by Harlow James
My heart feels light again and my smile natural and easy. Nothing like being in the presence of my son to put all the anxiety in perspective. He is the only thing that truly matters.
“That’s awesome, bud. I’m gonna visit with Grandma and Auntie for a minute before we go, okay? Go play with your cousins for a few more minutes.” He dashes out the back door that he ran through when I got here just as Tenley comes from the hallway.
“So, how did it go?”
I brush a hand through my hair and then speak the truth. “The first night was amazing. That new restaurant was incredible. She loved the observatory…”
“Nice,” Tenley grins as she crosses her arms.
“But then Saturday night, I overheard her on the phone with Pfeiffer…”
“Why do I get the feeling my stomach is about to plummet?” Tenley’s face scrunches up as she waits for me to continue.
“She told Pfeiffer that she’s in love with me… that she wants to marry me. That I’m the one for her.” Nausea returns as I repeat the words out loud now.
“Wow. How does that make you feel? By the look on your face, I’m going to say not great.”
“Fuck, Tenley. I care about her, so much. We slept together,” I whisper. “And it was incredible. Fuck, it made me feel alive. But marriage? Going through that all again? I just don’t know…”
“It’s still early, Luke. You don’t have to make that decision right now. But didn’t you kind of think that maybe one day you would remarry?”
“No, not really.” I shake my head.
“No?”
I shift my head back and forth once more. “After Hannah died, I swore I’d never put myself through that again, or someone else for that matter.”
“Why?”
“Because it hurt like hell when I lost her.”
“Oh, Luke. Don’t you think…”
“I don’t know what I fucking think right now! That’s the problem, okay!” My temper flares again as even my sister is taken aback by my reaction.
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry for pushing you.”
“No… fuck!” I drag both hands through my hair this time. “I’m sorry. I just… it’s just a lot to consider right now.”
Tenley reaches out for me, placing her hand on my shoulder. “You don’t have to have all the answers immediately, Luke. Just don’t mess up what you already have established with her while you sort out your feelings.”
“I’m trying not to.”
“I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”
“Yeah.” That’s all I can say, because until you go through it, no one will ever be able to understand the all-consuming guilt that wracks my mind and body every day knowing I’m still in love with my dead wife while I’m falling for a new woman.
When Grayson and I arrive home, I unpack his things and we decide to make grilled chicken legs and baked potatoes for dinner. It’s one of the few meals made of real food that my child actually enjoys. After we kick around a soccer ball out back and he takes a bath, I’m just putting him to bed as Rachel walks through the door.
“Rachel!” Grayson yells, leaping from his bed and running down the hall into her arms the second she sees him coming.
“Grayson! Oh my gosh, I missed you little man! How was your weekend?” She lifts him into her arms and walks him back towards me, both of them so transfixed on each other, all I can do is watch in awe. The woman loves my son and me. What more could I want? Why isn’t that enough to show me this is right? A new wave of guilt hits me as I listen to them catch up while perched in his bed before I’m summoned for a goodnight kiss and hug.
“Sweet dreams, little guy.” Rachel leans down and kisses his forehead as his eyes start to droop.
“Night, Rachel. I love you,” he mumbles, but she and I both heard it, her face flying over to mine so fast as the tears build in her eyes.
“I love you too, Grayson.” She plants one more kiss on his face, lingering for a few seconds, and then steps outside of his room, waiting for me.
When I shut his door, she’s standing there stunned yet elated. “That was incredible.”
“Yeah. I remember when he said it to me for the first time. I held him for an hour after he fell asleep, savoring that feeling.”
“I literally feel like my heart could burst right now,” she says, her palm resting over the center of her chest, tear stains on her cheeks.
“How was your shift?”
“Good. Long. I honestly just couldn’t wait to get home to you and Grayson.” She walks towards me, wrapping her arms around my waist, my dick waking up with her proximity. The woman loves my son, loves me, and feels so right in my arms.
So the problem must be me. Am I never going to be able to open myself up completely to someone else ever again?
“I think we should tell him soon,” she suggests, retrieving the apprehension I just tried to smother.
“I know. I think so too. Maybe after Hannah’s parents leave? They’ll be here next week.”
Her eyes shuffle between mine, like she’s trying to read between the lines. “Okay…”
“Look. It’s not that I don’t want you to meet them and I don’t want to tell Grayson. It’s just… they’re not the easiest people to deal with and seeing Grayson each year always brings up a lot of emotions for them, especially her mom. I don’t want to throw anything else at them while they’re trying to spend time with their grandson, you know?”
Her head slowly rises and falls. “Yeah. That makes sense. But then we’ll tell him… together?” She’s pleading with me using just her eyes, conveying to me how important this is to her. And I know it needs to happen too.
“Yes. Together.”
“Okay.” She smiles wide, pressing her lips to mine before she retreats to the bathroom. “Now, I’m going to go take a shower and after, I’d better see you in my bed, naked and waiting for me.”
Her mischievous grin wakes up my cock again as I fight to submerge that uneasiness once more. Focusing on our connection, I grant myself permission to just be in the moment. Enjoy her, enjoy us, not having to decide about our future right now.
The future is not now, Luke. Carpe Diem. Breathe in your life and celebrate how far you’ve come.
And so I do. For the next week, I spend each day basking in the present—laughing with my son, making love to the beautiful woman that is making me feel alive again, and savoring the sunshine and summer while making memories with the two people who are my family.
Until the night before Hannah’s parents arrive, when I have the nightmare of her accident again for the third time that week. Only this time, it’s not Hannah’s body in the driver’s seat…
It’s Rachel’s.
Chapter 23
Rachel
“Aren’t you happy to finally have that cast off?” Grayson threads his hands haphazardly through the water of his blow up pool in the backyard as I watch him from my lawn chair. The afternoon sun is beating down on us both as the smell of sunscreen flows through the air.
“Yes! But now I have a skinny arm and a fat arm,” he answers before blowing bubbles in the water.
“Do you remember why that is?”
He nods when he rises. “My muscle got weak. So now I gotta work out like Daddy to get big and strong again.” He flexes his muscles like a bodybuilder, his wet blonde hair slapped against his face, making me throw my head back in laughter. When Grayson broke his arm, we watched every video we could about how the body heals a broken bone, answering every question he threw at me.
“That’s right, bud.” Even though I feel dirty for it, the thought of Luke’s muscles enter my mind instantly while I rub my thighs together to dull my need for him.
It’s been a little over a week since our date and Hannah’s parents are due to arrive this evening. Luke has been running around the house like a madman, cleaning and organizing everything. I’ve never witnessed rage cleaning before, but it’s kind of scary. The past few nights I’ve
been trying to help him relax, relying on our physical connection even though I feel like he’s grown distant emotionally. I’m trying to remind myself that this visit is stirring up feelings for him that must be hard to handle, exercising the patience I’ve increased tremendously since we started seeing each other. But at what point do I put my foot down and demand him to talk to me? Shouldn’t he want to talk to me about how this is making him feel? As the person he’s dating, I’m positive we should be talking about it.
But he’s been a steel cage, only discussing items related to Grayson and his work, which starts again on Tuesday after the holiday of Fourth of July on Sunday. Luke is teaching a summer session, so I’m hoping the routine and having Hannah’s parents gone in a few days will help him return to normal.
But hope is a fickle thing. You can believe in it and hold on to it with all of your heart. But you have no control over someone else’s actions, which can devastate that hope in the blink of an eye.
“Are you getting hungry, Grayson?”
“Yeah,” he says before rolling around in circles along the length of the pool that I barely filled up.
“Okay. I’m going to go make us some lunch. Can you keep your head above the water for me while I’m inside?”
“Yup!” He flashes me a smile and a thumbs up as I open the back door but only close the screen so I can still hear him. As I wash my hands at the kitchen sink, I also watch him through the window overlooking the backyard, knowing I can see him from here as well.
“What are you doing?” Luke comes in from the garage as I’m standing at the island, making sandwiches for all of us.
“Making some lunch. You hungry?”
“Yeah, starving.”
“Okay. I’m almost done here.” Slathering some mayonnaise and mustard on two slices of bread, I load up the sandwich with meat, cheese, and veggies before sliding it across the marble to him.
“Thank you. You’re the best,” he says before chomping down on his lunch.
“Are you okay? Everything clean to your level of specification?” I tease, but he doesn’t laugh or smile.
“Yeah. Great.”
“Luke,” I sigh. “I know you’re stressed, but you know you can talk to me, right? I might not understand exactly what you’re going through, but I can listen.” I offer him a soft plea as he moves to stand and walk over to me.
“I know.” He plants a quick kiss on my forehead before walking around me to the fridge. “I’m fine though.”
“Okay, sure.”
Once my plate and Grayson’s are finished, I walk back outside, feeling even more frustrated after his short replies to my attempt to be there for him. There’s nothing more I can do at this point, except wait for him to come to me, I guess. If he ever does.
As we all wait in the living room for the company to arrive, the doorbell rings around four o’clock as Grayson and Luke cautiously move to the door to answer it.
“Oh my gosh, Bill… look at him,” Hannah’s mother croons as Luke unlocks the screen and pushes it open.
“Hi.” Grayson says shyly as Hannah’s parents move inside.
“Bill. Teresa. Nice to see you,” Luke finally speaks, reaching out to shake Bill’s hand and then wrap his arm around Teresa’s shoulder in a side hug.
“Luke. He’s so big.” She smiles with tears in her eyes as she bends down to Grayson’s level. “Do you remember us?”
“Not really,” Grayson answers honestly as we all chuckle.
“We’re your grandparents, your mommy’s mom and dad.”
“This is Grandpa Bill and Grandma Teresa, Grayson. They live in Arizona. Remember, we talked about them coming to visit?”
Grayson just nods. I’ve never seen this little boy so timid before. His mind must be reeling. Then he suddenly speaks. “Wanna see my book about Mommy?”
Teresa looks up at Luke as Bill follows. “Yeah, he has an album my mom and Rachel made for him that’s full of pictures of Hannah. Oh…” He turns to me like he forgot I was here. “This is Rachel, by the way. She’s the uh… the nanny.”
I try to brush off the hurt I feel, even though I didn’t exactly expect him to introduce me as his girlfriend to the parents of his dead wife right off the bat. “Nice to meet you both.” I reach out to shake their hands.
“Likewise.”
“Come on! Wanna see my room?” Grayson pipes up, and suddenly the charismatic boy I’ve grown to love is right back to normal.
Bill and Teresa follow Grayson down the hall as I make my way back in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on dinner. Luke joins them in Grayson’s room as I try to overhear their conversation. But the door is shut, which just makes their words muffled. At least I can find comfort in knowing that Hannah’s parents traveled all this way to see him because a child can never have to many people to love them.
No matter how much I try to stifle it though, this sharp pang of guilt and hurt sits in the center of my chest as I watch the four of them interact and talk. Once they leave Grayson’s room, Bill joins Grayson on the carpet in the living room building Legos as Teresa and Luke watch. Realizing I need something from the garage fridge, I exit the house and retrieve the extra butter. But as I open the door to return, I hear a conversation that makes my heart crack before I fully enter the house again.
“So, Rachel seems lovely.” Teresa looks over at Luke.
“Yeah, she is. I couldn’t rely on my parents anymore, and she’s a friend of a friend. The timing just all sort of fell into place. She’s fantastic with Grayson and he loves her too.”
“And you?”
Luke turns to her with a puzzled look on his face, but I can see his fear through the crack in the door. “What about me?”
“How do you feel about her?”
Luke turns his focus back to his son. “She’s been amazing with my kid and helps around the house. I couldn’t ask for a better person to look after him when I can’t.”
“And that’s all there is?” Teresa is prodding, and that hope builds again as I wait for Luke to admit that he’s happy, even if it is to his ex-mother-in-law.
“She’s a friend. That’s it. I’m not ready to move on, Teresa. I don’t know that I ever will be.”
Like a piece of glass hitting concrete, my heart shatters, the tears rising to the surface as I gently shut myself back in the garage to gain some composure before I go back inside.
Not only did he deny that something was going on between us, which I guess in the circumstances, I can understand not wanting to admit that to the particular person he was talking to. But he spoke words following that denial that truly made me crumble and my stomach drop.
I’m not ready to move on, Teresa. I don’t know that I ever will be.
If he’s not ready, then what the hell have we been doing? I’m not expecting to get married and become a family tomorrow. But why then pursue me and make me fall in love with you?
As tears stream down my face, my blood pressure rises with force, my entire body shaking from the adrenaline running through my limbs. I’m such an idiot. Why didn’t I read the situation for what it is? This man lost his wife and has been honest about how hard it has been to open up to someone else. I’ve tried to be sensitive to that fact, and yet, I felt like he was genuinely interested in me. Was this all a ruse? A way for him to get laid again and then pull away when he realized he didn’t want to move on?
No. Luke doesn’t seem like that type of guy. But I never thought he would straight up deny that he’s even considered moving on now. I’m reeling, every emotion firing off in my brain before I realize I need to go back inside before I burn dinner.
“And this is Iron Spider!” Grayson exclaims from the living room as he shows Bill his superhero Lego collection. I keep my back turned to them as I stir the pasta and flip the chicken parmesan cutlets in the pan, wiping my face on the bottom of my shirt.
“Is dinner almost ready?” Luke calls from the couch.
“Uh, yeah,” I say, trying t
o hide the hurt in my voice and lump in my throat.
“Let’s wash up then.” Everyone stands and makes their way to the bathroom, except for Luke.
“Smells good in here.” He comes up behind me, resting his hands on my hips as he kisses my neck gently. I close my eyes at his touch—not only to savor it but also to stop the tears from falling. Nausea overtakes me the second his lips hit my skin as well, a feeling I’ve never had when Luke touches me.
“Uh, huh.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yup. Fine,” I say, moving out of his hands to drain the pasta, leaving him standing there. But I don’t dare turn around right now to see his face, because if he sees mine, I will never be able to hide my pain. And the last thing I want to do is have a conversation with him with Hannah’s parents here, because it’s not going to be a quick one and I won’t be able to handle the tension.
Bringing the plate to the table, I set it down in the center before announcing my departure. I know I can’t sit here right now, the tears threatening to fall too strong to keep down while we eat.
“I hope you guys enjoy. I just remembered I need to call my mom. I promised I would check in with her before she goes to bed.”
“It’s only six thirty,” Teresa says.
“Ah, yes. But she lives in New York,” I force out on a tight-lipped smile.
“Oh. Alright. Well, thank you for the meal. It smells incredible,” she replies.
“You’re welcome.”
Luke’s inquisitive eyes watch me as I move away. “You’re not hungry?”
Shaking my head, I reach for my purse, preparing to leave even though I know it makes little sense for me to drive away just for a phone call. “No. I’ve lost my appetite.”
Before he can say anything else, I run out the door and sit in my car as the tears fall freely and heartache overtakes me. I manage to brush away enough moisture to drive, so I take off, headed for anywhere in town but here—the only place that felt like home since leaving New York. But I guess all good things always come to an end.
Chapter 24
Luke