by J. L. Beck
My thighs quiver as I grab the hem of his shirt and pull it up, urging him to take it off. He pulls it over his head with a grin, and as soon as it’s gone, my hands on are on him, feeling every ridge and dip of his muscles.
Suddenly he is off me, lifting his chest so he can take my shirt off. His hands freeze just as he grabs the hem of my shirt.
“What did you say?” He asks me out of nowhere, while giving me an odd expression.
“I didn't say anything,” I say breathlessly and confused.
“Why would you fucking say that?” Everything changes in a blink of an eye. Roman goes from calm and loving to wild and angry without a single explanation and I’m confused, more than confused. What’s going on? Had I said something without remembering it? I blink, trying to think, to figure out what is going on.
“Roman…I swear I didn’t say anything,” I plea, but that seems to only make him angrier.
“I fucking heard you! Why are you laughing? Do you think it’s funny?” He seethes, his entire body vibrating.
For the first time since I’ve met Roman, I am truly afraid of him. My whole body is trembling, and my heart is racing so fast I think it might burst out of my chest at any minute. His eyes are wild, unhuman like. It’s like I’m looking at a different person and all I can think of is to get away from him. My body’s only instinct is to get away, as far away as possible.
He is looming over me, a man who is not only twice my size but one I’ve witnessed kill fully grown men with nothing more than his hands.
“Please…Roman…” I beg him, looking straight into his eyes but it’s like he doesn’t see me, or he sees something else. Then his gaze suddenly catches something in the corner of the room. Whatever he thinks he’s seeing distracts him long enough for me to slide all way up to the headboard and roll off the bed on the other side.
By the time his gaze swings back to me I’m already across the room, running out the door as fast as my legs will carry me. I hear him following me down the hallway, his body slamming into the wall, as he moves throughout the house. He’s disoriented and his deep growls tell me he’s growing frustrated. I make it to the living room and sigh in relief when I find his phone is still sitting on top of the liquor cabinet where he left it last.
I grab the phone and run to the closest guest bathroom, locking myself inside. I don’t turn the light on, hoping he doesn't know that I’m hiding in here right away. I sit down on the floor, knowing that if I don’t my legs will give out on me and I’ll fall to the floor on my ass. I unlock the phone and find Ivan’s name in the contacts. I hit the green call button and hold the phone to my ear. It only rings three time but I swear the time in-between each ring is unusually long.
“Roman?” Ivan’s voice filters through the phone.
“Ivan, there is something wrong with Roman,” I say, my voice coming out rushed and shaky. “He took something. He's not being himself and he's scaring me. I’m hiding in the guest bathroom, but I'm worried he'll find me.”
“I’m on my way. Just keep yourself hidden. I’ll be there as fast as I can.” The phone goes dead, and I’m left alone in the dark, hoping Ivan gets here before Roman finds me.
For a few minutes I’m left in the darkness with nothing to listen to beside my ragged breathing and my racing heartbeat. Then I hear him. Roman’s voice booming through the hallway.
“Sophie! Where the fuck are you?” He sounds so angry and I have no idea why. What did he think I said? What did he hear that made him so angry? I pull my knees up to my chest and hug them tightly, trying to make myself small...or better yet invisible.
Memories of my father looking for me invades my mind. I was hiding that day too. He still found me though...he found me, and he beat me. A sob escapes my lips and my hands fly to my mouth, covering it tightly.
“Sophie!” He yells again, and this time he sounds closer. I’m so scared, but more so I’m angry...so angry that I let this happen again. I trusted someone close to me and they betrayed me.
I’m my own worst enemy. Why did I feel so safe with him? What a cruel trick the universe has played on me.
I should've listened to him…he warned me and still, I trusted him. I gave him my heart. In the back of my mind I always knew that my parents didn't love me like they should.
Even if I didn't want to admit it. I always felt that there was something off. I never felt loved...not completely. Not like my younger sister was loved. But Roman? I trusted him, I thought he loved me like I loved him. I felt so safe with him. How could I be so blind?
There must be something wrong with me. That’s why no one loves me.
“Sophie?” Roman’s voice breaks the silence. He's right on the other side of the door, within arm’s reach, but I can't save him...I can’t. My heart sinks into my stomach when the door knob rattles, but the door doesn't open.
“Open the fucking door or I’ll kick it in. I know he is in there with you!” His accusation is not rational, nor one I understand.
What?
“No one is in here with me Roman,” I try to convince him, but he can’t be reasoned with right now.
“I know he is in there, open the door so I can kill him. Did he touch you? Did you let him? I’m going to fucking kill him?”
“Roman, you’re scaring me. Please stop,” I whimper just before a loud bang makes me jump. The walls vibrating around me as Roman tries to kick in the door. Luckily this door is much sturdier than the flimsy dressing room door. Bang. Another kick and I’m shaking so hard that my teeth rattle together.
On the third bang the door flies open and Roman’s large frame fills the doorway. My heart stops when he takes a step into the small room. I look up at him, but I can’t see him. It’s a different person towering over me. A dangerous person…someone who is going to hurt me.
“Where is he?” His eyes move around the room like he's searching for something, and then he leans down and grabs me, his fingers digging into my arms painfully. A scream rips from my throat, fear consuming every inch of my body as he smashes me against his hard chest.
“Did he touch you? Where is he Sophie?”
He crushes me to his chest and for a moment I just let him...I lean into his chest and pretend that everything's okay...pretend that Roman is still everything I thought he was, my protector, my savior and my lover. I sob into his flesh as he holds me to him with a possessiveness that is both frightening, and loving. Then the moment passes and Roman’s pushing me away, holding me out at arm’s length. The warmth of his body leaves me, and I feel cold all over, down to the tips of my toes.
“Are you hiding him? Are you lying to me?” His hands wrap around my arms like iron shackles and before I can respond he starts shaking me. “Don’t fucking lie to me! Don’t you dare try and protect that bastard.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, just waiting for this nightmare to be over, when suddenly my back hits the wall, knocking all the air from my lungs. I feel the force of the blow in every bone in my body, but it’s not the pain of him slamming me against the wall that hurts most.
It’s the pain inside my bleeding heart. Then as if he was never there at all he’s gone. The spots where his fingers had dug into my skin are still tingling when I force my eyes open.
Roman is on the floor in the hallway now, his face pushed into the floor, while Ivan has his knee pressed between his shoulder blades, holding him in place. And even after everything, my first thought is to tell Ivan not to hurt him.
“Go outside and lock yourself in my car,” Ivan orders without so much as looking at me, but I can’t make my body move.
“Don’t hurt him please,” I whisper wanting to intervene.
“Are you serious right now?” He looks up at me as if I’ve lost my mind…and maybe I have.
I shake my head and shrug. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just don’t want him hurt. He didn’t mean to do this. Roman wouldn’t ever actually hurt me.”
“But he did Sophie, so go and get in the car, oka
y?” I don't know if it’s because Roman hears his brother’s voice or if it’s because he is pinned down to the floor, but he actually seems a whole lot calmer now. My limbs decide it’s time to move again and I slowly step out of the bathroom, past Ivan and Roman, and down the hall toward the front door.
I do as Ivan asks and lock myself in his car. A short while later a second car pulls up beside me and I watch as Mac and Devin get out and walk into the house. Ivan walks out moments later unlocking the car with his key before he opens the driver side door and slides into the seat.
“I’m going to take you to my place. You can stay with us as long as you want. I won’t ever make you come back here again.”
“I love him…” I confess to Ivan, because what else is there to say? How else could I explain to him why I don’t want to see him hurt...why I don't want Ivan to tell me that I don’t have to see him again. Even though it shouldn't be, loving him is the only thing that still makes sense.
And I’m not going to give up on him even after all of this…
Chapter Eleven
Roman
It’s been two weeks since the worst day of my life happened, and still, the images haunt me as if they occurred yesterday. Every time I close my eyes, I hear the sound of Sophie crying, begging me to stop. Her trembling voice told me she was scared…scared of me, that image of her, looking up at me, fear in her beautiful blue eyes, will forever be embedded in my mind.
I’m not trying to forget any of it, though. The opposite, in fact. I force myself to relive that day. Everything I remember, I let it replay in my mind. I let the pain of what I did hit me over and over again, like waves crashing against the beach. It’s what I deserve.
I haven't seen Sophie since that day, and I’m not sure I’ll ever see her again. I know there is no way she can possibly want to see me, let alone still be with me, not after what I did…after the way I treated her. There is nothing in this world that I could do to make up for my actions. No apology, no words, no actions. I can never take back that day or the things I did.
And still my heart yearns for her. I want to hold her in my arms, tell her how much I love her, and tell her how sorry I am for choosing those stupid fucking pills over her.
“You need to eat something.” Mac appears out of nowhere next to my bed holding out a plate of food to me as if he expects me to eat it.
“Come on man, you’ve been cooped up in your room for two weeks now. You need to eat something, get some fresh air and for fuck sakes take a shower. This whole fucking room stinks.”
I shrug, I don't really care, not anymore. “If I eat and take a shower will you leave me be? Just go home and don’t worry about me.”
“Sorry, no can do. First of all, you’re my best friend and I kinda like you, but also Ivan would kill me if I let you out of my sight and no offense but I value my life too much to step on your brother’s toes.”
I roll my eyes. “I guess then I have no reason to eat or shower.”
Mac frowns. “Look everyone knows you didn’t mean to hurt her…”
I cut him off. “I don’t want your pity. I don’t want anyone’s pity. If you’re going to feel sorry for someone let it be Sophie. She had to endure the events of that day after already having been beat by people that were supposed to love her. I’m no better than those bastards.”
I feel sick to my stomach every second of the day. I can’t imagine what Sophie is going through. I can’t believe I was so fucking stupid, that I gave her up for a little high.
“Nobody pities you. I’m just telling you that you don’t have to act like you’re a fucking criminal who beats women. You fucked up, and you’ve learned from it. You can’t go back...all you can do is go forward.”
“And maybe that’s my problem Mac...maybe all I want is to go back.”
Mac sighs loudly as I turn away from him.
“Unless there is something else you want to say, I suggest you leave.”
“Matter of fact there is…I canceled the fight for this weekend.”
“Fuck no!” I’m off the bed in a second. “I’m fighting.”
“Roman, you are in no shape to go into that ring.”
“And who the fuck are you to decide that?”
“I’m your friend...one that doesn't want to see you get killed because your head isn’t in the right place.”
“See that’s where you’re wrong. This is the clearest my head has been in years.” Matter of fact I don’t even remember the last time my mind was this clear. I haven't even taken as much as a Tylenol in two weeks, even though I had the headache of a lifetime after that fucking acid trip. I’ll never put shit into my body that doesn’t belong there.
I grab the stupid sandwich off the plate and eat it in three large bites before I head to the shower. “I ate your fucking sandwich now I’m going to take a shower, then go to the gym to prepare for the fight this weekend. I’ve already lost too much by being fucking stupid. I’m not going to lose fighting too.”
“You’re beyond fucking stupid…so stupid you’re probably going to get yourself killed!” Mac yells at me as I slam the door in his face.
So what if I get myself killed.
Maybe the world would be a better place if I was gone.
Maybe she’d be safer if I never existed.
***
This will be the first fight since Sophie started living with me that she’s not here to watch. I didn’t realize how much I needed her support until I didn’t have it anymore.
It cripples me beyond disbelief to know I hurt her, that I lost her over something as stupid as an addiction to something I never should’ve started taking in the first place. I didn’t need those pills—not like I need her. It was all in my head, the idea that I needed something to make me stronger.
I slide into the passenger seat of the Tahoe, holding my head in my hands. My stomach is churning and for the first time in forever I’m nervous about the fight.
“How you feeling?” Mac asks as he slides into the driver’s seat. Dev gets in the back seat and slams the door closed behind him.
“Like shit,” I announce. I thought following through with this fight would make me feel better. I thought it would be something that I would want, but now that we’re on our way there I don’t even care about going anymore.
“Well you’d better get your ass in gear. You’ve never lost a fight, and you can’t start tonight.” He was right I couldn’t lose tonight, not if I valued my life, but the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if life was worth living without Sophie.
I didn’t deserve her, now more than ever, but that didn’t make my heart stop beating for her. It didn’t make my body stop craving her touch. My world started and ended with that girl and I had gone and fucked it up for a little bit of a high.
“Hey, just relax, and focus on the fight.” Dev slaps a hand on my shoulder, but I don’t even feel it. Not really. I’m too caught up inside my head. Too caught up in my own wrong doings.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I know who it is before I even look at the screen. I pull the damn thing from my pocket and stare that screen for a long second.
I press the green answer key and start speaking before he does. “I told you to stop calling me.”
“Where the fuck are you? I told you not to go to that fight!” He speaks to me like he’s my father instead of my brother.
“Sorry, Dad. I’ll remember to ask you next time. Oh wait, I’m an adult. You can’t make decisions for me. You can’t fucking save me.”
“I’m asking you as your brother, please don’t go to this fight, Roman. You are in no shape to fight today. You’ve hardly eaten, you’ve barely left your bedroom in the last two weeks. When was the last time you even worked out? Did you train at all for this fight?”
My jaw grinds, my teeth clenched painfully together. Fucking Mac and his constant reporting of my depressive state to my brother.
“It’s none of your concern. It doesn’t matter if I die.
I have nothing to live for anyway,” I don’t wait for what he has to say next. I just hang up and power down my phone.
“Don’t say shit like that, Roman,” Mac yells at me from the driver’s seat. “You have plenty to live for and you better not forget it when you are in that ring…tonight. Tell me you are going to win right now or I’ll turn the car around and drive your ass home.”
“I’m going to win this fight…” My words are empty, but Mac doesn’t need to know that. I have no idea if I will and neither do I care. I just want this day to be over with. I’m either going to die tonight or I’m going to kill someone, go home, and drown in my sorrows.
When we arrive at the warehouse, I jump out of the car before Dev and Mac change their minds and drag my ass back home. I walk downstairs into the locker room with the guys flanking me as the do every fight, only today is not like every other fight, because for the first time I don't care if I win or lose. Nothing matters anymore, nothing.
Time flies while we are waiting for the main event to be called. When it does, I get up and walk out into the crowd without a word. Most people just step out of my way, some idiots slap me on the back and wish me good luck. One chick tries to kiss me on the cheek, but I turn away from her before she can get her lips close enough.
I know that it’s loud in here, people yelling, making their final bets, cheering me on...Usually I would revel in this, soak it up while I can. But today all the noise around me that reaches my ears is nothing more than a low annoying buzzing sound. I can’t make out a single word anyone is saying. It’s as if someone just turned down the volume.
I get into my corner of the ring and look at the guy across from me. He is about my height, but he has a good twenty pounds on me in weight. That means two things. He is probably slower than me, but if he knows how to throw a punch right, he can put more weight behind it. I guess we’ll find out here in a minute.