by Dana Mason
“Are you okay?” she cried as she ran her hand over his chest and then his face. “Did he shoot you—did he shoot Gabby?” she asked, looking around frantically.
“No, he shot at the ceiling. Are you okay?” he asked, obviously panicked as he examined her from head to toe.
Sarah nodded throwing her hand over her face to cover her sobs. “Oh my God—I thought he shot you.”
She wrapped her arm around him, gripping him tightly, beyond thankful that he was okay. She inhaled his scent and started to cry again, unable to vocalize her relief.
“Baby, I’m fine.” He held her close, keeping her from slipping to the floor when her knees gave out. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.”
Mark stayed at her side, holding her hand while the emergency room doctor set her shoulder. She tried not to cry out too much. She could see how difficult it was for Mark to watch. He looked just as beaten up as she felt, but he never left her, never released her hand.
They’d been there for hours. The sun was rising and all she wanted was her own bed. While they waited for her discharge papers, Mark kissed the bruise on the side of her face and then lightly kissed her shoulder. “I’m sorry I broke my promise,” he whispered.
“What are you talking about?”
“I promised I would never let him hurt you again, this is my fault. I never should have let you out of my sight,” he said with regret heavy in his voice.
“Stop—I should be able to walk myself to the bathroom. It’s my fault. I’m one of those stupid women I usually laugh at.”
“What?”
“I’m freaking stupid.” Her eyes pooled with tears. She tried to push them away, but the medication was making her loopy. “I let myself get distracted. My stomach was full of butterflies and my head was full of you. I should have been more aware of my surroundings.” She covered her eyes in embarrassment. “I can’t believe I let myself—I never even saw or heard him coming. Stupid, stupid...”
“Stop calling yourself stupid.” Mark pulled her hand away and leaned close to her face. “You don’t really believe this is your fault, do you?”
“Of course, I do. I know better than that, and I should have been smarter and stronger than him. I can’t freaking believe I let myself get victimized again.”
She shook her head as her tears fell down her face.
“Sarah, you’re being ridiculous, stop saying that. What if he would have put that gun in your face?” He put his hands carefully on her face and turned her, bringing them eye to eye. “He came prepared to win the fight this time.”
“That’s not the point. If I would have looked around at my surroundings, been more aware...”
She pushed his hands away, trying to hide her face again. Sarah knew she was right. She’d let herself get wrapped up in her feelings for Mark, and when she did, she let her guard down to the rest of the world.
Mark waited outside, watching through the window as Brian finished taking Sarah’s statement. He couldn’t stand to be away from her. This was his fault. He shouldn’t have let her out of his sight—much less in a freaking dance club.
His feelings for her were clouding his judgment and he had to stop. But stop what? Stop protecting her or stop feeling for her? He grimaced at the term feeling, not yet ready to say love, but...it was there. It had been there for a while. He couldn’t pinpoint the moment he realized it. Maybe when they were at the beach or when she’d told him about her past. Maybe when they’d made love. Sarah giving him her complete trust—God, and look what he’d done with it—he’d failed her.
If his feelings were clouding his judgment, there was only one solution. Another agent. He wouldn’t leave her, but he could bring in someone else to take over the detail—if he could make her understand. Would she believe him now when he said she wasn’t safe?
When Brian walked out, Mark nodded at him before turning to enter the room.
Brian put his hand on Mark’s shoulder. “Wait, bro, I need a minute with you first.”
“I don’t want to leave her alone.”
“She did okay, she’s strong—she handled it well.”
“Thanks, Brian.” Mark reached for the door again.
“This won’t take long. I have the information on the note you fished out of her mailbox.” Brian reached into his pocket to pull out his little note pad and flipped it open to Mark.
“’An eye for an eye. A nose for a nose. A bullet for a bullet. We’ll be together again soon, my Sweet Sarah.’”
Mark’s stomach turned.
“Blue ink, all caps again, we got his DNA off the envelope.”
“And...?” Mark asked, wanting to hear the rest.
“And, it’s a match to the other rapes and to Jennings’ attack on September twenty-second. When we get this guy, we get him on everything. Not to mention the DNA picked from under your girlfriend’s fingernails tonight.” Brian smiled in satisfaction.
“You have to catch him first,” Mark pointed out, making his disappointment in the investigation clear.
“Yeah.” He squinted at Mark. “And what the hell were you thinking? How did he even get to her tonight? You need to get your head out of your ass. You do this shit for a living. C’mon man, what happened?”
“Thanks, Brian—thanks for jumping right into my nightmare with both feet.” Mark yanked on the door and turned his back on Brian.
“I’m just keepin’ it real, man,” Brian said before Mark closed the door behind him.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Sarah woke, wrapped in Mark’s warmth. She wasn’t sure if he was still sleeping. She gently turned her head to look at him. She wanted to reach up and touch his face, but her arm was tied up in a sling.
She wasn’t confused this time, not like the last time she’d woke with a sling on her arm, although her arm hurt much worse this time. Everything hurt much worse this time.
Mark’s relaxed face comforted her. He was like a blanket of safety she could wrap around herself. Even though it killed her to give him up, she had to do it. Yesterday she was ready to give it a try, but Mark represented a life she couldn’t have.
He shifted and pulled her closer to him. She sucked air through her teeth and tried to hide her grimace too late. His eyes popped open and he released his grip.
“Sorry,” he muttered as his eyes closed again. Then his eyes popped back open, and he looked down at her. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been beaten up,” she said, her breath hitching again. “It pretty much hurts to do everything, even breathe. Other than that, I’m fine.”
“I’ll get you a painkiller.” He kissed her forehead and slowly started to get up.
“No, don’t move yet, please.” She gripped him and held him in place.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m not ready to face reality, wait please.” She breathed in deep and sighed in pain again. He slid his arm out from around her to get up. “I’m okay really. You don’t have to get up.”
This would be the last time she’d let him hold her, and she wasn’t ready to let go of him.
“No, it’s not okay if you’re in pain. I’ll be right back.”
He returned a minute later with a glass of water and a pill. “What time is it?” she asked after she swallowed the pill.
“It’s about three o’clock in the afternoon. Are you still tired?”
“No, since you’re forcing me to face reality, I really want a shower. I feel kind of gross.” She slowly lifted herself off the bed.
“We can certainly accommodate a shower.”
“I don’t understand why everything hurts much worse today. I feel like my ribs are broken and my arm’s been ripped off.” She grimaced as she looked down at her bruised arms. “Back to long sleeves.”
“I’m sorry...you were just starting to feel normal again.” He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. She shook him off and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
When her clot
hes were off, she stared at herself in the mirror, starting at her feet and up to her face. As bad as the body bruises were, it was the bruises on her face that really broke down the sturdy façade she’d been wearing.
The bruising traveled up the side of her face, around her cheekbone, to her forehead, and both eyes were black. Sarah looked at herself as memories of her past flooded her mind.
She remembered the weeks she’d spent with black eyes, heaviness in her heart, and pain so bad she wished for death. For weeks, every morning she’d awaken and cursed God for making her spend another day in a world without her child.
Sarah started to sob and had to suck in painful breaths as her chest heaved. The pain in her ribs forced her to cry out. She turned the water on so Mark wouldn’t hear her cry. He’d feel worse if he saw how wretched she was. If she could just have some time alone to get it out of her system, she’d be stronger when she had to face telling him.
Now she had to find the strength to take back everything she’d said the day before. The thought of losing Mark made everything in her body ache worse. She sobbed mercilessly, knowing she would hurt him and hurt herself in the process.
The tears continued to stream down her face, mixing with the flow of fresh water as she stepped into the shower. She hoped the water would rinse away the horrible feeling of loneliness she felt at having to walk away from Mark.
She scrubbed and scrubbed, trying to rid herself of the nasty layer of filth and heavy thoughts that consumed her. When the water went cold, she turned the shower off and stepped out, all the while trying to push away her emotions and face her decision with certainty.
Her scrubbing left raw and red marks all over her body, enhancing the black and blue from the bruises. Sarah gently toweled off and dried her hair hoping the extra few minutes would give her time to rebuild what little was left of her façade.
She tried to dress herself without calling for help, but when she couldn’t pull her injured arm through her shirt, she gave up. She had her sweats on and one arm in the shirt when Mark entered the bathroom. He helped her get both arms through the shirt and hooked the sling.
“What happened here?” he asked, gesturing to the red and irritated skin above her collar. She turned and looked in the mirror, rubbing at the marks on her neck.
“I scrubbed a little too hard with the washcloth,” she said, lowering her eyes.
“I guess so.” He put his cool hand to the irritated skin. “Why did you do that?”
“He...” She cleared her throat and shrugged away from him. “He touched me there.” She waved her hand at her neck where the attacker licked her. The look on Mark’s face told her that he understood.
He pursed his lips and tried again to put his hand on her neck. She pulled away to get some space between them. She wasn’t ready. Her emotional grip was slipping away and she needed a couple more minutes.
“I made breakfast. You should feel better after you have some coffee.”
“Coffee sounds good. I’ll be out in a minute.”
Mark turned and walked out of the bathroom, and Sarah could tell she’d hurt his feelings.
She waited a few minutes before stepping out of the bathroom. When she went into the kitchen, she poured herself a cup of coffee without saying a word to him.
“Did I do something wrong?” he asked as he put a plate of food down on the bar for her.
“No,” she said, still unable to look at him.
“Clearly there’s a reason you’re giving me the cold shoulder.”
This made her glance up at him.
“Have you been crying?” Concern clear on his face, he reached for her hand. She pulled it away before he could touch her.
She lifted herself onto a barstool, wincing at the pain. Then she pushed the plate away. Smelling the food made her stomach roll. She rubbed her forehead, trying to gather her courage.
“This isn’t going to work out.”
“I’m sorry?” He tilted his head forward. “What isn’t going to work out?”
“This.” She gestured between the two of them. “You and me—and the dating thing.”
“I don’t understand?”
“I was careless and I should have been more alert and careful—”
“Wait—you don’t want to be with me because...” He stopped to catch his breath. “You seriously believe this happened because you weren’t paying attention? Sarah, look at me...babe.” He said it so tenderly, she couldn’t help but do what he asked.
“You didn’t have a chance this time, paying attention or not.”
A lump formed in her throat when she remembered that gun pointed at Mark’s face. She shook her head and looked away from him.
“That’s not the point. It could’ve been anyone who came up behind me. I need to get my act together—back together.” She swallowed hard, willing herself to keep talking. “I’ve been living in a bubble for all these weeks and I need to just...stop...get back to normal and stop living in the clouds. I’m sorry, Mark. I’m not trying to hurt you...” her voice broke.
“Then don’t,” he said earnestly. “If you don’t want to hurt me, then don’t—it’s a choice.”
“You’re right. It is a choice and I’m not making this decision lightly,” she said with wavering resolve. His sincerity was slowly breaking her heart.
“Don’t be a coward, if you walk away now, you’ll never know what could’ve been.”
Sarah didn’t have the strength to continue arguing with him. She covered her face, losing what little control she had over her tears.
“Can you honestly tell me you don’t have strong feelings for me? Dammit—just don’t give up so easily.”
“You d—don’t understand,” Sarah stammered.
“Oh, yes I do. You’re afraid to let someone into your safe, little sheltered world. I’ve gotten too close and you’ve allowed yourself to develop real feelings for me and now you’re running scared.”
His sincerity had turned to anger, and he was trying to provoke her into fighting with him. How could she argue with him? They both knew he was right.
Massive tears spilled over her lids just as Mark stepped in front of her and pulled her hand away from her face.
“Sarah, good things in life are hard to find. When you find them, you should hold on.”
The hurt in his voice left her speechless. He reached up and wiped a tear from her chin.
“Yesterday was perfect until...”
The look in his eyes, his emotions were clear too, and it wasn’t just anger that he felt. She pulled away from him and stood up, bypassing him to get some distance. She couldn’t stand the feel of his skin or bear to look at his face any longer. Regardless of how hard she fought to stay calm, hysterics were building deep in her chest. She couldn’t take this, couldn’t stand what was happening to them. Why did she let it go this far? He was right, good things in life were hard to find, but they were impossible to keep.
Mark grabbed her hand and pulled her back. “Don’t run away from me. Talk to me—tell me what’s going on inside your head.”
“I don’t know!” she screamed, and yanked her hand away flailing to stop him from touching her. “I—I don’t know what to do. Things are all fucked up. I don’t know what the right answers are.” She squeezed her ribs to hold in her painful sobs. “He’s free while I’m trapped—unable to live my life. I don’t know if I’m coming or going anymore. I haven’t felt this lost in—dammit!” she yelled as she leaned against the wall to brace herself. “He’s contaminated everything in my life. I can’t...work. I can’t drive. I can’t sleep. I can’t run—and now...I can’t even dress myself. Everything normal in my life has been taken away from me. I’m grasping at straws to just...breathe. I’m trapped and I can’t...breathe...” She began to hyperventilate, her chest heaving in an effort to regulate her breathing.
“Take a deep breath, Sarah—a deep breath please.” He grasped her hand, but she pulled away again.
When her breathing m
ellowed, he leaned in and took her face in both hands. There was so much passion in his eyes. It hurt to look into them. He was so sincere and she was so broken, too broken to handle him and her life at the same time. She didn’t know how to be with him.
“I’m sorry you’re going through this, but pushing me away isn’t going to fix things.”
“I can’t do this anymore.” She sucked in air, and then flinched in pain.
“Sarah, you’re not feeling trapped because of our relationship, it’s a result of what happened to you.” He lowered his hands to cup her neck. “Baby—you and me together—what we’ve found is the only good thing that’s come out of this, don’t ruin it.” He pressed his lips to the top of her head and held her until her breathing slowed. “I love you, Sarah, and I will take care of you.”
She flinched at his words.
He leaned back and looked into her eyes. “You can try to push me away, but I’ll push back. I’m not giving up on you.” With her face in his hands, he gave her a deep, passionate kiss.
She relaxed and gave into him, clinging to his body, enjoying the warmth, wishing she could have him.
He wiped her tear-streaked face. “I’ll back off for a while...but I’m not going away.”
She took a deep breath again and pulled her arm around her torso.
“It really does hurt to breathe, doesn’t it?” His eyebrows furrowed with concern.
She nodded and squeezed her eyes closed.
Mark led her to the sofa and helped her lay down. “Stay there.”
He came back a minute later with a fresh cup of coffee, a glass of water, and another pill. “Do you want to try an ice pack around your ribs?”
“No, I’m fine. Stop worrying about me.”
“Can’t help it when I’m the reason you’re so upset.” After she swallowed the pill, he said, “I’m going to go take a shower...give you a few minutes. Will you be all right?”
She nodded and tried to smile.
“Come get me if you need anything,” Mark said as he left the room.