by Ryan Almroth
Without missing a beat, Adrienne muttered, “That’s what she said.”
An eternity passed between them. Adrienne broke first, a sharp giggle escaping from the back of her throat. Emily masked a small smirk with her hand, hiding her face from Adrienne as though she were ashamed of her building laughter. But her feigned expression crumbled, and Emily burst into laughter. The two sat laughing together until the moment became a memory; once again, Adrienne felt at home in Emily’s company.
“Em,” Adrienne said, “I missed you.” As she spoke, Adrienne danced over her words, hesitating between “I miss you” and “I missed you,” unable to determine how intimate she could be with her friend. How two common letters tacked onto the end of a sentence could change its entire meaning—and the entire course of her life—she could never understand. The power of past and present, willed into being by one little suffix.
“I missed you too, Adrienne.” Her cheeks were already rosy from the winter air, but upon saying this, it seemed she flushed a deeper red.
As Emily pulled to a quaint house on the edge of suburbia, it seemed as though Adrienne and Emily’s views of “getting breakfast” proved radically different. There were several other vehicles parked outside. The car that they were parked behind boasted a bumper sticker with the words “Guns Don’t Kill People—Dads with Pretty Daughters Do.”
“Where are we, Em?” Adrienne asked as they approached the house. She heard the soft rumble of a party emanating through the blue vinyl siding.
The mystery was resolved seconds after Emily rapped on the door. A stout man, smelling like Miller Lite and hot dogs, answered the door.
“Emily!” the man exclaimed. “So glad you’re here.” He embraced her, holding on tight. “Is she your friend?” he asked after a moment.
“This is Adrienne,” Emily said. “Adrienne, this is my uncle, Tony.”
“Ah, Adrienne! We’ve heard so much about you.” He extended his hand.
Adrienne raised her eyebrows at Emily. “Have you, now?”
Emily refused her eye contact. “Come on, let us in, it’s cold out.”
The house was antiquated, with wood-paneled walls and an affinity for gaudy furnishings, and an ornate red couch acting as centerpiece atop a brown shag carpet. There was indeed a party inside, with many familiar faces in the crowd, including Emily’s mother, who only greeted Adrienne with a forced smile. Much of the family was unknown to her.
“What are we doing here?” Adrienne asked as they put away their coats in the guest bedroom.
“It’s my aunt’s birthday,” she explained.
“Oh, great. Well, happy birthday, but what are we doing here?”
“I wanted to get you out of the house. I had to come here today, but I couldn’t leave you alone.”
“I thought we were getting breakfast.”
“Yes, well, it seems our breakfast is going to consist of hot dogs and birthday cake. You did mention you were in the mood for sausages?”
“Not your family’s sausages!” Adrienne waited for Emily to laugh, but when she didn’t, Adrienne stifled her own.
To be fair, the hot dogs were actually quite delicious, drenched in grease and spicy mustard. The two of them sat on the floor in the living room while they watched reruns of America’s Funniest Home Videos.
“I didn’t even know they still made this,” Adrienne said. The show was enjoyable, and the food seemed to be settling in her stomach quite well, and everyone left her alone. She felt like a spirit occupying the corner of the room, existing only to observe her surroundings.
“I didn’t know her and Emily were still dating,” said a whisper from across the room. Sneaking a glance, Adrienne saw it was Uncle Tony talking to Emily’s mother, a woman with hideous hoop earrings and flashy pink lipstick. Adrienne felt a knot in her stomach, and now the hot dogs didn’t taste so good.
“They’re not. At least, I don’t think—no, they’re not,” her mother said. “We knocked that out of her. Got her to go to Becky’s church. They took care of that real quick.”
Adrienne felt the heat rise from her chest to her cheeks, a boiling cauldron overflowing within her. It dawned on her that this was intentional; it was a threat.
“I’m not sure about that,” Tony said stiffly. “But is she happy?”
“She’s doing great. A little ray of sunshine.” The two stared at each other, ice cold tension filling the void between them. “It’s not like I hate people like that,” she finally added. “I didn’t make them break up. But I swear, you didn’t see as many of them when we were kids. It’s like it’s a fad, like it’s cool to be so unnatural. It’s all the time they spend on social media, I swear.”
“But she was happy,” Tony said. “That’s what really matters.”
“She’s happy now too.”
“But she was happy before.”
Emily’s mom appeared flustered. “Well, it’s a better kind of happy. This is healthy.”
Adrienne shot up and bolted to the bathroom. It was so loud in the living room, and the bathroom was quiet. Adrienne pulled the blinds so that no sunlight could enter. Then, perhaps from the hangover, perhaps from disgust, she felt inclined to sit before the porcelain throne. Maybe if she threw up, she would have enough of an excuse to leave. Sitting on the cold floor, Adrienne closed her eyes to the external world, forcing herself to breathe, alone in the dark—but not for long. The stars seared in her mind. Her vision became blurry, and she was seeing herself from the outside looking in.
The medicine cabinet. Adrienne watched herself open the wooden doors and scan for anything that might give her relief. Propranolol, no. Fluoxetine, no. She watched her hands sift through the orange bottles, searching for the prize, setting aside each bottle carefully so that the rattle was nonexistent. Eventually, there it was: Xanax, something to numb her out of reality.
She uncapped the bottle and inspected the pills, packages of chalky white bliss. Magic in a bottle. She popped one in her mouth and swallowed it with tap water.
A rap at the door. “Adi?” Emily said. “Are you okay in there?”
Adrienne scrambled to put away all the pill bottles. Emily burst inside after a moment, and merely the sight of Adrienne standing in front of the medicine cabinet, a bead of sweat rolling down her face, was enough for Emily to piece together the situation.
“What did you take?” she asked calmly.
Shame rolled through Adrienne. She leaned over the bathroom sink, refusing eye contact.
“Adrienne?”
“Did you break up with me because your mom didn’t like our relationship?” Adrienne said.
“What? No!” Emily gripped the door. “You cheated on me! But maybe you don’t remember, because by the looks of it, you spent the whole summer high as a kite.” She raised her voice; surely everyone could hear, but she didn’t seem to care. “You try to kill yourself, and I help you, and you respond by getting high at my aunt’s house and accusing me?”
“I didn’t ask for your fucking help!”
“Yes, you did! You don’t remember, you were so blasted last night! You called me, and you were crying. You said you ‘didn’t really want the stars to go out,’ and I assumed that meant you didn’t want to die. So, I came over. I forced you to throw up the pills. I left you on the floor, on your side, so if you threw up you wouldn’t choke. You asked for help, and I was there! I wasn’t going to come back this morning. I didn’t want to get involved with you again. But something in me told me I had to. God told me I had to come back.” Emily was crying now. “I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?” Adrienne asked. The question was more than a response; it rippled from her mind as an impulse, an instinct, a thank-you, and an expression of guilt, all wrapped into one. The question hung in the air, ringing through Adrienne’s head, morphing violently as she imagined Emily’s response.
“I did this to you.”
The statement was piercing, and would normally have debilitated her, but right
now was mostly deflected by the cool numbness of the medication beginning to take effect. The weight of heartbreak eased by a tiny tablet. Magic in a bottle, truly.
“I can take you home now, if you want,” Emily said.
The car ride home was quiet, with the peace fully setting in. Her muscles and thoughts were loose, an artificial bulletproof vest giving her peace of mind. She felt bad for feeling good. Her mind was calm.
They pulled up to her house, and Adrienne sprung out of the vehicle, her muscles feeling so free that her own body surprised her as she stood up. She was a scarecrow, blowing around in the breezy air, pinned to the dirt by forces beyond her control.
“See ya, Adi,” Emily said.
“I’ll text you later,” Adrienne replied.
“I hope you do,” she said. A sad smile was plastered on her face. Then, she drove away.
The following hour Adrienne spent in her bed, intrusive thoughts bombarding her mind, quickly deflected by her medically induced anxiety shield. After winning the fight for her mind, she drifted off to sleep, imagining the warm outline of Emily’s fingertips entwined with her own. It was always about her, she realized. Everything was a cry for attention. For her attention.
Hours later, she awoke, sober but refreshed. Her stomach was still a little queasy; it was manageable, but this really was the hangover that didn’t quit. The weight of the past twelve hours hung over her shoulders. This was not the healthy rekindling of their relationship she had dreamed of. She needed to apologize. And she needed to know, Tony’s sentiments echoing through her mind, “Is she happy?” She threw on her coat and flew out the door.
The church was windowless, lit instead with a bright artificial light. There was nothing particularly religious about the setup—there were no crosses anywhere to be found, and the stage appeared set up for a rock concert instead of a worship service. Women with designer dresses hung off the arms of bearded men in elegant suit coats. Adrienne was quickly embarrassed; she was dressed in the only skirt she owned, an ugly blue pencil skirt from Goodwill. She slumped into a seat as far away from the front as possible, but her attempts at dissuading attention were thwarted when she was greeted by a large man in a suit, his jacket straining to hold itself together.
He shook with anticipation, his hot dog fingers extended toward her. “Good evening, young lady! I haven’t seen you here before! Welcome! I’m the pastor ’round here, Steve Wright.”
She shook his hand. “Thanks, it’s cool to be here. My name is, um, Jasmine. I’m a friend of Emily’s. Have you seen her?”
“Aw, Emily, what a sweetheart. Let me tell you, Emily is one of the most beautiful, devoted members this church has ever seen! You sure are lucky to have a friend like her. She’s actually singing in the choir tonight, so she’ll be back out here after that. Want me to run back and tell her you’re here?”
“No, that’s all right. It will be a nice surprise.”
As the service began, Adrienne was overwhelmed by the sheer volume and passion of the worship music. Shouts of “Hallelujah!” and “Prrrrraise Jeee-sus!” rippled through the air every time the Christian rock song hit a key change, or the singer took a five-minute pause between numbers to revel in the glory of God. Little girls danced at the altar; young adults bowed before their Lord as they struggled to repress their budding sexualities; adult men nodded along in small, disjointed movements, afraid of emasculating themselves.
After worship the sermon commenced, a passionate rendition of the Exodus from Egypt and how the modern Christian population was beginning to undergo the same conditions as the Egyptian slaves. It was continually interrupted by older men shouting “Hallelujah!” each time the pastor paused to breathe. Adrienne found it difficult to keep her eyes open. As the sermon wound to a conclusion, the trickling of a piano serenaded the pastor’s final prayer.
“Now, if you all would come before the altar and pray.”
The congregation moved toward the front of the room. A queasiness bubbled in Adrienne’s gut. In the midst of this spacious sanctuary, she felt totally isolated. She slipped on her jacket. Maybe she would just leave out the back door. She didn’t need to confront Emily tonight; she had been acting out of rashness when she came here….
Tap tap. Adrienne whipped around as something brushed her shoulder.
“I really didn’t think you would come,” Emily said.
“That’s what she said,” Adrienne said. A smile curled across her face.
“You’ve been watching too much of The Office,” Emily laughed. “Do you want to pray with me?”
Adrienne protested, but Emily grabbed her hand and led her toward the altar, into the swarm of religious fanatics loudly praying gobbledygook. but in Emily’s hand, warm and familiar, she could manage any uncertainty.
“Raise your hands,” Emily whispered in her ear. Emily held her palms wide, swaying them back and forth to the beat of the music. Adrienne did as she was told.
Adrienne closed her eyes, letting the music fill her. She began to feel something in her stomach. It started small, the tiniest of vibrations, a glimmer of light. She focused on it, and it grew. Every nerve in her body flooded with warmth, sunlight beating through the exosphere of her soul. The weight of her world lifted from her for the briefest of moments as she lounged in divinity, some other being freeing Adrienne from her burdens. Her heart beat anew, invigorated, energized, youthful.
From a million miles away, Adrienne heard Emily whisper, “Let go.”
The congregation began to lay hands on her. Three. Seven. Their souls flowed together, becoming one being in the eyes of the Lord, His creation together, worshipping. They swayed back and forth to the heartbeat of God, the pulse of the universe, a melody of love. Happiness dripped from her eyes, a salted peace found only in the arms of a loved one. Emily squeezed her hand.
With twenty souls supporting her and the melodic voice of God serenading her prayers, she let go of the darkness inside, and gave herself to the Lord. In response, her entire core started to feel hot, like a lantern was burning inside her, a piece of Love’s essence as a glowing orb of heat and passion and divinity. The heat made its way from her stomach into her chest, and soon her entire body was aglow with light.
“How do you feel?” Emily asked.
Sirens. She did not feel so good anymore. The heat floated into the back of her throat and exploded onto the congregation. God’s blessing washed over His people, baptizing the disciples in a mixture of hot dogs and blue birthday cake. His love erupted onto the altar, onto the pastor’s suit pants, onto the women’s skirts and into Emily’s hair. The music stopped. The congregation’s shouts of worship descended into shouts of disgust. One girl, almost a teenager, burst into tears and fled the room, mourning her now vomit-stained dress. Adrienne’s stomach gurgled. The heat burned in her face, but from embarrassment rather than some spiritual experience. Emily blinked a couple of times before grabbing Adrienne’s hand. She said, “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up. Maybe that was a little too much for one day.”
“Sorry, everyone,” Adrienne mumbled.
The two of them, Adrienne trailing behind like a child, went wordlessly into the church costume shop, full of ankle-length dresses to be used in Christmas and Easter performances. Emily gave her a dress she assumed would fit. Adrienne couldn’t look her in the eyes, her shame still dripping from the strands of Emily’s hair.
Adrienne stripped the soiled skirt from her body, exposing herself in the middle of the darkened church room. She knew Emily was gazing at her nude silhouetted figure, but neither said a word about it as the long pink dress covered her nakedness. Again, nothing she hadn’t seen before, Adrienne supposed. Once Adrienne was done, Emily pretended she hadn’t been looking, fixating herself on a loose string hanging from one of the embroidered jean skirts.
“Sorry I threw up on you,” Adrienne said.
“It happens.” Emily laughed. “God is all-powerful. And he works in mysterious ways.”
Adrienne
wanted to say that it was still just the hangover, but she held her tongue.
The two of them cleaned themselves up, sharing the bathroom to wash the vomit off each other in places difficult for them to reach alone, two animals engaged in the primal act of cleansing the other. Once clean, they left the building. Nobody made eye contact with Adrienne as the congregation poured out of the sanctuary. Soon, the lights of the church faded away, and Pastor Steve locked the doors behind him as he left, waving them a hearty goodbye before driving away.
The air was still bitter, though tolerable, with a light snowfall making the evening a wonderland. The sun was almost set, with only a haze of light glowing on the horizon.
“What do you want to do now?” Adrienne asked.
“Come on.” Emily grabbed Adrienne’s hand. “I want to take you to my favorite spot.”
Not as grandiose as Adrienne had envisioned a favorite spot to be, Emily led her to a nearby swing set on the church grounds. The swings were worn down over many years of love and abuse, but they still held a certain quaintness that appealed to Adrienne. They threw snowballs at each other as they brushed off the hard plastic seats. By the time the swings were clean, Adrienne had taken a couple of curveballs to the face. Ice crystals twinkled between the strands of her hair.
“So, what did you think of the service? Would you want to come back?” Emily asked.
“What did I think? Besides it being the most embarrassing moment of my life?” She chuckled. “I’m not sure. Maybe there was something. I felt… something. Maybe for a second. I can’t say I was convinced. But maybe…” She trailed off, drying the seat with the sleeve of her jacket. “I can’t believe you go to church two times a week,” Adrienne said. “Sometimes I forget to shower two times a week.”
“Three, actually. There’s a Thursday night service as well. You’re welcome to come anytime you want. No one here will judge you for what happened tonight. And you should definitely remember to shower, that’s gross, Adi. What the heck.”