I stood in the middle of the filthy kitchen not sure what I should do. I guess I could go upstairs and get some sleep. But the truth was I was terrified to go in my room. Too many memories. Too many triggers. I just wasn’t ready for that.
Instead, I rolled up my sleeves and filled the sink with soapy water. I started to wash the dishes. Then I moved on to cleaning the counters and taking out the trash. I found the broom in the closet and swept the floor.
After I was finished in the kitchen, I moved onto the living room. Straightening couch cushions and throwing out mail. But I didn’t touch Lisa’s stuff. I just couldn’t do that. I knew that Ruby wasn’t ready.
By the time I had straightened up the downstairs, it was two-thirty in the morning. I stood at the base of the stairs, debating whether I should go up or not. But I wasn’t in any sort of emotional state to handle the feelings that room would create in me.
I pulled off my shirt and made myself comfortable on the couch. Staring up at the ceiling I really wondered how I would survive being back here. I forced myself away from all Maggie related thoughts and tried to get some sleep.
I finally found myself nodding off with her eyes burning in my mind.
Chapter Ten
-Maggie-
I pulled a black dress out of my closet and held it up in front of me. Yuck, no way. I hated black. And I knew Ruby hated black. So instead, I pulled out my dark green dress and decided to wear that one instead.
Lisa’s funeral was at two. It was only ten in the morning. But I couldn’t stay in bed. I felt restless and antsy. The last few days had passed in a bit of a blur. Mom and I had tried to go by and see Ruby a few times. But every time we attempted to do so, she wasn’t home. Or didn’t answer the door.
We left the casserole on her front porch and when I drove by later, I saw that it was gone. I hoped Ruby had gotten it. Otherwise some jackass had stolen it and was enjoying some of my mother’s fantastic cooking. Which was completely fucked up.
I had sent a bouquet of flowers to Ruby’s house. I had spent a long time picking out the most beautiful arrangement possible. Which was sort of ridiculous. Who really gives a shit about flowers when they were putting the love of their life in the ground?
Rachel and Daniel would be going to the funeral with my parents and me later today. They hadn’t really known Lisa, but they were going to support me. I spent an inordinate amount of time putting together my outfit. Brushing out my hair and applying my makeup. I hated how obsessive I was acting over my appearance.
This was a funeral, not a beauty pageant.
But today I would see him. And even if I somehow convinced myself that I didn’t care, that what he thought about the way I looked was insignificant, it would be a freaking lie.
Unfortunately I cared way too much about what he thought. What he felt. How he was handling things now that he was back in Davidson. I had to talk myself out of driving to Ruby’s yesterday after I had learned he was back in town.
His arrival had caused quite the stir at school. I had overheard a number of people talking about how they had seen him around. It was confirmed that he had gone into the flower shop to order arrangements. Then he had taken Ruby to Grandy’s Steak house for dinner. His every move was catalogued and dissected as though he were a damn celebrity.
It wasn’t every day that the town crazy came home. Because that’s what everyone was really talking about. How good he looked. He was even acting social. Apparently a few brave souls had attempted conversation with him. And, oh my gosh, he had talked to them! How amazing was that? This wasn’t the same guy who had refused to talk to anyone when he had lived here before. The social outcast who had become the guy with suicidal tendencies.
The gossip pissed me off. It unearthed my need to protect and defend him. But I was also unabashedly thankful for it. I clung to every tiny shred of news I could hear about him.
Because Clayton Reed was back in Davidson and I was prepared for him to blow my world apart…again.
Rachel and Daniel were driving me a little insane. They wouldn’t let me out of their sights. Insisting on staying at my house last night so that we could watch movies and “hang out.”
Whatever. That was best friend code for eliminating all possibilities for stupid decision making. Which included calling, visiting, or otherwise stalking my former boyfriend. Not that I would do such a thing. I mean, I was so past all that. So says the girl who fell to sleep last night staring at a picture of said former boyfriend that I secretly stowed away in the back of my closet.
Alright, so I was sickeningly excited to see Clay. How fucked up was that? To be happy to see him in light of what he was here for. It was beyond selfish and beyond wrong. But it was there nonetheless.
And Rachel, in her all seeing best friendy ways, saw it right away. “Mags, don’t make this into something more than it is. He’s here for Lisa’s funeral. He’s not here to reunite and whisk you away in some romantic happily ever after. You’ve moved on. You’re actually starting to live your life again. You have a future to look forward to. So don’t expect something he damn sure can’t give you. He made himself very clear with that letter. Remember that,” Rachel had warned me last night as she waited for Daniel, who had gone out to start the car so he could drive her home.
Her words were pretty mean and I sucked in a painful breath in response. Shit, this girl was ruthless. But also annoyingly accurate. “Damn Rach, that was harsh. When did you become a mega bitch?” I griped, trying to cover up how bothered I was by her words.
She arched her eyebrow and leveled the look in my direction. The look that said she was about to throw off the gloves and smack some shit into me. “I watched you self-destruct once over Clayton Reed and I won’t see you do it again. It’s cool that you’re going to the funeral out of respect for Ruby and for Lisa. I get that you want to be there for that. But just don’t go tomorrow thinking it’s going to herald the new age of Maggie and Clay. You’ve been down that path before and it only brought about depression and significant weight loss,” Rachel said with more snark than I thought her capable of.
“You’ve been hanging out with me way too long, Rachel Bradfield,” I complained, trying to change the subject. Clay would always be a bone of contention between us. Rachel and Daniel, while endlessly supportive, had expressed their opinions (however gently) on the matter. He was bad news. Even though they understood on some level why he had acted the way he had, it didn’t change the outcome. He had pulled me into his darkness and I had almost lost myself there. It was only now, after all these months, I was starting to find my way back from it.
The front door had opened before Rachel could say anything else, bringing with it a blast of cold March air. “Am I missing out on some girl talk? Come on, fill me in ladies.” Daniel rubbed his hands together, trying to warm them up.
I shook my head at Rachel, warning her to keep her mouth shut. I didn’t need to hear the same shit over again from Daniel. One best friend nagging me was enough. But even though her delivery annoyed me, I took her words to heart. And whether she realized it or not, I truly had no plans to walk down that road ever again.
I could be perversely excited to see Clay again. I could want to know how he was holding up and whether he was all right. But that didn’t change the fact that my life needed to go on without him in it. He had his treatment and I had my future. And those two things didn’t coincide. They never would.
So here I was, the next morning, staring at the reflection of a girl who had changed so much in the last three months. I wasn’t the same person who had naively believed that she could help her sick boyfriend. That she was the only medicine he needed. What an idiot that girl had been.
I wasn’t sure I was ready for this, but I didn’t have a choice. I was scared that I’d see Clay and all of my resolve would take a flying leap. I didn’t think I could handle seeing his grief and not want to take care of him. It was in my nature to want to comfort him. The broken inside of him called
out to the nurturer in me. Something I had never been until he had stumbled into my life.
There was a knock at my door and my dad poked his head inside my room. “You’re dressed already?” He looked at me as though I had grown another head. Given that I didn’t normally get out of bed on a Saturday before noon, I understood his disbelief.
I shrugged, putting on some silver stud earrings. My dad came in and sat down on the edge of my bed. “You ready for today?” he asked with concern.
“Stop worrying about me, Dad. It makes you twitchy,” I teased, trying to lighten the mood. My dad shook his head and scratched at his beard.
“I’m not twitchy; it’s just that tick of mine,” he joked. I smirked and smoothed my dress. “Mom has breakfast cooking. Come downstairs and eat something,” he urged, giving me a placating smile.
“Sure, I’ll be down in a bit. Save some bacon for me, will ya,” I called out as my dad left.
“No promises,” he said and I had to laugh.
My phone began ringing from my dresser and I picked it up, seeing Jake’s name flash across the screen. I sighed and thought about ignoring it but instead put it to my ear.
“Hey, Jake,” I said.
“Good morning, Maggie. I’m just calling to figure out what time I should come and get you today. I figured maybe we could grab some lunch or something and then get with Rachel and Daniel later.” He sounded so eager and I tried not to groan. We had made plans just a few days ago, but with everything that had happened since then, I had to say it had completely slipped my mind.
I wanted to cancel; today would leave me emotionally exhausted. I didn’t know what would happen when I saw Clay again and I didn’t want to go into it knowing I’d have to spend my evening with someone else.
“Jake, about tonight,” I started but I Jake’s humorless laugh cut me off.
“You’re not rain checking on me are you?” He was clearly trying to sound blasé, but I could hear the hurt. Well, shit.
“It’s just today I have a funeral to go to and I’m just not sure what that’s going to mean for the rest of the day,” I explained, omitting some key details from the excuse. All I knew was that I did not want to go on this date tonight. Things had considerably changed since Wednesday. And I wasn’t sure where I was headed at this point.
“A funeral? What happened, Maggie?” Jake asked with concern. He was such a nice guy and I felt like the world’s worst person for leading him on the way that I had. What in the hell had I been thinking? When did Maggie Young become the kind of girl to mess with people’s emotions like this?
“It’s Lisa McCabe,” I answered him, stealing myself for the explanation that would make Jake feel even worse.
“Lisa McCabe? Who’s that?” he asked.
“She was Clay’s aunt Ruby’s partner. I um… I just really need to go,” I said hurriedly. There was absolute silence on the other end.
Finally after a few minutes, Jake cleared his throat. “Oh, I see. Then I’m guessing Clay’s in town then, huh?” His voice had turned cold. I knew Jake wasn’t happy with it, but then I shouldn’t have to explain myself to anyone, least of all him. Jake wasn’t my boyfriend. He was a friend, nothing more.
“Yeah, he is. But I haven’t seen him yet. The funeral is at two and then there’s a gathering at Ruby’s house. I just don’t know when it’s going to be over,” I said shortly, a little irritated by Jake’s attitude. It was a freaking funeral. I shouldn’t feel guilty for backing out of our plans because of it.
“Well. Okay then. I guess if you finish up early enough, give me a call. Otherwise, I’ll see you on Monday.” Yeah, he was pissed. Well he was just going to have to simmer in his juvenile behavior because I wasn’t biting.
“Sure,” I bit out and hung up. Screw Jake Fitzsimmons. I tossed my phone onto the bed and stood there with my hands on my hips, feeling edgy and annoyed.
The smell of bacon wafted up the stairs and my stomach rumbled. I hadn’t eaten much in the way of dinner the night before and my belly was letting me know. I headed down into the kitchen. My mom looked up and smiled at me. She looked stunning in her black pencil skirt and grey silk blouse. She had pulled her blonde hair into a neat bun at the base of her neck. My mother looked graceful and perfect. Just like she always did.
But what I loved even more was the way she looked at me with understanding and compassion. She knew how hard this day would be for me. “Come eat, honey. I made banana pancakes, just for you.” She loaded up a plate and brought it over to the table. My dad was drinking his coffee and reading the paper.
“You look lovely,” my mom said, kissing the top of my head. I smiled up at her, picking up a piece of bacon.
“Thanks, Mom,” I replied, grabbing the maple syrup and drenching my pancakes with it. Mom poured herself a cup of coffee and came to sit beside me. She watched me silently as I ate.
“How are you feeling?” she asked as I shoveled food into my mouth. I chewed slowly and thought of how to respond. I had to be careful how I answered. I knew my parents were going to be watching me very closely. They were worried about my seeing Clay again. They had only just started to relax their hyper-vigilant hovering and I didn’t want them to start helicoptering again.
I understood why they were concerned. I’d be coming face to face with the boy who had ripped my heart out and left me a broken mess. They understood my compulsive need to help him. And seeing him in mourning was sure to bring out all of those feelings again.
But that didn’t mean I would act on any of those instincts. I would be there to pay my respects to a woman I had come to love and admire. That was the priority today. Clay was in my past. And while I could offer my condolences, I would leave it at that.
“I’m sad, you know? I hadn’t really talked to Lisa in months, but she was such a wonderful person,” I said honestly. My mom nodded, sipping on her coffee. My dad looked at me over the top of the newspaper, his brows furrowed.
“I’m not sure going to Ruby’s house afterwards is the best idea. We’ll go to the funeral and then I think we should head home,” my father said. I stopped chewing and dropped my fork onto my plate.
“Dad, of course we should go to Ruby’s. It would be rude not to,” I argued. Honestly, I was terrified at the prospect of walking into Ruby’s house again. But I needed to go. It seemed irrationally important that I be there.
“I’m sure there will be enough people there, we won’t be missed. I just think it would be uncomfortable. And that’s the last thing Ruby needs today,” my dad said, closing the newspaper and setting it down on the table.
“Uncomfortable for who, Dad? Is this about Ruby or more about you?” I asked sharply.
My dad’s face flushed and I instantly regretted snapping at him. Time to try a different approach.
“Please, Dad. I need to be there for Ruby,” I pleaded. My mom watched me closely.
“And Clay?” she asked casually. Too casually.
I took a deep breath. “Of course, Clay too. But today is about Lisa. Nothing else,” I hurried on. My parents shared a look but didn’t say anything else. I ate the rest of my breakfast in a thick silence. The bacon and pancakes sitting like lead in my stomach.
It was eleven by the time I finished. I got up to rinse my dishes in the sink. My parents each gave me a kiss before heading out to run some errands before the funeral. They hadn’t brought up going to Ruby’s house again and I still wasn’t sure whether I would be permitted to go or not. But I knew if they nixed the idea, I couldn’t argue. I wouldn’t go down that road again, defying my parents for Clay.
Rachel and Daniel showed up around noon and I was thankful for the distraction. Rachel looked pretty in her black, knee length dress. Daniel cleaned up nicely in a grey suit and dark blue tie. He was letting his blonde hair grow out and it fell in curls over his forehead.
They came in and we made our way up to my room. “So, I heard from Jake that you cancelled our plans for tonight,” Daniel commented, taking his jacke
t off and laying it over my desk chair.
“We’re not going out tonight?” Rachel asked, looking at me in surprise. I clenched my teeth together.
“I just didn’t think I’d be up to it after this afternoon, alright?” I said defensively, sitting down on the edge of my bed, careful not to crease my skirt. Rachel and Daniel looked at one another and I could interpret all too well their silent communication.
“Mags, come on, I think it will be good for you to get out tonight,” Daniel said gently, moving clothes off of my vanity stool so Rachel could sit down. I sighed, really hoping that they would just let it drop. But seeing the firm set of Danny’s jaw, I knew they wouldn’t.
“Is this about Jake? Because I only agreed to go with him because he sort of wore me down. I don’t really like him like that…” I started and Danny shook his head.
“This has absolutely nothing to do with Jake and absolutely fucking everything to do with Clay,” he bit out angrily. Whoa, where was this coming from?
“Danny,” Rachel warned quietly. I looked between the two of them, getting frustrated by their complete lack of faith in me.
“Look you two, stop freaking out about this. I will tell you the same thing I told my parents, it’s a funeral. I will be going to pay my respects to Lisa. Who happens to be someone I had come to care a lot about. Stop making this all about Clay, it’s ridiculous and more than a little disrespectful,” I scolded them.
Rachel had the decency to look contrite. Daniel on the other hand simply stared back at me belligerently. “Don’t act like seeing Clay won’t fuck with your head, Mags. You forget it was Rachel and I who sat here day after day while you totally fell apart over that guy. I feel bad for him. I know this is hard on him. But I wish like hell he wasn’t here. Because I’m worried what this will do to you.” I bit my tongue on the hateful comment that wanted to fly out of my mouth.
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