Sound an Allarum therefore (O thou my couragious Muse) and like a Dutch cryer make proclamation with thy Drum: the effect of thine O-yes, being, That if any man, woman, or child, be he Lord, be he Lowne, be he Courtier, be he Carter, of ye Innes a Court, or Innes of Citty, that hating from the bottome of his heart, all good manners and generous education, is really in loue, or rather doates on that excellent country Lady, Innocent simplicity, being the first, fairest, and chiefest Chamber-maide that our great Grandame Eue, entertained into seruice: Or if any person aforesaid longing to make a voyage in the ship of Fooles, would venture all the wit that his mother left him, to liue in the country of Guls, Cockneyes, and Coxcombs; to the intent that hau¯ting Theaters, he may fit there like a popiniay, onely to learne Play-spéeches, which afterward may furnish ye necessity of his bare knowledge, to maintaine table talke, or else heating Tauernes, desires to take the Bacchanalian degrées, and to waite himselfe in Arte bibendi magister: that at ordinaries would sit like Bias•e, and in the stréets walke like a braggart, that on foote longs to goe like a French Lacque, and on horse-backe rides like an English Tailor, or that from seuen yeares and vpward, till his dying day, has a monethes mind to haue ye Guls Horn-booke by heart, by which in time he may be promoted to serue any Lord in Europ, as his crafty Foole or his bawdy Iester, yea and to be so déere to his Lordship, as for the excellency of his fooling, to be admitted both to ride in Coach with him, and to lie at his very féete on a truckle-bed. Let all such (and I hope the world has not left her olde fashions. but there are ten thousand such) repaire hither. Neuer knocke, you that striue to be Ninny-hammer) but with your féete spurne open the doore and enter into our Schoole: you shall not néede to buy bookes, no, scorne to distinguish a B from a battle doore, onely looke that your eares be long enough to reach our Rudiments, and you are made for euer. It is by heart that I would haue you to con my lessons, and therefore be sure to haue most deuouring stomaches. Nor be you terrified with an opinion that our Rules be hard and indigestible, or that you shall neuer be good Graduates in these rare sciences of Barbarisme, and Idiotisme: Oh fie vppon any man that carries that vngodly minde! Tush, tush, Tarleton, Kemp, nor Singer, nor all the litter of Fooles that now come drawling behinde them, neuer plaid the Clownes more naturally then the arrantest Sot of you all, shall, if hee will but boyle my Instructions in his brainepan.
And lest I my selfe, like some Pedanticall Vicar, stammering out a most false and crackt latine oration to maiester Maior of the towne, and his brethren, should cough and hem in my deliueries, by which meanes you (my Auditors) should be in danger to depart more like woodcockes then when you came to me: O thou venerable father of antient (and therefore hoary) customes, Syluanus, I inuoke thy assistance; thou that first taughtest Carters to weare hob-nailes, and Lobs to play Christmas gambols, and to shew the most beastly horse-trickes: O do thou, or (if thou art not at leasure) let thy Mountibancke goat-footed Fauni, inspire me, with the knowledge of all those silly and ridiculous fashions, which the old dunsticall world woare euen out at elbowes: draw for me the pictures of the most simple fellowes then liuing, that by their patterns I may paint the like. Awake thou noblest drunkerd Bacchus, thou must likewise stand to me (if at least thou canst for réeling) teach me ( you soueraigne Skinker) how to take the Germanies vpsy freeze; the Danish Rowsa, the Switzers stoap of Rhenish, the Italians Parmizant: the Englishmans healthes, his hoopes, cans, halfe cans, Gloues, Frolicks and flap dragons, together with the most notorious qualities of the truest tospots, as when to cast, when to quarrell, when to fight, and where to sléepe: hide not a drop of thy moist mystery from me, (thou plumpest swil-bowle) but (like an honest red-nosed wine bibber) lay open all thy secrets & ye mystical Hierogliphick of Rashers ath coales, Modicums & Shooing hornes, and why they were inuented, for what occupations, and when to be vsed. Thirdly (because I will haue more then two strings to my bow) Comus, thou Clarke of Gluttonies Kitchen, doe thou also bid me proface, and let me not rise from table, till I am perfect in all the generall rules of Epicures and Cormorants. Fatten thou my braines that I may féede others, and teach them both how to squat downe to their meat, and how to munch, so like Loobies, that the wisest Solon in the world shall not be able to take them for any other. If there be any strength in thée, thou beggerly monarke of Indians, and setter-vp of rotten-lungd chimney-swéepers (Tobacco) I beg it at thy smoaky hands: make me thine adopted heire, that inheriting the vertues of thy whiffes, I may distribute them amongst all nations, and make the phantastick Englishmen (aboue the rest) more cunning in the distinction of thy Rowle Trinidado, Leafe and Pudding, then the whitest toothd Blackamoore in all Asia. After thy pipe, shal ten thousands be taught to daunce, if thou wilt but discouer to me the swéetnesse of thy snuffes, with the manner of spawling, slauering, spetting and driueling in all places, and before all persons. Oh what songs will I charme out in praise of those valiantly-strong-stinking breaths. which are easily purchast at thy hands, if I can but get thée to trauell through my nose. All the foh’s in the fairest Ladies mouth that euer kist Lord, shall not fright me from thy browne presence: for thou art humble, and from the Courts of Princes hast vouchsafed to be acquainted with penny galleries, and (like a good-fellow) to be drunke for company, with Water-men, Carmen and Colliers, wheras before, and so still, Knights and wis• Gentlemen were, & are thy companions. Last of all, thou Lady of Clownes and Carters, Schoolemistres of fooles and wisacres, thou hemely (but harmelesse) Rusticity, Oh breath thy dull and dunsticall spirit into our ganders quill; crowne me thy Poet, not with a garland of Bayes, (oh no! the number of those that steals Lawret is too monstrous already) but swaddle thou my browes with those vnhansome boughes, which (like Autums rotten haire) hang dangling ouer thy dusty eye-lids. Helpe me (thou midwife of vnmannerlinesse) to be deliuered of this Embryon that lies tumbling in my braine: direct me in this hard and dangerous voyage, that being safely arriued on the desired shore, I may build vp Altars to to thy Vnmatcheable Rudenesse: the excellency whereof I know will be so great, that Grout-nowles and Moames will in swannes fly buzzing about thee. So Herculean a labour is this that I vndertake, that I am enforcd to ball out for all your succours, to the intent I may aptly furnish this feast of Fooles, vnto which I solemnely inuite all the world: for at it shall sit not only those whom Fortune fauours, but euen those whose wits are naturally their owne. Yet because your artificiall Fooles beare away the bell, all our best workmanship (at this time) shall be spent to fashion such a Creature.
CHAP. I. THE OLD WORLD & THE NEW WAIGHED TOGETHER: T THE TAILORS OF THOSE TIMES AND THESE COMPARED: THE APPARELL AND DYET OF OUR FIRST FATHERS.
GOOD Cloathes are the embrodred trappings of pride, and good cheere the very Eringo-roote of gluttony: so that fine backes, and fat bellies are Coach-horses to two of the seuen deadly sins: In the bootes of which Coach, Lechery and Sloth fit like the waiting-maide. In a most desperate state therefore doe Taylors and Cookes stand by meanes of their offices, for both those trades are Apple-squices, to that couple of sinnes. The one inuents more phantasticke fashions, then Fraunce hath worne since her first stone was laid: the other more likerish Epvcurean dishes, then were euer serud vp to Gallonius table. Did man (thinke you) come wrangling into the world, about no better matters, then all his life time to make priuy searches in Bucch•n-law for Whalebone doublets, or for pies of Nightingale tongues in Heliogabalus his kitchin? No no, the first suit of apparell that euer mortall man put on, came neither from the Mercers shop, nor the Merchants ware-house: Adams bill would haue béene taken then sooner then a Knights bond now, yet was hee great in no bodies bookes for satten and veluets: the silk-wormes had something else to do in those dayes then to set vp loomes and be frée of the weauers, his bréeches were not so much worth as K. Stephens that cost but a poore noble: for Adam holyday hose and doublet were of no better stuffe then plaine fig leaues, and Eues best gowne of the same péece, there went but a paire of sheeres betwéene them. An Antiquary in this towne, has yet some of the powder of those leaues dryed to
shew. Taylors then were none of the twelue Companies: their Hall that now is larger then some Dorpes among the Netherlands, was then no bigger then a Dutch Butchers shop• they durst not strike downe their customers with large hilles: Adam cared not an apple-paring for all their lowzy hems. There was then neither the Spanish slop, nor the Skippers galligas••: the Switzers blistred Cod-péece, nor the Danish sléeue, sagging downe like a Welsh wallet, the Italians close strosser, nor the French standing coller: your trebble-quadruple Daedalian ruffes, nor your stiffe necked Rebatoes (that haue more arches for pride to row vnder, then can stand vnder fiue London Bridges) durst not then set themselues out in print: for the pattent for starch could by no meanes bee signd. Fashions then was counted a disease, and horses dyed of it: But now (thankes to folly) it is held the onely rare phisicke, and the purest golden Asses liue vpon it.
As for the dyet of that Saturnian age, it was like their attire, homely: A sallad, and a messe of léeke porridge, was a dinner for a farre greater man then euer the Turke was: Potato-pies and Custards, stood like the sinfull suburbs of Cookery, and had not a wall (so much as a handfull hie) built rownd about them. There were no daggers then, nor no Chayres Crookes his ordinary in those parsimonious dayes, had not a Capons leg to throw at a dog. Oh golden world, the suspicious Venecian carued not his meate with a siluer pitch forke: neither did the swéet toothd Englishman shift a dozen of trenchers at one meale. Peirs ploughman layd the cloth, and Simplicity brought in the voyder. How wonderfully is the world altered? and no maruell, for it has lyen sicke almost fiue thousand yeares: So that it is no more like the old Theater du munde then old Paris garden is like the Kings garden at Paris.
What an excellent workeman therefore were he that could cast the Globe of it into a new mould: And not to make it looke like Mullineux his Globe with arownd face sleekt and washt ouer with whites of egges; but to haue it in Plano, as it was at first, with all the ancient circles, lines, paralels and figures, representing indéede, all the wrinckles, crackes, creuises and flawes that (like the Mole on Hartens chéeke, being os amoris) stuck vpon it at the first creation, and made it looke most louely; but now those surrowes are fild vp with Ceruse and Uermilion, yet all will not doe, it appeares more vgly. Come, come, it would be but a bald world, but that it weares a periwig. The body of it is fowle (like a birding-péece) by being too much heated: the breath of it stinks like the mouthes of Chamber-maides by féeding on so many swéet meats. And though to purge it wil be a sorer labour then the clensing of Augeaes stable, or the scowring of Moore-ditch: yet Ille ego, qui quondam, I am the Pasquilles mad-cap, that will doot.
Draw néere therefore all you that loue to walke vpon single and simple soules, and that with to kéepe company with none but Innocents, and the sonnes of ciuill Citizens, out with your tables, and naile your eares, (as it were to the pillary) to the Musique of our instructions: nor let ye title Gullery, fright you fro¯ schoole: for marke what an excellent ladder you are to clime by. How many worthy, and men of famous memory (for their learning of all offices, from the scauenger and so vpward) haue flourished in London, of ye ancient familie of ye Wiseacres, being now no better estéemd then fooles and yonger brothers? This geare must be lookt into, lest in time (O lamentable time when that houre-glasse is turnd vp) a rich mans sonne shall no sooner péepe out of the shell of his minority, but he shall straight waies be begd for a concealement, or set vpon (as it were by frée-booters) and tane in his owne purse-nets by fencers and cony-catchers. To driue which pestilent infection from the heart, heeres a medicine more potent and more precious then was euer that mingle mangle of drugs which Mithrydates boyld together. Feare not to tast it, a cawdle will not goe downe halfe so smoothly as this will: you néede not call the honest name of it in question, for Antiquity puts off his cap, and makes a bare oration in praise of the vertues of it: the Receipt hath béene subscribed vnto, by all those that haue had to doe with Simples with this moth-eaten Motto, Probatum est: your Diacatholicon aureum, that with gun-powder brings threatens, to blow vp all diseases that come in his way, & smels worse then Assa soetida in respect of this. You therefore whose bodyes either ouerflowing with the corrupt humours of this ages phantasticknesse, or else being burnt vp with the infla¯mation of vpstart fashions, would faine be purgd: and to shew that you truly loath this polluted and mangy-fisted world, turne Pimonists, not caring either for men or their maners; doe you pledge me: spare not to •ake a déepe draught of our homely councell: the cup is full, and so •rge, that I holdly drinke a health vnto all commers.
CHAP. II. HOW A YOUNG GALLANT SHALL NOT ONELY KEEPE HIS CLOTHES (WHICH MANY OF THEM CAN HARDLY DOE FOR BROKERS) BUT ALSO SAUE THE CHARGES OF TAKING PHYSICKE: WITH OTHER RULES FOR THE MORNING. THE PRAISE OF SLEEPE AND OF GOING NAKED.
YOU haue heard all this while nothing but the Prologue, and séene no more but a dumbe shew: Our Vetus Comaedia steps out now. The fittest stay, vpon which you (that study to be an Actor there) are first to present your selfe, is in my approued iudgement) the softest and largest Downe-bed: from whence (if you will but take sound councell of your pillow) you shall neuer rise till you heare it ring noone at least. Sléepe in the name of Morpheus your belly full, or (rather) sléepe till you heare your belly grombies and waxeth empty. Care not for those coorse painted cloath rimes, made by ye Uniuersity of Salerne, that come ouer you, with
S• breuis, aut nullus; tibi somnus meridianus.
Short let thy sleepe at noone be,
Or rather let it none be.
Swéete candied councell, but theres rats-bane vnder it: trust neuer a Bachiler of Art of them all, for he speakes your health faire but to steale away the maidenhead of it: Salerne stands in the luxurious country of Naples, and who knowes not that the Neapolitan, will (like Derick the hang-man) embrace you with one arme, and rip your guts with the other? theres not a haire in his Mustachoo, but if he kisse you; will stabbe you through the chéekes like a penyard: the slaue to be auenged on his enemy, will drink off a pint of poison himselfe, so ye he may be sure to haue the other pledge him but halfe so much: And it may be that vpon some secret grudge to worke the generall destruction of all mankinde, those verses were composed. Phisitians I know (and none else) tooke vp the bucklers in their defence, railing bitterly vpon that venerable and princely custome of Long lying a bed: Yet now I remember me, I cannot blame them: for they which want sléepe (which is mans naturall rest become either meere Naturals, or else fall into the Doctors hands, and so consequently into the Lords: whereas he that snorts profoundly scornes to let Hippocrates himselfe stand tooting on his Urinall: and thereby saues that charges of a groates-worth of Physicke: And happy is that man that saues it: for phisick is, Non minus venefica, quàm benefica, it hath an ounce of gall in it, for euery dram of hony. Ten Tyburnes cannot turne men ouer ye pearch so fast as one of these brewers of purgations: the very nerues of their practise, being nothing but Ars Homicidiorum, an Art to make poore soules kick vp their héeles. In so much that euen their sicke grunting patients, stand in more danger of M. Doctor and his drugs then of all the Cannon shots which the desperate disease it selfe can discharge against them. Send them packing therefore to walke like Italian Mountibankes, beate not your braines to vnderstand their parcell-gréeke, parcell-latine gibrish: let not all their sophisticall buzzing into your eares, nor their Satyricall canuasing of feather-beds and tossing men out of their warme blanckers, awake you till the houre that héere is prescribed.
For doe but consider what an excellent thing sléepe is: It is so inestimable a Iewell, that if a Tyrant would giue his crowne for an houres slumber, it cannot be bought: of so beautifull a shape is it, that tho a man lye with an Empresse, his heart can not be at quiet, till he leaues her embracements to be at rest with the other: yea so greatly indebted are we to this kinseman of death, that we owe the better tributary, halfe of our life to him: and thers good cause why we should do so: for sleepe is that golden chaine that ties health and our bodies together. Who complaines of want? of woundes? of cares? of great men
s oppressions? of captiuity? whilest hée sléepeth? Beggers in their beds take as much pleasure as Kings: can we therefore surfet on this delicate Ambrosia? can we drink too much of that whereof to tast too little, tumbles vs into a Church-yard, and to vse it but indifferently, throwes vs into Bedlam? No, no, looke vppon Endymion, the Moones Minion, who stept thréescore & fiftéene yeares and was not a haire the worse for it. Can lying abedde till noone then (being not the thréescore and fifteenth thousand part of his nap be hurtfull?
Besides, by the opinion of all Phylosophers and Physitians, it is not good to trust the aire with our bodies till the Sun with his flame-coloured wings hath fand away the mistrie smoake of the morning, and refind that thicke tobacco-breath which the rheumaticke night throwes abroad of purpose to put out the eye of the Clement: which worke questionlesse cannot be perfectly finisht till the Sunnes Car-horses stand prancing on the very top of highest noone: so yt then, (and not till then) is the most healthfull houce to be stirring. Do you require examples to perswade you? At what time do Lords and Ladies vse to rise but then? your simpring Merchants wiues are the fairest lyers in the world, and is not eleuen a clocke their common houre? they finde (no doubt) vnspeakeable swéet•esse in such lying, else they would not day by day put it so in practise. In a word, mid day slumbers are golden, they make the body fat, the skin faire, the flesh plump delicate and tender; they set a russet colour on the chéekes of young women, and make lusty courage to rise vp in men: they make vs thirfty, both in sparing victuals (for breakefasts thereby are sand from the hell-mouth of the belly) and in preseruing apparell: for whilest wée warme vs in our beds, our cloathes are not worne.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 227