Tense your neck. Slowly count to ten as you keep your neck muscles tense. Relax while slowly counting to twenty.
Tense your jaw, but try not to grind your teeth as you do this. Slowly count to ten as you keep your jaw tensed. Relax while slowly counting to twenty.
Tense your cheeks and lips. Slowly count to ten as you keep them tense. Relax while slowly counting to twenty.
Tense your eyes and forehead as if you were frowning. Slowly count to ten as you keep them tense. Relax while slowly counting to twenty.
Tense your ears. This may feel like stretching the skin back from the front of your head. Slowly count to ten as you keep them tense. Relax while slowly counting to twenty.
If you feel that you haven’t experienced enough of an effect, repeat the exercise, starting at the top of your head and working your way back down through the same sequence. Pay close attention to each muscle group along the way on both sides of your body.
When you’re ready, gently open your eyes. Wiggle your fingers and toes. Gently roll your body over to one side if you are lying down. Get up slowly.
After completing the PMR body scan, mark your stress level on the line below (or on a scale drawn on a separate piece of paper).
Your stress may not disappear completely, but any relief will be helpful. Sometimes people who don’t notice much benefit from PMR right away begin to do so with repeated practice. As with sitting mindfulness, regular practice increases your skill with PMR, and the benefits.
It may feel strange to deliberately tense and release different parts of your body like this, but part of the benefit of this technique is that it teaches you to consciously control tension in the body, rather than letting it happen only automatically. Even more helpful is being able to consciously and deliberately—mindfully—apply the antidote to tension all over your body, one part at a time, in a healing wave of relaxation.
practice: Passive Muscle Relaxation
Passive muscle relaxation is similar to PMR but doesn’t include the component of tensing the muscles. Instead, it involves visualizing your body in detail and relaxing each part as you work your way up. This can be particularly helpful if you, like most people who suffer from prolonged grief, tend to have a lot of aches and pains, in addition to muscular tension.
First, ask yourself how tense and stressed you feel. On the line below (or on a scale drawn on a separate piece of paper), mark your current stress level.
Find a quiet, comfortable place to practice, and make sure you use the bathroom before beginning. For this practice, it’s best to lie down, with your hands at your sides if that’s comfortable for you. Again, this practice is done with eyes closed, and you may wish to read over the entire technique first so you don’t have to refer to the book repeatedly as you practice.
To begin, focus your awareness on your breath. Feel the air enter your body, guided by the rising of your belly. Feel the air being eased out as your belly falls.
Do this three times, then close your eyes.
Bring to mind a soothing color. It can be white, yellow, blue, or any color that’s soothing for you.
Imagine that this color is in a ball at the soles of your feet. Spend some time feeling the light from this ball shining in the room. Imagine that this light radiates relaxation and well-being.
Imagine this light entering your body through the tips of your toes, feeling your toes relaxing.
Imagine the light traveling up into the balls of your feet and radiating down into your heels, and then into your ankles. Imagine your feet being filled with relaxing light, perhaps feeling a bit heavier.
Imagine the light traveling through your shins and calves, relaxing your muscles as it goes. Moving slowly upward, imagine the light relaxing your knees, your thighs, up through your groin, and into your hips and your pelvis, relaxing all of the muscles along the way.
Imagine this relaxing light beginning to travel up your back, relaxing your spine and then your ribs. Feel the contact between your back and the surface beneath you.
Imagine the relaxing light bathing all of the internal organs in your belly, relaxing even deeper as your awareness moves from your bladder and intestines, up through your liver on the right side of your abdomen, and then up through your stomach and kidneys.
Imagine this light infusing and relaxing your lungs and growing brighter as you belly breathe.
Imagine your heart pumping this relaxing light through every blood vessel in your body.
Imagine the light filling and relaxing your chest.
Now imagine that the relaxing light enters your body through the tips of your fingers on both hands. Imagine it slowly moving upward through your hands and wrists, relaxing the muscles as it moves. Feel it moving upward, relaxing your forearms and elbows. Imagine it continuing to move upward, relaxing the muscles all the way up to your shoulders.
Imagine that the light relaxes your neck and your throat, and then your chin and jaw. Imagine the light relaxing your cheeks, your tongue, and your nose. Feel it infusing and relaxing your eyes and eyelids, then your ears, then your forehead, and finally up through the top of your head.
Now imagine that the light has filled your entire body. Feel the light growing more relaxing with each breath. Sense it getting brighter with each breath—each time you inhale, each time you exhale.
Now imagine that the light begins to travel down through the top of your head, rejuvenating you, sweeping away all stress and tension, and wiping away any physical discomfort or pain. Imagine that all that is left in the place of any unpleasant physical sensation is relaxation and light.
Imagine your head and face being loosened, relaxed, and refreshed as the light moves down; then imagine your neck and shoulders being wiped clean of any tension or stress.
Imagine your chest, back, and all the bones and organs of your torso being relaxed, rejuvenated, and refreshed as the light moves down.
Feel it loosening and rejuvenating your shoulders, then your upper arms, and then your forearms. Imagine the light slowly moving down into your wrists and then your hands, loosening and rejuvenating them.
Imagine the light infusing your hips and pelvis, wiping them clean of any stress and tension.
Moving slowly down through your legs, imagine your thighs, your knees, and then your lower legs being relaxed, rejuvenated, and refreshed as the light moves farther down.
Imagine your ankles, your heels, and your feet being loosened up, all the way down through your toes.
Now imagine that the light goes back into a ball underneath your feet. The light is as bright as the sun. Know that it is there any time you need it. All you need to do to access this wonderful, natural feeling of relaxation is to breathe through your belly, become aware of the light beneath your feet, and feel it infuse your body.
Be aware of how your body feels as you rest in this relaxed state.
If you feel that you haven’t experienced enough of an effect, repeat the exercise. Pay close attention to each muscle group along the way on both sides of your body.
When you’re ready, gently open your eyes. Wiggle your fingers and toes. Gently roll your body over to one side. Get up slowly.
After completing the passive body scan, mark your stress level on the line below (or on a scale drawn on a separate piece of paper).
practice: Variations of Body Scans
Several techniques can make body scan practices even more powerful. These are based largely on the passive muscle relaxation technique. Some use specific colors of light, such as white, yellow, or green. Some people feel that different colors of light have different healing properties. If you feel that one color works better for you than others, feel free to use it repeatedly.
The following is a variation of a body scan that uses a healing visualization to restore a sense of relaxed balance in your body.
Before you begin, ask yourself how tense and stressed you feel. On the line below (or on a scale drawn on a separate piece of paper), mark your current stre
ss level.
Find a quiet, comfortable place to practice, and make sure you use the bathroom before beginning. For this practice, it’s best to lie down, with your hands at your sides if that’s comfortable for you. Again, this practice is done with eyes closed, and you may wish to read over the entire technique first so you don’t have to refer to the book repeatedly as you practice.
To begin, take three deep belly breaths. Close your eyes.
Imagine a disk shining beneath your feet. Imagine this disk has the power to heal, to scrape away any tension and stress and leave only relaxation, healing, and well-being behind. It’s like a laser beam especially designed to heal your body. You can imagine that as the disk moves up your body, it’s like an X-ray that can reveal the inner workings of each part of your body, finding out what’s wrong and restoring you back to optimal health.
Imagine that the disk illuminates and scans your feet, wiping away any tension or stress. Imagine your feet feeling relaxed and restored to complete health.
Imagine the disk scanning through your shins and calves, healing and relaxing your muscles and your bones as it goes.
Moving slowly upward, imagine the disk illuminating and healing your knees, your thighs, up through your groin, and into your hips and pelvis, relaxing and healing all of the muscles and bones along the way.
Imagine the disk illuminating, healing, and relaxing all of your internal organs, restoring each of them to a state of optimal health and well-being.
Imagine this healing disk beginning to travel up your back, illuminating, healing, and relaxing your spine and ribs, and then your lungs and heart.
Now imagine that this healing disk illuminates your fingers on both hands. Imagine it slowly moving upward through your hands and wrists, healing all of the muscles, bones, and tendons. Feel it moving upward, healing your forearms and elbows. Imagine it continuing to move upward, healing the muscles and bones all the way up to your shoulders.
Next, imagine that the disk heals and relaxes any tension along your neck and throat, and then your chin and jaw. Imagine the disk illuminating your face, healing and relaxing any tension stored in your jaw, cheeks, tongue, and nose. Feel it illuminating, healing, and relaxing your eyes and eyelids, then your ears, then your forehead, and finally up through the top of your head.
Now that the disk has scanned your entire body, notice how your body feels lighter, almost weightless, after being illuminated by this healing disk. Sense it getting lighter with each breath—each time you inhale, each time you exhale.
Now imagine that the disk begins to travel down through the top of your head, rejuvenating you, sweeping away all stress and tension, and wiping away any physical discomfort or pain. Imagine that all that is left in the place of any unpleasant physical sensation is relaxation and well-being.
Imagine your head and face being loosened, relaxed, and refreshed as the disk moves down; then imagine your neck and shoulders being wiped clean of any tension or stress.
Imagine your chest, back, and all the bones and organs of your torso being relaxed, rejuvenated, and refreshed as the disk moves down.
Feel this healing disk loosening and rejuvenating your shoulders, then your upper arms, and then your forearms. Imagine the disk slowly moving down into your wrists and then your hands, loosening and rejuvenating them.
Imagine the disk infusing your hips and pelvis, wiping away any stress and tension.
Moving slowly down through your legs, imagining your thighs, your knees, and then your lower legs being relaxed, rejuvenated, and refreshed as the disk moves farther down.
Imagine the disk entering your ankles, heels, and feet, all the way down through your toes, loosening and relaxing them.
Now imagine that the disk moves under your feet and remains there. It’s available whenever you need it. All you need to do is focus on the breath in your body and visualize this amazing healing tool.
If you feel that you haven’t experienced enough of an effect, repeat the exercise.
When you’re ready, gently open your eyes and wiggle your fingers and toes. Gently roll your body over to one side and get up slowly.
After completing this body scan, mark your stress level on the line below (or on a scale drawn on a separate piece of paper).
Prolonged grief can feel like it’s stored in caches throughout your body: your shoulders may be tight, your back sore, your jaw tense, and your digestion troublesome. Body scan techniques may not cure your pain outright, but they can certainly help you relax and develop a sense of healing in regard to your body. These relaxation techniques may feel like tremendous relief in tense parts of your body. If you feel that some parts of your body are much more tense or stressed than others, you can spend extra time focusing on these needy areas.
Summary
Body scan techniques can help you tune in to how much stress and tension you’ve gotten used to carrying around. When you practice body scans, you become more aware of how uncomfortable stress can feel and begin to gravitate toward healing practices that help you develop a sense of relaxation and healing. We know that mindfulness meditation can help increase awareness of the body. When you combine it with body scan techniques, you’ll become more sensitive to the messages your body is sending you, which will help you maintain a more stable sense of well-being.
After you’ve been practicing sitting mindfulness meditation and body scan techniques for some time, you may notice beneficial changes in your sleep quality. This can be enormously helpful for people experiencing prolonged grief. In my experience, most of the people I see as patients who are going through grief have poor-quality sleep. Mindfulness can also be directly applied to sleep and sleep habits. Because restorative sleep is so crucial for healing, the next chapter is devoted to the applications of mindfulness in improving sleep.
Chapter 4
Sleeping Mindfully
Sleep is healing. Without consistent, restorative sleep, it is very difficult to feel emotionally centered or grounded. One of the most common experiences of people suffering from the stress of grief is a profound and pervasive disturbance in sleep. I see this in my clinical practice often. As exhausting as grief can feel, all too often it is accompanied by bad sleep.
Sleep During Grief
There are many reasons sleep quality is so poor in grief. How well you sleep and where you sleep may be difficult issues for you, especially if you’ve lost your partner. You may find that you can’t fall asleep, that you spend a long time tossing and turning, or that you wake up a lot and can’t fall back asleep. You may fall asleep just fine, only to find that you’re unintentionally wide awake earlier than you want to be, unable to sleep anymore. You may often begin your day not feeling well rested. Your sleep may be disturbed by bad dreams, a topic I’ll address later in this chapter.
Where you sleep may have been affected by your loss. You may not be able to sleep in your bed anymore because it feels empty or the sheets still carry your loved one’s scent. You may be choosing to sleep in a room you’re not used to or on the sofa. Like many people I’ve spoken with, you may feel that your loved one is present with you when you’re falling asleep, waking up, or dreaming. Quite a few people have mentioned to me that they feel a weight on the bed next to them as they’re falling asleep, as if someone just sat down on the bed. When they open their eyes, no one is there, but they can’t fall asleep again.
No matter how your sleep has been affected, getting poor-quality sleep night after night can wear you down. Personally, I’ve found time and again that not getting good-quality sleep makes me feel emotionally vulnerable. I’m sure you’ve found that not sleeping well is emotionally exhausting and makes even minor annoyances seem like major challenges. Most people find that poor-quality sleep makes them cranky, irritable, and prone to mood swings. You definitely don’t need easier access to these types of feelings during your grieving process.
A lot of people who have difficulty sleeping also experience frustration and shame about not slee
ping well, especially in the middle of the night. This frustration definitely won’t help you sleep better! I think it’s much more helpful to acknowledge that your mind is suffering and embrace your mind’s distress with the same compassion as you would the distress of a small child or pet, just as you do in mindfulness practice.
Healthy Sleep
Our understanding of sleep has changed over the years. Common thinking used to be that everyone needed at least eight hours of sleep a night, and that getting less would lead to negative consequences. Research on sleep habits has revealed that the situation is a bit more complicated. Let’s first get a better understanding of what healthy sleep is. Then you’ll have something to work toward it if you aren’t already there.
Don’t count the number of hours you sleep as the only indicator of the quality of your sleep. The simplest way to determine whether you’ve slept well is to see how you feel in the morning. If you feel rested when you wake up and throughout the day, you’re sleeping well. This is true even if you wake up several times at night.
You may be surprised to learn that the idea that we’re supposed to sleep through the night is quite new. For most of the hundreds of thousands of years that our species has existed, we have normally woken up during the night, sometimes for a while, and then gone back to sleep. However, our modern society generally isn’t structured for this type of behavior. If you have a job or other responsibilities, such as caring for a child or a pet, chances are the time you wake up in the morning has to be pretty consistent. In that case, being awake for hours in the middle of the night or waking up feeling tired doesn’t serve any purpose in your life.
That said, if you can’t fall asleep or repeatedly stay awake for much of the night and feel groggy in the morning, you clearly have a sleep problem. If you are awake in bed during the night, you may begin to feel frustrated about not sleeping. Don’t look at the clock over and over again. This will only heighten your frustration. Instead, try the Mindful Sleep Induction practice, outlined a bit later in this chapter.
Mindfulness for Prolonged Grief Page 6