Hissss. That was the sound my balloon being popped. Knowing that this was over, whatever it had been, left me completely bereft. What if I never got an opportunity like this again? What if Maggie went home and realized spending time together had been a huge mistake? I knew I couldn’t live with that. Not when I had only just gotten a taste of what I had been missing.
“I’m glad we hung out, Clay. This was nice,” Maggie said, tugging on her coat. And like that, I was okay again. And I knew that Dr. Todd had been right all along, that there was something so fundamentally wrong about my moods and feelings being dictated by another person like this. But when it was good, it was so freaking good.
“Bye Tilly,” I said as we were leaving and Maggie smirked at me.
“Oblivious,” she mouthed.
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever,” I muttered, though I could play oblivious all day long if it meant she kept teasing me like this.
Maggie’s phone started to ring and she pulled it out to check the caller ID. I noticed the way her eyes darted to me before she answered.
I unlocked my car doors as Maggie began to talk to the person on the other line. I could tell instantly that she wasn’t speaking to either Daniel or Rachel. There was something about her voice that I couldn’t quite place.
She turned her face away as she spoke quietly and I tried respect her privacy and not eavesdrop. But that possessive animal inside of me had me listening all the same. And when I heard her say, “I don’t know, Jake. I promised my parents I’d be home for dinner,” I wanted to snarl.
Fucking Jake. Apparently they were close enough to talk on the phone now. And yeah, that pissed the hell out of me. A voice inside me growled she’s mine. And then my head became consumed by dark, twisted thoughts of Maggie with Jake and I couldn’t handle it.
I pulled out into traffic and hauled ass to her house. Maggie looked over at me in concern when I cut a sharp turn, causing my tires to squeal. I didn’t even spare her a glance. I couldn’t even look at her. This was killing me.
“I’ve gotta go, Jake. I’ll call you later,” Maggie said and hung up. My teeth were clenched and I was equal parts relieved and devastated when I pulled up in front of Maggie’s house.
I didn’t turn off the car. I just needed her to go even as I dreaded her getting out of the vehicle and leaving me. But I was fuming. I was mad at her, mad at me, mad and that fucking tool, Jake. I couldn’t deal with this right now. The dark need to take care of this horrible pain was becoming overwhelming.
“Clay. About Jake…”Maggie started and I held up my hand, cutting her off.
“You don’t need to explain shit to me. We’re not together. End of story.” I sounded bitter and cold and I saw the way Maggie flinched. I felt the flicker of regret but it was quickly drowned out by the noise in my head.
“No, we’re not together, Clay. But I’m not with Jake either. We’re just friends. Not that I should have to tell you anything.” She sounded irritated but even still she reached out, placing her hand on my arm.
I tensed and thought about pulling away. But I was rendered motionless, too needy for her touch. “You’re right, it’s your life. Spend it with who you want,” I said, my words strangled in my throat. It was such a lie. I didn’t want her spending it with anyone but me. That scary part of me wanted me to claim her, force her to see that I was all she wanted because she was all I needed.
Maggie sighed and removed her hand, leaving me aching and alone. “God, Clay. Why can’t anything ever be simple between us? Jake’s a friend. And let me remind you, that it was you who ended us. Because I wouldn’t have done that. There is nothing in this world that would have made me leave you.” Maggie got out of my car and shut the door. Without a backward glance she went into her house.
I slammed my palms down onto the steering wheel several times and let out a deep, guttural scream. I threw the car into drive and got the hell out of there. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t focus. I just wanted to go somewhere. Find something to take it all away. This was too fucking much. I couldn’t deal with the pain that fizzled in my gut. I needed for it to disappear.
I got on the interstate and drove. And drove. And drove. With no purpose other than putting distance between me and the girl who was ripping my insides out. After an hour, I pulled into a rest stop to try to figure out what the hell I was going to do.
I got out of my car, grabbed the glass juice bottle that had been left in my center console and headed toward some picnic tables in the middle of a grove of trees. I smashed the bottle on the ground and picked up the largest shard of glass and held it tightly in my fist.
It bit into my skin but not enough to draw blood. If I squeezed just a little harder it would cut me. Just a bit more and this buzzing in my head would go away. I wanted the quiet. For a little while at least.
“Fuck,” I breathed out and dropped the glass onto the grass. And then I lost it. I dropped my head into the cover of my arms and cried. I hated myself for almost giving into the self-destructive craving. I hated that I couldn’t be stronger. And I really hated that in that moment, the life I wanted so desperately seemed miserably out of reach.
Chapter Sixteen
-Maggie-
To say things have been…intense since Clay has shown back up in my life, would be a vast understatement. The truth was I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel or act. Or what the hell I was supposed to say to him when he looked at me like I held the answers to the most important questions.
Last Friday had been completely surreal. It was like the past and the present had gotten all mixed up and I was somehow transported back in time. It had been too easy, too natural, to fall back into that place in my life where Clay fit.
And it was just as easy to remember why he could so easily tear me apart. I could tell that he was trying to change. I could practically see the struggle in him to show me that see I’m different. And in some ways he was.
Gone was the paranoid, hypersensitive recluse. Since returning to school, he seemed to make it a point to talk to people. He didn’t skirt the edges of the hallway, hoping no one would notice him. He walked straight down the middle with his head held high. And I felt my heart swell in my chest each and every time I saw him because I was so proud of him.
He seemed to be doing his best to ignore the insatiable gossip that still swirled around him. More power to him, because that was something I had yet to master.
Rachel told me he had started working at Bubbles. The fact he was working at a place where he would be forced to interact with people on a regular basis absolutely floored me.
He was trying to paint a new picture of himself, that was clear. But it didn’t change what I had glimpsed when he dropped me off at my house last week. The anger and jealousy when he realized it was Jake on the phone. The way he had instantly shut me out. I had seen the wall come down. And I had been devastated and disappointed. Because I had hoped we were past that particular ugliness. But apparently not. Because that other Clay was still there. At least when he was around me. And that Clay still scared the hell out of me. And I wasn’t sure if this new and improved Clayton Reed would ever be able to eradicate him.
There were times during the week when I would see him in the hallway or in the cafeteria and our eyes would meet and I could believe that we would find our way back to each other. That no matter what, Clay and I belonged together.
But then he would look away, move on, and I just knew he was avoiding me. Because he had made no effort to talk to me since being at Ruby’s shop. And, for the first time in my entire life, I didn’t do what was in my nature. Barge in, demand an explanation. Take control of things until I was satisfied with the result. It was as though I were waiting for a sign that read safe to proceed.
But so far, I was looking for something that remained hidden.
And Jake. Well, I felt like a real bitch for the way I had treated him. He had been such a good friend, even if I knew he had been biding his time, waiting for me to r
ealize he was the guy I wanted to be with.
And for one whole moment, I thought that yeah, maybe I could move on and be with someone else. And why couldn’t that someone be Jake Fitzsimmons?
But then Clay had blown back into my world and I realized I was deluding myself. Because I couldn’t stomach the thought of sharing my life with anyone else.
“Why don’t we order a pizza and catch up on CSI. I won’t tell your mom that we watched TV during dinner,” my dad joked, dropping his keys down on the counter after coming in from work.
It was Thursday, Mom’s Bunco night. Dad and I had proclaimed it Pizza Thursday years ago and it was a routine we rarely deviated from. I looked up from my English homework and grinned as my dad started rooting through the junk drawer, trying to find the coupons for Papa John’s.
“Sounds like a plan,” I agreed. My dad opened the refrigerator to get a drink and pulled out a Pyrex dish covered in foil with a note attached to the top. My dad read it and let out an audible groan.
“What is it?” I asked, coming over to grab the note. It was from my mom. She was asking my dad to run the casserole over to Ruby. A knot suddenly formed in my stomach.
“Well, that was nice of her,” I said, peeking up at my dad hesitantly. His mouth was set in a firm line and he looked anything but pleased with my mother’s thoughtfulness.
“I wish she’d just leave well enough alone,” he grumbled, putting the casserole down on the counter with a hard slam.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, getting annoyed by my dad’s rudeness. Whatever his feelings for Clay, how he could be less than friendly to Ruby after all that she had been through seemed callous.
My dad sighed. “I feel horrible for Ruby. She’s a sweet woman, always has been. But it doesn’t change the fact that her nephew caused you a lot of anguish. Anguish I don’t want to see repeated. And I think prolonging our contact with that family, whatever the reason, is just asking for more heartache.” I understood his hesitance about putting Clay and me in close proximity. That didn’t change the fact that Clay and Ruby had lost someone they loved and needed as much support as we could give them.
But I understood where my dad was coming from. He had to watch his only child waste away in the middle of a severe depression brought on by a destructive relationship with Ruby’s very sick nephew. I could get why he wanted us to keep our distance.
But that just wasn’t realistic.
“Dad, Clay lives here now. You can’t expect me to avoid him altogether. It takes you all of ten minutes to drive from one side of Davidson to the next,” I teased, trying to lighten the mood.
My dad gave me a look that saw entirely too much. “Look, Maggie May. I won’t tell you to stay away from him. We did that once and it didn’t end very well.” I cringed at assessment.
“I can only hope you’ve learned something from what you went through with that boy. That maybe you’ve figured out what works in your life and what doesn’t.” He watched me closely, and I tried to keep my face neutral.
When I didn’t respond, he sighed again and held out the casserole dish. “Here, run this over to Ruby’s for me. I’ll order the pizza.” He didn’t look at me and I blinked in surprise. Was he serious? He was actually suggesting that I go to Clay’s house?
I slowly took the dish out of his hands and went to grab my purse. My dad was standing at the counter, staring down at the phone book, though I wasn’t sure he was seeing it. I got the sense that he felt he was releasing me into the lion’s den.
Right then I loved him so much. For letting me make my own choices and not trying to control my potential mistakes. And I swore that I wouldn’t let him or Mom down again. That I would do things differently.
How that would pan out, I didn’t know. But my resolve was ironclad.
For the moment.
***
“Maggie! What are you doing here?” Ruby asked, opening the door to me. I tried not to recoil at the sight of the shrunken woman in front of me. Ruby’s shoulders were hunched over, her normally happy face, lined with grief and pain. Her skin held a sallow sheen and her hair was dull and lifeless. She was a shadow of the person she was before and this image of her shocked me to the core.
“Uh…well, my mom made you another one of her casseroles. I thought I’d drop it off.” I held out the foil covered glass dish. Ruby’s smile was a sad caricature and I tried not to grimace.
“She really is such a lovely woman. Tell your mother thank you for me.” She took the dish out of my hands and slightly tugged on my arm. “Do you have a moment for a cup of tea? I would love to spend time with you, sweetheart.”
I looked over my shoulder, looking for Clay’s car. Part of me wanted to see him. Part of me wanted to avoid him. I was in a serious quandary. But Ruby solved my internal debate for me.
Ruby patted my cheek. “He’s not here, love. He won’t be home for a while. So, please come in and spend some time with me.” Damn, she’d seen right through me. I pulled out my cellphone to double check the time. I probably had some time before Dad called out the Calvary. So I followed her into the house.
I hung up my coat and scarf and joined Ruby in the kitchen. I noticed that the tiny bits of Lisa that had been everywhere the last time I was here were slowly disappearing. Peeking into the living room, I noticed that the coffee cup was no longer there, though the slippers remained. In the kitchen, Lisa’s laptop still sat untouched on the table, but the newspaper she had been reading was gone.
Ruby opened up a cabinet and pulled out an ordinary box of Earl Grey tea. I was relieved I wouldn’t have to force down one of her questionable herbal mixtures. We were silent as she put the kettle on and found two mugs and placed them on the counter.
When our tea was steeping, she brought me my cup and set it down in front of me at the kitchen table. She joined me and started dumping sugar and milk into her drink. I wondered how long we would sit there, drinking our tea, without talking. Ruby watched me as I sipped on the hot liquid. She appeared as though she wanted to say something, but was in no rush to do so. It made me a little uncomfortable.
“How’s the shop?” I asked, though I could answer that question myself, having just been there last week. Ruby lifted her shoulders in a tired shrug.
“Fine. Tilly has been running things for me. I’m hoping I’ll feel up to going in next week.” Her voice was soft and she ran her finger around the rim of her cup. “Thank you for helping Clay with the deliveries last week. He mentioned you had come by and unloaded some things. I really appreciate it, Maggie.”
“I didn’t do much, honestly,” I said offhandedly. Ruby put her mug down and covered my hand that lay on the table.
“Thank you all the same.” She let out a soft sigh. “I just haven’t been able to do it. I hate making Clay do so much. I know it’s not fair on him, given how much he’s gone through himself…”her words trailed off and I swallowed thickly.
“I think he’s just happy to help you. He loves you so much, Ruby,” I told her, hating the sound of her guilt heavy in her mouth. This woman was dealing with so much. Ruby’s answering smile was sad.
“I know he does. I know that’s why he’s still here when he should be back in Florida. I should have made him go back. He’s not ready to be here, to deal with all this.” Her voice caught and she covered her mouth with the back of her hand, closing her eyes tightly on the tears that started to drip down her cheeks.
I got up and moved to sit beside her. Wrapping my arm around the smaller woman’s shoulders, I squeezed her tightly. “You know that Clay would never leave you when you needed him,” I said quietly, rubbing her arm soothingly.
Ruby’s body shuddered as she tried to pull herself together. She reached up and held the hand that was wrapped around her arm. “You’re such a good girl, Maggie. Clay and I are so lucky to have you in our lives,” she said sincerely. I tensed a bit.
“I just wish I could do more,” I replied, mostly to myself. Because it was true.
I felt like I wasn’t doing near enough.
“Just don’t waste your life on regrets, Maggie. That’s what you can do.” I pulled back slightly, surprised by the vehemence in Ruby’s tone.
“I know Clay hurt you. He’s a difficult boy. But he loves you. As much as you love him. I see the way you look at each other. And it’s a beautiful thing.” Ruby looked at me and her pale green eyes seared into mine with an intensity that made me take pause.
“Whatever your hesitations, don’t let them get in the way of living your life with the person you love. Lisa and I wasted too much time in the beginning worrying about what everyone else thought.” A quiet sob escaped from Ruby and she bit down on her bottom lip.
She stood up, taking our mugs to the sink. She braced herself on the counter, her head bowed. This was a woman who I wasn’t so sure would be able to come back from losing the love of her life. I think the person who said it’s better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all was full of shit. This much pain wasn’t good for anyone, no matter that it came from something as amazing as the love for another person.
As if reading my thoughts, Ruby turned around to face me. “Promise me, Maggie, to follow your heart and not your head. Our heads have a nasty habit of ruining what can make us happiest. And there are times in our lives when you have to put aside what we think is best and go with what you feel is best.” I could barely breathe. Her advice hitting me right where she meant it to; straight into my beating chest.
“Regret is a bitter bedfellow, Maggie,” she whispered.
The sound of a throat being cleared made me squeak in surprise. Clay stood in the doorway, his form filling the small space. His dark hair hung down over his forehead and ears in loose waves. His dark eyes hooded and concerned. His hands were characteristically jammed in his pockets as he looked between Ruby and me.
My heart constricted tightly at the sight of him. I was full of love and pain and yes…regret. And Ruby was right; it was a horrible waste of emotion.
Light in the Shadows Page 18