by N R Brooks
“No. Why do you say things like that? All I did was tell him thanks. Why do you have to get so possessive whenever I just talk to another guy?” The female said as her voice started to crack from the sound of holding back tears.
“I am not possessive.” He said nearly loud enough for everyone to hear him. “I watched you. You were flirting with him. You are probably thinking about him right now, aren’t you? Why don’t you just go run into his arms?” The male said to her with growing fury.
“Jesus Christ. Why can’t we just sit here and eat our food and have a normal conversation like regular people? Every time we go somewhere you always get pissed off over something. Do you enjoy making me feel like shit on a regular basis?”
“Me making you feel like shit? Every time we go somewhere you end up flirting with other guys right in plain sight for me to see! How do you think I feel, watching you whore yourself out to every guy that walks by?”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Then I realized what I was listening to. That was my own voice, only younger sounding. It was me!
“Are you serious? Whoring myself out?” She said as her voice began sounding more and more unstable.
“Yeah. Always that giggle whenever another guy talks to you” Then he/I started doing an embarrassing impression of what he considers as her flirting. It was cringeworthy to say the least.
“Fuck you, Stan.” The female said as she slammed her silverware down on the table and stormed out of the store in tears.
I quickly put my shades on and looked at the female as she raced to the entrance of the restaurant. Sure enough, it was a teenage Alexis. Then my memory finally kick-started itself, and I remembered the very time in this same buffet. Everything was coming back to me like an echo in a valley. The words out of my mouth, the tears running down her face, and the horrible guilt I felt immediately after the embarrassment of the other people in the store staring at me with looks of contempt.
You fucking idiot. I wanted to jump over the booth and beat my own ass right then and there. My appetite now gone, I looked at the food in front of me, and it no longer looked as delicious as it did just a few minutes ago. I didn’t even want it now. I deserved to starve after witnessing from an onlookers perspective just how I treated Alexis that day twenty years ago. I got up from my booth, made sure not to look at my sulking counterpart behind me, and left the restaurant.
As I walked away, I couldn’t help but notice Alexis sitting in her car, bawling hysterically but loyally waiting for me to finally leave the building and get in the car. Even after what I said, she wouldn’t have just left me here without a ride. This did nothing but anger me more. I felt like the most worthless person on earth. Most of the time I never saw the results of my belittling as she would normally leave and not come back until the next day. I remember this instance as one of the few where I did see what I had done. When my other self finally left the restaurant and got in the car I gave her a heartfelt apology and made up the best I could. Everything would be better for a few weeks until I found another male rival to stoke the flames of my jealous enmity.
I decided at that point that the only way I would once and for all get over my deep seeded jealousy was to witness just how much of a shitty person I am. And to do that, I would watch myself destroy the best thing that ever happened to me twenty years ago. I wanted nothing more than to take my younger self aside and beat some sense into him. I wanted to make him realize just what he was going to lose if he didn’t grow up and quit the jealous bullshit. But I knew that was just one thing I could not do. The New Year’s incident was one thing, but interfering with my own past directly was just not something I was willing to risk. Instead, I would subject myself to the one punishment I truly deserved. I would watch my life fall apart all over again, only this time as a spectator.
Chapter 6
As the next month came and went, my time was not only occupied with witnessing my past relationship with Alexis slowly crumble before my eyes, but I took care of the necessities of my own wellbeing. Within the first week of receiving the credit card, I maxed it out so I could reap the benefits of it before its existence was noticed and later canceled. The cash I withdrew was held safely in my wallet to be used later once I could no longer charge anything else to the card.
Meanwhile, I was able to find a decent used bicycle for easier transportation through the city. I also found myself a nice used Walkman cassette player to listen to music—CDs were common but rather expensive in this time. This was a major benefit as it eliminated my boredom at night as well as helped ease my moods after witnessing another one of my younger self’s many idiotic outbursts towards Alexis. It took everything in my power to not wring my own neck each time.
During this time I also left the shelter and found a place in one of the canyon-side parks to sleep. I always enjoyed being alone, so this was an added benefit for me. I spent a weekend scrounging up various scraps and remnants of wood and metal to create a makeshift shack out of a fissure in the canyon wall. This was quite common in a city next to a canyon. I had neighbors, but they were quite a distance from me, so their presence was not usually noticed. My only other company included the occasional snake or furry critter that would come by to say hello and then take off running when I tried to return the courtesy.
Not everything I acquired needed money if one knew where to look. For instance, I was able to find a discarded new mattress from the dumpster behind a mattress factory in town. There must have been some sort of irreparable defect with it that they simply trashed it, although I didn’t notice anything wrong. This garbage mattress would prove to be the best bed I would have for a good while, far better than the rigid wood of a church pew. I still had my trusty thin blanket from the shelter as well. I doubt anybody would miss it.
The rest of the money on the credit card was used for other things like setting up a PO Box under a pseudonym so I didn’t have to rely on the mailbox at my parents’ house—it wasn’t like I was expecting much mail anyways. I just paid for a year as I figured by then I would be able to figure out a more permanent means of living. Other things included simple camping gear I would use at my “residence”: portable stove, pots, pans, bowls, plates, etc. I think you get the picture. In the end, I realized that $500 really goes a long way when you stick to second hand and thrift stores. Once I had everything I needed, I still had money left over and had to think of things to spend it on. That was when I recalled that I was in the 90s again. My fashion sense had changed drastically since then, but I always had a longing to revisit the 90s style that most would have snickered at had I worn it in the present day.
I had enough on the card for exactly one pair of extra wide pipe legged Jnco’s, the type that was popular among skateboarders in this time period. I remember having a t-shirt that I adored as a kid that had a Tonka trucks logo on it. It took me a while, but I was eventually able to find one. Clothing with random brand logos was popular back in the day. I had to be a part of that trend. It was a trend that only those with a significant bank balance could afford unfortunately. It truly felt good to revisit my teenage years in this way. It had been so long I felt rather goofy at first, but I looked like someone that belonged in the time, so the feeling of eccentricity was short lived. Either way, the feeling wasn’t exactly unwelcome as it served to take my mind off the punishment of watching my younger self act like a fool on a weekly basis. That and my ever persisting migraines.
Once I finally drained the last dollar out of the card balance, I cut the card up in small pieces and burned it to eliminate any further trace. I would no longer need it, and there was no sense in holding on to it. I had all of the necessities that I needed, and the remaining funds would hold me over for a while. All that was left was to witness the last couple months of the Alexis relationship which I had hoped would change me for good.
By the end of February, I had grown quite proud of my impromptu construction abilities. Canyon saw one of its rare snowstorms for the winter towar
ds the end of the month. My little canyon wall structure held the snow out with ease, and I was able to stay rather comfortable. Days like that, I simply stayed inside with my thick winter coat I found at the thrift store and just listened to music or read books and magazines. Whenever I wasn’t in the mood for either, I would sometimes just listen to NPR. It was interesting to hear events happen in the present that were considered history where I was from. President Clinton is acquitted in his impeachment hearing, the King of Jordan dying of cancer, and a major earthquake in Columbia. I do recall one odd report that I don’t remember ever hearing about in my past. One that struck me as quite significant which was odd because it definitely should have been something I would have remembered.
It reported just a couple days ago on the first day of March. It was a breaking news story that came right after a report of an embassy in Zambia being destroyed by a bomb explosion. I remember it quite clearly.
“We have a breaking news report. Scientists have discovered an unknown object underground just outside of Kearney Nebraska. Reports state that the unknown object, about the size of a billiard ball, has created a massive sinkhole at a golf course on the outskirts of Kearney forcing the course to be closed down at the present time. Statements were given that scientists remain completely baffled as to the source or the composition of the object. Descriptions include that it resembles a black hole. Apparently, the object appears to be two dimensional, but no one is certain. We will have updates on this story as more details come into us.”
When I listened to the report, I struggled to recall hearing of such a report. Surely it would have been major news. I eventually dismissed it and figured at the time I had just been so wrapped up in my relationship that such a story must not have reached my ears. Who knows? I kept the report in the back of my mind as it sparked major interested for me. Plus, the idea that I don’t remember it was constantly nagging at me in my head.
That wasn’t important right now. Today I had pressing plans. It was the day I took Alexis to see Titanic. It would be the first time seeing the movie which was odd because even in those days I had found the story a fascinating one. One would think a history nerd like myself would have been there on opening night. But no, for some reason that I don’t recall, I just never got around to seeing it. I had decided that it was the perfect time to take my special lady out. Plus, the movie had technically already ended its theatrical run. In major cities, the movie had stopped being played last year, but some smaller towns kept them playing if they still drew a crowd. This was one such town. In the end, it would turn out to be one of the worst nights yet.
The movie would start in about an hour and I had planned on arriving shortly after Alexis and younger me did so that I could sit a couple of rows behind them. I had to prep myself for what I was going to bear witness to. Not only did I have to endure the sadness of watching Alexis in one of her worst sobbing fits, but the cause of my lashing out would be the stupidest yet. I would have to really test my restraint with this one.
I hopped on my bike and took off in the direction of the theater. It was a long distance from the location of my makeshift home so by my figures I should arrive with enough time to spare to catch my two targets on their way in. When I arrived, I would just sit on a nearby bench listening to some of my music until they turned up. I had a good selection of music by this time.
If one had not been here for the past week, they would never know there had been a snowstorm just a week ago as any trace of it was long gone within twenty-four hours of the last snowflake touching down. I was thankful for this as riding a bike in the snow is not a fun experience. Today, my bike ride would be an easy one. Jacket weather, a very light breeze, and sunshine with few clouds. Spring was already here. Some might say it had been here since December and the weather reports would most of the time concur.
I arrived at the theater with twenty minutes to spare. Since today was a weekday, the theater was fairly dead. No lines to get tickets or snacks, the benches outside were all empty, and few cars were in the parking lot. I locked my bike up at the bike rack and sat down on the bench nearest the entrance. Less than five minutes passed before I saw Alexis’ station wagon pull up and park right in front of me. It was difficult to not get nervous, being this close to them. I had my perfectly groomed beard and sunglasses on so they shouldn’t recognize me or grow suspicious. Still, it was slightly nerve-wracking.
As they walked by on their way to the front entrance without giving me a second glance, it felt nice to see them actually holding hands and being civil to one another. I usually only stalked them when there was an argument about to start that I had remembered. It made me wish I would come around during the calm moments more often.
I sat on the bench until right about the time the movie was supposed to start and walked in to purchase my movie ticket. When I glanced at the snacks, I observed the fountain drinks only to spot one of my favorite drinks of all time that would be discontinued in a few years. Surge was one of the staples of my teenage diet. Hands down one of the best sodas ever made. Needless to say, I ordered the largest fountain drink I could before walking into the theater to sit two rows behind Alexis and myself.
Upon sitting down, I slunk into my seat as far as possible without looking awkward. The darkness of the theater should make me hard enough to see that I could remove my unneeded sunglasses. Weekdays at the movies in a small town like this meant very few people came in, especially in the afternoon. Other than the two versions of myself and Alexis, there were probably only three other people in the entire room we were in. I had to be careful not to draw any attention to myself.
As the movie played on, I divided my attention between the movie itself—I don’t care what anyone says, I love this movie—and the two subjects in front of me. I remember both of us focusing on the movie pretty intently, so any interaction was minimal aside from the embracing and occasional kissing. I kept hoping that this time around would be different and we could have left the movie the same way we came in, but I knew it was futile. The only way things would change was if I stuck my nose in their business.
When the movie ended, I could predict nearly every movement between the two with surgical precision. I remembered this event all too well as the shame of it still has not left me to this very day. I watched as the two of them whispered to each other. It would go well for a minute or so until Alexis would whisper in my younger self’s ear that she had a secret crush on Leonardo DiCaprio in the movie. I know now that such a thing is silly to get jealous over but a hormone driven teenager like myself wouldn’t hesitate to flip shit over such an innocent confession. I didn’t need to see my younger face to know when his mood would change in the blink of an eye.
As the credits rolled, my younger self sat there motionless, staring at the credits as if they were a major plot twist in the movie. Alexis sat there for a long moment just staring over at him, whispering to him but getting no response. Then when he got up to leave, Alexis tried holding to his hand to get him to sit back down but to no avail. He pulled his hand free and walked out of the theater with Alexis struggling to follow behind him. When the both of them were out of the theater, I cautiously walked out just far enough that I could still see them both pacing out of the building. I left via the front entrance while they left via the exit that led from the theater we were in. I stood outside by the bike rack acting like I was focused on something. I was close enough to their car that I could hear what they were saying.
“What the hell, Stan? I just said that I thought Leo was hot in the movie. Is that such a terrible sin that you have to flip out about it?”
He flipped around to look directly at her “Why do you have to say that shit to me, huh? You think I like hearing you get all hot and bothered by other guys? I swear you do this shit just for fun.”
This was painful to listen to. I couldn’t believe those words were coming out of my own mouth. Such a teenage response.
Alexis just stared back, perplexed. “You
are seriously pissed off over that? I know seeing me even look in the direction of another guy gets you worked up, but shit, a guy in a movie is now off limits too? What the hell? Should I just watch the goddamn movie with my eyes closed?”
“Am I not good enough for you? Do you ever hear me tell you how hot I think other chicks are? No. Because I don’t go around looking at anyone else. Why can’t you do that?” He asked in a serious tone.
“You think I go checking out every guy that walks by me? Jeez, why are you so worried about shit like that? You know I love you and only you. Just because I think a guy in a movie is attractive doesn’t mean I don’t think you are too.” She threw her hands in the air as if she were giving up on the conversation and started to walk away back to her car. “God, why do you always flip out like this? It’s getting ridiculous.”
“Why do you think I want to hear about all of the other guys you think are hot? If you didn’t check out other guys, you wouldn’t be saying that shit to me.” He said.
“Oh my god. Seriously? I couldn’t give a shit if you told me you thought another girl was hot. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as you aren’t cheating on me with her, why should I care? Are you so insecure that you think I just spread my legs for anyone that has a pulse? Give me a fucking break, Stan.” Alexis admitted.
This hurt to hear. She was always the sensible one in the relationship. Why couldn’t I just listen to what she said and stop being an idiot? It took everything I had not to walk over to them and do something. It was probably best if I just left. I didn’t know if I would be able to restrain myself any longer.
“You know what? Just go. You probably have some guy waiting for you at home anyways. Fucking bitch.” My younger self said as he stormed off to walk home alone.
I didn’t catch what was said after that. Alexis just stood there speechless—probably flabbergasted by the idiotic response of younger Stan. Then I heard her crying as she ran to her car to drive off, spitting rocks from her spinning tires. I just hopped on my bike and rode back to my shack. It took probably twice as long to get back as it took for me to ride to the theater. I knew what was coming after the movie, but it never got any easier to witness. I felt that I had punished myself enough and didn’t want to watch the damage I would cause Alexis any longer. The end was going to come up in only a few weeks anyway. I determined that I would be there for the final nail to be hammered into our relationship’s coffin. After that, I didn’t know what I would do next.