by J. L. Beck
A shiver of fear goes down my spine.
He’s so hot and cold. On and off. He gives me whiplash, yet I feel drawn to him, like a moth to a flame. I’ve never met a man like him before, but I want to know more about him, what makes him this way.
“I wasn't,” I lie, knowing I’m not good at it.
A humorless laugh escapes his lips. “You’re a shit liar, Elyse.”
I can tell he’s hurt by my response, and I’m not sure how to deal with it. “I didn’t—I mean…I don’t think you’d do that, but I don’t know you, and I don’t…” I stumble over my words, unsure of how to make this all right. It started with a forced kiss, and now, I’m here in his bed with him.
“If I wanted to fuck someone who was unconscious, I could’ve picked any of the chicks at that party last night. I brought you here because I wanted to protect you—I had to protect you. I didn’t intend on touching you, Elyse...and I wouldn’t have even if you had begged me to,” he grits out.
He’s battling with his own emotions.
His fists are clenched at his sides, his face contorted in anger, his lips almost in a snarl.
Anger terrifies me. It gives me anxiety, but a small part of me knows Hero would never hurt me.
Hesitantly, I lift my hand and rest it against his thigh to reassure him I’m not afraid of him. The air sizzles between us as his eyes move from my hand up to my face. When he lifts his hand, I flinch.
The anger in his eyes intensifies when he sees my reaction. “I’m not a good man—not at all. I’ve done things. Seen things. I’ve killed people.”
The air in my lungs stills, blood pounds in my ears. The need to run is so strong, but I remain kneeling beside him, my body trembling.
“But I will never, ever fucking hurt you, Elyse. Never.”
The conviction in his voice makes me believe him.
God, there has to be something wrong with me for believing him, a man I don’t even know, but I do. “I know.”
The smile Hero gives me is grim. “If you knew, you wouldn’t be trembling or have that look in your eyes that says you’re ready to bolt out the door.”
“This is just all new to me,” I sigh. “This is my first experience out in the real world. The last eighteen years of my life I’ve been under my parents’ thumb, living the life they wanted me to live, cooking, cleaning, never asking questions, and only speaking when spoken to.”
Hero’s gaze goes wide, and he runs a hand through his hair as if it’s a nervous tick.
His dark locks look so soft, I want to reach out and run my own fingers through them.
“What do you mean this is your first experience in the real world? Were you in like a fucking cult or something?”
I think about his response for a second. A cult? I had never heard the word before.
“I don’t know what a cult is, but I can tell you things weren’t fun, and they were never easy.” I cringe, thinking of all the times I got the belt for something one of my siblings had done. Blame was placed on everyone. Yes, we all got food and a bath, but we were never really loved, not like most parents loved their kids, and we were never given a choice. Never.
“That explains a lot…” Hero sighs.
I wrinkle my nose at his response. “What do you mean that explains a lot? Do I have a sign on my forehead or something?” I smile, feeling the tension seep out of the air.
Hero smirks, pushing from the bed.
I stare at his ass as he walks away, my insides turning to mush as I watch his muscles move, my mind thinking of all the different ways I could use my mouth on him. My thoughts shift when he walks out of the room.
As soon as he’s out of sight, I scurry from the bed, find my pants on the floor, and pull them on. I gaze down at the shirt I’m wearing. I suppose I’ll keep it and give it back to him later since I have nothing else to wear.
“What did you mean?” I ask once more as I run into the kitchen.
Hero shrugs, pulling out a carton of orange juice as he leans against the counter. “It doesn’t really mean anything. You just have this innocence about you. You’re sweet and quiet, and it fits your personality.”
I feel slightly insulted at his words. “Well, excuse me for fitting my personality. I couldn’t exactly tell you were a murderer from your personality.”
Hero raises a thick brow. “It’s not like I wanted to be one. I wasn’t born a killer, Elyse.”
I nibble on my bottom lip, feeling guilty for saying something so harsh. “What happened?” I ask, afraid to know, but curious enough to ask.
“I’m not sure you’re ready to hear this,” he states, like he actually has a choice whether he tells me or not.
“All my life, I've been told no. All my life, people have hidden things from me. Don't do that to me, Hero. Don't hide something that made you who you are today.”
“I don't want you to be afraid of me or your perspective of me to change. I’ve done some bad shit. I know those things don’t define me as a person, but meeting you has changed me. Changed my thinking, my wants, needs.” He gives me a dejected look.
I almost feel sorry for even asking, but I want this, this friendship, this relationship, whatever it may be.
I cross the space separating us and place my hand against his bare chest. His skin is warm beneath my palm and smells clean. My eyes take forever to make it up to his face. When I do, I see he’s been watching me the whole time.
Way to go, Elyse.
“I want to know you...like really know you. I’ve never had a friend, except Tasha, and I’ve definitely never had a guy friend.” I smile up at him, praying he tells me a morsel about who he is.
Hero lifts his hand, gripping me by the chin very gently, forcing me to look into his eyes. “I’m not a good man, Elyse. But that doesn’t mean I’ll run you away. It doesn’t mean I’m not selfish enough to take you or want you, because I am. But I won’t tell you I’m good. I don’t want you afraid of me, but there are things I’ve done you will fear. There are things I may do to protect you that will scare you.”
I nod my head as well as I can within his grasp. “I’m sure whatever you did, you had good reason to do it.” I don’t really understand why it matters, what his past has to do with our future.
He glances away briefly, and when his eyes come back to mine, there’s a different look in them, a faraway look, like he’s somewhere else altogether. “I killed a man. A man who abused me and my mother. I killed him, and honestly, I’d do it again if given the chance.”
I blink slowly, digesting every word. He killed a man. A man who abused him. A man who abused his mother. I almost sigh in relief. He’s not a killer because he wants to be… “You were protecting yourself. Protecting your mother,” I announce, like he doesn’t already know that.
He releases his hold on my chin, but continues to look at me, making sure I see and hear every word he says. “I went to prison for it. It changed me. It broke me. It made me cold, cruel, and angry. I’m always angry. Always,” he sighs. “Except with you.”
My heart flips inside my chest. I want to kiss him again.
The sound of a phone ringing pulls me from the trance I’m in and I realize it’s my cellphone going off. I blink and run in the direction of the sound. This is bad, so bad. It could be my parents, or Tasha. “Oh my gosh. I forgot about Tasha,” I mumble, spotting my phone on Hero’s dresser as well as my wallet. Tasha’s name scrolls across the screen, and I damn near sigh in relief. At least it’s not my parents.
I fire off a quick text telling her I’ll be home soon.
“I need to go back to my place,” I yell over my shoulder.
“Perfect. I’ll take you there now.”
I hear his response and frown. My heart’s still beating like crazy inside my chest and I don’t want this moment with him to end. I have questions, so many. Questions for him, for myself. What would my parents think about him?
I nibble on my bottom lip. Nothing good, I know for sure. They would ne
ver, ever approve of someone like Hero. But this knowledge draws me even more to him. He’s everything my parents warned me of, everything they resent in a man, and maybe, that’s exactly why I need him. Why I’m drawn to him.
“Ready?” Hero’s voice vibrates through me, and I look up to see him standing in the doorway. The look on his face tells me he doesn’t want this morning to end either, and that’s enough proof for me to come back again.
Chapter Five
Hero
I walk across the campus square in a shit mood. It’s been nearly a week since I’ve heard from Elyse, and it’s pissing me off. I consider skipping my study session with her, but remember the way she reacted at being late and how she needed the job so badly, she kissed a complete stranger.
The thought makes me smile, how easily she was persuaded into kissing me. It's merely another example of why she needs my protection. Such a precious flower in a venomous world.
I remind myself how I had to cement my feet to the floor so I wouldn’t go to her. I want to see her up close, not just from the dark corners I’ve been hiding in when I follow her to and from classes.
I want to talk to her, not just hear her voice from afar, and I definitely want to kiss her again, but I need to give her a chance to come to me first.
This needs to be her choice. I can’t and won’t push her into this. From the way the week has gone, it’s starting to look like she isn’t as interested in me as I thought she was. Which sucks. Really fucking bad.
I feel the dirty looks people are giving me as I walk across campus. It makes my skin crawl. Grown ass men switch to the other side of the street when they see me coming. Most people are just scared, and I can deal with that. What’s harder is when I see the disgust written clearly on their faces.
I can’t help but wonder what kind of looks people would give me if Elyse were walking beside me.
Would they judge her too?
I catch a glimpse of a familiar pair of eyes. I’ve only seen them briefly, and it takes me a moment to place them. It’s Elyse’s friend, I realize. The one from the party.
She obviously knows who I am, judging by the death stare I’m receiving right now. She glares at me like a lioness about to pounce, and for a minute, I really do think she will attack. She looks nothing like Elyse. There’s no kindness in her features. In fact, she looks as if she’s better than everyone else.
She flips her blonde hair over her shoulder as she pretends to be listening to something the guy next to her is saying, but I’m not stupid. Her eyes stay trained on me until I make it all the way up the library steps, the heat of her gaze telling me she doesn’t approve of my kind.
I ignore everyone and everything as I shove my hands into the pockets of my jeans and walk in the direction of the study session rooms.
Fuck. I don’t want to be here right now. I shouldn’t be here right now.
When I get into the room, Elyse is already sitting at the table, her book open, her notes set out before her.
She looks up at me, her eyes full of dread. She shifts nervously in her chair when I take the seat next to hers. The tension is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. Questions rest against the tip of my tongue.
Why didn’t she text me? Call me? Come over again? I clench my jaw to keep my mouth shut. She doesn’t deserve my shitty attitude, even if she is the cause of it. Maybe she made her choice already. Maybe she decided she didn’t want to hear from me anymore or want anything to do with me.
“I got some information about the areas you’re struggling in,” Elyse nearly whispers, her eyes back on the book in front of her.
My face deadpans, like there isn't anything else better we could be doing or saying. “Is that so?” I say through gritted teeth.
She seems taken aback by the anger in my voice.
What the hell was she expecting?
“Why are you mad at me? You’re the one who made a bunch of empty promises, then just forgot about me.” Her kissable lips are pulled taunt, and the crease in her forehead tells me she is frustrated.
“Forgot about you?” I sneer, unclenching my fists, only to clench them again.
How can she think I forgot about her when my every thought is about her? I wake up, I see her face. I close my eyes, I see her face. I’m fucking obsessed with her, with the need to protect her, be with her, inside her, beside her—it doesn’t really fucking matter so long as she’s there.
I’m scared shitless, and nothing scares me…except the small, five-foot-two girl in front of me and the power she has over me.
“I waited for you to come to me. To call me? I don’t have your number,” she whispers. “I don’t know how any of this works, okay? I told you this is all new for me.”
Her bottom lip trembles, and I feel like an even bigger asshole than I know I am.
She told me about her past. Maybe I shouldn't have assumed she knew I was giving her a choice in all this.
“You just left me.”
Her words break my black heart in two. “I didn’t leave you. I was with you all week.” I grin at her. “You just didn’t see me.”
For the first time since I got here, a small smile tugs on her lips.
I can’t take my eyes off her face. “I need you to tell me this is what you want. That I am what you want. I thought I could wait. I thought I could let you choose, but it’s obvious that isn’t going to happen given the circumstances right now.” I shift in my seat and gaze deeply into her eyes, making sure she gets every single word I’m telling her. “I need you to understand that once you tell me, there is no going back. If you want this. Us. I will never let you go again. You’ll be mine forever.”
She pauses for just a moment, her eyes never wavering from mine.
I wait intently for her answer, knowing even if she says no, I can’t let her go, not really.
“I want you. I want us.”
I can tell the exact moment my heart stops beating for myself and starts beating for her. Only her. There’s a shift in the air, a tingle of excitement and a trickle of fear. As soon as her words reach my brain and my body starts working again, I lean into her face and press her lips to mine.
She moans into my mouth, and I have half the mind to pick her up and fuck her right here on the table. When her arms snake around my neck, pulling me closer, I almost do just that. I pull away just an inch to prevent me from doing anything I know I’ll most likely regret later. “Let’s go home,” I say, getting up from my chair and tugging her with me.
“I-I can’t go. I-I need this job, remember? I have other students and things to pay for and…” The proverbial reasons spill from her mouth so fast, my head spins.
“Don’t worry about money. You don’t need this job. All you need to know is I’ll take care of you. No matter what, I’ll be there for you.”
I see the worry creep into her features. She doesn’t believe me, and I understand why, but that doesn’t make it any harder of a pill for me to swallow.
“I can’t let you do that, Hero. I need to give Tasha half the rent every month. I need to pay for books and food. I appreciate you want to take care of me, but I left my home so I could prove I can take care of myself.”
“I know you can take care of yourself. You don’t have to prove that. Not to me or anyone else.” I just want her with me so fucking much. I want to spend every minute of the day with her. “Move in with me,” I blurt out.
“I don’t know.” She’s visibly flustered.
I decide I better not push her any farther right now. Reeling in my need for her, I slump back into the chair, trying not to show my utter disappointment. I know I’m being a little unreasonable, but I need her to understand she belongs to me and I will do anything for her.
“How about this? You keep living with your friend in the dorm, but you will quit this job and start working as my personal tutor. Which, of course, will earn you a pay raise. I’ll pay you top dollar,” I snicker. “And know, if you ever change your mind on wanting to move
in with me, say the word and I’ll help you pack myself.”
A wide smile spreads across her face, and I know she’s going to say yes before she even opens her mouth. “Okay.”
Chapter Six
Elyse
After our tutoring session, Hero insists on walking me back to the dorm. I would be lying if I said I didn’t like the idea of him taking care of me since it would take a lot of the stress off me so I’ll be able to concentrate more on my own studies.
Ironically, my parents believe men should take care of the women in their life anyway, but I highly doubt they had Hero picked out as a future husband. In fact, I know he’s the exact opposite of what they would find acceptable.
I let the thoughts go, and together, we walk up the stairs leading to my dorm room. A part of me wonders if I should invite him into my room. All we’ve ever done is kiss and some light petting, maybe he’s expecting more from me?
I told him I want this, whatever it is, to be his, does that mean—
Three steps before we reach the top of the stairs, my knees lock up, propelling me forward. My heart races inside my chest, and I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack. My arms fly up instinctively to brace myself from falling, but Hero’s quick reflexes protect me. With one strong arm wrapped around me, he pulls me straight up on my feet and into his side.
“Are you okay?” Hero asks, searching my face for a response.
“I…” One single vowel is all I can get past the golf ball sized lump in my throat. My eyes never waver from the two figures standing in front on my dorm room door, their judgmental eyes staring me down like they’re about to drag me away by my hair and lock me up in the church basement.
I can’t breathe. My hands feel clammy, and my body is reacting in a way it never has before. There’s fear, but there’s something else beneath that.