This noble and notable Act being performed you are to vanish presently out of the Quire, & to appeare againe the •alk; But in any wise be not obserued to t•e•d there long alone, for feare you be suspected to be a Gallant, ••sh••rd from the of Captens and Figh•ers.
Sucke this humour vp especially Put off to none vnlesse his hatband be of a •uainter: but for him that about his h•tte, (though he were an Aldermans sonne) neuer moue to him: for hees suspected to be worse then a Gull,• not worth the putting off to, that cannot obserue the time of his hat•band, nor know what fashiond block is most kin to his head: for in my opinion, ye braine that cannot choise his Felt well, (being the head ornament) must needes powre folly into all the rest of the members, and bée an absolute confirmed Foole, in Summa Totali.
All the diseasd horses in a tedious seige, cannot shew so many fashions, as are to be séene for nothing euery day in Duke Humfryes walke. If therefore you determine to enter into a new suit, warne your T•lor to atte•d you in Powles who, with his hat in his hand, shall like a spy discouer the stuffe, colour, and fashion of any doublet or hose that dare be séene there and stepping behind a pilles to fill his table-bookes with those notes, will presently send you into the world an accomplisht man, by which meanes you shall weare your clothes in print wt the first edition.
But if Fortune fauour you so much as to make you no more then a méere country gentleman, or but some degrées remoud fi• him (for which I should be very sor•e, because your London-experience wil cost you before you shal haue ye wit to know what you are) then take this lesson along with you: The first time that you Powles, passe through the body of the Church like a P•r•er, yet presume not to fetch so much as one whole turne in the middle Ile, no nor to cast an eye to Siquis d•o•e (pasted & plais••ed vp with Seruingmens supplications) before you haue paid tribute to the top of Powles steeple with a single penny when you are mounted there, take heede how you •oo•e downe into the yard; for the ra••es are as as your great Grand-father: and therupon it will not be if you how •it Woodros•e durst vault ouer, and what reason h• had •or•, to put his necke in hazard of reparations. From hence you may descend to talke about the horse that went vp, and to know his keeper, take the day of the Moneth, and the number of the steppes, and suffer your selfe to beleeue verily that it was not a horse, but something else in the likenesse of one. Which wonders you may publish when into the country, to the great amazement of all Farme•s daughters that will almost swound at the report, and neuer recouer till their ba•es bee asked twice in the Church.
But I haue not left you yet: Before you come downe againe, I would desire you to draw your knife, and graue your name, (or for want of a name, the marke which you clap on your shéep) in great Caracters vpon the leades by a number of your brethren (both Citizens and country Gentlemen) and so you shall be sure to haue your name lye in a coffin of lead when your selfe shall be wrapt in a winding-shéete: and indeed the top of Powles conteins more names then Stowes Cronicle. These lofty tricks being plaid, and you (thanks to your féete) being safely ariud at the st••es •oote againe, your next worthy worke is, to repaire to my Lord Chancellors Tomb (and if you can but reasonably spel) bestow some time vpon ye reading of sir Phillip Sydneyes briefe Epitaph in the compasse of an houre you may make shift to stumble it out. The great Dyall is your last monument, there bestow some halfe of the thréescore minutes, to obserue the sawcinesse of the Iackes, that are aboue the man in the moone there: the strangenesse of the motion will quit your labour. Besides, you may héere haue fit occasion to discouer your watch by taking it forth, and setting the whéeles to the time of Powles, which I assure you goes truer by fiue notes then S. Sepulchers Chimes. The benefit that wil arise from hence is this, yt you publish your Change in maintaining a gilded clocke; and withall the world shall know that you are a time-pleaser. By this I imagine you haue walkt your belly ful, & therupon being weary, or (which rather I beléeue) being most Gentleman-like hungry, it is fit that as I brought you into the Duke, so (because he followes the fashion of great men, in kéeping no house, and that therefore you must go séeke your dinner) suffer me to take you by the hand, and lead you into an Ordinary.
CHAP. V. HOW A YONG GALLANT SHOULD BEHAUE HIMSELFE IN AN ORDINARY.
FIRST, Hauing diligently enquired out an Ordinary of the largest reckoning, whither most of your Courtly Gallants do resort, let it be your vse to repaire thither some halfe houre after eleuen, for then you shall find most of your fashion-mongers planted in the roome waiting for meate: ride thither vpon your galloway-nag, or your Spanish Iennet, a swift ambling pace, in your hose and doublet (gilt rapier & poniard bestowd in their places) and your French Lackey, carrying your cloake, and running before you, or rather in a coach, for that will both hide you from the baseliske-eyes of your creditors, and out-runne a whole kennell of bitter mouthd Serieants.
Being ariud in the roome, salute not any but those of your acquaintance: walke vp and downe by the rest as scornfully and as carelesly as a Gentleman Usher: Select some friend (hauing first throwne off your cloake) to walke vp and downe the roome with you, let him be suited if you can, worse by farre then your selfe, he will be a foyle to you: & this will be a meanes to publish your clothes better then Powles, a Tennis-court, or a Play-house: discourse as lowd as you can, no matter to what purpose, if you but make a noise, and laugh in fashion, and haue a good sower face to promise quarrelling, you shall bée much obserued.
If you be a souldier, talke how often you haue béene in action: as the Portingale voyage Cales voiage, the Iland voiage, besides some eight or nine imploiments in Ireland and the low Countries: then you may discourse how honorably your Graue vsed you: obserue that you cal your Graue Maurice your Graue; How often you haue drunk with Count such a one, and such a Count on your knées to your Graues health: and let it bee your vertue to giue place neither to S. Kynock, nor to any Dutchman, whatsoeuer in the seuentéene Prouinces for that Souldiers complement of drinking. And if you perceiue that the vntraueld company about you take this downe well, ply them with more such stuffe, as, how you haue interpreted betwéene the French King, and a great Lord of Barbary, when they haue béen drinking healthes together, and that will be an excellent occasion to publish your languages, if you haue them; if not, get some fragments of french, or smal parcels of Italian to fling about the table; but beware how you speake any latine there, your Ordinary most commonly hath no more to do with Latine then a desperate towne of Garison hath.
If you be a Courtier, discourse of the obtaining of Suits: of your mistresses fauours, &c. Make inquiry if any gentleman at boord haue any suit to get, which he would vse ye good means of a great mans Interest with the King: and withall (if you haue not so much grace left in you as to blush) that you are (thankes to your starres) in mightie credit, though in your owne conscience you know, and are guilty to your selfe that you dare not, (but onely vpon the priuiledges of hansome clothes) presume to péepe into the presence. Demand if there bee any Gentleman, (whom any there is acquainted with) that is troubled with two offices; or any Uicar with two Church-liuings; which will pollitickly insinuate, that your inquiry after them, is because you haue good meanes to obtaine them; yea; and rather then your tongue should not be heard in the roome, but that you should sit (like an A••e) with your sinner in your mouth and speake nothing: discourse how often this Lady hath sent her Coach for you: and h•w o•ten you haue swe•t in the Tennis-court with that great Lord: for indéede the sweating together in Fraunce (I meane the society of Tennis) is a great argument ••most déere affection, euen betweene noble men and Pesants.
If you be a Poet and come into the Ordinary (though it can be no great glory to be an ordinary Poet) order your se••e thus: Obserue no man, dost not cap to that Gentleman to day at dinner, to whom not two nights since you were behold•n for a supper, but after a turne or two in the roome, take occasion (pulling out your gloues) to haue some Epigram, or Satyre or Sonnet, fastned in one of them, that may (as it were
vomittingly to you) offer it selfe to the Gentlemen: they will presently desire it: but without much coiuration from them, and a pretty kind of counterfet loathnes in yourselfe, do not read it: and though it be none of your owne, sweare you made it. Mary chaunce to get into your hands any witty thing of another mans that is somewhat better, I would councell you then, if demand bee made who composd it, you may say, faith a learned Gentleman, a very worthy friend: And this séeming to lay it on another man will be counted either modestie in you or a signe that you are not ambitious of praise, or else that you dare not take it vpon you for feare of the sharpnesse it carries with it. Besides, it will adde much to your fame to let your tongue walke faster then your téeth, though you be neuer so hungry, and rather then you should sit like a dumb Coxcomb, to repeat by heart, either some verses of your owne, or of any other mans stretching euen very good lines vpon the rack of censure, though it be against all law, honestie or conscience, it may chaunce saue you the price of your Ordinary, & be•et you other Suppliments. Ma•y I would further intreat our Poet to be in league with the Mistresse of the Ordinary because from her vpon condition that he will but ryme Knights and yong gentlemen to her house, and maintaine the table in good sooling) he may eas•y make vp his mouth at her cost, Gratis.
Thus much for particular men but in generall let all that are in Ordinary-pay, march after the sound of these directions Before the meate come smoaking to the board, our Gallant must draw out his Tobacco-box, the ladell for the cold snuffe into the nosthrill, the tongs and prining Iron: All which artillery may be of gold or siluer (if he can reach to the price of it) it will bée a reasonable vsefull pawne at all times, when the current of his money falles out to run low. And heere you must obserue to know in what state Tobacco is in towne, better then the Merchants, and to discourse of the Potecaries where it is to be sold, and to be able to speake of their wiues as readily as the Pottecary himselfe reading the barbarous hand of a Doctor: then let him shew his seuerall tricks in taking it. As the Whiffe, the Ring, &c. For these are complements that gaine Gentlemen no meane respect, and for which indéede they are more worthily noted, I ensure you, then for any skill that they haue in learning.
When you are set downe to dinner, you must eate as impudently as can be (for thats most Gentleman like) when your Knight is vpon his stewed Mutton, be you presently (though you be but a Capten) in the bosome of your goose: and when your Iustice of peace is knuckle déepe in goose, you may without disparagement to your bloud, though you haue a Lady to your mother, fall very manfully to your woodcocks.
You may rise in dinner time to aske for a close stoole, protesting to all the gentlemen that it costs you a hundred pound a yeare in physicke, besides the Annuall pension which your wife allowes her Doctor: And (if you please) you may (as your great French Lord doth) inuite some speciall frind of yours, from the table to hold discourse with you as you sit in that withdrawing chamber: from whence being returned againe to the board, you shall sharpen the wits of all the eating Gallants about you, and doe them great pleasure to aske what Pamphlets or Poems a man might thinke fittest to wipe his taile with (mary this talke will bée some what fowle if you carry not a strong perfume about you) and in propounding this question, you may abuse the workes of any man, depraue his writings that you cannot equall, and purchase to your selfe in time the terrible name of a seuere Criticke: nay and be one of the Colledge, if youle be liberall inough: and (when your turne comes) pay for their suppers.
After dinner, euery man as his busines leades him: some to dice some to drabs, some to playes, some to take vp friends in the Court, some to take vp money in the Citty, some to lende testers in Powles, others to bo¯rrow Crownes vpon the Exchange: and thus as the people is sayd to bee a beast of many heads (yet all those heads like Hydraes) euer growing as various in their hornes as wondrous in their budding & branching, so in an Ordinary you shal find the variety of a whole kingdome in a few Apes of the kingdome.
You must not sweare in your dicing: for that Argues a violent impatience to depart from your money, and in time will betray a mans néede. Take héede of it. No! whether you be at Primero or Hazard, you shal sit as patiently (though you loose a whole halfe-yeares exhibition) as a disarmd Gentleman does when hées in ye vnmerciful fingers of Serieants. Mary I will allow you to sweat priuatly, and teare six or seuen score paire of cards, be the damnation of some dozen or twenty baile of dice, & forsweare play a thousand times in an houre, but not sweare. Dice your selfe into your shirt: and if you haue that your frind wil lend but an angell vpon, shaue it of• and pawne that rather then to goe home blinde to your lodging.
Further, it is to be remembred, He that is a great Gamester, may be trusted for a quarters board at all tunes, and apparell prouided if néede be.
At your twelue-penny Ordinary you may giue any Iustice of peace, or yong Knight (if hee sit but one degrée towards the Equinoctiall of the Salt-seller) leaue to pay for the wine, and hée shall not refuse it, though it be a wéeke before the receiuing of his quarters rent, which is a time albeit of good hope, yet of present necessity.
There is another Ordinary to which your London Usurer, your stale Batchilor, and your thrifty Atturney do resort: the price thrée-pence: the roomes as full of company as a Iaile, and indéede diuided into seuerall wards, like the beds of an Hospital. The complement betwéene these is not much, their words few: for the belly hath no eares, euery mans eie héere is vpon the other mans trencher, to note whether his fellow lurch him or no: if they chaunce to discourse, it is of nothing but of Statutes, Bonds, Recognizances, Fines, Recoueries, Audits, Rents, Subsidies, Suerties, Inclosures, Liueries, Indicements, outlaries, Feoffments, Iudgments, Commissions, Bankerouts, Amercements, and of such horrible matter, that when a Lifetenant dines with his punck in the next roome, hee thinkes verily the men are coniuring. I can find nothing at this Ordinary worthy the sitting downe for: therefore the cloth shall bee taken away, and those that are thought good enough to be guests héere, shall be too base to bee waiters at your Grand Ordinary. At which, your Gallant tastes these commodities; he shall fare wel, enioy good company receiue all the newes ere the post can deliuer his packet, be perfect where the best bawdy-houses stand, proclaime his good clothes, know this man to drinke well, that to féede grosly, the other to swaggar roughly: he shall if hee hée minded to trauell, put out money vpon his returne, and haue hands enough to receiue it, vpon any termes of repaiment: And no question if he be poore, he shall now and then light vpon some Gull or other, whom he may skelder (after the gentile fashion) of mony: By this time the parings of Fruit and Chéese are in the voyder, Cards and dice lie stinking in the fire, the guests are all vp, the guilt rapiers ready to be hangd, the French Lacquey, and Irish Footeboy, shrugging at the doores with their masters hobby-horses, to ride to the new play: thats the Randenous: thither they are gallopt in post, let vs take a paire of Dares, and now lustily after them.
CHAP. VI. HOW A GALLANT SHOULD BEHAUE HIMSEFE IN A PLAY-HOUSE.
THE Theater is your Poets Royal-Exchange, vpon which, their Muses (ye are now turnd to Merchants) meeting, barter away that light commodity of words for a lighter ware then words. Plaudities and the Breath of the great Beast, which (like the threatnings of two Cowards) vanish all into aire. Plaiers and their Factors, who put away the stuffe, and make the best of it they possibly can (as indéed tis their parts so to doe) your Gallant, your Courtier and your Capten, had wont to be the soundest paymaisters, and I thinke are still the surest chapmen: and these by meanes that their heades are well stockt, deale vpo¯ this comical freight by the grosse: when your Groundling, and Gallery Commoner buyes his sport by the penny, and, like a Hagler, is glad to vtter it againe by retailing.
Sithence then the place is so frée in entertainement, allowing a stoole as well to the Farmers sonne as to your Templer: that your Stinkard has the selfe same libertie to be there in his Tobacco-Fumes, which your swéet Courtier hath: and that your Car-man and Tinker claime as strong a voice in their suffrage, and sit to giue iudgement
on the plaies life and death as well as the prowdest Momus among the tribe of Critick: It is fit y• hée, whom the most tailors bils do make roome for, when he comes should not be basely (like a vyoll) casd vp in a corner.
Whether therefore the gatherers of the publique or priuate Play-house stand to receiue the afternoones rent, let our Gallant (hauing paid it) presently aduance himselfe vp to the Throne of the Stage. I meane not into the Lords roome, (which is now but the Stages Suburbs) No, those boxes by the iniquity of custome, conspiracy of waiting-women and Gentlemen-Ushers, that there sweat together, and the couetousnes of Sharers, are contemptibly thrust into the reare, and much new Satten is there dambd by being smothred to death in darknesse. But on the very Rushes where the Commedy is to daunce, yea and vnder the state of Cambises himselfe must our fetherd Estridge like a péece of Ordnance be planted valiantly (because impudently) beating downe the mewes & hisses of the opposed rascality.
For do but cast vp a reckoning, what large cummings in are pursd vp by sitting on the Stage, First a conspicuous Eminence is gotten, by which meanes the best and most essenciall parts of a Gallant (good cloathes, a proportionable legge, white hand, the Persian lock, and a tollerable beard) are perfectly reuealed.
By sitting on the stage you haue a signd pattent to engrosse the whole commodity of Censure; may lawfully presume to be a Girder: & stand at the helme to stéere the passage of S•aenes yet no man shal once offer to hinder you from obtaining the title of an insolent ouer-wéening Coxcombe.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 229