by Dana Mason
Now he waited again, waited for them to prepare her and the casket for burial. Next, he’d wait in the car until they got to the burial site where Julie would be laid to rest with her parents.
All of his family and friends had walked outside, leaving him alone in the mortuary. Fine with him. He was sick of the pitiful glances and condolences. He never understood the phrase ‘I’m sorry.’ What did that mean? How was he to respond? Should he say ‘It’s okay’? It wasn’t okay. Things were not okay, but what else could he say. Maybe ‘I know. I’m sorry, too’ or ‘You’re not half as sorry as I am’ or ‘Screw you and your sorry.’
Brian looked up when the door crept open.
“Hi,” Melissa said, closing the door behind her.
He tried to smile. “Hi.”
“How are you feeling?” she asked over the sound of her heels clicking on the tile floor.
“I feel tired of that question. I feel tired from all the questions.”
She sat down next to him. “It’s almost over.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be an ass.” Brian bowed his head. Shit. Another God damn ‘I’m sorry.’
“It’s okay, Brian.” She rested her hand on his knee as if to offer reassurance.
The glint from her hand caught his eye. He reached toward it, his heart jumping uncontrollably. “What is that?”
She tried to pull her hand away, but he was too fast for her.
He gripped her wrist and stared at the diamond on her finger. “Is this what I think it is?”
“What do you think it is?”
He looked into her eyes. “Don’t play games. Are you engaged?”
Melissa nodded quickly, jerking her hand away. “What do you care?”
Now he really wanted to get sick. “That guy?” he said. “Really, Melissa, you’re marrying that guy?”
She stood and dropped her hands to her sides. “Go to hell, Brian.”
“Fucking look around you, Melissa.” He threw his hands in the air. “I’m already in hell.”
Her stance softened and she eased back down into the chair across from him. She leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees to bring herself closer to him. “Don’t be like this . . . not today, okay.”
“Come on! Why are you settling for some little freaking vanilla, no heart, boring, puny . . . Ugh! What do you see in him anyway?”
“You don’t know him. He’s smart and funny . . . supportive, and he loves me.”
“Ha—funny, that’s hilarious.” He stood up and brushed past her, turning his back on her.
Light from the outside streamed into the room when the door opened again, but Brian didn’t turn around. He didn’t want to talk to anyone else. He’d had enough for one day. Enough of the pity from people who claimed to care about him, to care about Julie.
“Detective Hammel, we’re ready to start the procession.”
Brian nodded, relieved it was almost over. “Thank you. I’ll be right out.”
He turned and walked past Melissa on his way to the exit. “I hope smart and funny keeps you warm at night.”
Brian stood with one hand on his daughter’s shoulder and one on his son’s, looking out over Erin’s bowed head. He felt like he’d been thrown back in time, back to a day he would never forget.
Their blonde heads perfectly matched as they tilted toward each other in an iron embrace. He remembered the day like it was yesterday, the picture clear as the bright blue sky above. He knew right then—with every breath—he loved Melissa. Who gets this stuff at eight years old? He would’ve laughed at the idea if he had the energy. Who the hell understands what love is at eight? It didn’t make sense, but he couldn’t deny it.
Watching Melissa and Ali cry over their father’s coffin twenty-six years ago was so like today. There they stood, holding each other again, Ali’s hand reached out to Johnny’s, but her arm around Melissa, their heads together, crying all over again. He remembered how hard it had been for them both. He wanted to cry, too, and he did, for Ali and for Melissa. It hurt him in his soul to see the pain and tears in her eyes.
He looked again at Julie’s shining coffin glinting in the bright sun and wanted to kick himself for thinking about Melissa on this day, the very day he had to put his wife in the ground. If Julie could hear his thoughts, she would hate him. Ironically enough, so would Melissa. Melissa would never respect him, not after what he’d done to her, especially if she knew what he was thinking about now.
How did we get here? How did so many things change since that day? Nothing had turned out the way he’d planned. Back then, and for years after, his future was sure. He never doubted where life would lead him. But how could he regret? How could he—as he stood there with his kids—regret his family? Regret his life to this point? Regret Julie? No, he didn’t, of course not, but regret Melissa? Yes, he regretted losing Melissa. He loved Erin and Cody with his whole heart. He’d loved Julie, too, but Melissa was different. He couldn’t explain it, just different than Julie. Melissa held a part of his soul. To this day, she still gripped it in her hands. That part of him had been missing the day he’d proposed to Julie, and every day since then.
Melissa will always have it, even after she marries that jerk-off from Berkeley. Even then, she’ll still own a part of him. His stomach lurched at the thought of her with him, that puny, little clone with no heart or passion. Melissa was full of piss and vinegar, how long would it take this jerk to squash that out of her.
Is this what it felt like to Melissa? Had she felt this sinking, overwhelming sickness when she’d found out about him and Julie? Had she been living with it for all these years? Had her love for him been equal to his for her? He couldn’t remember if he’d ever told her how much he loved her. Did she know? Did that make everything harder for her? Did Julie understand how much he loved her? It’s too late to fix that—she’s gone—Jules is gone. Julie is dead! Did she understand how important she was to him? Even after the hateful things he’d said, he still loved her, and now she was gone.
His chest tightened and he tried to take a deep breath. Don’t, man—just get through this day and get your shit together. Come on—stop! He reached up and rubbed his clammy forehead. Erin turned to him with red-rimmed eyes and a slight smile of support. “I love you, Daddy.”
Brian cupped her neck and kissed the top of her head as a tear rolled down his cheek. “I love you, too, honey.”
When the crowd had turned to walk to their cars, Brian stayed behind. He stood alone and waited. He wanted to see them put her in the ground. He wouldn’t forget this day. He’d hold the picture in his head so he couldn’t forget—wouldn’t forget—while he slept in their warm bed, his beautiful wife lay cold in the ground.
A hand rested on his shoulder. He looked around at Johnny. “Hey, partner, you ready.”
“No. Mom and Pop are taking the kids over.” He nodded to the backhoe. “I’ll wait until they’re done.”
“Lots of people are going over to your folk’s house to talk to you.”
“I don’t care. They can wait or leave. I’m staying until this is finished.”
“Fine, I’ll wait with you. Let me tell Ali.”
Brian turned and waited. More waiting. It seemed to take a lifetime for them to lower her into the ground. One more tear slipped from between his lids before he turned away from Julie forever.
His heart sat like stone in his chest.
He had never in a million years imagined saying goodbye to her. Not even after their fight the other night, not even when she walked out with her suitcase. He held his arms over his chest, remembering the last hug and how badly he didn’t want her to go. Never would he have believed it was over. Now he had no choice.
Melissa stared out the window as the limo pulled away, leaving Brian and Johnny behind at the burial site. She glanced down at the diamond ring on her finger and wished Chase had come with her. How foolish she felt wearing his ring, calling him supportive when he couldn’t even take a day off to b
e with her and attend Julie’s funeral.
Ali gripped her right hand and said, “It’s a lovely ring, Melissa.”
Melissa smiled up at her. “I know. I just wish . . .”
“He has important work to do. Be thankful he’s passionate about his research,” her mother Susan said. “He’s a wonderful man, Melissa.”
She nodded. “Yes, he is passionate about his work. If only he were more passionate about me.”
“Don’t be foolish.” Susan waved a hand at her. “Brilliant men are always the hardest-working. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, too.”
“You don’t think this is the right thing, do you, Melissa?” Ali said. “You doubt your decision.”
“No, I don’t doubt I want to marry him.” She met Ali’s eyes and continued, “It’s the timing. I’m having trouble adjusting to the idea.”
Susan reached over and placed a hand on Melissa’s knee. “That’s because of Julie. It’s hard to be happy when you’re grieving. Give it time to sink in.”
“Yes, that’s what I mean. I wish he would have waited to propose. Julie’s death is very fresh. He chose the wrong time.”
“He wanted to cheer you up, darling. It was thoughtful in idea, if not in execution,” Susan said.
Melissa looked over at her mother, as did Ali. It was no secret their mother was oblivious to consideration and common kindness. Geez, her mother acted like she should be thankful any man wanted her, much less the brilliant Dr. Collins.
Ali squeezed her hand and shook her head, but she didn’t need to. Melissa had no more desire to argue with her mother than Ali did.
Chapter Seven
An hour later, Brian arrived at his parents’ house to face the crowd of people waiting for him. Nothing felt right. Lightheadedness or something akin to emptiness kept his thoughts jumbled and a little shy of crazy. He couldn’t sit still, yet he didn’t have the energy to move. Pins and needles attacked every inch of his body, giving him the shakes. All he wanted was a quiet room and a strong drink.
Just get this over with, he chanted to himself. Get over the grieving and get on with life. Work—he needed to work. Tomorrow, he’d get right back into the swing of things. He had his mom and pop to help with the kids, so there was no reason to wait.
“Brian, have you eaten anything.” He glanced up at Ali. She looked so sad, so worried.
He hated that, hated people worrying about him. “Have the kids eaten?”
“Melissa is making Cody a plate now, and Erin is already eating. When did you eat last?”
Brian shrugged, rubbing his hand over his forehead. “I’m fine, Ali, don’t worry about me.”
Ali glanced at his shaking hand and her brow creased. “I’ll stop worrying if you eat something. Can I make you a plate?”
He stared at her and wanted to scream—I’m fine! But Ali wanted to take care of him, to take care of everyone. That’s what she did, took care of people.
When he imagined having a sister, he always picture Ali. She was one of his oldest friends, she and Melissa. They had always been together, Brian, Melissa, Mark, and Ali, since grade school. He and Melissa had been attached at the hip, and eventually, Mark and Ali had become a couple, too. The four of them had always been together, until graduation, when Melissa announced she wanted to go back east for college. Her leaving changed his life, and, in turn, gave him Julie. He’d never even dated anyone else, but then again, he and Julie hadn’t exactly dated.
“Brian?” Ali said, trying to get his attention.
A smile touched his lips. “Hey, do you remember junior homecoming?”
“Huh, how could I forget it?” Ali grinned, and he thought maybe a little pink blushed her cheeks. She sat down on the coffee table across from him. “After we won the game, the seven of us got drunk in Julie’s garage. Shane spent the night hugging her toilet.”
“That’s right, Shane got sick. Do you remember what we were drinking?” he asked, looking toward the ceiling.
“No, and what the hell were we thinking, drinking at that age?” She closed her eyes and shook her head.
“We had fun though.”
“Yes, except for the sick part.”
“Remember the dance? Remember her dress?” His voice drifted over the memory.
“Whose dress?” she asked. “Julie’s?”
“Melissa’s—‘member the purple dress?” he asked again. “That was one awesome dress. She looked like a purple mermaid.”
“Brian, I’m making you a plate. You’re going to eat even if I have to force-feed you.”
He nodded, and his eyes followed her into the kitchen where Melissa sat with his kids at the table, taking care of them and talking to Cody with a warm smile. God, will I ever want to smile again? Will Cody or Erin? While these thoughts crossed his mind, a man he didn’t recognize leaned in to talk to Cody. The man rested his hand on Cody’s shoulder. Melissa abruptly stood and gripped his wrist.
“What the hell?” Brian’s scalp prickled at the expression on Melissa’s face.
Melissa tried to pull the man aside, but he balked. Brian stood and walked toward the kitchen at the same time Melissa pointed to the door. The man turned away from her with a dismissive smile on his face. The smile shifted something in Brian’s memory . . . one of Erin’s teachers. Mr . . . What was his name? Shit—Mr. Jeffries, right. Brian stepped into the kitchen and both their faces paled. He looked around them to Erin, and she looked a little green, too.
“What’s going on, Melissa?”
Her eyes grew wide as she stared at Brian. “He’s leaving. I’m just showing him the way out.”
“Leaving already?” he asked Mr. Jeffries, shifting his gaze from him to Melissa. “What’s the problem?”
She stammered incomprehensibly with an expression he couldn’t quite reconcile. He glanced up at Mr. Jeffries and recognized the guilt there.
Mr. Jeffries shifted to walk around Brian, but Brian held his hand out and looked into Melissa’s eyes again, and that’s when it hit him. Nausea, truth, hurt, and anger.
“Son-of-a-bitch,” Brian whispered, still watching her eyes when they filled with tears. “This is the guy, right? This is the son of a bitch who was sleeping with my wife.”
His hand fisted on Mr. Jeffries’ shirt, and he shoved him off his feet, lunging on top of him with his fist flying. The contact felt great. The surge of adrenalin and hate, releasing his grief and anxiety onto the one person on the planet he could hate without remorse. It all ended much too soon. Johnny and Mark pulled him up and hauled him out of the house. The jerks.
“What is he doing here?” he huffed. “Who the fuck . . .” He fought to catch his breath. “Who does he think he is entering this house?”
“Brian, stop! You have to stop. You’re scaring the kids. Take a deep breath.” Mark shoved him against the garage door, holding him by the shoulders.
Brian grabbed Mark’s shirt and gritted out, “Let me go!”
“Not until you calm down.”
They turned toward the scuffle on the lawn. His former partner, Detective Martinez had Jeffries by the collar and was towing him to the street.
Brian broke free from Mark’s grasp, but Johnny grabbed him before he got far.
“If I ever see your face near my family, I’ll fucking kill you,” Brian shouted over the heads of Mark and Johnny.
“Brian, stop it! You’re gonna get yourself arrested. There are too many cops here for this.” Johnny pushed Brian back against the garage door. “Shut it down, man!”
Brian staggered upright and met Melissa’s eyes when she came around the corner. She had an ice pack on her head, and Ali came rushing out beside her.
The wind left his sails at the sight of the ice pack. “Lis, what happened?” He reached out toward her, but Johnny still had a tight hold on him. “Let me go.” Brian shoved Johnny off him. “All right, let go.” He pushed past them and approached Melissa. “Are you okay? Let me see.”
“You knocked her off he
r feet when you attacked Jeffries,” Ali said. “She bumped her head, but she’ll be fine.”
He reached to lift the ice pack to rub at the little knot on her head, but Melissa waved him off. “I’m fine. I just wanted him to leave. I didn’t mean for all that to happen.” She brushed the tears from her cheeks.
Brian’s eyes narrowed. “He shouldn’t have been here. You should have told me who he was.”
Mark rested a hand on Brian’s shoulder. “Let’s just keep moving forward . . . okay. There’re still a lot of people here, and we need to get this over with.”
Brian turned toward the front door and almost plowed into his pop.
“Good going, Brian. Way to make a mockery out of your wife’s memorial.” He shook his head and narrowed his eyes. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“What?” Brian said. “Are you kidding me? That asshole was sleeping with my wife. She did this, Pop, not me.”
“You need to practice self-control. Just because you have a badge doesn’t mean you can bully people.”
“Gee, thanks for the support.”
“This is my fault,” Melissa said. “I’m sorry. I should have been more discreet when I asked him to leave.”
Greg nodded. “Maybe you should have.”
Brian took a step closer to his pop. “No, this isn’t Melissa’s fault either. It’s Julie’s. Being dead doesn’t release her of all responsibility.” Turning to Melissa, he said, “Sorry you were hurt in the scuffle.” Then he shrugged past his pop and stormed back into the house.
Chapter Eight
Melissa took a couple of deep breaths to pull herself together. When she looked up, Mr. Hammel locked on her gaze. “I apologize, Melissa. Brian’s right. This wasn’t your fault, but I wonder if it’s wise for you to be here.”
“I’m sorry?” she said, not sure what he meant. “Why shouldn’t I be here?”