by Brown, Tara
“Fine.”
He squeezes once more and steps back. “And I won’t lie, I’m excited your sister isn’t in your bed now.” He winks and walks away. Leaving me grinning like a prize idiot. Since we started having sex, it’s really all I think about.
I close the door and immediately get back to stressing about Liz’s scheduled C-section. Romeo rubs himself on my ankles so I bend and give him scratches.
My phone vibrates and I dive at the table where it sits. Romeo scatters, scared from the burst of movement from me.
“Ahhh!” I scream as I answer the Facetime from James. “Hi!”
“Hey,” he says. His face if puffy and his eyes are red like he’s been crying. “She’s awesome. She’s totally fine.”
A massive exhale leaves my lips.
“They are waking her up and she’ll be with us soon. Liz is totally okay. They tied her tubes while they were in there. So it took longer.” He moves the phone to a weird glass case. “And this is Lillian Severson Greenwood.” He zooms in on the baby inside. “She’s healthy, seven pounds, all the fingers and toes and good stuff.”
“Oh my God.” I begin to cry and not just because they have named her after me.
“She’s in this case because they’re giving her a minute. Her heart rate was a bit high and it rose when I touched her. So they are resting her in here to make sure she stays calm.” He brings the phone back to himself. “She’s perfect. I wish you could be here.”
“Me too.” I sniffle. “I’m so excited for you guys. She’s lovely.”
“She is.” He starts to cry. “This is hard doing it isolated.” His confession brings more tears to my eyes. “But thanks for getting Sam to stop in. It was nice having someone to talk to.”
“I wish I could be there.”
“Me too.”
“Can you Facetime me when Liz is there? I’d love to see her face,” my voice cracks.
“Of course. You know she will be desperate to talk to you. You’re her best friend.”
We both cry.
“I love you,” I mutter and wipe my face.
“Love you too. I better Facetime the parents and my brother. Talk soon.” He ends the call, leaving me nodding and sobbing. I’m a mess. I text Shawnee that it went well and baby Lillian is stunning.
She sends bouquets and hearts and says she will be here soon. Anthony is dropping her off.
Maybe because it’s a finale of something, the end of Liz’s tumultuous pregnancy, my mind drifts through my previous life-altering months.
November, Liz found out she was pregnant. An accidental baby. She was upset at first but James did all the things that amazing partners do. He convinced her this was a blessing and obviously someone was missing from their family.
December had been a whirlwind before Helen ratted out Rod’s ass and the accident occurred.
I spent January recovering.
February, I got my life partner, Romeo. He lifts his face from where he’s settled in on the window seat. As if he knows I’m thinking about him.
March, Sam and I had crazy sex. That memory makes my cheeks flush with heat.
April was the start of problems, Rod outing me to Sam and Liz’s pregnancy issues.
And now it’s May, six months later, and the landscape of my life couldn’t be more different than it was in November.
An accident.
A separation.
A plague.
A new life.
An old flame.
I’m pretty sure I’m one murder away from being a Shakespeare protagonist.
The scary part is I know exactly which character I would kill off. Six months later and I wouldn’t blink before pointing the finger of death at Rod.
There is something to that old saying about hell hath no fury. I wonder if I will hate him for the rest of my life. It seems like a waste of energy, and yet I have come to the realization that those pain-tinted eyes I saw the world through on Christmas Day, have stuck with me more than I expected. Sam is great and he’s always been built up in my head as the one that got away. But the cold reality is I like hanging out and having sex and being here. I don’t want this relationship to become anything but that. I can’t imagine trusting someone that way again.
I decide, in that moment, maybe I will slow things down with Sam.
Focus on myself.
Move the hell on from the agony of the last year and let go.
Not for Rod or Sam but for me.
Chapter 31
May 13
Shawnee and I pace the dining room of my apartment, circling the table and chairs. It’s bright and sunny and the perfect day to have a baby. If only someone would call us and tell us Liz has had the baby.
The lack of news from James is painful.
My phone vibrates and we both dive at it, but it’s a GIF from my dad about being patient and going crazy.
“Not helpful, Brian,” Shawnee snaps.
I walk to the freezer and pull out one of the cartons of Ben & Jerry’s left over from Liz’s stash. It’s Cherry Garcia, a favorite of mine. I hand Shawnee a spoon and we hover.
“This isn’t Covid safe,” she says as she eats it.
“No. But you drank out of my water bottle yesterday, so I’m assuming if you’re sick, I already am too.”
“Shit, did I?”
“Yeah. We’re not amazing at this.”
“Nope. I don’t think it helps that we have no cases. I’m sort of half respecting it.”
“That’s not safe.”
Our tones have not changed from agonizingly bored throughout the conversation.
“Anthony is better than I am. He called me an ‘old millennial’ and said I was part of the problem.” She laughs.
“Old millennial? Damn.”
“His mom hit him with a wooden spoon. Cracked him right in the arm.” There is mischief in her stare. “She likes me better than him. He argues with everything she says.”
“Yeah, but didn’t you say he and your dad ignored you for two hours straight while they bromanced?”
Shawnee loses the smile. “Wow. You couldn’t let me have that one, huh?”
“Gotta keep you humble. Otherwise, the fame goes right to your head.” I shrug and take more ice cream.
“Whatever. Dick.” She laughs. “Speaking of things that go right to your head, what is going on with you and Sam? I still can’t believe he lives across the hall.”
“Me either. It’s awkward. We had wine that one evening and we flirted a bit and told each other our sad stories, and he accused me of ruining both our lives.” I sigh. “Which is fair. And then I kind of ran out of the apartment, fleeing as it were. And we haven’t run into each other since.”
“I don’t understand why you broke up with him in the first place. Yeah, he was moving away. That sucks. But you could have made it work.” She takes another big bite of ice cream. It’s finally soft enough to properly scoop. “I always thought he was your person. Always.”
My throat tightens and my heart aches.
“I fucked it up,” I say, offering nothing else. She will lose her mind if she finds out the truth.
“Maybe this is your second chance.” She’s hopeful that since she found love I might too.
“Second chances are something you only get in Christmas movies where the snow is falling, the bells of the church are ringing, and the year is ending. So you feel like maybe there’s hope that you can fix it or start fresh with the new year. Holiday magic is in the air,” I joke but she is in love. She’s a believer now.
My skeptical, single, travel-obsessed friend may never recover from this, and I couldn’t be happier for her.
But that is not how my story ends.
I motion at Romeo on the window seat. “That is the man for me. He’s adorable, fluffy, doesn’t talk except to meow for food or snuggles, and he is independent. You’ve never seen a happier face than when I get home from being out. It’s true love.”
She laughs again
but we are interrupted. Finally, my phone vibrates with a call. I dive at the table where it sits.
“Ahhh!” I scream as I answer the Facetime from James. “Hi!”
“Hey,” he says. His face is puffy and his eyes are red like he’s been crying. “She’s awesome. She’s totally fine.”
A massive exhale I didn’t realize I was half holding leaves my lips. “Oh thank God.”
“They are waking her up and she’ll be with us soon. But I wanted you to know Liz is totally okay. They tied her tubes while they were in there. So it took longer.” He moves the phone to a weird glass case. “And this is Lillian Severson Greenwood.” He zooms in on the baby inside.
“God, they named her after you,” Shawnee gushes quietly.
“She’s healthy, seven pounds, all the fingers and toes and good stuff,” James sounds smitten.
“Oh my.” I begin to cry and not just because they have named her after me. Shawnee joins me. We grip each other and sob.
“She’s in this weird case because they’re giving her a minute. Her heart rate was a bit high and it rose when I touched her. So they are resting her in here to make sure she stays calm.” He brings the phone back to himself. “She’s perfect. I wish you guys could be here.”
“Me too.” I sniffle. “I’m so excited for you both. She’s lovely.”
“She is.” He starts to cry. “This is hard having a baby in isolation.” His confession brings more tears to my eyes.
“We wish we could be there.”
“We do,” Shawnee agrees.
“Can you Facetime us when Liz is there? We’d love to see her face,” my voice cracks.
“Of course. You know she will be desperate to talk to you guys. You’re her best friends.”
We all cry.
“I love you,” I mutter and wipe my face.
“I love you too. Kiss that baby for me when you’re able,” Shawnee says.
“Love you too. I better Facetime the parents and my brother. Talk soon.” He ends the call to us nodding and sobbing.
We cling to each other and cry. And not all the tears are happy. A couple of them that fall are frustration. A few are anger. And maybe one or two are from the resignation that this is life now. Life that has no end in sight.
I will have to quarantine for two straight weeks in my house. Drive to my sister’s house to see Lillian and Liz. Stay for the day, suck up as many baby kisses as I can, and then leave. And until Covid is gone, that will be my life.
And we’re all healthy and safe, so I can’t even complain about it.
Even if I want to.
Chapter 32
August 30
Lunch at my sister’s, watching the kids in the yard running and screaming, almost convinces me that we are living in a normal moment. Or that it’s been a normal year.
“Sorry again, we can’t do dinner tonight. Sam’s going to help me disassemble my office,” I say, taking the baby from Liz. “Oh my God, look at those cheeks. Look how chubby you’re getting.” I nuzzle my face in and give baby Lillian kisses. She smells divine.
“That’s okay.” Liz doesn’t sound like it’s okay. “You hanging with Sam instead of me is always forgiven.”
“How is she so cute? It almost makes me want one,” Shawnee says as she brushes the choppy blonde hair out of Lillian’s eyes.
“Lilly bean,” Liz coos. “Are you going to kickstart Aunty Shawnee’s uterus into something useful?” Lillian smiles when she hears my sister’s voice. She barely knows Shawnee and me. This is my fourth visit and Shawnee’s second.
Nova Scotia has been open for the summer, no restrictions on anything due to hardly any cases, but we are careful about her.
“I think we all know my uterus might as well not even be here.” Shawnee waves a hand over her stomach. “It serves no purpose. And never will.”
“You can’t say that.” Liz scoffs. “You and Anthony have been seeing each other for a few months now. It could get serious and he might say he wants kids. He’s what, thirty in November?”
“He doesn’t want kids. As cute as our kids would be, we both agree that isn’t our path.” Shawnee is firm in this. Something I respect her for.
“And what about you and Sam? Granted, he can’t have kids but surely you guys might want to try another route?”
“No.” The answer is short and sweet and decidedly lacking in detail. I don’t want to admit to them that I’m not sure I will ever have kids, though once upon a time I desperately wanted them. A small part of me knows in getting together with Sam I have resigned myself that if this becomes a proper relationship, kids might not happen. And even if it were to happen, it can’t happen now. I’m still recovering from the accident and stress and changes in my life. The headaches and dizzy spells are less frequent but still there.
“Why not?” Liz asks.
“We’re not at that stage,” I lie with an uncomfortable expression, desperate not to talk about it. “We’ve only been seeing each other for a couple of months and it’s casual.” I almost tell them it’s fragile still.
“I feel that. Same for us. It’s mostly chilling at home because traveling is a massive risk even with the Atlantic bubble.” Shawnee laughs. “I think most of us in new Covid relationships will have a weird time when the world opens back up. You’ve never really taken your significant other into the outside.”
“And with him being a doctor, I can’t imagine he will spend much time out in the world until there’s a vaccine.” I don’t add that my trust issues have hindered my letting the relationship go beyond comfy clothes and movies and meals at home. I like what we have, it’s small and kind of secretive. We don’t have dinner with other people. We don’t go to parties. We stay in the tiny bubble we’ve blown up around ourselves and the fit is nice.
A bubble Covid has made possible.
It’s the one perk I’ve found in the chaos and uncertainty.
He doesn’t talk about his friends or try to introduce me to them. I don’t have to bring him to work functions and try not to stare at Elaine and Rod. This bubble has been a blessing.
“You’re back to work in the office tomorrow?” Liz asks me, maybe getting the hint I don’t want to discuss kids or relationships.
“Yeah, it’s why I’m here now. If I am back in the office, I won’t be able to see you guys really. Social-distance outdoor gatherings only.” The admission is heartbreaking. I lift Lillian and kiss her chubby cheek. “I won’t be able to quarantine and see you guys.”
“I guess not.” Liz furrows her brow. “This summer has flown by but the real worry starts in the fall. Bad weather driving everyone inside and kids back at school.”
“That must be exciting knowing no more homeschooling?” I ask.
“James looked insane in June when he was finishing off the last of the Zoom classes,” Shawnee says in a low voice so he can’t hear us.
“Insane,” Liz whispers. “I’ll miss this though. I am so done with this plague.”
“Me too,” Shawnee says. “I can’t wait for this to all be over. I’m running out of things to photograph in Nova Scotia.”
“Whatever.” I roll my eyes. “We all know you’re loving the fact you can’t travel right now so you can spend all your time with Anthony.”
Shawnee’s cheeks flush and she presses her lips together, not admitting to anything.
“I can’t believe you’re both in these relationships and you’re getting away with not doing all the normal relationship stuff. No meet the parents. Or have the friend dinner so everyone can form an opinion. No work functions.”
“It’s not terrible,” Shawnee says with a shrug.
“And neither of you talked at all about where this is going?” Liz goes back to the forbidden topic of long term.
“No.” The mention of this becoming serious makes my stomach hurt. Even with Sam. The idea of leaving my small apartment to live with another human being is terrifying. I had intended on spending the summer getting over my Rod-ind
uced relationship fears. But all I’ve really done is confirm I like my life how it is.
“Shawnee—you, I can see taking it slow. You and Anthony don’t know each other. But Lil, it’s Sam. You guys have so much history.” Liz waggles her eyebrows. “Surely, that speeds things up a touch.”
I contemplate lying but am pretty sure she’ll see through it. “I don’t think I can do a real relationship right now. I have had the last eight months to spend a lot of me time, and one thing I have discovered is I am in no rush. Even with Sam. And truthfully, I think he feels the same way. He hasn’t said it, but I get the impression there won’t be any moving in together or that sort of stuff.”
“Why can’t you do a real relationship?” Shawnee asks. She and Liz share the same blank stare.
“I’m not even divorced yet—”
“You can’t possibly be hung up on that loser, Rod?” Shawnee bursts.
“God no, but what if Sam does the same thing? You know, right now this is casual. I guess if he were to date someone else behind my back, I’d be crushed, but I haven’t put all my eggs in the basket. So only a few would be destroyed.”
“That’s not a life, Lil. It’s not living.” Liz closes her eyes for a second as though trying to absorb what I’ve said. “You can’t only give away a tiny portion of your heart in case he breaks it. Love is a risk, sure, but not as much of one when you choose a person who is worthy of you.” She reaches forward and places a hand on my arm where Lillian is cradled.
“I agree, Lil. Sam and Rod couldn’t be more different,” Shawnee says.
“I know. I’m just not ready.” I regret telling them my truth.
“Well, don’t let this opportunity pass you by because you’re scared. You’ve pined after this guy for fifteen years—”
“Sixteen,” Liz corrects Shawnee.
“Sixteen years. This is your chance. Not taking it is cowardly.”
“Maybe.” I fake a smile. I hate talking about this.
“On that depressing note, we have to get going. You need some rest, Liz. James said you guys are getting no sleep right now. And I have an outdoor wedding that consists of twenty-two people from the original two hundred that it was supposed to be. I can’t imagine cutting that guest list. It must have been some Game of Thrones level of slaughter.”