by Levine, Nina
Not me, not him, and not the driver that killed Jeremy.
I sagged against the steering wheel as the pain sliced through me.
Again.
It had been nearly a week and the pain was as intense as it had been the day he died. But I knew from experience the pain would never go away. Eventually, I’d numb myself to it, but still, I’d carry it with me to my grave. Jeremy and I were entwined so deeply that some days I hadn’t known where he ended and I began. We’d been a part of each other’s lives since we were ten.
Since Kick brought him home from school and declared him a part of us now.
Shit.
And that was the kicker.
Now I’d lost both of them.
* * *
It took me twice as long to get home from work than usual due to the horrendous traffic. As I pulled into my driveway, I saw my best friend, Maree, sitting on my front step. She hadn’t left me alone since Jeremy’s death, and I was at the point where I needed some space. I loved her dearly but she never knew when to back off.
Sighing, I grabbed my bag from the passenger seat and gave myself a quick onceover in the mirror. Shit, I looked awful. My mascara wasn’t waterproof after all, and I had black streaks running down my face. Add to that, my foundation had worn off in the heat of the day and my long, brunette hair had frizzed in the humidity, and I looked like a woman you would possibly cross the road to avoid.
Maree came towards me as I stepped out of the car. “You look like you need a girl’s night in,” she said, assessing me.
Maree was the kind of woman who never stepped foot outside her house unless she was immaculately presented. Even after a long day at her teaching job, with teenagers harassing her, she still looked good. Makeup still perfect, blonde hair swept up into a ponytail, black dress almost wrinkle free and heels not even affecting her feet. “I hate you, Maree,” I muttered, taking it all in.
She raised a perfect eyebrow. “Why?”
“Because you always look good and it’s not fair,” I answered as I walked past her to the front door of my house.
She followed close behind me. “Evie, have you taken a look in the mirror lately? You could wear a goddamn sack and look hot. Without even doing your hair or makeup. I have to spend hours in front of the mirror to achieve what you wake up with.”
I turned to look at her and frowned. “What I wake up with? Bed head and a puffy face?”
Shaking her head, she said, “No, sex appeal. You can’t fake that shit, and you were lucky to be born with it. Even standing here with your messy hair, non-existent makeup, and fucking mascara all over your face, you still look sexy. Any guy would pick you over me any day.”
She was wrong, but I didn’t have the energy to argue. Besides, I hadn’t been laid in six months so I didn’t know where all these men were who she thought would be interested in me. “I still hate you,” I said, and resumed my journey to the front door. My thoughts had shifted now to how I was going to break it to her that I needed a night off rather than a girl’s night in. Maree wasn’t one to give up easily when she was on a mission. And her mission at the moment was to get me through my grief. What she didn’t seem to understand was that time spent with her wasn’t going to take away my sadness.
As I unlocked the door and entered my house, I could hear her rambling on about her day. Her words drifted in and out as I trudged down my long hall to the kitchen at the back of the house. I caught snippets of ‘those kids will be the death of me’ and ‘it’s only February and I already need a holiday’. But mostly, I was lost in a fog where her words floated in my mind alongside images of Jeremy. Laughing, being a dickhead, dancing…all the fun we’d had over the years had replayed over and over in my mind this week. Like a movie. A movie I couldn’t switch off.
“Evie! Are you listening to me?”
Her shrill tone snapped me back to the moment. “What?”
She dumped her bag on my cluttered kitchen counter, and my attention drifted to the mess. I never let my house go like this, but this week I just couldn’t have given a shit about it, and it showed. Dishes were piled next to the sink, unopened mail lay scattered on the counter, and other junk had accumulated that I didn’t have the energy to sort out.
“Evie!”
I blinked and gave my attention back to her. Pulling out a seat at the kitchen table, I sighed and collapsed onto it. Looking up at her, I said, “Sorry, I’m not with it this afternoon.”
I’m with Jeremy.
I wish I was with Jeremy.
She sat with me, her face full of sympathy and concern. “I know, but you need to get yourself together because the funeral is tomorrow.”
All of the grief and anger I had churning in me spewed out and I was helpless to stop it. “I don’t have to get myself together, Maree. Fuck that. I’ll go to the damn funeral but I’m only doing that for Jeremy, and he wouldn’t have given a shit if I was the crazy lady at the funeral who howled her way through it and let her fucking mascara drip all over the seat. In fact, he’d want me to be the crazy lady. He was always telling me to let myself go and just feel. Well, fuck it, after all this time, I’m not going to give a fuck about appearances. I’m going to feel it all, and if anyone doesn’t like the way I deal, they can go screw themselves.”
Her eyes widened, clearly surprised at my outburst, but she gave me a big smile. “Well, okay then! I’m liking this new Evie.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a packet of facial cleansing wipes. Maree kept a full kit of makeup on her at all times. Passing a wipe to me, she said, “Here, clean off your mascara, babe.”
My face was the least of my worries, but I took it from her and did as she said. “I’ll be okay on my own tonight.”
She frowned. “I don’t want to leave you on your own.”
“Maree, I’m going to get through this. It’ll take some time, but just because I’m a mess doesn’t mean I can’t be on my own.” I paused and then added softly, “I need to be on my own tonight.”
Her lips pursed together. I knew this was going to be a battle. Maree was the kind of person who always needed to be surrounded by people whereas I didn’t. I craved time to myself and felt like I would go crazy when I didn’t get enough of it. “I really don’t think that’s a good idea, Evie. I don’t mind hanging out with you if that’s what you’re worried about.”
My weariness intensified. I just wanted her to go so I could have a shower and then curl up in my bed and wallow in my grief. She wasn’t making it easy for me, though, and even the thought of having to argue with her over it heightened my exhaustion. “No, that’s not what I’m worried about. You know me, and you know I like time to myself. That’s all this is about. I know that you think you know better about what I need, but just because it’s what you would want if you were me doesn’t mean it’s what I want. Can you understand that?”
Hurt flickered across her face but she covered it well and nodded. “Okay,” she whispered and pushed her chair back to stand. Looking down at me, she said, “But if you need me, all you have to do is call.”
As relief filled me that she’d listened, I reached for her hand and squeezed it. “Thank you. You’re a good friend.”
She slung her bag over her shoulder and gave me one last smile. “I’m always here for you, Evie. I just wish I could take away all the bad shit for you.”
I gave her a weak smile and nodded. “I know, babe. I know.”
When the front door closed shut a couple of moments later, I took a deep breath and then pushed it back out. My heart sat heavy in my chest. Over the years, so many people had stomped on it, but this felt the worst.
Maybe it had finally taken one too many beatings.
Maybe the patches I’d given it were no longer enough to hold it together.
Maybe it needed more than bandages to put it back together.
And if that was the case, I was screwed.
Love had packed up and walked out of my life a long time ago.
Chapter T
wo
Kick
“You ready to fuck some assholes up?” King asked me as he passed me a beer.
I took the drink and drank some before asking him, “Who?”
He shifted forward in his seat to speak which was a good thing. Even though it was only eleven in the morning, it was busy in the clubhouse bar and the noise, combined with the deafness in my left ear, made it hard for me to hear what he was saying.
“Someone who fucked with someone I love. And whoever is with him when we get to him.” He took a swig of his beer and sat patiently waiting for my answer.
I didn’t ask him any further questions. I never did. When King had a job for me, I did it without hesitation. Looking at my President now, I thought back to the first day I’d met him. Thirteen years ago. I’d been twenty-two and he’d only been a couple of years older, but, even back then, he’d been a law unto himself. He wasn’t our President at the time, but all the boys knew he’d be the next one.
“You in on this or do you want me to go alone?” I asked.
He grinned his wicked fucking grin that told me he wouldn’t miss this for the world. King was a bloodthirsty motherfucker and liked to be hands-on whenever he could. “I’m in and we do this tonight. Meet me at the clubhouse at midnight.”
I nodded and silently drank more of my beer. Drinking with King was easy. He was a man of few words – one of his best traits as far as I was concerned. I’d never had a problem or disagreement with him, unlike a lot of the club members. He was a hard man and expected a lot, but if you kept your head down and got the shit done he needed you to, then you were all good. King and I were good.
After a couple of silent moments, he said, “Heard you were heading out to a funeral today. Were you close to him?”
Regret punched me in the gut.
Was I close to him?
I should have been fucking closer and that shit was on me, not Jeremy.
It was my fault that, when he’d died, he hadn’t known how fucking sorry I was that we’d spent the last five years not having each other’s backs. “Yeah, brother. We grew up together and he helped me through a lot of shit. But we kinda lost track of each other for a while there. Only just got back in touch three months ago.”
“Fuck,” he muttered. The emotion that momentarily crossed his face was more than I’d seen on it in months. That surprised the hell out of me; the only emotions King tended to exhibit were anger or a manic-like excitement. King wasn’t full of deep emotions. Well, not that I’d ever seen.
“He died in a car accident. Drunk driver took him out.”
“Motherfucker,” he snarled as he abruptly stood up. Looking down at me with a feral look, he said, “You find the cunt that did it, bring that name to me, and I will make fucking sure he never does it again.”
I stared up at him, unsure where his sudden outburst had come from, and simply nodded.
He leant his hand on the table and dipped his head towards mine. “We clear, Kick? I want that fucking name.”
“We’re clear.”
Straightening, he gave me one last hard nod before stalking out of the room. He ran into our
Vice President, Hyde, on the way, and after they had a quick conversation, Hyde made his way to me. I eyed him, uncertain about his mood today, and waited for him to speak so I could gauge where he was at.
With a jerk of his chin, he said, “King says you’re at a funeral for the rest of the day.”
“Yeah. Why? Have you got something you need me to take care of?”
“See, that’s why I fuckin’ like you, Kick. And it’s why you’re mine and King’s go-to-guy when shit needs to be done. Can’t fuckin’ count on anyone the way we can on you.”
“What time do you need me back here?” I asked him.
“Four. That work for you?”
“Yeah, I can do that.”
“Good.” And with that, he turned and left.
I watched him as he barked something at one of the other guys. Jekyll and Hyde. That was our VP. Never could be sure if he would rip your head off or buy you a drink. I’d had a few run-ins with him, but the thing about Hyde was unless you really screwed him over, he didn’t tend to hold onto shit. Unlike King who remembered every little fucking thing done to him and always made sure payback was delivered at some point.
As Hyde exited the room, I emptied my glass and stood. It was time to visit old ghosts.
And old flames.
* * *
“Evie,” I called out as I jogged to catch up to her, the heat of the day causing my shirt to stick to me.
She stopped and turned to face me, her body language clear. She didn’t want to talk to me. Sighing, she murmured, “What do you want, Kick?”
Fuck.
Beauty like I’d seen on no other woman lit her face, even today when I knew she would be struggling with what we’d just sat through. The tiredness I saw on her face was a dead giveaway to her grief, as were her unruly hair and lack of makeup. I’d spent most of the funeral watching her, taking in the changes to her body since I’d last seen her just over a year ago. The curves I’d grown up loving had almost disappeared. The black dress she wore today hung limply off her whereas in the past, it would have hugged the shit out of her. Evie had always had hang-ups about her body but I’d always fucking loved it. The more curves the better as far as I was concerned.
I let my eyes wander over her. Even in her curve-less and exhausted state, she turned me on. I was sure she always would. “Are you okay?” I asked, silently willing her to speak to me rather than pushing me away like I knew she probably wanted to do.
Her mask slipped for a moment and then she quickly put it back in place before saying, “I’ll be fine.”
I took a step closer to her and as she tried to move away from me, I quickly flicked my hand out and caught her wrist, halting her movement. “Don’t do that,” I said, annoyed we were back here, back to a place where she tried to hide herself from me.
“Do what?”
“That thing you do where you shut down and sweep your feelings away as if they don’t matter.” She’d been doing it for as long as I’d known her. Twenty-seven years. “You lost a friend, Evie . . . we lost a friend, and I’m sure as fuck not coping with it so I know you’ve gotta be struggling too.”
She pulled free of my hold. “He’s gone, and we’ve gotta keep going. Simple as that.”
What the fuck?
“You’re fuckin’ kidding me, right?” I asked, my voice hard. Forceful. Demanding. Her words made no sense. Jeremy had been like family to us growing up, and there was no way we just moved on from this. No way she would just move on from this.
“No, I’m not. Funerals are to say goodbye, and I’ve just said goodbye.” Her brown eyes betrayed her, though. She was struggling with this, too.
“That’s bullshit. It’s gonna take us a long time to say goodbye. That shit isn’t covered in a fuckin’ funeral, Evie.”
Those brown eyes of hers flared with what I figured was anger. “How would you know how long it’ll take me? You haven’t seen me in a year, Kick, so you have no idea what’s going on with me anymore. Don’t come back here today thinking you know me, ‘cause you don’t. The day you walked out on me three years ago was the day I changed.” She was angry, and yet her voice held none of the angry passion it had when we were together.
I stepped into her space again and bent my face to hers. “I do know you. I know how you like to handle shit you don’t want to deal with. I know you prefer to shut down and not let your feelings out. And I fuckin’ know you feel every-fuckin’-thing deep, babe. Losing Jeremy would have cut you deep and you can try and hide it from everyone, but you can’t hide shit from me.” I moved my face even closer to hers before I whispered, “I see you, Evie. I’ve always seen you, and I know you’re struggling. Let me in.”
She froze and stared at me in silence for a beat. Then her breathing picked up as the words fell out of her mouth. “Why now, Kick? Why couldn’t you
have just come back for the funeral and left me alone?”
The desperate plea in her voice did not go unheard. It was the same fucking question I was asking myself even as I was asking her to let me in.
Why the fuck now?
I didn’t answer her, and she demanded again, “Why?”
The anger in her tone fired me up. “You weren’t the only one disappointed we ended things three years ago. Did you ever stop to think about that?” I threw my words at her, instantly regretting the harshness of them and wishing like fuck I could scrub them away and start again.
“No, because you were the one who ended it!”
And there was the passion that had been missing before. I fucking loved her passion so even though she was mad at me now, I was on cloud-fucking-nine.
She still loves me.
I couldn’t hide it, I grinned. And that pissed her off even more. Story of my fucking life.
“What the fuck, Kick?” she snapped. We were still in each other’s faces and that fact didn’t elude me. She hadn’t moved away from me.
We can still make this work.
“I didn’t end it, baby. You ended it. Did you forget that?” I said softly.
Confusion flashed across her face and she frowned. I knew her so well it was like I could see her brain flicking through the memories. “I remember we fought and you said you didn’t want me in your world.”
“Yeah, and then you said you were done and we were done. You ended it.”
“No! You did. You didn’t want me!”
Fuck, I’d missed this. Evie arguing with me turned me way the fuck on. Any other woman yelling at me like this would piss me right off, but not Evie. “I didn’t want to bring you into my world. You knew that.”
“Jesus, I was already in your world. I fucking grew up in your world.”
I shook my head. “You know that’s not the world I’m talking about - ”
She cut me off. “I don’t even know why we’re arguing over this! It’s in the past, and it’s done.” Her wild eyes stared at me and her shoulders tensed up. Hell, her whole body was tense, and that made my day.