by Bella Emy
“Can I please have my laptop back? I need the number for the airlines.”
She continues looking at me like she’s ready to slap me. “Why do you need to call the airlines? Your flight is set for Friday.”
I swallow thickly. Leaving because of Kalen also means leaving Erin and our time together here. Once I go back home, I don’t know when I’ll see her again. And now that I have to figure out what I’m going to do since my lounge is pretty much gone, I have no idea what the future holds. I don’t want to go back to doing what I was before I came out here. Mr. Elmers said I’d always be welcome back, but I really had my heart set on opening my own lounge. The reality that it’s not going to happen is hitting me hard.
“Lexi?” she urges. She wants some kind of answer and I know I need to give her one. As much as I don’t want to, I know I need to let her know what happened with Kalen.
Or what almost happened.
Come to think of it, nothing really happened, and as usual, my mind got the best of me and started thinking of the past. Dammit, why am I like this?
I take a deep breath. “I need to change my flight to tonight. They have one leaving at nine.”
Yeah, I know. Not a real explanation, but at least it’s a start.
“And why do you need to change your flight to tonight? You want to give me a little more detail than that, please?” She closes the lid of the laptop and places it to the side. Then she turns her body so that she’s facing me.
I shrug and frown. “I need to go back home. I can’t stay here any longer. The memories from the past constantly haunt me. I don’t know how to deal with them.”
She takes a deep breath and scoots closer to me. “Come here, girl,” she says, draping an arm over my shoulder as I move closer to her.
My head leans on her shoulder, and then, the waterworks. Without even a warning, unbridled tears spill over onto my cheeks and I start bawling. I didn’t even realize or feel my eyes start watering. It just happened without warning.
Kind of like my feelings for Kalen this past week.
Everything I felt for him so long ago, I’m feeling once more.
I never got over him. I was just hiding how I felt from him. From my friends.
From myself.
“Lexi, shhhh, shhhh. It’ll be okay.” She rocks me back and forth, holding me tightly to her.
I never needed my best friend more than I do now. And Erin has always been there for me. Even if we’ve been miles apart for years.
“Erin, I don’t know how to do this… I don’t know how to deal with things happening now with Kalen… or whatever was happening because now I blew it. His face as I asked him to bring me back here, letting him know I couldn’t do this with him… it was enough to break my heart all over again. I’m terrible... I’m horrible… I’m a mons—”
“No! Stop! Lexi, you’re none of those things. You dealt with everything the best way you knew how. And because of how much you cared for Kalen, it hurt so bad when things between you two ended. Now of course you’re scared. Of course the memories of the past will come crashing back to the front of your mind. You don’t want to go through the pain all over again. You don’t want to start something with him again, and that’s normal. Who can blame you for that?”
I swallow hard and wipe at my eyes. “He can.”
She pulls away from me so that she can see my face. “Why? You didn’t give him any idea that you were ready for something with him again. You didn’t lead him on, so why would he blame you?”
I shrug yet again. “Because I did.”
Her eyes light up and her mouth takes on the shape of an O. “OMG! Lexi, you kissed him?!” She’s trying to hide the smile that I already see forming there.
I look down at the ground before us. “Yes, and…” I meet her gaze once more.
“And…” she says, leaning forward.
I look away yet again. “And, I may have slept with him…” I rise up from where I’m sitting and walk toward the window.
“Wait a minute! Wait a second! What?!” Erin gets up and comes within two feet of me, waiting for me to continue or to explain further.
And I know I have to because there is so much she still doesn’t know.
“Yeah, well, we may have almost kissed at an old ice cream parlor he was showing me but were interrupted by a couple of kids crashing there, and then we may have kissed on a Ferris wheel near Starfish by the Sea, which may have led us back to his boat, and we may have kissed again once we got there as the rain came down all around us, which we then may have made out in the lower deck on his bed, which may have ended up with us making love over and over again last night… may have.”
I study her gaze as she’s taking this all in, and it’s like she’s hearing the most epic news in the world. Something tells me she’s enjoying this more than she should be. Finally, she lets out a gasp. “OMG! Girl, are you kidding me?!”
I shake my head. “I said may have…”
Now she’s chuckling. “Right… may have… Just like you may have had the best orgasms of your life, judging by the way you were just turning red as you went through those moments from last night in your head. But, oh yeah, you may have…”
I bite the inside of my cheek and shrug.
She nudges me on the arm. “May have my ass! Girl, details!”
I roll my eyes playfully. “It was amazing. I haven’t felt the way he made me feel in, well, probably ever. It was complete bliss. The way he kissed me… the way he tasted… the way he held me in his arms after we were done and I felt so safe…” I close my eyes, reliving the memories from just hours before.
“So what happened? If everything was so good, what made you think of the past and made you run off?”
I open my eyes once more and see her waiting for me to tell her the rest.
I frown. “I don’t know. I woke up and something just felt off. I didn’t feel right. I felt like I did the wrong thing. Something inside of me told me to get up and rip myself from his embrace and head up to the upper deck. Once I did, I leaned over the banister and looked out into the sea, and that’s when everything came back to me once more.”
She studies my face again and searches my eyes. “And Kalen? Where was he? Still asleep?”
I nod. “He was when I woke up, but then he got up and found me. And that’s when everything spilled.”
“Everything?”
I nod again. “Yes. I told him how I felt and how I couldn’t do this with him. And I asked him why he left, why things ended for us long ago.”
She raises her eyebrows. “And what did he say?”
I shrug. “He said he didn’t want them to. He didn’t want to leave me, that it was the last thing he wanted to do. He loved me, and he didn’t want to hurt me.”
She nods, understanding. “And then?”
A small smile forms on my face, but the last thing I am right now is happy. I’m smiling because of her eagerness to hear about what happened. “So then I asked him if that was the case, why did he do it. If he loved me as he claimed, why did he leave me.”
“And he said…”
“He said I wouldn’t like his answer, but he would give it to me anyway, if I was ready.”
“And you told him you were ready, right?”
I nod, taking a deep breath. “Yes, that’s what led me here. Because once I asked him to tell me and let him know I was ready, he told me the reason.”
Her eyes open wider. “And that reason was…”
I shake my head, still unwilling to believe his excuse. “My mother.”
Erin’s eyes narrow. “Your mother?”
“Yep, he had the nerve to tell me it was all my mother’s fault.”
“He said that?”
I lift my hands in front of me and hold them out for her, shrugging. “In so many words….”
Erin scratches her head. “Huh?”
“The day he came over for brunch when my mom invited him, he said she told him to leave me alone,
basically to break up with me because she knew he’d amount to nothing.”
Her eyes widen and a tiny smile sits on her face, knowing the truth. “Well, she was wrong about that.”
I let out a small laugh. “Completely. He said she called him a worthless piece of scum, but I don’t know. Do you think any of it is true?”
She shakes her head, and from the look on her face, it seems as though she’s not sure what to think. “I don’t see why he would lie about that, at least, why would he bring her into it now? He knows she’s gone, and her death was hard on you for a long time. That would just be cruel… and Kalen’s not cruel.”
She’s right about that. He’s anything but cruel. He’s very kind and generous.
And warm. And wonderful. And he’s completely amazing.
But still, he’s not the person who I thought he was so long ago before the truth came out. He was no good for me. No good at all.
I lean forward. “Yeah, but why would she do that if she knew how much I cared about him?”
Erin shrugs and, after a few moments says, “I don’t know.”
Not knowing what more to say, I walk back over to the bed, take a seat and pull my laptop back onto my lap, opening it.
“So, that’s it, huh?” Erin’s voice makes my head snap up to meet her gaze.
“I’m sorry, Erin. I have to go. I have to get back home and try to figure out what the hell I’m going to do with the rest of my life. Now that my lounge is gone and I’ve quit my job, I need to see about getting everything together. It’s all a damn mess right now, and Kalen just threw a wrench in the mix. It was already a damn near disaster. But now? Forget about it. Plus, I need to get as far away from here as I possibly can, you know?”
She takes a seat at the opposite end of the bed. “I get it, Lexi. I get how you’re feeling about everything, really I do. But don’t you think it’s time to let go and put the past behind you?”
Her words are like a slap in the face. I can’t believe what she’s saying. It stings that she feels like this, like I should just let everything go. “What? What do you mean? The past? This is all new to me.”
“The truth about why he left is all new to you, but all this is something that happened so long ago. And from what I’m seeing and what you’re telling me, Kalen is trying. If he weren’t, I don’t think he’d go out of his way so much to keep pursuing you after you pushed him away so many times in the past two weeks. Guys don’t keep chasing after a girl if she shows no interest, and at first, you didn’t. Remember?”
I nod. “Yeah, but what does that—”
“It has everything to do with everything, and I’m sorry to say this Lexi, but you’re running away because you’re scared. You’re scared and you don’t want to hurt again. I get that. I know it. But you can’t give up on something because of fear.”
I frown. I am so scared, she’s absolutely right about that. Tears begin to well up in the corners of my eyes. “Yeah, I am scared and I have every right—”
“Yeah, you have a right to be scared because of what happened before. Of course you do. But you shouldn’t run away. You need to face your fears. Especially if these fears will lead you to your happiness.”
My happiness? How can she possibly know that? She doesn’t… okay, fine. Maybe she does know what would make me happy because she’s my best friend and I’ve always told her everything about everything.
But now? And this? I don’t know.
The tears now spill over onto my face. There is no more holding them back.
“Lexi, please listen and hear me out. I just want the best for you. You deserve to be happy, and I know Kalen would do that. He would make you so damn happy.” I watch her take small steps up to me, but she stops when I pick up my cell phone and begin to dial. “Wait, what are you doing?”
As the customer service representative comes on the line, I let my eyes fall back to the screen before me. “Hi, yes, my name is Alexa Alderidge, and I need to change my flight, please.” I then let my eyes find her once more and I see her reaching for the door.
As she places her hand on the knob and opens the door, she says, “You’re making a huge mistake, Lexi. I hope you’re ready for it,” and then she closes it behind her.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Gone. Vanished. Burnt. To the ground.
My dreams are all gone. I’m standing right outside of what would have been my lounge. It probably wasn’t a wise idea to come here alone upon the plane touching down, but how could I not stop by and see the wreckage firsthand?
“Yes, we received the claim a couple of days ago,” the insurance lady finally responds moments later.
I tilt my head toward the sky and shut my eyes. This is going to take forever, and I just don’t have the luxury of waiting. I have bills to pay, and now, a damn disaster to clean up. I open my eyes and look at the burnt devastation in front of me. “Well, do you know how long that will take to process? I’m kind of depending on the payment.”
She takes a breath, obviously annoyed. Sorry, I’m disturbing your morning, lady.
“You should see a settlement in about ninety to one hundred and twenty days.”
Is she serious right now?
“Will that be all, Mrs. Alderidge?”
Do I correct her and tell her Ms? I’m not married… not even close to it.
Frowning, I respond. “Yeah, yeah. That’s all.”
“Great! Well, if there’s nothing more, you have yourself a lovely day. Thank you for choosing United Incorporated. Take care, Mrs. Alderidge.”
“It’s Ms! Ms! God! UGH!” I shout into the phone, but the lady has already hung up since the words left her mouth.
I tuck my phone back into my pocket like a madwoman. This can’t be happening to me.
“Real shame what happened here,” a male voice from behind me says.
I spin around and see a man in his middle to upper sixties or so taking in the visual of what the fire left behind. Hopefully, he hasn’t heard my conversation.
I nod. “Yeah… it is.”
“They say the owner of this place was going to be just starting out, and now it’s gone.”
Yeah, ain’t that the truth.
I nod once more.
“Did you know the fella?” he asks.
“Fella?” I raise an eyebrow.
He nods, pointing to where the building used to be. “Yeah, yeah. The owner of what was supposed to be a bar, for us…”
Ah. He thinks a man was behind all of this, and of course he figured it was only going to be a bar for the people in town who like to drink a little too much.
I shake my head. “No, I didn’t.”
He rubs his chin. “Well, maybe someone else will buy what’s left of it and fix it up nice. Anyway, you take care now.”
“Take care,” I respond as he walks off.
I stand back, taking one last glance at what would have been my new life, and wipe one final tear from my eyes. It’s gone. This is over, and I need to move on from yet another thing missing from my life.
I dump my suitcases on the floor as I step back inside my apartment and lock the door behind me.
Sure, everything is as I left it, but inside, I don’t feel so hot.
Emotional wreck. Hot mess. Yeah, that’s how it’s been. Am I ever going to get back to feeling like myself again?
I head to my living room and sit on the couch, staring straight ahead at the beige painted wall. Why do I feel so blah? Why do I feel so empty inside, like I don’t know what to do with myself?
But I know exactly what I have to do. I have to get out of my head. I have to pick up the pieces of what’s left and move on, move forward.
First things first. I need to call Erin.
I cringe, thinking about the way I left. She wasn’t happy with my decision, but what choice did I have?
She begged me to stay on the west coast with her to start over again, but I couldn’t. Besides her and the Coles’, there is nothing there for me.
Kalen is just a ticking time bomb of bad memories, one wrong thought, and the waterworks explode from my eyes. It’s no way to live and seeing him every single day would not be good for me. He would make things worse for me.
Granted he’s on the island and he wouldn’t be where Erin is.
But knowing that he’s close by is enough…
Being back in California would be a reminder in itself. I need to stay my ass right here on the east coast.
I take a deep breath and pull out my cell phone. It rings five times and then goes to her voicemail. I hang up and try again. This time, it only rings twice before the voicemail picks up once more.
She’s giving me the “F-U” button.
Fine, I deserve that.
Instead of hanging up again this time, I decide to leave a message for her. “Hi, Erin. It’s me. I just wanted to let you know I arrived here safely, like I always do after I come out to see you guys. Anyways, give me a call when you can. I feel bad about the way I left, but I… I don’t know. Just call me, okay?”
I throw my phone to the side and look about the place. What am I supposed to do now? I no longer have a job, I don’t have any important things coming up, nor do I have anything to look forward to. My only friends are Erin, and of course Joanna from my old job, but she’s probably at work right now.
Maybe I could clean up a bit around here, but after a few quick glances, I decide against it. I had left the place spotless before I went away. There’s nothing to clean. I probably should go through my purse and throw out any flyers and things I picked up during my time away.
I grab my purse sitting to my right and begin rummaging through it. There are so many colorful brochures from Starling Paradise, I don’t even remember stashing them away in here.
And then, I see it. The little card from Mr. Elmers on my last day at work. I smile to myself as I pull it out and read it over again.