The second stage of a narcissistic relationship is called the “devaluing phase.” Once a narcissistic person feels more comfortable and that they’ve won you over, they will enter the devaluing phase. All the sudden, the person you are in a relationship with starts to show signs that they aren’t the person you thought they were. I refer to this as the “Jekyll and Hyde” phase. This is when the narcissist’s mask starts to slip. They may make a subtle underhanded comment, or they may say something outright mean and cruel. They may withdraw emotionally and not speak to you or grow cold and distant for a few days for no reason. The devaluing can consist of cruelty, all types of abuse, and withdrawal.
With the flip of a switch, the person who once adored you so much is treating you with contempt and hostility. This can be incredibly confusing, especially for those who have never experienced this type of behavior before. What makes it even more confusing is the narcissist can revert to the ideal partner you fell in love with very quickly. You breathe a sigh of relief because you think the partner you fell in love with is back. You may rationalize or make excuses that they were just having a bad day or a bad week. However, this cycle of emotional abuse continues, often with the dark side becoming more of the norm with few glimpses of the “nice” person. When the “nice” person shows up, it is to keep you around and to give you the glimmer of hope so you will stay.
Part of the agenda in the love bombing phase is that it is another way the narcissist gets supply. If the person the narcissist is pursuing is the most attractive, alluring, and special person, the fact that the narcissist has won this amazing person over affirms to them that they are uniquely special by association. I think this is one of the reasons Chris was so drawn to Shanann in the beginning. In his conversations with Cadle, he describes looking at Shanann’s photo for the first time and thinking she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
In Craig Malkin’s book, Rethinking Narcissism,26 he describes how love bombing can turn to devaluing. “They stop thinking that their partners are the best or most important people in the room because they need to claim that distinction for themselves. And they lose the capacity to see the world from any point of view other than their own. These are the true narcissists, and at their worst, they also display two other traits of a so-called “dark triad”: a complete lack of remorse and a penchant for manipulation.”
A narcissistic person may also play the victim. They may give a sob story of how they were unwanted or unloved as a child or with previous romantic partners. A narcissist will often act like a martyr. Highly empathic people may feel sorry for a narcissist and want to swoop in and save them. Empathic people will think that all the narcissist needs is unconditional love, and then they will be cured. The sad truth is, no amount of unconditional love will be enough for a narcissistic person because they view people as objects that are only there to fulfill their needs. No one else’s needs matter, and a narcissist is almost always incapable of real love.
The final phase in the narcissistic relationship is the “discard” phase. Some people stay in relationships with narcissists for their lifetimes, but many have experienced the discard phase, which feels like the ultimate rejection. When the narcissist no longer has any need for you, or you no longer give them the narcissistic supply they need, they will discard you and want nothing to do with you anymore. The rejection will be completely cold and heartless, and you will be left feeling as if you meant nothing to them. A narcissist may also find a new person from whom they can get supply, and that person will seem more exciting because he or she comes with the thrill of a new relationship. If you’re thinking this sounds like exactly what Chris did to Shanann, Bella, CeCe, and Nico, you’re correct. “Discard” doesn’t even seem to fully describe the enormity of what he did to them.
Most people describe the discard phase as feeling like the rug was pulled out from under them. The narcissist may dump you or leave you, and you may never hear from them again. They often leave their partners for a new relationship and show no remorse or empathy. The combination of years of devaluing and ultimately being discarded cause very serious psychological and emotional damage to the person on the receiving end. When a narcissist is done with you, they truly do not care anymore. It’s almost as if you have the same value as garbage, and you can be discarded as such. People on the receiving end of this take it very personally and believe something is wrong with them. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Something is wrong with the narcissist, and they are incapable of depth of emotion or love.
What can be very confusing about a narcissistic type is that they seem as if they have emotion and empathy. Often, it’s because their displayed kindness and adoration is what attracted you to them in the first place! They seemed more caring and warmer than anyone you had ever met before. This is because narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths are great mimics. Because a narcissist has little self-awareness and sense of self, they must mimic other people’s behaviors and emotions to fit in. Psychopaths can seem even more genuine than “normal” people.27 This is partly because normal people don’t fake emotions all the time, but psychopaths must constantly practice portraying emotions, and they can get really good at it. If you are a person void of empathy, in order to manipulate people and get them to like you, you must become really good at convincing people you are nice, kind, and generous.
What is Chris Watts?
Now that we have taken a deeper look at the pathology of narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths, can we determine if Chris Watts actually is any of these things? Looking at his behavior after the crimes he committed, he certainly had the traits of a psychopathic person: impaired empathy and remorse, criminal behavior (at its worst because he murdered his entire family), pathological lying, manipulative, shallow emotional response, need for stimulation, sexual promiscuity, impulsivity, and failure to accept responsibility. Chris displayed a lot of these traits based on the information that has been made public after the crime occurred. What’s interesting and terrifying about Chris Watts is, arguably he displayed almost none of these traits up until right before he murdered his wife and children.
It’s unlikely we will ever get a functional MRI (fMRI) of Chris Watts’s brain. It is certainly possible that he may have areas in the brain where empathy and emotion are compromised. If that is the case, and he has a brain that makes it difficult for him to empathize or experience genuine human emotion or connection, his environment and circumstances still would have likely played a smaller role in his becoming a murderer. It is important to say that environment and upbringing are not the reasons Chris killed his family. There are many people who have had far worse childhoods than Chris, and none of them resorted to killing their families. This is strong evidence that, although stressful situations and environmental factors could have helped fuel Chris’s murderous tendencies, they are not the reason for it. You must be a deeply disturbed individual to murder your own children, especially in the way Chris chose to do it.
In order to try to make sense of the most senseless crime one can imagine, I will try to construct a theory on what could have potentially gone wrong. First, we need to start in childhood.
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12. Antisocial Personality Disorder.” Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers. Accessed October 25, 2019. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder.
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14. What’s the Single Greatest Danger of Covert Narcissism?” Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers. Accessed October 25, 2019. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201712/what-s-the-single-greatest-danger-covert-narcissism.
15. “The Communal Narcissist: Another Wolf Wearing a Sheep Outfit.” Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers. Accessed October 25, 2019. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201605/the-communal-narcissist-another-wolf-wearing-sheep-outfit.
16. Lee, Rebecca. “The Ties Betwe
en Crime and Malignant Narcissism.” World of Psychology, July 8, 2018. https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-ties-between-crime-and-malignant-narcissism/.
17. “The Narcissistic Self and Its Psychological and Neural ...” Accessed October 25, 2019. https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/111b/26029454e95bf730494ddf88e920a6d93fff.pdf.
18. Schulze, Lars, Isabel Dziobek, Aline Vater, Hauke R. Heekeren, Malek Bajbouj, Babette Renneberg, Isabella Heuser, and Stefan Roepke. “Gray Matter Abnormalities in Patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” Journal of Psychiatric Research. Pergamon, June 15, 2013. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002239561300157X.
19. McAleer, Kelly. “The Brain of a Psychopath: Using FMRI Technology to Detect Brain Abnormalities, Part I.” Psych Central.com, March 27, 2019. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/forensic-focus/2010/03/the-brain-of-a-psychopath-using-fmri-technology-to-detect-brain-abnormalities-part-i/.
20. Luo, Yu L, Huajian Cai, and Hairong Song. “A Behavioral Genetic Study of Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Dimensions of Narcissism.” PloS one. Public Library of Science, April 2, 2014. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3973692/.
21. “What We Get Wrong About the Influence of Parents.” Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers. Accessed October 25, 2019. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201811/what-we-get-wrong-about-the-influence-parents.
22. “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders. Accessed October 25, 2019. http://www.minddisorders.com/Kau-Nu/Narcissistic-personality-disorder.html.
23. Brummelman, Eddie, Sander Thomaes, Stefanie A. Nelemans, Bram Orobio de Castro, Geertjan Overbeek, and Brad J. Bushman. “Origins of Narcissism in Children.” PNAS. National Academy of Sciences, March 24, 2015. https://www.pnas.org/content/112/12/3659.
24. Sedikides, Constantine, and Erica Hepper. “Moving Narcissus: Can Narcissists Be Empathic?” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. Accessed October 25, 2019. https://www.academia.edu/6853822/Moving_Narcissus_Can_narcissists_be_empathic.
25. Stines, Sharie. “What Is Narcissistic Supply?” The Recovery Expert, July 8, 2019. https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2019/02/what-is-narcissistic-supply/.
26. Malkin, Craig. Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists. New York: Harper Perennial, 2016.
27. “Psychopaths Mimic Emotions Very Accurately: Brock Study.” The Brock News, a news source for Brock University. Accessed October 26, 2019. https://brocku.ca/brock-news/2015/03/psychopaths-mimic-emotions-very-accurately-brock-study/.
Chapter 19
“Was I born that way?”
Attachment Theory and Imago
I am a certified Imago Relationship Therapist, and one of the things I pay close attention to is attachment and development in childhood, because it clearly plays a role in how we choose our romantic partners in adulthood. In short, the Imago theory looks closely at the connection between our unmet needs and frustrations in our adult romantic relationships and how they are connected to our childhood experiences with primary caregivers. More on that later.
Before I discuss the Imago theory in depth and how it relates to Chris and Shanann, I want to highlight some key points of what is known as, “attachment theory.”
Attachment theory was born out of the work of psychiatrist John Bowlby and developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, who theorized that there is significant importance placed on the child’s relationship with the mother that affects social, emotional, and cognitive development of the child.
Bowlby’s work with James Robertson observed that, as infants, children experienced intense distress when separated from their mothers. Even if the infant was fed by an alternate caregiver, the infant still experienced anxiety. Of course, this makes sense because for the infant to survive, they need to have an attachment to their mother, the source of food and security.
Bowlby’s theory also believes that all children are born with an innate desire to form attachment to others for survival. He suggests that infants initially form only one primary attachment and need that attachment figure as their secure base for exploring the world. This plays a part in the future of the child, as this primary relationship influences all future social relationships. If things go wrong during the most critical years in attaching (0-5 years old), then serious consequences in relationships can show up later in life.
Most important, a securely attached child will have received warmth, nurturing, attention, and comfort from their primary caregiver. Children who are securely attached feel protected and seen by their caregivers. They know they can rely and depend on them to meet their needs. As children get older, their need to separate from their caregivers intensifies, but they still need the reassurance that they can come back to a reliable caregiver if need be.
In Imago Relationship Theory, no matter how ideal one’s childhood is, no one comes out completely unscathed. In childhood we all eventually develop something called “early wounding.” It is impossible for a child to get all their needs met in childhood, and no matter how great a parent is, all parents are imperfect and cannot meet all the needs of a child. When a child starts to learn that a certain need of theirs cannot be met, they develop adaptations and defenses that are put in place to help them block hurt and “survive.” “Surviving” in our family of origin means developing ways to make life as easy as possible given our circumstances.
Children can develop early wounding at any age. Even babies, as shown by attachment theory, can learn from birth that a primary caregiver cannot meet all their needs. In early childhood, for example, if there is a high conflict household, a child may learn if they stay quiet and do as they are told, they can avoid at least some conflict or punishment.
When we adapt to our environment, we also learn to shut off parts of ourselves we believe are shameful. The messages we receive about ourselves are both overt and subtle, and don’t just come from primary caregivers. They come from everywhere: peers, teachers, people in our community, and the media. Everywhere we turn, we see messages about who we are, how we should act, and how we need to adapt to fit in. For example, if we are told we talk too much, we may become reserved in order to hide the part that we are being told is unacceptable and needs to be repressed. If the family dynamic is to constantly brush problems under the rug and not address them, then the child learns that problems should never be discussed, and they do not learn how to deal with issues in productive ways. The child may not have received these specific messages in verbal words, but the messages are implied and absorbed in actions, nevertheless. Sometimes the subtle and covert messages are more powerful than the explicit ones.
These messages and adaptations carry with us all the way into our adulthood. When we become adults, we don’t remember or can’t access the parts of us that we cut off in childhood. Those parts of ourselves are often connected to our unmet needs and re-accessing them in adulthood is important to our growth and healing. When we are born, we come into the world feeling fully alive. When we can’t fully be ourselves, we lose part of that aliveness and authenticity. Part of our well-being and successful development relies on the extent in which we could be most like our authentic selves in childhood.
Chris Watts in childhood
Chris Watts was described as a quiet, shy, and socially awkward child by those who knew him. From interviews with him, Chris described his childhood as good, and he seemed to believe his needs were generally met by his family of origin. In his prison confession to Grahm Coder, Tammy Lee, and Dave Baumhover, he said his mother Cindy was the more “aggressive” partner in her marriage with his father Ronnie. He described his sister Jamie as a mother figure to him, which makes sense considering she was seven years older. Jamie was always open with him, curious about him, and wanted to know how he felt. Chris said his mother Cindy told him he was “hard to read�
�� as a child, which may point to who he has always fundamentally been since birth. He knew he was different than others, in the sense that he didn’t feel emotions in the same ways as others around him.
Chris looked up to Ronnie and trusted him more than anyone else in the family. Ronnie was an attentive father in the sense that he showed a genuine interest in Chris and his life. Ronnie would show up at all Chris’s sports games, even when Chris wasn’t playing, and they would do bonding activities together, such as going to the racetracks. Chris and Ronnie shared a love of cars, and that was meaningful and important to Chris. His relationship with Ronnie seemed to be the most authentic out of all his relationships and where he felt he could be most like his “real” self. Ronnie was, and still is Chris’s hero.
From Shanann’s perspective, as relayed from her friend in the police discovery documents (and it is unclear whether Chris had explicitly said this to her), it was alleged that Cindy was not a nurturing mother during Chris’s childhood and teen years. Also, in police discovery, Shanann told her friend that Cindy was possessive and controlling of Chris, and that when they moved to Colorado, he was “so ready to get far away from the negativity they place in his life.”
My Daddy Is a Hero Page 20