Shanann, the scapegoat
It’s no surprise that Shanann became a scapegoat for Chris. Even after Shanann died, some people on social media were blaming her for her own death. Some insinuated that Shanann drove Chris to this by being “controlling,” but that takes all accountability off Chris. How does it make sense to excuse a man for killing his family because his wife was dominant? In a world where women and children are physically harmed by men way more than they are by other women, this is another way that validates violence against women and children. In fact, according to Jezebel, “A 2017 study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control showed that out of 100,000 women killed in the United States, over half were killed by an intimate partner, usually current or former husbands and boyfriends; 15 percent of them were pregnant.”33 Violence against women by an intimate partner is more common than one would think, and there is never any excuse for it.
Chris was cheating on his pregnant wife, he murdered his wife and children, pleaded guilty to all charges, and yet some people were trying to find a way to blame Shanann for everything that had happened.
As for the Watts family, at first, denial was a strong defense mechanism for them. In the beginning it was very hard for them to accept what Chris did. It makes sense that they would have an incredibly difficult time accepting what their son was capable of. They were shocked that their son did something so opposite from everything they knew him to be. This was not the person they knew and I’m sure that they never could have imagined something like this happening to them.
When Cindy spoke at his sentencing, where he pleaded guilty and received four consecutive life sentences, she spent most of the time telling her son she forgave him and loved him. The Watts family victim statement did say they did not condone what Chris did, and their lives were irreparably damaged, but even as Chris sat in prison in the first few months, they were looking for ways to exonerate him. It makes sense a parent would want to fight for their child and would have a hard time confronting the idea that their child could commit such horrific acts, but they were having an exceptionally hard time accepting what Chris had done.
Cindy’s initial interviews with the press (which she later came to regret) consisted of finger pointing at Shanann and trying to fight for Chris, even after he told his parents there was a reason he pleaded guilty. After Chris was sitting in jail, he said, “On the phone they (Cindy and Ronnie) still think there’s a chance I could get out. They tell me to fight it. Not every day, on their bad days. My mom loses it a lot. My dad says don’t talk about it. They still believe Shanann killed the girls. They think I was railroaded. I don’t feel like I was pressured.” Cadle has also publicly stated in her exclusive video with The Daily Mail that, “I believe that Cindy Watts hated Shanann so much…that she can’t get past thinking that Shanann killed her own daughters.”
Although both Chris and Cadle have shared that Cindy may believe Shanann killed her daughters, Cindy has not publicly stated that she holds any of these opinions since Chris’ sentencing. At Chris’ sentencing, the victims advocate on behalf of Ronnie and Cindy stated that they believed Chris needed to take responsibility for his actions. The Watts family will have a long and complicated journey with their grieving process. I do believe that the Watts family, at least on some level, has finally accepted what Chris has done. It must be exceptionally painful to have to live with that.
In Cadle’s book, she says, “His (Chris’s) mother doted on him, she was used to having a lot of control in Christopher’s life.” When Chris made his choice to plead guilty and give full confessions to what he had done, it may have been one of the few times Chris controlled his own narrative. It was his decision to plead guilty and his alone. In this case, he would not let anyone else tell him what to do.
Although he has admitted to killing his family in his confessions, he also has a lot of excuses for why he did what he did. Those excuses range from demonic possession, to if he never met Nikki, to if he hadn’t gone to the baseball game with her the night before he killed his family, to if his family hadn’t gone to North Carolina for five weeks, leaving him alone—if these things hadn’t happened, then maybe his family would still be alive, and he wouldn’t be sitting in prison. This is placing the blame on absolutely everyone and everything but himself. Spouses should be able to separate physically for periods of time without having to worry about infidelity and murder.
Ultimately, most of these factors probably contributed to the murders, but Chris alone killed his wife and children and made those choices with his own free will. He drove his children for forty-five minutes in a truck with his dead wife in the vehicle and still chose to violently end their lives and dump their bodies in crude oil tanks.
It is also not surprising that Chris blamed Shanann for everything from an Imago theoretical perspective. Earlier, I discussed how no child emerges from childhood without wounding. Because of our unmet needs and shame about the parts of ourselves that we are told are unacceptable, we develop adaptations and defenses to protect us from feeling the hurt and pain associated with those parts.
Imago theorizes that we are subconsciously drawn to our romantic partners because they possess both the best and worst traits of our primary caregivers who gave us our wounds (this does not necessarily have to be our parents). When we get into conflict with our romantic partners, they are reminding us of our unmet needs and of our primary caregivers. That’s because we are subconsciously trying to heal our childhood wounds through our partners. Finding our “Imago” is finding a person whom we believe can make us “whole” again and restore us to our state of natural aliveness before we experienced our wounding.
For example, one couple I worked with, “Adam” and “Veronica” (I have changed their names to protect anonymity) had deep issues with their primary caretakers that was coming out in a very negative way in their adult relationship together. Adam grew up with a very overbearing mother who was constantly telling him what to feel instead of asking him how he felt. Adam found it easier to just become agreeable and quiet around his mother because it was easier than asserting his needs and opinions with her. Adam admittedly said in therapy that he didn’t even know what he wanted as an adult because he was never given the space to figure out what he wanted for himself as a child. Veronica grew up with a very cold and distant father. He rarely gave her attention and could be very critical toward her. When her parents divorced, her father became even more distant to the point where she barely ever saw him. Veronica developed a deep fear of abandonment, and even the slightest criticism from Adam would trigger that fear.
When Adam and Veronica fought, Adam would shut down and become cold and critical, reminding Veronica of her father. She would become desperately anxious, fearful Adam would abandon her. Her way of dealing with the anxiety was to try to force Adam to connect with her through meltdowns and tears. Because Adam was so unemotional, especially in conflict, she hoped if she showed extreme emotions, she could cause him to react. All she wanted was a reaction from him, because in her mind, that would show her he cared.
However, the meltdowns and tears would remind Adam of his mother and would cause him to shut down and resent Veronica further. Adam was seeking healing in a partner who would give him space and allow him to be himself, and Veronica was always seeking someone unconditionally accepting and available to her. Therapy was a way for them to recognize their power struggle and find ways to work on their relationship. They realized they could be there for each other in a way that would not trigger their deepest childhood wounds and fears but connect them instead.
In the partners we choose, we are also seeking qualities that we don’t have, or the things we lost access to during socialization when we learned to bury parts of ourselves that were once part of our true authentic selves. For example, subdued, laid-back, and introverted Chris was attracted to vibrant, extroverted, and emotional Shanann. In the honeymoon phase of the relationship, Shanann’s
qualities were very attractive to Chris, but as the relationship went on, those qualities in Shanann would trigger Chris and his repressed self. Eventually, he would come to resent Shanann for being too vibrant, extroverted, and emotional. In fact, in Cadle’s book, he seems to criticize Shanann for the dinner parties she liked to throw, and her strong personality, among other things. He ended up feeling inadequate with her, saying, “I felt beneath her. She seemed more accomplished than I am and smarter somehow.” This was a sign that Chris was threatened by her and had a weak ego and sense of self.
As for Shanann, she apparently had told Chris she wanted a man that could take control of things. Although she was attracted to Chris’ laid-back personality in the beginning, she became annoyed with his inability to make decisions as the relationship progressed. She still appreciated Chris’ easy-going personality. It made things easier for her as a wife and a mother. However, there were also parts of that aspect of Chris that had the potential to frustrate Shanann.
It is possible that Chris always let other people take control in his life, which could have led to years of repressed resentment and anger. As stated above, it was said that his mother was “used to having control with him,” and Shanann had told a friend that Chris’s childhood lacked nurturing and Chris couldn’t wait to get far away so he could remove himself from the negativity and possessiveness. Cindy’s mother, with whom Chris spent a lot of time as a child, apparently had a controlling and negative personality. She looked after Chris while his mother worked, and she could have had a larger influence on him than he realized. Chris possibly felt that he didn’t have a lot of autonomy or control in his life, and when he married Shanann he let her take control. However, it is obvious that he didn’t like having other people in control of him, even though he made it seem to everyone else that was what he wanted.
In Imago, we want our partner to make everything better. We teach couples that our partner is not deliberately trying to hurt us, rather they are just stirring up old stuff that we are seeking to heal. Chris wouldn’t have realized if he were subconsciously wrestling with some of his childhood stuff, hoping to one day feel a sense of control over his life.
In Cadle’s book, Chris said he felt like he was able to be himself as a child. In his own words, “My parents never gave me a hard time about being myself.” Maybe he was able to be himself to an extent in childhood. However, it seemed that he developed these people-pleasing traits from a young age and therefore was never stating his needs (if he even knew what his needs were). He thrived off approval and what others thought of him. A lot of the good things he did was probably in hopes of receiving praise from others. He may have also felt invisible and inferior next to vibrant and extroverted Jamie and wished he could feel special and important as well.
Chris has said on multiple occasions that he could never be himself around Shanann and was always nervous around her, even after many years in a relationship with her. Yet he was also drawn to her warm personality and her independent self-sufficiency. Where he was indecisive and “go with the flow,” she was decisive and knew exactly what she wanted. Chris said he was happy to take the role of the laid-back partner while Shanann made the decisions and steered the ship. But despite how he appeared or what he claimed, he wasn’t really happy to do that, and it’s been made abundantly clear by the resentment he had for his wife over the years they were together. Happy or not, their dynamic was what he was used to; he was comfortable with it. Shanann’s opposite personality traits were familiar to him. He was comfortable letting other people call all the shots. With Shanann, he could continue existing the only way he knew how, as a nice guy who never rocked the boat.
The marriage served Chris because he could be the “good guy,” the perfect husband and father, and he could continue to get the validation he was constantly seeking by being useful and helpful. He was also viewed by others as a supportive partner by letting Shanann dominate the relationship. He viewed himself as giving her the ultimate gift of letting her be herself. All the validation he received by being such a great guy could potentially be his “narcissistic supply.” Chris learned that being a people pleaser would give him all the affirmation he felt he deserved. All human behavior serves a purpose. If it didn’t, we wouldn’t do it. Every behavior of Chris’s served a purpose for him. Even if it was maladaptive, it was a means to getting what he wanted.
In his relationship with Shanann, each time Chris felt as if he had to hold himself back or suppress a part of himself, it could have subconsciously triggered the anger that he may have repressed from not acknowledging his needs throughout his lifetime. That was less about Shanann and more about his own issues, but Shanann was the one he was interacting with on a constant basis. She was easy to blame. He wasn’t aware of it, but Chris was most likely angry at everyone he felt had controlled him over the years, and Shanann would bear the brunt of it.
This is probably why his perception of Nikki being the first person to truly respect him made her so alluring to him. He may have subconsciously felt his childhood wounds could be healed, and he could be made whole again with Nikki.
Chris and Nikki were having a lot of sex, and self-professed “Nice Guys” often say that sex is the ultimate validation for them, because it is an area where they feel the most wanted. Chris has said that Nikki pursued him and showed a strong sexual desire for him. This was the first time in his life that a woman pursued him and made him feel wanted and desired in a way he claims he hadn’t felt before. This was intoxicating for him and could have filled him with narcissistic supply.
Eventually, if the relationship with Nikki continued, he would most likely come to resent her as well. Chris’s infatuation with Nikki was shallow. They wouldn’t have ridden off into the sunset happily ever after, even if they had ended up together. Chris had been dating Nikki for a short while. He didn’t know her. There are people who meet and “fall in love” instantly, get married without knowing each other well, and live a long, happy life together. This is pure luck, and it’s awesome when it happens, but it’s not the reality for most people. Romantic love is an illusion, and there is a biological purpose to it.
Helen Fisher, a brilliant anthropologist, has written about the concept of romantic love many times. Her paper, “The Nature of Romantic Love,”34 discusses the work of psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who uses the term, “limerence,” meaning, when another person takes on “special meaning.” In her paper, Fisher says, “Infatuation (the term I often use for attraction, limerence, or ‘being in love’) then develops in specific psychobiological pattern, according to Tennov, beginning with ‘intrusive thinking.’ As the obsession grows, many of Tennov’s informants claimed that they spent from 85-100% of their waking hours thinking about their ‘love object.’ They doted on tiny details of the time they spent together, and they aggrandized trivial aspects of the adored one in a process Tennov calls ‘crystallization.’ Crystallization is different from idealization in that the infatuated person can list the faults of their love object. But the limerent casts these flaws aside and fixates on those characteristics that he or she finds unique and charming.”
What we are doing in the romantic love phase, is projecting what we want the other person to be, not necessarily who they really are. In an interview with Helen Fisher on Elsevier.com,35 she says, “Our brain scanning studies (using fMRI) show that when a person is in love, they exhibit activity in the same brain regions that become active when one is addicted to cocaine and other drugs, including the nucleus accumbens and the ventral tegmental area (VTA), two primitive parts of the brain involved in the production and distribution of dopamine.”
Eventually romantic love wears off, and people are disappointed. It is thought there is an evolutionary purpose to sexual attraction and romantic love. If we are sexually attracted to someone, and then we become obsessed with them, we have a desire to procreate. Romantic love doesn’t last too long in the grand scheme of things, and if you’
re lucky, the romantic love phase turns into partner attachment, which can be much more rewarding and fulfilling. Partner attachment is the deep love you feel for your mate, not the butterflies, but a safe, warm, and content feeling.
Chris clearly didn’t have real attachments to people if all it took was a brief affair for him to decide to murder his pregnant wife and children. Any attachment he was feeling with Nikki would have eventually faded as well, and he would have soon found excuses to start blaming her for his problems. Again, she had replaced his family because she was a new and more intoxicating form of supply for him. He went from devaluing his family to discarding them because of his lack of real attachment to them.
In defense of Shanann
Some people have found Shanann to be controlling and domineering based on videos they have seen of her on Facebook. However, Shanann was merely reacting to Chris and the role he was playing with her since the day they met. He was a grown man and capable of putting his foot down if he felt he was being treated unfairly. If he repressed parts of himself with her, he needed to take charge of that and express what wasn’t working for him. Shanann believed that this was his personality and that he didn’t mind her taking the lead. When Chris flipped the script on her, she didn’t know what to do or think because she only knew one side of him. Their dynamic changed only when he did.
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