by Dana Mason
“Sarah, you have to breathe, baby.” Mark fought for calm, his heart racing in his chest. It killed him to see her like this, but he had no idea how to help her. When he reached out for her, she pushed him away to scramble out of bed. Her body trembled violently, and Mark worried she’d collapse at any second. She paced with a hand clutched on her throat. Her wide eyes searched the room, though she appeared as if she was still in the dream.
“Where’s my gun?” she sobbed, stumbling around in the dark until Mark grabbed her and drew her to him, not letting her pull away this time.
“Sarah, please stop. You don’t need the gun. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”
Sarah surrendered this time, not fighting Mark’s arms. He didn’t loosen his grip, afraid she might sink to the floor if he did. As her sobs slowed, the crying turned into a whimper.
“I promise you’re safe, baby.”
She calmed, but she didn’t speak. Mark helped her to the bathroom and sat her down on the toilet, draped his robe over her trembling shoulders, and ran a washcloth under cold water. Her eyes were glazed and unfocused as they stared at the floor.
He wiped away the tears and held the cold washcloth over the back of her neck and throat. He could see the red marks where she’d tried to free herself from an imaginary grasp. When her shivering slowed, he picked her up like a small child and carried her to the bed. He pulled the blankets off the floor and crawled in, wrapping his arms around her.
His heart broke for her as he lay there trying to make her feel secure enough to go back to sleep. She nuzzled into his chest, her body still taut with tension. It took over an hour for her to relax enough to drift back to sleep.
A few times during the night, her body went rigid, and she tried to push him away. He just pulled her closer and whispered reassurances in her ear until she relaxed.
This was his fault, dammit. He shouldn’t have forced her to talk about it. She’d tried to avoid the subject, and he’d kept pushing, forcing her to bring up all those bad memories. He suspected something tragic had happened in her past. He’d guessed most of it, but never imagined a miscarriage—and the emotional abuse. Mark expected to hear how badly it hurt physically. Clearly, the emotional scars ran much deeper, and he wasn’t prepared for that. Damn, how could she blame herself for being manipulated by a monster?
His soul hurt knowing this awful, abusive relationship had been what she’d based the decisions of her life on, a vicious cycle of abuse and loss. She didn’t even know what love—real love—felt like.
Chapter Eighteen
When Sarah woke, she felt the strength of Mark’s embrace. She stretched her arms out to push away from him. He eased his grip and looked down at her.
“Good morning,” he whispered.
Her head pounded so hard it made her dizzy and unable to think straight. She looked down at their intertwined legs, and then back up into his eyes. He carefully reached up and brushed the hair off her cheek.
“How do you feel?”
She tried again to lift herself up, stopping when a sharp pain shot through her arm. “Oh—ow!”
“Careful, you may have hurt yourself last night.”
Sarah stared at him, not sure how he had ended up in bed with her.
Kevin.
She shot up and placed her hand on her neck. The vivid dream felt real, although everything after it clouded, as if the dream was reality and reality was the dream.
Mark rubbed a hand up her back. “Just a dream.”
His unbridled concern and tenderness showed the true difference between a man and a monster. Mark was right, not all men were like Kevin. She should’ve been embarrassed for the way she behaved, but her gratefulness outweighed her embarrassment tenfold.
“Coffee?” Mark asked.
“Please.”
His expression relaxed. “You shower, I’ll fetch.”
Fifteen minutes later, Sarah came out of the bathroom wrapped in Mark’s robe with a towel on her head. At the same time, he walked back into the bedroom with two cups of coffee.
“I can’t believe it’s after two,” she said, taking the cup he offered. “God, that smells good, thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he said, turning to sit on the sofa in front of the fireplace.
Sarah sat next to him, sideways, with her feet curled underneath her.
With one sip of the rich brew, her headache melted away. She sipped it again and then looked up at Mark. They stared at each other for a long moment before she broke the silence.
“Thank you.”
He closed his eyes and shook his head. “Sarah, I’m sorry I pushed you last night. If I would have known...”
“If you would have known I’d have crazy nightmares about murderous ex-boyfriends?” She chuckled. “I didn’t even know. I haven’t had nightmares that bad in a long time.” She let out a long breath. “God, I thought I was past this, moving on and living a normal life.”
She moved her hand to her throat.
“I guess Kevin is the ex-boyfriend in question?”
She closed her eyes and nodded.
“Kevin Lewis from high school?”
Her eyes popped back open. “How do you know?”
“He left a creepy message in your high school yearbook. I couldn’t find his picture, just Jeffrey Lewis.”
“That’s his brother. Kevin graduated with Devon the year before me. We started dating in my junior year, his senior. He was the cutest boy in school.” She smirked at the memory of how thrilled she was when he asked her out, and how stupid she was for accepting.
How could she have known? Every girl in school wanted to date him.
“He was sweet then. Once he left school, things changed.” She looked down at her coffee to avoid Mark’s gaze.
“You don’t have to talk about this. I don’t want you to worry about him.”
Sarah knew Mark was concerned about her, but she found she wanted to confide in him.
“At first his insecurity was endearing...stupid, stupid girl.” She shook her head. How naïve she’d been. “He controlled everything about me—and I let him.”
Sarah’s eyes were unfocused, staring into the fire.
“Sarah—”
“When I told him, he beat the hell out of me...accused me of cheating, because ‘there was no way it could be his kid’. I’d never been with anyone else, and he still didn’t trust me.” She looked into Mark’s eyes. “He beat me up, but I didn’t lose the baby until months later.”
Mark exhaled heavily. “Was that the first time he beat you?”
“He’d smacked me around a few times but never beat me, not until I got pregnant. Six months into my pregnancy, things were better. He’d proposed to me again. I hoped he was over the insecurities and I believed things were back to normal...at least until I caught him in bed with someone else. That’s the day I lost my baby.”
When her voice quavered, she kept talking. If she didn’t get it all out, she’d lose her nerve. “I went home and started packing. When he came home and saw what I was doing, he beat me—almost to death—and raped me, telling me the entire time he’d kill me if I ever left him.”
Remaining silent, Mark leaned over to take her hand with both of his.
“It’s true,” she said, shaking her head. “I have no doubt he’ll find me one day and finish what he started. He’ll keep his promise.” Her voice hardened, the quaver gone.
“Did you leave right after the miscarriage?”
“Kevin had been arrested. After a few days in the hospital, I left...went to Devon’s. When I got there, I went to bed and slept for two days straight. I was bruised, sick, and completely spiritless.”
“How did your brother keep from hunting the son of a bitch down and killing him?”
She shook her head. “He’d never leave me alone like that. He was so worried...and so pissed at me for not calling him. I was terrified that Kevin would come after me. With his parents help, I was sure he’d be out on bail or some stupid technic
ality soon enough.” She waved dismissively. “It didn’t happen, but I still didn’t stay in San Diego for very long. Devon took me to stay with Richard. He lives in San Francisco.”
She reached over and grabbed her coffee mug to busy her hands. No turning back now. She had to tell him the truth. The thought of that alone scared her senseless. Protecting her identity had become a major focus in her life.
“Who’s Richard?”
“Richard Perry.”
Mark’s eyebrows lifted, but he didn’t say anything.
“He’s our attorney and sort of my grandfather.”
“Sort of?”
“He married our grandmother and he’s the controller of her estate.” She paused to take a sip of coffee. “He set me up with good medical care...helped me transfer my school credits and hide everything from Kevin.”
“Why the sudden need for medical care?”
She put her cup down. “When Kevin beat me...the baby died before I arrived at the hospital. Because I was over six months along, they induced labor.”
She swiped a tear away, trying to master herself. “It was horrific, going through labor.”
They sat quietly for a moment until Mark broke the silence.
“Sarah, I—I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what that could have been like for you.”
“Between the beating, the rape, and the emergency delivery—I developed an infection.”
“Why didn’t Devon take you to the hospital or to your parents? Why Richard?”
”I didn’t realize how sick I was. I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I just wanted to get far away from Kevin.”
“I can understand that,” Mark said.
“Devon didn’t want Kevin to get his hands on the money.” She shook her head with a faint smile. “Devon’s more financially driven than I am. I didn’t care about it, but he had the sense of mind to call Richard first. My parents don’t really know what happened, not everything anyway.”
“Sarah, did you have to go through that alone? The delivery, I mean?”
She nodded. “They took me directly to the delivery room. I didn’t really have anyone to call anyway. Kevin had chased off all my friends.”
Mark pursed his lips. “Is Kevin the real reason for the name change?”
“Yes, but what I told you was true. I grew up using Lange. Richard helped me get it changed to Jennings after I left Flagstaff. Jennings is my father’s last name.”
She stopped talking and silence settled around the room. There was a certain freedom that came with confiding in Mark. She had no doubt about it being the right thing, telling him was a relief and lifted a burden she’d been carrying around for too long.
Mark laced his fingers with hers and the gesture made her smile. “I had a girl, a daughter. I named her Lillian Claire after my mother.”
It’d been years since she’d said the name aloud.
Mark didn’t say anything for a long time. Sarah finally looked up to see wetness on his cheeks. He pulled their entwined hands up and kissed hers.
“You are so brave.”
The affection and understanding showed in his expression.
“If I were brave, and smarter, I would have left sooner.” She closed her eyes and pulled her hands free of his. “Please don’t praise me.”
“I can’t believe you actually feel guilty, like any of this could have been your fault.”
“It’s my fault for being in that position in the first place, and for letting him kill my baby.”
He took her face in his hands, making her self-conscious about him being so close. “You’re the strongest and bravest person I’ve ever met, and like I told you last night, none of the trauma this asshole put you through is your fault.”
Sarah tried to shake him off, but he kept a firm grip on her face. When she closed her eyes, he moved his hands from her face to wrap his arms around her.
“You’re wrong too,” he whispered. “Kevin Lewis will never hurt you again. He’s not going to keep his promise—that is my promise.”
“Mark, you don’t know what he is capable of. The level of manipulation he will go to in order to get what he wants, it’s sickening.”
“You don’t know what I’m capable of when I want to protect someone I care about.”
“You can’t protect me from him. Kevin isn’t some measly, two-bit, street rapist—he’s powerful and dangerous.” She hoped Mark never had to know just how dangerous.
“You once asked me not to underestimate you, and now I’m asking you not to underestimate me.” He pulled out of the hug to meet her eyes.
They stared at each other for a long time. Sarah trusted that he would never let anything happen to her, but what if he wasn’t always around.
“It must have been hard for you to share this with me. I hope one day to earn the trust you’ve given me.”
“You’ve already earned it.” She sat back and tried to relax into her coffee, glad it was over and she’d gotten it out of her system.
“I guess if Richard Perry is your grandfather, that means Catherine Connelly-Perry was your grandmother?”
She widened her eyes. “You’ve heard of them?”
“Richard Perry is the richest philanthropist in San Francisco. People like him often need security.” He grinned a little and said, “We’ve met once or twice.”
“I don’t usually tell people I’m related to them and I’d rather the information not get out.”
“Catherine died over ten years ago. Is that when you inherited the money?”
She nodded. “In high school. She left the money to me, Devon, and Hayley equally. She never trusted my mother and she wanted to make sure we were taken care of.”
“Do you realize what the press would do if they found out that you were one of the victims of this rapist?”
“Oh yeah, but the press doesn’t know who I am. Fortunately, when Richard retired, he got out of the spotlight. With him keeping a low profile, it makes it easy for us to keep a low profile. Not to mention, my grandmother disinherited my mother so long ago, we’ve sort of fallen off their radar.”
“I take it the press didn’t find out about the baby or Kevin?”
“The case was reported locally, but they never figured out who I was. They were much more interested in the local business owner’s son on trial for domestic violence. His family is pretty well-known in that area.” She scoffed. “They were so busy digging into the Lewis family and analyzing their lifestyle, they never paid much attention to me.”
“Kevin was convicted?”
“His father’s lawyer got him a plea bargain. He was convicted of domestic violence, a misdemeanor charge. He was sentenced to one year in jail.” She rolled her eyes. “I was actually relieved.”
“Why? You should have fought it, had the son of a bitch put away.”
Mark shook his head, and she understood why.
“He should have gotten a manslaughter charge or even a second-degree murder charge for what he did, and attempted murder for the beating he gave you.”
“I didn’t have the guts to fight. I just wanted to stay away. The plea-bargain deal meant no trial. I didn’t have to go back there. Call me a coward, but I couldn’t live through all that again, and it would have put me in the spotlight. As it was, I should have moved out of the country. I’m too close, too easy to find here. I’ll have to leave one day. I can’t hide in plain sight forever.”
“Sarah, I am so impressed with your resilience. I have never known anyone who has been through half of what you have endured and still manage to live a functional life.”
“I am resilient, but I don’t want your pity.” She put both feet on the floor and leaned toward Mark. “Don’t feel sorry for me. Nightmares or no nightmares, I’ve survived a lot, and this most recent incident will not keep me down for long either.”
“Speaking of nightmares.” He gave her a searching look. “You scared the hell out of me, you were choking in your sleep—I couldn’t wake you up.�
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She rested back against the arm of the sofa. “I’m glad you were there.”
“Me too,” he whispered.
“I want you to understand, Mark”—she looked intently into his eyes—“I don’t regret not being able to have children—at least, I never did until I met Jamie, and that completely snuck up on me.”
“What do you mean you don’t regret—how could you not?”
“‘Bíonn súil le muir ach ní bhíonn súil le tír—there is hope from the sea, but there is no hope from the grave’. Does this make sense now?” she asked as she moved her foot out to show him her tattoo. “I was devastated when I lost my baby, but imagine that man being a father.” She shuddered at the thought. “I would rather never have children.”
“Well, I hope you have the opportunity to experience the gift of a child’s unconditional love.” Mark rubbed her foot and ran his hand over the tattoo around her ankle. “I also hope that one day there will be a child lucky enough to experience your unconditional love.”
Even though Sarah knew he meant it, it didn’t change anything. He couldn’t change what had happened any more than she could.
Sarah felt the weight lifting after she told Mark about her history with Kevin. She couldn’t judge his reaction enough to say for sure that he wouldn’t push her away now. Her feelings for him were growing stronger every day, and the butterflies in her stomach made her feel foolish, like a child. Of course, the last time she felt like this she was a child. Just seventeen when she met Kevin, but she felt more for Mark now than she ever had for Kevin, that she was sure of. When she remembered those first few months with Kevin, she was so sure about him, she cringed—and look how things turned out.
She couldn’t distinguish what her real feelings for Kevin had been after the first year. Every emotion she ever had toward him seemed clouded with too much physical and emotional pain to be honestly evaluated or understood now. As if that time in her life were an emotional black hole, and when she tried to explore that hole, all she found were the awful words he always said to her.
Mark was the first man she’d ever met that was a stark difference from Kevin. Not that every man was evil, but most were single-minded at best. She thought back to the night she and Mark almost made love, proof again of just how different he really was.