But stay: is our walking spirit become an Orator to perswade? no: but the Bel man of London with whom he met in this pera•bulation of his and to whom hée betraied himselfe & opened his very bosome, (As hereafter you shall heare,) is bould to take vpon him that speakers Office.
OF GINGLERS.
Or the knauery of Horse-Coursers in Smith-field discouered.
CHAP. X.
AT the end of fierce battailes, the onely Rendeuouz for lame souldiers to retire vnto, is an Hospitall: and at the end of a long Progresse, the onely ground for a tyred Ia•e to runne in, is some blind country faire, where he may be sure to be sold, To these Markets of vnwholesome Horse-flesh, (like so many Rites to féede vpon Carion) do• all the Horse-coursers (that roost about the Citty) flie one after another. And whereas in buying all other commodities, men striue to haue the best, how great so euer the price be, onely the Horse-courser is of a baser minde, for the woorst hors-flesh (so it be cheape) does best goe downe with him. He cares for nothing but a fayre out-side, and a hansome shape (like those that hyre whores, (though there be a hundred diseases within: he (as the other) ventures vpon the¯ all.
The first lesson therefore that a Horse-courser takes out, when he comes to one of these Markets, is to make choyce of such Nags, Geldings, or Mares, especially, as are fatte, fayre, and well-fauor’d to the eye: and because men delight to behold beautifull coullors, and that some coulours are more delicate (euen in beasts) then others are, he will so néere as he can, bargaine for those horses that haue the daintiest complexion: as the Milke-white, the Gray, the Dapple-Gray, the Cole blacke with his proper markes (as t•e white starre in the forehead, the white héele, &c.) or the bright Bay, with the like proper markes also. And the goodlier proportion ye beast carries or the fayrer markes or coulour that hee beares, are or ought to bee watch-words as it were to him that afterwards buyes him of the horse-courser, that he bee not coozend with an ouer-price for a bad peny-worth, because such Horses (belonging for the most part to Gentlemen) are seldome or neuer solde away, but vpon some fowle quallty, or some incurable disease, which the Beast is falne into. The Best coulours are therefore the best Cloakes to hide those faults that most disfigure a Horse: and next vnto coulour, his Pace doth often-times deceiue and goe beyond a very quick Iudgement.
Some of these Horse-hunters, are as nimble Knaues in finding out the infirmities of a Iade, as a Barber is in drawing of téeth: and albeit (without casting his water) hee does more readily reckon vp all the Aches, Crampes, Crickes, and whatsoeuer disease else lyes in his bones: and for those diseases seemes vtterly to dislike him, yet if by looking vpon the Dyall within his mouth, he finde that his yeares haue struck but fiue, sixe, or seauen: and that he prooues but young, or that his diseases are but newly growing vpon him, if they be outward, or haue but hayre and skin to hide them, if they bee inward, let him sweare neuer so damnably, that it is but a Iade, yet he will be sure to fasten vpon him.
So then, a Horse-courser to the Merchant, (that out of his sound iudgement buyes the fairest, the best-bred, and the noblest Horses, selling them againe for breede or seruice, with plainnesse and honesty.) is as the Cheator to the faire Gamester: hee is indeed a meere Iadish Nonopolitane, and deales for none but tyred, taited, dull and diseased horses. By which meanes, if his picture bee drawne to the l••e, you shall finde euery Horse-courser for the most part to bee in quality a coozener, by profession a knaue, by his running a Uarlet, in fayres a Hagling Chapman, in the Citty a Cogging dissembler, and in Smith-field a common forsworne Uillaine. Hee will sweare any thing, but the faster hee sweares, the more danger tis to beleeue him: In one forenoone, and in selling a Iade not worth fiue Nobles, will hee forsweare himselfe fifteene times, and that forswearing too shall bee by Equiuocation. As for example, if an ignorant Chapman comming to beate the price, say to the Horse-courser your nagge is verie olde or thus many yeares olde, and reckon ten or twelue; hee claps his hand presently on the buttocke of the beast, and praies he may bee damb’d if the Horse be not vnder fiue, meaning that the horse is not vnder fiue yeares of age, but that he standes vnder fiue of his fingers, when his hand is clap’d vppon him. These Horse-coursers are called Iynglers, and these Iynglers hauing laide out their money on a company of Iades at some drunken fayre, vp to London they driue them, and vppon the Market day into Smithfield brauely come they prauncing. But least their Iades should shew too many horse trickes in Smith-field, before so greate an Audience as commonly resort thither, their maisters doe therefore Schoole them at home after this manner.
HOW A HORSE-COURSER WORKES VPON A IADE IN HIS OWN STABLE, TO MAKE HIM SERUICEABLE FOR A COUZENING RACE IN SMITH-FIELD.
THE Glanders in a horse is so filthy a disease, that he who is troubled with it can neuer keep his nose cleane: so that when such a foule-nosed Iade happens to serue a Horse-courser, hee hath more strange pils (then a Pothecarie makes) for the purging of his head, he knowes that a horse with such a qualitie, is but a beastly companion to trauell vppon the high way with anye Gentleman.
Albeit therefore that the Glanders haue played with his Nose so long, that hee knowes not how to mend himselfe, but that the disease beeing suffered to runne vppon him many yeares together, is grown inuincible, yet hath our Iingling Mountibancke Smith-field rider a tricke to cure him, fiue or sixe waies and this isone of them.
In the verie morning when he is to bee rifled away aamongst the Gamsters in Smithfield, before hee thrust his head out of his Maisters Stable, the Horse-courser tickles his nose (not with a Pipe of Tobacco) but with a good quantitie of the best Neesing powder that can bee gotten: which with a quil being blown vp into the Nostrills, to make it worke the better, he stands p•aking there vp and downe with two long feathers plucked from the wing of a Goose, they beeing dipt in the iuice of Garlick, or in any strong oyle, and thrust vp to the verie top of his head, so farre as possibly they can reach, to make the pore dumbe beast auoide the filth from his nostrils, which hee will doe in great aboundance: this being done, he comes to him with a new medicine for a sicke horse, and mingling the iuyce of Bruzed Garlike, sharpe biting Mustard, and strong Ale together, into both the Nostrils (with a Horne) is powred a good quantitie of this filthy Broth, which by the hand being held in by stopping the nostrils close together, at length with a little neezing more, his nose will be cleaner then his Maisters the Horse-courser, and the filth bee so Artificially stop’d that for eight or ten houres a Iade will holde vp his head with the prowdest Gelding that gallops scornefully by him, and neuer haue neede of wiping.
This is one of the Comedies a Common horse-courser playes by himselfe at home, but if when hee comes to act the second part abroad, you would disgrace him, and haue him hissd at for net playing the Knaue well, then handle him thus: If you suspect that the Nagge which he would Iade you with, bee troubled with that or any other such like disease, gripe him hard about the wesand pipe, close toward ther•ofe of the tongue, and holding him there so long and so for•bly, that he cough twice or thrice, it then (after you let goe your holde) his chappes begin to walke as if he were chewing downe a Horseloafe, shake hands with old Mounsier Cauiliero Hors-Courser, but c•ap no bargain vpon •t, for his Iade is as full of infirmitie, as the maister f Uillan•e.
OTHER GAMBALS THAT HORSE-COURSERS PRACTISE VPON FOWNDRED HORSES, OLD IADES, &C.
Smithfield is the Stage vpon which the Mou¯tibank English Horse-courser adua¯cing his banner, deffes any disease that dares touch his Prancer: Insomuch that if a horse be so olde, as that foure legs can but carry him, yet shall he beare the markes of an Nag not aboue sixe or seauen peares of age: & that counterseit badge of youth, he weares thus: The Horse-courser with a smal round yro¯ made very hot, burnes two black holes in the top of the two out-most teeth of each side the out-side of the Horses mouth vpon the nether teeth, & so likewise of the teeth of the vpper chap, which stand opposite to ye nether, the quallitie of which marks is to shew that a horse is but yong: but if the iade be so old that those teeth are dropt out of his head, the¯ i
s there a tricke still to be fumbling about his olde chaps, & in that stroaking his chin, to pricke his lips closely with a pin or a naile, till they be so tender, that albeit be were a giuen horse none could bee suffered to looke him in the mouth (which is one of the best Calenders to tell his age) but a reasonable sighted eie (without helpe of spectacles) may easily discouer this Iugling, because it is grosse and common.
If now a Horse (hauing beene asore Traualler) happe¯ by falling into a colde sweate to bee Foundred, so that (as if hee were drunck or had the staggers) bee can scarce stand on his legges, then will his maister, before hee enter into the lists of the field against all commers, put him into a villanous chasing by ryding him vp and downe a quarter or halfe an houre, till his limbes bee thoroughly heated, and this hee does, because so long as hee can discharge that false fire, or that (beingso collerickly hotte) hee tramples onely vppon soft ground, a very cu¯ning Horsema¯ shal hardly find where his shoo wrings him, or that hee is Fowndred. And (to blinde the eyes of the Chapman) the Horse-courser will bee euer tickling of him with his wand, because hee may not by standing still like an Asse, shew of what house hee comes.
It a Horse come into the fielde (like a lame soldier) Halting, hee has not Crutches made for him, as the soldier hath, but because you shall thinke the Horses shooemaker hath seru’d him like a Iade, by not fitting his foote well, the shooe shall bee take¯ off purposely from that foote which halts, as though it had beene lost by chance: And to proue this, witnesses shall come in, if at least twenty or thirty damnable oathes can be take¯, that the want of the Shooe is onely the cause of his Halting. But if a Horse cannot be lustie at legges: by reason that either his hoofes bee not good, or that there be Splents, or any other Eye-sore about the nether Ioynt, the Hors-courser vses him then as Cheating Swaggerers handle Nouices: what they cannot winne by the Dyce, they will haue by Foule play: & in that foule manner, deales hee with the poore horse, ryding him, vp and downe in the thickest & the durtiest places, till that durt, like a ruffled boote drawne vppon an ill-fauour’d gowtie legge, couer the Iades infirmitie from the eyes of the Buyer.
HOW A HORSE-COURSER MAKES A LADE THAT HAS NO STOMACH, TO EATE LAMB-PYE.
ALBEIT Lamb-pie be good meat vpo¯ a table, yet it is so offensiue to a horses stomach, yt he had rather besed a moneth together with mustie oates, tha¯ to taste it; Yet are not all Horses•idde¯ to his Lamb-pye-Breakefasts but onely such as ate dyeted with no other meate: and those are Dull, Blockish, Sullen, and heauie footed Iades. When-soeuer therefore a Horse-courser hath such a Dead commoditie, as a Lumpish slow Iade, that goes more heauily then a Cow when shee trots, and that neither by a sharpe bitte nor a tickling spurre he can put him out of his lazie and dogged pace, what does hee with him then? Duelye he giues him Lambpie. That is to say, euery morning when the Horse-courser comes into the Stable, he takes vp a tough round cudgell, and neuer leaues fencing with his Quarter staffe at the poore Horses sides and buttockes, till with blowes hee hath made them so tender, that the verry shaking of a bough will be able to make the horse ready to runne out of his wittes, And to keep the horse still in this mad mood, because he shall not forget his lesson, his maister will neuer come neer him, but he will haue a fling at him: If he doe touch him, hee strikes him: if he spepkes to him, there is but a worde and a blow: if he doe but looke vpon him, the Horse flings and takes on, as though he would breaks through the walles, or had bene a Horse bredde vp in Bedlam amongst mad-folkes. Hauing thus gotten this hard lesson by heart, forth comes he into Smithfield to repeat it, where the Rider shall no sooner leap into the saddle but the Horse-courser giuing the Iade (that is halfe scarred out of his wits already) three or foure good bangs, away flies Bucephalus as if yo¯g Alexander wer vpon his backe. No ground can holde him, no bridle raine him in, he gallops away as if the Deuill had hired him of some Hackney-man, and scuds through thicke and thinne, as if crackers had hung at his heeles. If his taile play the wag, and happen to whilke vp and downe (which is a signe that he does his feates of Actiuitie like a Tumblers prentice by compulsion and without taking pleasure in them (then shall you sée the Hors•-courser late about him like a thrasher, till with blowes he made him carry his taile to his Bottocks: which in a Horse (contrary to the nature of a Dog) is an argument that he hath mettall in him and Spirrit, as in the other it is the note of cowardise.
These and such other base iuglings are put in practise, by the Horse-courser; in this maner comes he arm’d into the field: with such had and deceiptfull co¯modities does he furnish the markets. Neither steps he vpon the diuels stage alone, but others are likewise Actors in the selfe•ame Scene, and sharers with him: for no sooner shall money be offred for a Horse, but presently one Snake thrusts out his head and stings the buyer with false praises of the Horses goodnesse: An other throwes out his poisoned hooke and whispers in the Chapmans eare, that vpon his knowledge so much or so much hath bene offred by foure or fiue, and would not be taken and of these Rauens there vesundry nests, but all of them as blacke in soule us the Horse-courser (with whome they are yoaked) in conscience. This Regiment of Horse-men is therefore deuided into foure Squadrons. viz.
1 When Horse-coursers trauaile to country faires, they are called Iynglers.
2 When they haue the leading of the Horse & serue in Smithfield, they are Drouers.
3 They that stand by and conycatche the Chapman either with Out-bidding, false-praises, &c. are called Goades.
4 The boyes, striplings, &c. that haue the ryding of the Iades vp and downe are called Skip-iacks.
IACKE IN A BOX.
Or a new kinde of Cheating, teaching how to change golde into Siluer, vnto which is added a Map, by which a man may learn how to trauell all ouer England and haue his charges borne.
CHAP. II
HOW many Trees of Euill are growing in this cou¯trie? how tall they are? how Mellow is their fruit? and how greedily gathered? so much ground doe they take vp, and so thickly doe they stand together, that it séemeth a kingdom can bring forth no more of their nature, yes, yes, there are not halfe so many Riuers in Hell, in which a soule may saile to damnation, as there are Black Streames of Mischiefe and Villany (besides all those which in our Now-two Ueyages, we haue ventured so many leagues vp, for discouerie) in which thousandes of people are continually swimming, and encrie minute in danger vtterly to be cast away.
The Horse-Courser of hell, after he had durtyed himselfe with ryding vp and downe Smithfield and hauing his beast vnder him, gallopped away amaine to beholde a race of fiue myles by a couple of Running-Horses, vppon whose swiftnesse great summes of money were laide in wagers. In which Schoole of Horse-manshippe (wherein for the moste part none but Gallants are the Studients) hee construed but strange Lectures of Abuses: he could make large Comments vppon those that are the Runners of those Races, and could teach others how to loose fortie or fiftie pound pollitickly in the forenoone, and in the after noone (with the selfe-same Gelding) to winne a thousand markes in fiue or sire miles riding. Hee could tell how Gentlemen are fetch’d in and made younger brothers, and how your new Knight comes to be a Couzen of this Race. He could drawe the true pictures of some fellowes, that dyet these Running-Horses, who for a bride of fortie or fiftie shillings can by a false Dye make their owne Maisters loose a hundred pound a race. He could shew more craftie Foxes in this wilde-goose chase the¯ there are white Foxes in Russia, & more strange Horse-trickes plaide by such Riders, then Bankes his curtall did euer practise (whose Gamballs of the two, were the honester.
But because this sort of Birdes haue many feathers to loose, before they can feele any colde, he suffers them to make their owne flight, knowing that prodigalls doe but iest at the stripes which other mens rods giue them, and neuer complaine of smarting till they are whip’d with their owne.
In euerie Corner did he finde Serpents ingendering: vnder euerie roofe, some impyetie or other lay breeding: but at last perceining that the most part of men were by the sorcerie of their own diuelish conditions transformed into Wolues, and being so c
hanged, were more brutish & bloody, then those that were Wolues by nature: his spleene leap’d against his ribbes with laughter, and in the height of that ioy resolued to write the villanies of the world in Folio, and to dedicate them in priuate to his Lord and Maister, because hee knew him to bee an openhanded patron, albeit he was no great louer of schollers.
But hauing begunne one picture of a certaine strange Beast, (called Iacke in a Boxe) that onely (because the Cittie had giuen money already to see it) hee finished: and in these colours was Iack in a Boxe drawn. It hath the head of a man (the face well bearded) the eyes of a Hawke, the tongue of a Lap-wing, which saies heere it is, when the nest is a good way off: it hath the stomacke of an Estrich, and can disgest siluer as easily, as that Bird dooth Yron. It hath the pawes of a Beare instead of handes, for whatsoeuer it fastneth vppon, it holdes: From the middle downe-wardes, it is made like a Grey-hound, and is so swift of foote, that if it once get the Start of you, a whole Kennel of Hounds cannot ouertake it. It loues to hunt dry-foote, and can Scent a Traine in no ground so well as the Cittie, and yet not in all places of the Cittie. But he is best in Scenting betweene Ludgate and Temple-barre: and tis thought that his next hunting shall bee betweene Lumbard-streete and the Gold smithes Rowe in Cheapeside: Thus much for his out ward parts, now you shall haue him vnrip’d, and see his inward.
This Iacke in a Boxe, or this Deuill in mans shape, wearing (like a player on a Stage) good cloathes on his backe, comes to a Golde-smithes Stall, to a Drapers, a Haberdashers, or into any other shop where he knows good store of siluer faces are to be seene. And there drawing foorth a faire new box, hammered all out of Siluer Plate, hee opens it, and powres foorth twentie or forty Twentie-shilling-peeces in New-golde. To which heape of Worldly-Temptation, thus much hee addes in words, that either he him-selfe, or such a Gentleman (to whom he belongs) hath an occasion for foure or fiue daies to vse fortie pound But because he is verie shortly, (nay he knowes not how suddenly) to trauaile to Venice, to Ierusalem or so, and would not willingly be disfurnished of Golde, he dooth therefore request the Cittizen to lend (vpon those Forty twenty shilling peeces) so much in white money (but for foure, fiue or sixe daies at most) and for his good-will he shall receiue any reasonable satisfaction. The Cittizen (knowing the pawne to be better the¯ a Bond) powres downe fortie pound in siluer, the other drawes it, and leauing so much golde in Hostage, marcheth away with Bag and Baggage.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 237