by Brown, Tara
I tilt the glass and pour the liquid down my throat, fighting another shudder. The wine never had a chance to breathe.
“You can tell me. It’s been fifteen years—what does the truth matter now?” he asks, standing up straighter and walking to my side of the island.
I step backward, edging away from him until I bump into the sofa and stop.
He doesn’t stop. He moves until he has me trapped and takes the wine glass from my hand, placing it on the coffee table next to us. He’s so close I feel the heat of him, taste him in the air.
He looks down on me, whispering, “Tell me.”
My stomach twists and I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter now.”
“It does. It’s always mattered.” His stare intensifies again. He lifts a hand to my cheek and runs his thumb down it. I close my eyes and lean into it. It’s been so long since someone touched me like that.
But it’s Sam and I can’t do this. I slide to the left and step away. “I can’t do this,” I say.
“Why?” He grabs my hand and spins me. He doesn’t let go. His thumb slides down the center of my palm.
“Please.” I’m not certain if I’m begging for him to continue or stop. He clearly takes it as a sign that I want more. He pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me.
“You feel exactly the same in my arms,” he says.
I lift my face, meeting his stare. He lowers his lips to mine, brushing softly at first. I taste the wine, it’s better the second time around.
His tongue toys with mine as his hands slide up my back, almost massaging.
A moan escapes my lips. It’s adds fuel to the fire and he comes to life, no longer toying or teasing.
Hands are tugging at clothes, mine and his.
I can’t get enough of the feel of his hands on my skin and his lips against mine. His body is hard, firm and muscled. He’s thicker now and I’m all for it.
It’s a blur of staggering and disrobing, and I don’t know how we end up there, but suddenly we’re lying on my bed and he’s over me, hovering with the exact same look on his face as when he was younger.
He smiles, locking our gazes before he kisses me again.
The moment stays with me as we move on from simple glances and subtle smiles. The fire we’ve created is burning hot, and I don’t recall his lovemaking being this good fifteen years ago.
Maybe it’s the wine and lack of food.
Perhaps it’s the history and comfort we have preexisting, even in our awkwardness.
There’s a chance it’s the separation papers on the counter.
Whatever it is, I let loose and take everything I want from the experience. It might be my last chance for months.
And it’s bliss.
Chapter 19
March 18
Bedford, NS
“What do you mean you’re leaving me? I deserve more of an explanation than this.” Rod’s tone is laced with rage, but he’s trying to keep it together as my family arrives at the house with the moving truck I rented.
“I don’t owe you any explanation, Rod,” I say offhandedly as I pack another box of my toiletries from under the sink.
“Is this a joke?”
“No, our marriage apparently is though.” My entire body is tense to the point that I’ve already taken two Advil, and they’re not touching the aching in my neck and shoulders from packing and moving so many boxes. The garage is filled with them. Something Rod noticed as he was leaving for work, which is why he’s here now harassing me.
“I worked late last night, and you decided to pack your things and leave? You need to catch me up, Lilly!” He snaps, “This is absolute bullshit. And cruelty.”
He’s trying to make me the bad guy. But I don’t engage. I shut down all emotion, locking it away and promising to open it up and feel it all later. For now, I need to finish packing.
Liz has the inventory list of furniture and I hear her directing traffic in the living room, telling James and a few of the movers I’ve hired to take the furniture I like. It’s leather and I can wash Rod off of it.
“You owe me something!” Rod looms over me, his presence suddenly menacing.
“No.” I stand and look him in the eyes, wearing boots so we’re the same height, not letting him bully me or twist this into something I’ve done. “I owe you nothing. You know what you did Rod.”
His eyes widen and he puffs his chest, as if letting me know we might be the same height but he’s bigger and stronger. “You’re still on about that Christmas nonsense? Is that why you’ve been so weird these last three months? Everyone has noticed it, how distant you are. Is this because I said no to the cat again? Or because I don’t want to have kids yet? Fuck, we can have the conversation if that’s what you really want.”
“This is nothing to do with anything but you and Elaine. Where do you think your phone went in Cancun, Rod?” I ask, narrowing my gaze and bluffing like a mutha-freaking master. It’s the biggest lie I have ever told. “I bet you’re thinking about that stupid app for cheating right now.” I haven’t given him the file folder I made. I’m waiting for Brent to finish with his lawyers. Something he’s been updating me on hourly.
Rod steps back, shaking his head. “You’re crazy. Search my phone.” He pulls it out for me to check.
“I don’t need to. I’m done. So, you can sit here and monitor my packing to ensure I don’t steal any of your precious golfing trophies, or you can go to work and let me finish leaving you.”
“You’re not leaving me!” It’s threatening and my smug confidence vanishes, replaced by fear.
“Dad!” I call, trying not to let my voice waver with the terror washing over me. This is unexpected. I knew he would be angry, but I didn’t think he would be this threatening. “Dad!” I say louder. My voice wavers this time.
“Yeah?” Dad calls from the hallway.
“Can you come get these boxes?” I ask Dad.
“This isn’t over, Lil.” Rod sneers and turns on his heel, storming out of the bathroom. My knees buckle as my father walks in.
“You okay?” he asks.
“Yup,” I say and try to catch my breath. The front door slams so hard the house shakes. I assume Rod is gone for the day now.
“Narcissists, right?” Dad jokes and we both laugh though the uneasiness is obvious. “Let’s get this over with, kid.” He takes the box I’ve packed and leaves me there to calm down.
It takes a minute, but I get my wits about me again and finish the box I was working on. I have one last look of the master bathroom to ensure I haven’t forgotten anything. The level of apprehension grows as I finish each room and take my last look.
When we get to the garage and I’m packing my final item, a bag of tools my father gave me fifteen years ago, my chest is so tight I can hardly draw breath. My fingers shake as I place it in the back of the moving truck.
“Hey, that doctor who lives next door wanted me to thank you for saving his TV,” James says as he hurries up the truck ramp after me. “He said he was impressed you tied the door shut. I can’t believe someone would try to steal from there. It’s such a nice building.”
“I was shocked too. How did they get into the building?”
“Someone left the maintenance door open in the basement near the dumpster where a massive box for a TV with the apartment number on it was sitting.” He winces.
“What an idiot. Who leaves the box with their address in the alley?”
“Yeah, I don’t think he’ll do it again.”
“It was insane. I just saw Brent and then that happened.” I laugh bitterly. “This whole month is insane.”
“The year is insane. And I don’t think she’s done with us yet,” he mutters and glances at Liz. There’s worry in his stare. I wonder if she has been having spotting like she did last pregnancy. She ended up on bed rest. It was awful.
The moment of worry flashes in his eyes and then it’s gone as he offers me a smile. There’s strength in it. He wraps an
arm around my shoulders and turns me to look back at the house. “It’s just a house, Lil. I sell them all the time. Home is in your heart. A place I don’t think Rod has lived for a long time.” He places a soft kiss on the side of my head.
The words heal as much as they hurt. But he’s right. This house has never been my home. Even if I didn’t know it at the time.
“Ready?” Liz asks as she walks in with my Swiffer and mop.
“Let’s leave those,” I say, taking them from her. “They smell like this house.” I place them back in the garage and turn away from the house, eyeing the truck. “I’m ready.” I put my keys to the doors on the work bench Rod doesn’t use and walk out, closing the garage with the keypad on the outside.
The door touches down on the ground, closing a chapter of my life.
I’m moving from three thousand square feet to fourteen hundred and I’ve never been so excited.
I get into Helen and start her up. It’s a long start because she hates the cold. But her engine revs a little louder, almost as if she’s agreeing with me as we drive away. I look in the rearview mirror once and say goodbye to the house.
I finally understand the word “bittersweet.”
It’s exactly how I feel.
And as I drive away, heading for the city and my new life, the sweet gets stronger and the bitterness stays back in Bedford. A feeling I enjoy more and more the further away from it I get.
Chapter 20
March 28
My phone vibrates, startling Romeo who is in bed next to me.
I tap accept on the Facetime call to see my sister’s smiling face. “Hey,” I say, trying not to stare at the puffiness of her face. She has two months to go and these months always prove to be the hardest for her. She’s on bed rest and no doubt a handful for poor James.
“Hi.” The fake smile lasts a minute before she’s sobbing. The words and tears and heaves all mix so I have no idea what she’s saying.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, trying not to get worked up. This is going to be something crazy like she can’t find the one cereal bowl she likes.
“James—no—doctor—ice cream!”
“James and the doctor have said no more ice cream?” I guess.
“I—need—it! I can’t—I can’t do this!”
“Put James on.”
She cries louder and the phone moves all over, taking video of random things like the ceiling, bedding, a cat, and a kid’s shoe.
A moment later, James takes the phone and holds it up. He grins but I can see it. He’s getting close to the edge. Being home, locked down, two kids, pregnant wife, pets, and work has likely brought him close to the edge.
“How close to The Shining are we talking?” I ask.
“You know that scene in The Witches of Eastwick where that lady is puking cherries and ranting like a psychopath and the husband gets a fire poker and says let’s call it a day?” He waggles his eyebrows, making me chuckle.
“What’s going on?”
“She’s not allowed any more of the Ben & Jerry’s. I got her some ice cream that’s a diet one. Basically, I’ve called her fat, am likely having an affair, and she wants a divorce,” he says. It would be a shocking statement in any other relationship, but she’s dramatic and weekly divorce requests have stopped being taken seriously.
“How are the kids?”
“They’ve become the Lost Boys from Peter Pan. I’m essentially Hook. Liz is Nanny, the dog. It’s chaos.”
“It’s been a week of lockdown. How can it be this bad already?” I am dying laughing and not bothering to hold back. Romeo makes a perturbed face as I’m disturbing his slumber.
“Seven days in adult time means this has gone on for years in kid time. Last week we started online schooling Quinn with his teacher. Do you have any idea what it’s like to online school a kindergartener? The Zoom meetings he has every morning have started giving me hives. If I hear his teacher tell that Anton kid to stop picking his nose once more, I’m driving to Anton’s house.” He sounds as crazy as his eyes suggest he is. “We’re just lucky this week is spring break and today is ten degrees. The kids have played outside some.”
“Would it help if she came to stay with me? Or would it be worse?”
Hope spreads across his face. “You would take her?”
“Well, I’m not keeping her. You’d have to find someone that’s never met her for that to happen. But she could stay with me for a bit. Maybe give you a little break. Why don’t you see if Mom and Dad will take the kids, and focus on work for the week?”
“Can I bring her tomorrow morning?” he asks, desperation coating the words.
“I’ll meet you downstairs in the morning. She’ll be fine here. I haven’t seen anyone except Shawnee and Sam. And not often. I get my groceries delivered. I’m washing them all with Lysol. She will be safe here.” I try to reassure him.
“I love you. Just know that.” He nods and I’m worried he might cry.
“Okay, put her back on the phone.”
The screen does the weird shifting thing again and I’m face-to-face with my sister. “Hi.” She sniffles.
“Hi. So I told James I want you to come here and stay with me. I think you need a week away from the kids and him. Just come here and relax. It’s quiet. It’ll be good for you and the baby.”
She starts to cry but this time they’re happy tears.
“Okay, good. I’ll see you tomorrow. First thing. I love you.”
She waves and wipes her nose and the call disconnects.
My phone instantly rings again with another Facetime. It’s from Brent. He’s beaming when the phones connect.
“Hey,” I say happily.
“Hey, I wanted you to meet Bear. My new boy. I decided to get a dog so the Covid quarantine wouldn’t be so lonely.” He puts the phone at an angle for me to see the big white polar bear of a dog in the yard with him.
“Oh my God,” I gush. “He is so cute. Look at all that fluff.”
“He’s a Maremma. He’s so good. He got right into the truck. I wanted a dog for so long but Elaine hates animals. And I can’t manage a puppy. I’m too busy. Isn’t he perfect?”
“He is. Text me some weekend when the parks open, and I’ll meet you guys for a social-distance walk. Congratulations.” I smile wide.
“Thanks, Lil. I’m pretty pumped. We will call you about a walk. Chat soon?”
“Okay. Bye. Bye Bear.” I wave and the call disconnects.
I don’t know what it is, Brent or the pets we’ve both adopted or the fact I’ve hooked up with Sam, but something makes me nostalgic. A mood that always leads to a dark path. And like an addict, I open Facebook and creep Elaine and Rod. She has unfriended me now but Rod hasn’t. He’s cleaned out his pictures of us and the new ones are of him drinking at bars and in Mexico.
He doesn’t seem to have many photos of her now. Which is weird.
Her profile is locked up and I can’t see what she has.
I wonder if that’s a positive thing.
Maybe God is looking out for me.
Romeo and I snuggle and watch people walking about. They’re wearing light clothing and smiling into the sun.
It’s funny how the outdoors becomes such a haven when everything else is stripped away.
Chapter 21
March 28
Downtown Halifax
I leave the apartment building to walk to the store with my mask on and hand sanitizer at the ready. A man in a mask waits outside in the courtyard.
“Hey, Lilly!” he shouts and jogs over to me.
“Brent?” I ask.
“Yeah, you probably didn’t recognize me with the mask. So crazy we all wear these now.” We move like we might hug or something but the Covid and the social distancing stops us. The news has worsened over the last ten days.
“How’s it with the lawyers? You haven’t texted in a few days. I thought maybe you were taking some time.” I offer him my foot to shake awkwardly which brings us both
more joy than it should.
“It’s all right, ya know. Our legal separation has been sent to her. Now that she realizes she’s getting next to nothing out of me financially, she is hitting with low blows. Had no trouble confessing they were having an affair for fifteen years, and she fucked him on our wedding night. I can’t even fathom that.” He stares at me, exhausted and older than I’ve seen him look. “They were having an affair at our weddings. Like who does that?”
“I don’t know,” I say but the news stabs me in the heart. The whole fifteen years? “Why marry us if they were carrying on?”
“I don’t know.” He walks over to the concrete bench in the courtyard and sits. I stay standing, preferring the distance between us for health safety. “So many things are clicking in though. I’ve caught them both in lies. He would say something offhand about being with me as an alibi, and I wouldn’t know what the hell he was talking about. I would just back him up, ya know? Bros before hos. Like in college.” He offers a sorrowful grimace. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine.” And it’s not the first time I’ve heard that saying.
“He was using me as a fucking alibi while it was my wife he was with. That piece of shit.” He runs his hand through his thick dark hair. “She’s living in your house—Elaine is. I had to send the separation papers there. Thought it was a joke when I saw the address for her, but I guess not.”
“Really?” I can’t believe they didn’t even wait two weeks before moving in together.
“Yeah, I drove past there last night. They were at the dinner table, eating and laughing and I wanted to—” He pauses and smirks. “I shouldn’t say what I was thinking.”
“Brent, I’m terribly sorry this happened. But they don’t deserve one more minute of our time. The only thing they deserve is each other. Eventually, they’ll have an affair on each other. It’s who they are. They’re terrible people who lie and sneak and thrive off the excitement,” I say all the things Shawnee and Liz have been saying to me. “And this will bore them. And when it does, they’ll stray. And break each other’s hearts.”