His ministrations froze, face hardening, then he dropped me, turning and walking back the way he’d come.
“You’re going back to her? You’re my guard.”
“You have four guards; she has none.” He didn’t stop to talk, walking farther and farther away.
“Ask me,” I yelled after him.
Desperation burned up my throat, acidic, panic heartburn. My hands went to the top of my head as I took deep breaths, trying to wrangle my heartbeat.
I practiced in my head over and over again. I didn’t want to go back. Not to any previous iteration of us. Not the deserter, the enemy, the tormentor, or even the best friend. I wanted us as we almost became last night.
Now, as he kept walking, all I could feel was my beating heart. I eyed the four stone-statues guarding me, my potential audience.
If I told Theo I love him, I could lose him.
But if I don’t, I definitely will.
“I never had a friend before you,” I yelled to his back, voice trembling.
Maybe this is how I spill my guts to Theo, to his back.
It kind of makes sense.
“You were my only friend, but you were so much more. You were my best friend. You were my…” I fiddled with his friendship bracelet. “You know the areas of my soul I was too afraid to walk inside. You read the parts of me I thought I erased. You see my darkness, and you fill it with light.”
Theo kept walking, getting closer and closer to the shadows of the stone hallway.
“You’re my soul mate, Theo!”
Theo paused, then picked up his pace. He was almost out of my sight.
This was it, the moment when I’d have to jump off the cliff.
“I promise I’ll never leave you,” I yelled. “I promise I loved you. Even when you left, when I thought you loved my sister, even when you were cruel.”
He stopped walking.
“I-I promise I love you,” I said. “I promise I can’t stop and will never stop.”
He turned around, peering down the hallway at me with an inscrutable look on his face.
“You promise you love me?” he finally asked.
“Yes,” I said quickly, hope filling my chest. “Yes, I love you.”
He tilted his head, sharp chin catching sunlight. “What if I betray you?”
“Um…” I trailed off, at first thinking I’d misunderstood him.
Theo took long strides, closing the distance he’d just made.
“What if I betray you, Abigail?”
I fiddled with the pastel beads on my wrist, terrified, nearly snapping it. I wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t know how to respond.
“You won’t.”
“What if I did?”
I swallowed, picking at the beads, when his hand shot out, stopping me.
Anchoring me.
“Stop talking like this.”
“You’d take away your love, wouldn’t you? Because love isn’t a promise, Abigail. It can’t be broken or kept. Real love just is. It exists without consent. It consumes. You’re just like everyone else. Love is something to forget. Love is something to break.”
He wasn’t yelling, but that was scarier. His anger was a razor-sharp blade slicing my veins.
So. Fucking. Angry.
And something else, too. Something like sorrow.
I tried to move away, but his grip on my wrist was steel, and he pulled me closer. His pale green eyes were shadowed under his dark brow, churning with some dark emotion.
“You won’t,” I said again, uncertain if I was telling him or myself. I searched his eyes back and forth, trying to find what happened. Where this went wrong. He searched back.
We were lost to each other.
“You make promises now because everything smells like fucking roses, but when the fire starts, all you’re going to smell is smoke. It will choke you. You won’t remember your promise.”
He let me go. This time, I let him leave.
Back in my wing, I lay in bed for maybe an hour before my phone buzzed with a new email. I didn’t quite register the shock at first. I stared at the information in the message: a response from the private investigator I’d hired.
Theo’s mother. He’d found Theo’s mother.
Just like I thought, the diary was unique enough he was able to trace it to the shop where it was made and find the owner. He was still trying to find where she lived, but he had a picture.
She looked a little like him. She had the same pale green eyes, and the same silky chocolate hair. Her name was Elizabeth, and she looked kind of familiar… and I wondered if I’d seen her in town.
With the weird distance between me and Theo, I didn’t know what to do with this information,
Hours passed, and it was soon dinner time. Flanked by my new four bodyguards, I spotted Theo about to enter the hall.
“Theo?” I called out.
He barely turned his head, how he acknowledged me now, and yet another reminder of the bulwark separating us.
But it was his mother… his mother.
He held his arm out for my sister to pass, and a knife speared my heart.
“Um… never mind.”
Twenty-Five
ABIGAIL
The flight home from Switzerland was stifling. There’s a wedge between me and Theo now, and I can’t remove it. He was back on my guard, but so were the four new ones. He never strayed past the line of bodyguard. I never pushed him to.
Now we were home, the engagement party is tonight, and the only silver lining was Ned and all the Harlingtons weren’t staying with us. I lay in bed well past the hour I woke, face planted into my pillow, breathing in silky fibers.
I would tell the world I was marrying Ned tonight.
I’d found Theo’s mother.
Theo still wasn’t talking to me…
My bed shook and jostled beneath me, followed by, “Get up.”
I lifted my head, but Theo was already nearly out of my room.
Two women came in after him, carrying various weapons of beauty. They tittered back and forth as they pulled and curled and pinned my hair. They applied layer upon layer of makeup, until the girl in the mirror was shielded under makeup and hairspray.
I watched Theo’s back in the mirror, wishing he would look at me. I just wanted to fix it. I expected anger. I hoped for anger, but he acts like I don’t exist.
I’d found his mother. How the fuck do I tell him I’d found his mother when he won’t look at me for more than two seconds?
“You’re going to be the most beautiful girl there,” one of them said as they finished packing up their supplies.
I wondered if they’d met my sister—oh, they probably said that to everyone.
They commented on how stunning my dress was, then left. It was hanging up against a tall, arched window. The golden lattices on the window shone through the white fabric, making it look a little mystical.
I still didn’t have Story back, which meant I was once again dressing myself. My dress was a thin, shimmering gauzy material matching the flowing fabric of skirt that fell off my shoulders. It flowed like air and fell like water. I finished off the look with my handmade translucent sea glass earrings with rose gold adornments. They were small and added enough pop without overpowering.
I touched my lobes, wondering if they would keep me intact.
All I needed to do was tie silky white laces at the back of my dress.
Laces.
I glanced out my open door, where half of Theo’s body was usually visible standing guard. All day his hands had been behind his back, the soft material of his shirt clinging to broad shoulders and defined muscles, but now he was curiously absent.
I found him by the fold-out, holding his mother’s diary, but he was just staring at it. It wasn’t even open. I felt like I’d just walked in on something too intimate and immediately stepped back—but ran into the wall.
He turned his head at the noise, quickly shoving the book away.
&nbs
p; Silence stretched.
Finally, I said what I’d come out for in the first place.
“I need your help.”
I could see the objection forming on his face, so I tried to stop it: “Please.”
He came inside my room and waited for me to put on my dress. His wary eyes transmuted when they saw me. I felt naked. How could he do that with just a look? I rubbed my arm.
His stare traveled to the plunging neck, where the built-in corset was encased in white lace. My long hair had been pulled up, and he looked like he wanted to rip it out and tangle it and get it messy.
“Is that held up by magic?” he asked roughly.
“That… and sophisticated sewing.” I swallowed and turned around, exposing my naked back with its undone laces. “Lace me up?”
He walked to me, fingers finding my laces. I tried not to jump at his touch, but I couldn’t control the goose bumps.
It was too quiet. His touch was too gentle.
“Are you writing something naughty back there?” I teased, but my voice shook.
“Maybe.” I swear I heard a smile in his voice. It gave me hope, like the first bloom after a cold, desolate winter.
He finished.
An awkward silence weeded around us, then he nodded his head like he was going to leave and go stand guard.
“Wait!”
He stopped.
We were already so close to shattering. There were cracks between us; water and debris were seeping through. I didn’t want to ruin this.
“Do you remember the first romance we read?” I blurted.
A bird’s song trickled in through the open window, counting the silence in its melody.
I don’t know why he read them, he wasn’t a fan, but anytime I read one, he would too. When I got into Twilight, he finished them before me. He was Team Edward and I was Team Jacob. He said, and I quote, “I knew you were dumb, Abigail, but maybe we should check you for a brain tumor.”
I like books, but Theo loves them. He teased me about my love of romance, but he’s the only person who ever read them with me.
Theo didn’t respond, so I kept talking.
“You said that fairy tales and happily ever afters were for rich people… bet you feel fucking stupid now,” I said on a laugh. I worked the fine, shimmery fabric of my dress between my fingers, hating it. It was beautiful and a fucking lie—like everything in my life.
“I know things are messed up between us.” I lifted my eyes and found his hard glare had softened.
“Abigail…”
God, I could forget everything with that voice and the eyes behind it. He took a step to me, and I knew if he touched me, I’d cave.
“Do you ever think about looking for her? Your mother…” I whispered.
“No.” His voice was firm.
“What if somebody found her for you?” I offered. “I know I screwed up everything…” I rubbed my forehead, probably messing up the artfully manufactured glow placed there only moments before. “I don’t know why you’re still here…” If you still want revenge a scared, uncertain part of my brain whispered. “I know that… you can… you should find her.”
It went so much better in my head. I was going to say how he could do so much better than follow me around, and he deserved better than being the Crowne dog. He could find his real family. I know how much that meant to him. It was all he ever wanted.
I was going to tell him how I hired an investigator, and there was hope.
Instead it came out a jumbled, weird mess of alphabet soup.
“I miss you,” I confessed. “You’re here, but it’s worse than when you were gone. I feel like you’re getting ready to leave me again.”
“Sweet girl,” he murmured, a guarded smile on his face. “I would never leave you, not willingly, not unless I had to.”
The words were so much different than the first time he’d spoken them. They tightened around my heart like barbed wire, instead of soothing like silk.
“You would tell me if you were going to leave, right?” I asked. Theo nodded, but it felt off.
“Promise?” I teased, and his eyes clouded, landing on the bracelet of his I still wore. I fiddled with the beads, insecure, and moved to slide it off to give it back.
His hand landed on my wrist, stopping me.
“No. Wear it. I like you having something of mine. To think of me.” He thumbed the beads on my wrist, that foreign emotion clouding his eyes again. Was it sorrow? That couldn’t be right.
“Theo?” I placed my free palm on his cheek, and instantly his hand was over mine. His grip wasn’t light like mine, he pressed my hand deep into his sharp cheekbone, until I was sure it hurt.
“You were the most distracting fairy tale, Abigail Crowne, but you were worth every harsh reality.”
“I’m not a fairy tale. I’m here—”
His lips crushed mine, hands diving into my hair. I gasped at the suddenness of his bruising lips. He took advantage of my open mouth, tongue seizing mine, swallowing my sighs.
His kisses were rough and grating and tender at the same time. After so many days of callous Theo, I didn’t care how his love came. I’d wrap myself up in the thorns of his affection.
We pulled back for a breath, his eyes burning and pained, our foreheads pressed together. His hands smoothed up and down my arms, from shoulder to wrist.
I had thought that maybe I could tell him about his mom and heal us. Show him much I loved him, and what could be.
A grand gesture.
We could go back to before.
“I found her,” I whispered. “I found your mother.”
Theo didn’t immediately pull away. I think it would have been easier if he had. He slowly withdrew from me. It was agonizing, like ripping out fingernails one by one, but all the while his stare was on me.
Digging.
Finally I turned away. I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed my leather clutch to get my phone, finding the email, handing it to him.
For a long while, he simply stared.
Then there came a moment when I thought I’d done the right thing. When Theo’s eyes cracked with what I thought was heartbreak, but eventually shone with wonder. His eyes found mine, and I believed I’d fixed us.
Then everything crashed.
“Are you trying to get in my head?” he asked.
His stare was bitter cold, his words even more so. Goose bumps rose along my flesh, a warning.
“What? No—”
Theo threw my phone at the wall, cutting me off. It cracked, breaking into pieces. I tore my gaze from the remnants of my phone, back to Theo.
I was fucking this up so much.
“Then why? I fucking told you to stay out of it, Abigail.” He took a step toward me, still speaking with the chillingly callous tone, as if he hadn’t just left a dent in the pretty color my mother fired numerous decorators to achieve.
“I just…”
“Why did you do this, Abigail? Why did you do this now—” He broke off and rubbed his face, turning from me.
His back rose and fell with his breaths.
“This is why you wanted so desperately to read it. Classic fucking fire starter.”
“No!” I scrambled. “It’s—I—what if she wants to see you, Theo?”
He turned back, glare sharp. “She doesn’t. She gave me up.”
“She was fifteen.”
“And? You kept me. You kept me when you were fifteen.”
“It’s not the same,” I whispered.
It was the wrong thing to say, again. Every shadow on his face was magnified by ten. The hollows beneath his sharp cheekbones, the dark of his brow, the muscle along his jawline. He was furious, and I was making it worse.
Was it the same? His mom probably felt like she couldn’t provide for him, probably thought giving him up was the best she could do. She had no idea what would happen to Theo. She was selfless.
I saw Theo, and all I thought was how lonely he looked, and how
lonely I was. I thought this boy might understand me. I might finally feel something other than emptiness. I wasn’t thinking about providing a better life for him; I was thinking about making a better one for myself.
I was selfish.
“Goddamn it, Abby. What’s inside this?” He went back to his black bag, pulling out the red diary.
“She tells you she loves you,” I said. On every page, on every single page she told him she loves him. “She gave you that diary, Theo, and without it, we never would have found her.”
“It’s her reason for leaving me. It’s not a map; it’s a goddamn goodbye.”
“Theo…”
“Fucking drop it, Abigail.” All his careful bodyguard composure fell, eyes blazing. “Stop pushing your issues on me. You can’t make her love me anymore than you can love yourself.”
Tears blurred the edges of my vision. I swiped them away, absently wondering if they’d bothered to use waterproof mascara.
Theo glanced at his watch. “We should go.”
Twenty-Six
ABIGAIL
Ned was just outside the gilded white double doors. Soon I’d link my arm in his and walk down the steps. His dad would be happy our families got along, happy I was keeping my worlds separate. The acquisition would be solidified. I’d probably make my mom happy. The rich would get richer. Great.
I didn’t even give a shit about that at the moment.
Everything was so fucked up between Theo and me. I’d declared my love for him, and he’d declared his for me. Instead of bringing us together, it propelled us apart. Frantic, nervous energy zinged in my veins.
“I don’t want to go through this door. I don’t want to put my arm in his hand.” Word vomit spilled out of me. “I don’t want to do it. I want…”
I want you, Theo Hound.
“I won’t let anything happen to you,” Theo said from behind me. “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe.”
There was a deadly determination in his voice that should’ve comforted me. Instead chills ran up my spine.
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