"And I just fucked things up irreversibly," Elstrin finished. "It's okay, you can say it. And I am sorry. Whatever I did. I'm not going to defend myself."
Snow gave him a wry half-smile without looking at him. "But you feel like it anyway. I'm usually very good at this, Elstrin. There's no need to lie to me." He paused, gaze flicking up to meet Elstrin's briefly. "As I'm sure you've somewhat figured out after last night, I'm… not okay. I don't remember what happened at the party. Half the thoughts in my head aren't mine these days."
"What?" Elstrin said, alarmed. "I sure didn't know that. I just thought you were acting a bit odd and spacey, but—what do you mean, exactly?"
"I'll tell you tomorrow, after we've both had some rest."
"Come on, Snow. Just tell me now. Please stop putting it off."
"It's important. I'm serious. I'm in no condition to talk about such… delicate matters. Tomorrow, all right? I promise."
He stood up and started to walk out. "Fucking hell, Snow," Elstrin demanded, sitting up too quickly. The blood rushed to his head so fast that his ears rang and sparks exploded across his eyes. He groaned and clutched his hair, swearing through the acute waves of pain washing over his brain. When it finally passed, Snow was long gone. "Fuck," Elstrin muttered, hopping off the bed. His knees were weak.
He tottered out of the room, out of the infirmary. The night was bitingly cold, and not one person was on the field. The stars glimmered in the inky sky to their own rhythms, indifferent to the troubles that plagued the world they watched over.
x
"So no, it didn't go very fucking well," Elstrin concluded, sitting cross-legged on his bed facing Kana, who was still lying under his blanket with a damp towel on his forehead, though he seemed nearly recovered. Elstrin had managed to make himself very angry with the day's events, and now he was completely restless. It took all his willpower not to jump up and pace around. He'd started picking at a loose thread ten minutes ago and had ruined most of the stitching on one corner of his blanket. "I mean, first, knocking me out was a fucking lousy thing to do, they didn't even give me one word of warning. And then Snow wouldn't even say anything, even though I probably could've fucking died there, wherever the fuck I was, and he ordered me to—"
"Elstrin," Kana interrupted quietly, eyes closed. "Please lower your voice."
Elstrin took a deep, slow breath. "Sorry," he said softly.
"Could you get the lights?"
He stood up and flipped the light switch off, plunging the room into shadow.
"Now c'mere."
Elstrin went and joined Kana obediently. Kana squirmed a little to make room, then the warm, familiar weight of his arm fell around Elstrin's tense shoulders and over his stomach. Soft lips pressed to the side of his neck, his cheek. Elstrin tried to focus on the gentle sensations, but it just wasn't working. It seemed that once he'd started, he needed to vent his feelings properly.
"I feel a lot better," Kana murmured. "I think I can go back to training tomorrow."
"Good," Elstrin grunted.
Kana idly traced a finger along Elstrin's jaw. "Gabriel came up here when everyone was training."
That at least distracted Elstrin a little. "Oh?"
"Mm."
"What did you two do?" He didn't mean to sound so accusing, but his mind was determined to
think up the worst-case scenarios, and somehow Kana being his usual promiscuous self was a worst-case scenario. He wasn't sure why—he normally didn't really care, they'd talked about it before. In fact, he'd been doing exactly that on the night of the party before everything went to shit. God, Elstrin didn't want to think about that anymore.
Kana laughed soundlessly. "We fucked 'til we passed out. What do you think we did, silly? We talked. Well, I tried to get him to talk while he just rambled on and on about how I needed to keep you in line before you fucked things up. But since it looks like I failed before I even started, I'll just need to tie you to the bed until everything settles down again. Just don't get too excited; it's just business."
"That's not funny."
"Sure it is," Kana teased, poking his nose. "You're just not in the mood. You're boring when you're mad."
Elstrin sighed. "What did you talk about, then?"
Kana turned serious. "If I tell you, promise me you'll try to catch up on some sleep tonight. I don't know what Snow is planning to do tomorrow but I can guess. It's nothing I've ever seen before, and I have no idea how it works but I know it's fucking dangerous. But if it's his choice to do it, then nobody can stop him."
"What? What's he going to do?"
"I don't know," Kana repeated. "Look, will you just promise me?"
"I can't sleep," Elstrin said, distressed. "I have too fucking much on my mind. Everything's all connected somehow, all that stuff from when I first came here with a fucking ghost stuck to my crotch to rumours about Gabriel murdering people—none of it is over, they keep saying it's been taken care of but that's all bullshit, it's clearly—"
Kana kissed him, shutting him up quite effectively. He still wasn't quite used to how great of a kisser Kana was, which was absurd because it had been three months, but they really didn't get many chances to do it. At least not as many as what Elstrin imagined regular couples outside the army did. Maybe it was the stress of the situation, but Elstrin found himself responding with something akin to desperation, pressing against Kana's mouth hard enough to bruise. It felt good, hot and physical and real, so unlike all those lingering truths and history hanging in his periphery. He slid his hands over Kana's bare skin, drawing him close, until Kana pushed away an inch or two. Elstrin leaned after him, breathing hard, but was stopped by a firm hand on his chest. "Later. Later, we can do something so fucking amazing you'll go out like a light afterwards. Just promise me you'll let me."
Elstrin gulped and nodded, fighting his body's insistent urging to just forget everything for a few hours. Instead he scooted back a little bit so the temptation lessened. "Okay. I'm listening. Make it quick."
"All right. He didn't outright tell me much, but he kept hinting at Snow and someone called Rem. Obviously you've met him already today, so it should make more sense to both of us now. Apparently he's super fucking powerful, like a huge magical battery in the middle of HQ—he controls the wall, the barrier, everything. I have no idea what he's doing here, but he is here, and the army needs him. But lately there's been some… trouble. You remember what I said last night before I passed out, about Snow not being human?"
"Yeah," Elstrin said. He did not want to think about that either.
"Yes, well, turns out I was both right and wrong. Gabriel wouldn't admit it, but I'm pretty sure Snow is not a hundred percent human. He's connected to Rem—don't know how or why, but they share some of the same magic, the same energy. He can't be human, not in an unaltered sense at least, because you would die with Rem's power in your blood all the time. But that's not important. From what I gathered, Rem is really, really sick. And his sickness affects his magic, it affects the barrier, it affects Snow."
"Oh. So—so he's not going crazy after all." He felt weirdly relieved by that, though plain out crazy was a much easier and simpler explanation for Snow's behaviour. Probably because crazy sounded irreparable, while being connected to a failing magical engine… didn't. Not completely irreparable, at least. He hoped.
"No, Snow is probably not. But Rem… he's jeopardising the base by fucking up the spells he laid down himself. That's the other thing. I asked what the big deal was about that, it's not like we're at war or anything, the base doesn't even need a huge wall in the first place. And he was really unclear about it, but he basically said what you're so angry about—none of it is over. I had no idea what 'it' meant, but a few years ago in the slums, someone tried to frame Gabriel for murder. Everybody just kind of presumed he didn't do it just to avoid him getting angry, but there's never been any evidence either way. So that's probably one part of it. And then he started talking about Vel's brother, which seemed c
ompletely irrelevant, and when I mentioned that I thought he died in an accident, he shut up fast and looked really guilty. He was really not making much sense by then." Kana frowned. "He was pretty drunk, which is funny, because the last time I met him for more than ten minutes, we did shots. Whiskey, I think, and I couldn't take it after eight or so, but he finished the whole fucking bottle. He was fine—the sex was still absolutely fucking amazing afterwards. I don't know—"
"Kana," Elstrin snapped, glaring.
"Oh. Sorry," Kana grinned. "But that's about it, really. He was just worried, I guess, about Snow and Rem and you. He couldn't tell me everything; I think he was really just up here to vent. But it's pretty obvious there's some serious unfinished business going on with them all, and to top it off the magic in HQ is shorting out. I think Snow is going to tell you about Rem tomorrow, only… in a different way. So just… be careful, yeah? Apparently Rem freaks out if you freak out, and nobody wants that. So what you need to do now is sleep, and go out tomorrow as calm as you can be, and keep your cool."
"How the fuck can I sleep after you told me all that?" Elstrin said incredulously. He had a million more questions added to his list now. "What the hell's going on? How come someone tried to kill me six months ago and they still haven't solved anything? Snow said they'd arrested the guy! Everything should be fine—"
"But they're not fine, Elstrin, and you're shouting again. That was all I know, and believe me, I'm wondering the same things myself. We can't do a thing, and I know that's annoying as hell, but really, I trust the army to make the best decisions for us. This stuff we've been dragged into
is way bigger than us, you know that. So just—trust Gabriel, trust Snow, trust me. Don't think about the questions, at least not tonight."
Kana sounded close to pleading, his hand tight on Elstrin's forearm, eyes bright and concerned in the gloom. Elstrin felt the automatic impulse to protest and stomped it down. Kana was worried for him. Nobody had ever cared that much. That alone was reason enough to listen to him. So he forced his muscles to relax, bit his lip and tried to blank out the doubt and anger in his mind. "How the fuck can I sleep?" he repeated helplessly, in a quieter voice.
Kana smiled, relieved then wicked, and pulled him close instead of answering.
Elstrin sighed as Kana kissed him, lips moving perfectly against his, sending the nerves around
his face and neck tingling. He felt that restless urge from earlier rise up again, and this time Kana let him roll them over until Elstrin was on top. Elstrin pushed his tongue into Kana's mouth, sliding his hands down his chest, digging fingers into the firm muscle there in a shallow imitation of the countless massages Kana had given him. He shivered when Kana stuck his arms up his shirt to pinch and tweak his nipples.
He broke the kiss after several long minutes, the need to gasp becoming too strong once Kana started grinding his hips up to meet Elstrin's. He found that it was these small attentions that really got him hot and bothered—the teasing fingers on his nipples, the frustratingly vague relief of each thrust through layers of fabric, the light, safe sensation of Kana's legs bracketing his body. He drank in the sight of Kana sprawled beneath him, hair mussed, eyes midnight-blue slits, slightly-swollen lips all the more red against the pale of his skin. Elstrin swooped down again to kiss him, across his face towards his jaw, along his neck where the faint, clean hint of saltiness was gathering.
Kana lowered one hand and drew his nail lightly over Elstrin's navel, making him jump with a startled laugh. It tickled. Kana did it again, stroking his finger up and down the sensitive patch of skin right above his crotch. Elstrin hid his face in his black hair, breathing in the scent of shampoo and trying to resist grabbing Kana's hand and shoving it where he wanted it to go. He bore the barely-there pressure for as long as he could until the strain in his pants became uncomfortable. When he reached down, Kana stopped and caught his wrists in a flash, smirking widely.
"Don't touch yourself just yet," he whispered, squirming out from underneath Elstrin. He pushed Elstrin onto the mattress and yanked off both of their boxers, while Elstrin struggled out of his shirt. As usual, once Kana was naked Elstrin couldn't stop staring at his cock. It was rigid, curving up the slightest amount, and in the darkness it looked even more solid and hard than usual. He knew it would be flushed pale pink, the tip a deeper shade of red than the smooth length of the shaft. He wanted it in his mouth, stretching his lips, sliding over his tongue. He had grown to love the taste and size of it. Kana noticed his rapt, attentive look and laughed, scooting closer to straddle Elstrin's chest. His hand cradled the back of Elstrin's head, warm fingers flexing and scratching gently. Kana groaned when Elstrin leaned forward and sucked. "Fuck," he murmured, combing a hand through Elstrin's hair, pushing into his mouth the tiniest amount. He sped up when Elstrin didn't protest, until he was bowed over Elstrin, panting, both hands holding Elstrin's head steady as he thrust in and out. Feeling the subtle contours of his cock against his lips and tongue was too much—Elstrin's dick was starting to ache, but as soon as his hand wandered towards it again, Kana pulled out and knocked his arm away. "No. Not yet."
"You're evil," Elstrin gasped, rolling his hips in an attempt to rub up against Kana, but he met
only thin air. Kana smiled and kissed him hungrily. He moved to nibble at his neck, gnaw lightly at his collarbone. Elstrin fisted his hands in the blanket, hips straining involuntarily again. "Kana," he pleaded.
"Okay, okay." Kana reached sideways to open the bedside drawer, grabbing the familiar crumpled tube of lubricant, but he brought out a new item—a condom. He grinned and held it up. "What do you say? Wanna fuck?"
Elstrin swallowed, gazing wide-eyed at the little foil package. His neglected cock screamed at him to say yes, just do something to relieve the painful arousal coursing through his blood, but the tiny, rational part of his brain hesitated. He'd learnt a lot on the sexual front with Kana, but they'd never done something like this before. On one level, it was silly to worry about it—it was just another form of pleasure—but it seemed important to find the proper time and situation for it. It felt special, as all new things did. He trusted and liked Kana, but… it had only been a few months, very busy months where they hadn't really done much at all.
"We don't have to," Kana said quickly, studying his expression. "We could just do the usual. It's just…" Kana smiled and finally wrapped his fingers around Elstrin's cock, instantly silencing about half of that rational voice. Elstrin started and moaned out loud, head tipping back. "I really, really want to feel you inside me."
"W-what?" Elstrin whimpered, looking up again, not really able to think when Kana was palming him slowly and steadily. Somehow, he didn't know why, but somehow he'd thought he would be the one getting fucked. Probably because Kana had such a big dick and he'd just assumed, though it was a completely stupid assumption. But no, it was the other way around, Kana wanted him—and the thought of it chased away the remaining half of the voice. "Yes," he said right as Kana stroked him again, so his answer was half-lost in an involuntary shudder. "Yeah, okay," he tried again, attempting to keep his voice steady.
Kana chuckled darkly. "You look surprised," he noted, letting go to squeeze a generous amount of lube onto his fingers.
"I just thought you'd…" Elstrin's words dried in his mouth when Kana reached around and
pushed two fingers inside himself smoothly. At this angle Elstrin was pretty much eye-level with the action, and for once his gaze wasn't drawn to the stiff, beautiful shape of Kana's cock. Watching Kana stretch himself with practiced ease was possibly the sexiest thing he'd ever seen.
"You thought I'd what?" Kana asked breathily, his long, pale fingers disappearing again in a
quick upwards jerk. If Elstrin hadn't completely lost his train of thought before, that did it. Kana bent and kissed him, breaking him out of his reverie briefly. "You thought I'd do you? Didn't think you were ready for that. I don't even know if you like it."
"I—I do," Elstrin stamm
ered between kisses, breath hitching when Kana's other hand grabbed hold of his erection again. He did like it if he was in the right mood, but the only times he'd really done it was by himself in the shower, so he added unsteadily, "I think."
"Mm," Kana said, breaking away a tiny amount so Elstrin still couldn't see. "Good. Next time, then, maybe. Right now…" He shifted slightly, and a slick hand took Elstrin's wrist and guided it forwards. Elstrin's fingertips brushed against Kana's ass; he rubbed the hot ring of muscle automatically and Kana made an appreciative sound. Carefully, still blindly, Elstrin eased his middle finger inside. The hot, moist constriction was amazing; his cock twitched impatiently in Kana's grip in response to the brief surge of tightness around his finger. He added another, pushing deeper, and Kana moaned.
"Am I… doing it right?" Elstrin asked.
"Definitely," Kana said, half-laughing, his breaths speeding up. "Up a bit. Deeper. Little more— yes," he hissed, squeezing Elstrin's cock reflexively so that Elstrin shivered as well. "Fuck, right there, that's good. Keep going, oh—oh, shit," he gasped, when Elstrin started to thrust his fingers in and out as fast as he dared. He was seemingly hitting that spot every single time, because soon Kana was kissing him hard, moaning so much he sounded close to purring. Elstrin played around with his speed, slowing down and speeding up, wondering at how acutely Kana responded to the tiniest shift in tempo. And it was just two fingers. He couldn't wait to find out how the proper fuck would feel— and apparently neither could Kana, because after a few minutes he straightened up so Elstrin's fingers slipped free. He gave Elstrin one of his lazy, smouldering-hot grins, wordlessly opened the condom and rolled it onto Elstrin. Another dollop of lube, the cool shock of it not much muted by the thin latex, but a second later Kana eased onto his cock and wiped everything else from Elstrin's mind.
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