the goll shall do’t.
SIR ALEXANDER
Be firm and gain me
Ever thine own. This done, I entertain thee:
How is thy name?
TRAPDOOR
My name sir is Ralph Trapdoor, honest Ralph.
SIR ALEXANDER
Trapdoor, be like thy name, a dangerous step
For her to venture on, but unto me —
TRAPDOOR
As fast as your sole to your boot or shoe, sir.
SIR ALEXANDER
Hence then, be little seen here as thou canst.
I’ll still be at thine elbow.
TRAPDOOR
The trapdoor’s set.
Moll, if you budge y’are gone; this me shall crown:
A roaring boy the Roaring Girl puts down.
SIR ALEXANDER
God-a-mercy, lose no time.
Exeunt.
Act II Scene 1.
THE THREE SHOPS open in a rank
The first a pothecary’s shop, the next a feather shop, the third a sempster’s shop: Mistress Gallipot in the first, Mistress Tiltyard in the next, Master Openwork and his wife in the third. To them enters Laxton, Goshawk and Greenwit.
MISTRESS OPENWORK
Gentlemen, what is’t you lack? What is’t you buy? See fine bands and ruffs, fine lawns, fine cambrics! What is’t you lack, gentlemen, what is’t you buy?
LAXTON
Yonder’s the shop.
GOSHAWK
Is that she?
LAXTON
Peace.
GREENWIT
She that minces tobacco.
LAXTON
Ay, she’s a gentlewoman born, I can tell you, tho’ it be her hard fortune now to shred Indian pot-herbs.
GOSHAWK
Oh, sir, ’tis many a good woman’s fortune, when her husband turns bankrout, to begin with pipes and set up again.
LAXTON
And indeed the raising of the woman is the lifting up of the man’s head at all times: if one flourish, t’other will bud as fast, I warrant ye.
GOSHAWK
Come, th’ art familiarly acquainted there, I grope that.
LAXTON
And you grope no better i’ th’ dark, you may chance lie i’ th’ ditch when y’are drunk.
GOSHAWK
Go, th’ art a mystical lecher.
LAXTON
I will not deny but my credit may take up an ounce of pure smoke.
GOSHAWK
May take up an ell of pure smock. Away, go! [Aside] ’Tis the closest striker. Life, I think he commits venery foot deep; no man’s aware on’t. I like a palpable smockster go to work so openly with the tricks of art that I’m as apparently seen as a naked boy in a vial, and were it not for a gift of treachery that I have in me to betray my friend when he puts most trust in me — mass, yonder he is too — and by his injury to make good my access to her, I should appear as defective in courting as a farmer’s son the first day of his feather that doth nothing at court but woo the hangings and glass windows for a month together, and some broken waiting-woman forever after. I find those imperfections in my venery that were ‘t not for flattery and falsehood, I should want discourse and impudence, and he that wants impudence among women is worthy to be kick’d out at beds’ feet. He shall not see me yet.
GREENWIT
Troth, this is finely shred.
LAXTON
Oh, women are the best mincers.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
‘T had been a good phrase for a cook’s wife, sir.
LAXTON
But ‘twill serve generally, like the front of a new almanac, as thus: calculated for the meridian of cooks’ wives, but generally for all Englishwomen.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Nay, you shall ha’t, sir, I have fill’d it for you.
She puts it to the fire.
LAXTON
The pipe’s in a good hand, and I wish mine always so.
GREENWIT
But not to be us’d a’ that fashion.
LAXTON
Oh, pardon me, sir, I understand no French.
[Greenwit doffs his hat and bows.]
I pray be cover’d. [Handing Goshawk a pipe] Jack, a pipe of rich smoke.
GOSHAWK
Rich smoke? That’s sixpence a pipe, is’t?
GREENWIT
To me, sweet lady.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
[Aside to Laxton] Be not forgetful: respect my credit, seem strange. Art and wit makes a fool of suspicion; pray be wary.
LAXTON
[Aside to Mistress Gallipot] Push, I warrant you! — Come, how is’t, gallants?
GREENWIT
Pure and excellent.
LAXTON
I thought ’twas good, you were grown so silent; you are like those that love not to talk at victuals, tho’ they make a worse noise i’ the nose than a common fiddler’s prentice and discourse a whole supper with snuffling. [Aside to Mistress Gallipot] I must speak a word with you anon.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
[Aside to Laxton] Make your way wisely then.
GOSHAWK
Oh, what else, sir? He’s perfection itself, full of manners, but not an acre of ground belonging to [’im].
GREENWIT
Ay, and full of form: h’as ne’er a good stool in’s chamber.
GOSHAWK
But above all religious: he preyeth daily upon elder brothers.
GREENWIT
And valiant above measure; h’as run three streets from a sergeant.
LAXTON
Puh, puh!
He blows tobacco in their faces.
GREENWIT, GOSHAWK
Oh, puh, ho, ho!
[They move away.]
LAXTON
So, so.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
What’s the matter now, sir?
LAXTON
I protest I’m in extreme want of money: if you can supply me now with any means, you do me the greatest pleasure, next to the bounty of your love, as ever poor gentleman tasted.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
What’s the sum would pleasure ye, sir? Tho’ you deserve nothing less at my hands.
LAXTON
Why, ’tis but for want of opportunity, thou know’st. [Aside] I put her off with opportunity still. By this light, I hate her but for means to keep me in fashion with gallants, for what I take from her I spend upon other wenches. Bear her in hand still; she has wit enough to rob her husband, and I ways enough to consume the money. — [Approaching Goshawk from behind and slapping him on the back] Why, how now? What, the chincough?
GOSHAWK
Thou hast the cowardliest trick to come before a man’s face and strangle him ere he be aware! I could find in my heart to make a quarrel in earnest.
LAXTON
Pox and thou dost — thou know’st I never use to fight with my friends — thou’ll but lose thy labour in’t.
Enter J[ack] Dapper and his man Gull.
Jack Dapper!
GREENWIT
Monsieur Dapper, I dive down to your ankles.
JACK
Save ye gentlemen, all three in a peculiar salute.
GOSHAWK
[Aside to Laxton] He were ill to make a lawyer: he dispatches three at once.
LAXTON
So, well said.
[Mistress Gallipot secretly gives him money.]
But is this of the same tobacco, Mistress Gallipot?
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
The same you had at first, sir.
LAXTON
I wish it no better: this will serve to drink at my chamber.
GOSHAWK
Shall we taste a pipe on’t?
LAXTON
Not of this, by my troth, gentlemen; I have sworn before you.
GOSHAWK
What, not Jack Dapper?
LAXTON
&nbs
p; Pardon me, sweet Jack, I’m sorry I made such a rash oath, but foolish oaths must stand. Where art going, Jack?
JACK
Faith, to buy one feather.
LAXTON
[Aside] One feather? The fool’s peculiar still.
JACK
Gull.
GULL
Master.
JACK
Here’s three halfpence for your ordinary, boy; meet me an hour hence in Paul’s.
GULL
How! Three single halfpence! Life, this will scarce serve a man in sauce, a hal’p’orth of mustard, a hal’p’orth of oil, and a hal’p’orth of vinegar. What’s left then for the pickle herring? This shows like small beer i’ th’ morning after a great surfeit of wine o’ernight. He could spend his three pound last night in a supper amongst girls and brave bawdy-house boys; I thought his pockets cackl’d not for nothing. These are the eggs of three pound; I’ll go sup ’em up presently.
Exit Gull.
LAXTON
[Aside, counting his money] Eight, nine, ten angels. Good wench, i’faith, and one that loves darkness well: she puts out a candle with the best tricks of any drugster’s wife in England; but that which mads her, I rail upon opportunity still and take no notice on’t. The other night she would needs lead me into a room with a candle in her hand to show me a naked picture, where no sooner entered but the candle was sent of an arrant; now I not intending to understand her, but, like a puny at the inns of venery, call’d for another light innocently: thus reward I all her cunning with simple mistaking. I know she cozens her husband to keep me, and I’ll keep her honest as long as I can to make the poor man some part of amends: an honest mind of a whoremaster! — How think you amongst you? What, a fresh pipe? Draw in a third man.
GOSHAWK
No, you’re a hoarder; you engross by th’ ounces.
At the feather shop now
JACK
Puh, I like it not.
[MISTRESS] TILTYARD
What feather is’t you’ld have, sir?
These are most worn and most in fashion
Amongst the beaver gallants, the stone riders,
The private stage’s audience, the twelvepenny-stool gentlemen:
I can inform you ’tis the general feather.
JACK
And therefore I mislike it; tell me of general!
Now a continual Simon and Jude’s rain
Beat all your feathers as flat down as pancakes.
Show me a spangled feather.
MISTRESS TILTYARD
Oh, to go
A-feasting with? You’d have it for a [hench]-boy;
You shall.
At the sempster’s shop now
OPENWORK
Mass, I had quite forgot
His honour’s footman was here last night, wife.
Ha’ you done with my lord’s shirt?
MISTRESS OPENWORK
What’s that to you, sir?
I was this morning at his honour’s lodging
Ere such a [snail] as you crept out of your shell.
OPENWORK
Oh, ’twas well done, good wife!
MISTRESS OPENWORK
I hold it better, sir, than if you had done ‘t yourself.
OPENWORK
Nay, so say I. But is the countess’s smock almost done, mouse?
MISTRESS OPENWORK
Here, yes, the cambric, sir, but wants, I fear me.
OPENWORK
I’ll resolve you of that presently.
MISTRESS OPENWORK
[Hoyda]! Oh, audacious groom,
Dare you presume to noblewomen’s linen?
Keep you your yard to measure shepherd’s holland!
I must confine you, I see that.
At the tobacco shop now.
GOSHAWK
What say you to this gear?
LAXTON
I dare the arrant’s[t] critic in tobacco
To lay one fault upon’t.
Enter Moll in a frieze jerkin and a black safeguard.
GOSHAWK
Life, yonder’s Moll!
LAXTON
Moll? Which Moll?
GOSHAWK
Honest Moll.
LAXTON
Prithee, let’s call her. Moll!
[GOSHAWK, GREENWIT]
Moll, Moll, pist, Moll!
MOLL
How now, what’s the matter?
GOSHAWK
A pipe of good tobacco, Moll?
MOLL
I cannot stay.
GOSHAWK
Nay, Moll, puh! Prithee hark, but one word, i’faith.
MOLL
Well, what is’t?
GREENWIT
Prithee come hither, sirrah.
LAXTON
[Aside] Heart, I would give but too much money to be nibbling with that wench! Life, sh’as the spirit of four great parishes, and a voice that will drown all the city; methinks a brave captain might get all his soldiers upon her and ne’er be beholding to a company of Mile End milksops, if he could come on and come off quick enough. Such a Moll were a marrow-bone before an Italian; he would cry bona roba till his ribs were nothing but bone. I’ll lay hard siege to her; money is that aqua fortis that eats into many a maidenhead: where the walls are flesh and blood, I’ll ever pierce through with a golden auger.
GOSHAWK
Now thy judgment, Moll: is’t not good?
MOLL
Yes, faith, ’tis very good tobacco. How do you sell an ounce? Farewell. God b’i’you, Mistress Gallipot.
GOSHAWK
Why, Moll, Moll!
MOLL
I cannot stay now, i’faith. I am going to buy a shag ruff; the shop will be shut in presently.
GOSHAWK
’Tis the maddest, fantastical’st girl: I never knew so much flesh and so much nimbleness put together.
LAXTON
She slips from one company to another, like a fat eel between a Dutchman’s fingers. [Aside] I’ll watch my time for her.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Some will not stick to say she’s a man
And some both man and woman.
LAXTON
That were excellent: she might first cuckold the husband and then make him do as much for the wife.
The feather shop again.
MOLL
Save you. How does Mistress Tiltyard?
JACK
Moll.
MOLL
Jack Dapper.
JACK
How dost, Moll?
MOLL
I’ll tell thee by and by; I go but to th’ next shop.
JACK
Thou shalt find me here this hour about a feather.
MOLL
Nay, and a feather hold you in play a whole hour, a goose will last you all the days of your life.
The sempster shop
Let me see a good shag ruff.
OPENWORK
Mistress Mary, that shalt thou i’faith, and the best in the shop.
MISTRESS OPENWORK
How now! Greetings? Love-terms with a pox between you! Have I found out one of your haunts? I send you for hollands, and you’re i’ th’ low countries with a mischief. I’m serv’d with good ware by th’ shift, that makes it lie dead so long upon my hands: I were as good shut up shop, for when I open it I take nothing.
OPENWORK
Nay, and you fall a-ringing once the devil cannot stop you. I’ll out of the belfry as fast as I can. Moll.
MISTRESS OPENWORK
Get you from my shop.
MOLL
I come to buy.
MISTRESS OPENWORK
I’ll sell ye nothing; I warn ye my house and shop.
MOLL
You goody Openwork, you that prick out a poor living
And sews many a bawdy skin-coat together,
Thou private pandress between shirt and smock,
I wish thee for a minute but a man:
Thou shouldst never use more shap
es. But as th’ art
I pity my revenge: now my spleen’s up,
I would not mock it willingly.
Enter a Fellow with a long rapier by his side.
Ha! Be thankful.
Now I forgive thee.
MISTRESS OPENWORK
Marry, hang thee;
I never ask’d forgiveness in my life.
MOLL
You, goodman swine’s-face!
FELLOW
What, will you murder me?
MOLL
You remember, slave, how you abus’d me t’other night in a tavern?
FELLOW
Not I, by this light.
MOLL
No, but by candlelight you did. You have tricks to save your oaths, reservations have you, and I have reserved somewhat for you. [Strikes him.] As you like that, call for more; you know the sign again.
FELLOW
Pox on’t, had I brought any company along with me to have borne witness on’t; ’twould ne’er have griev’d me; but to be struck and nobody by, ’tis my ill fortune still. Why, tread upon a worm, they say ‘twill turn tail, but indeed a gentleman should have more manners.
Exit Fellow.
LAXTON
Gallantly performed, i’faith, Moll, and manfully! I love thee forever for’t! Base rogue! Had he offer’d but the least counterbuff, by this hand I was prepared for him.
MOLL
You prepared for him! Why should you be prepared for him? Was he any more than a man?
LAXTON
No, nor so much by a yard and a handful London measure.
MOLL
Why do you speak this then? Do you think I cannot ride a stone horse unless one lead him by th’ snaffle?
LAXTON
Yes, and sit him bravely; I know thou canst, Moll. ’Twas but an honest mistake through love, and I’ll make amends for’t any way. Prithee, sweet, plump Moll, when shall thou and I go out a’ town together?
MOLL
Whither? To Tyburn prithee?
LAXTON
Mass, that’s out a’ town indeed; thou hang’st so many jests upon thy friends still. I mean honestly to Brainford, Staines or Ware.
MOLL
What to do there?
LAXTON
Nothing but be merry and lie together; I’ll hire a coach with four horses.
MOLL
I thought ’twould be a beastly journey. You may leave out one well: three horses will serve if I play the jade myself.
LAXTON
Nay, push, th’ art such another kicking wench! Prithee be kind and let’s meet.
MOLL
’Tis hard but we shall meet, sir.
LAXTON
Nay, but appoint the place then. [Giving her money] There’s ten angels in fair gold, Moll; you see I do not trifle with you. Do but say thou wilt meet me, and I’ll have a coach ready for thee.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 163